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My Rant Regarding Family, Work and Horses-UPDATE

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  • #41
    Doggy daycare to wear out the PB.


    • #42
      Just an observation from a 28yo...

      My dad beat into my head that the day I turned 18 I was either going to have a college acceptance letter, enlistment papers, or I was going to live with my mother. I had a 2.4gpa and a psychotic mother. In the end I sailed to 20 different countries on 4 continents in the Navy, and learned to do what I get paid a boatload (pun intended) to do now.

      I can spot several dozen people I grew up and graduated with, who did not have these defined choices. They still live at home and do exactly what they were doing when we graduated.

      Moral of the story, outside of some very specific circumstances, why the hell do parents allow their kids to stay in the house for eternity? Why the hell do kids WANT to stay at home?!

      My previous neighbors had a son that still lived at home, he was father's age. He was also staunchly against people on welfare, which was painfully ironic.


      • #43
        It sounds like your biggest problem is your son's dog that he dumped on you. Tell him the dog has 30 days to find a new home or the dog will put down. The shelters are full of dogs, and nobody wants a dog that won't be crated and has separation anxiety.
        Proud member of Appendix QH clique


        • #44
          I haven't read all of the replies, but I wanted to offer some solidarity on the clean house thing. I have a small house, and can only deal with clutter or messes for so long before it gives me anxiety. I actually enjoy cleaning, but I get very resentful when my PERFECTLY CAPABLE husband can step right over it all and not care, and meanwhile, I am cleaning up my mess AND his. I don't like to have to delegate all of the chores all of the time, because that is just me doing the emotional labor of managing the entire household when there are two of us. So he gets to chill on the couch until I let him know what needs to be done, while I'm spending mental energy on keeping track of everything in my head? That doesn't work for me.

          And I love him so much that I could just burst at any given moment, so then of course I feel horribly guilty when I think dark thoughts about how much he's ruining my life. And then I spend a little time resenting his mother, who truly never taught him how to take care of a house for himself, and his father, for being a lazy couch potato and modeling that behavior for decades. And then I feel guilty about that, because they really are very nice people who raised a lovely human being that I was lucky enough to marry.

          All that being said, I have found that making sure he is as miserable as I am, and that he knows exactly WHY we are both miserable, actually has helped quite a bit. He is trying to be better about helping around the house, and he really has come to understand how important my barn time is to me. Like someone said above, nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. It is a hard truth, but it is true.

          Also, I showed the attached comic to my husband at some point and he said it made a lot of sense to him. Maybe you can show your family?

          Anyway, solidarity to you, sister!
          Working moms have to handle an unfair share of the mental load of parenting.
          Last edited by CPL713; Sep. 10, 2018, 01:10 PM.


          • #45
            Also, I love the idea people have given you of hiring some help. And your 19 year old son should share some of the cost. And your older son needs to pay for a trainer to help his poor dog. It is so unfair that this dog hasn't been given good training to make his life better, and it is unfair that his burden has fallen to you. I hope your son is paying for the damage to your home.


            • #46
              Having a clean home and wanting your permanent animals to be safe are not unreasonable expectations.

              The longer an unhealthy dynamic is in place the harder it can feel to break a cycle.

              If financially feasible, I'd hire out everything for at least 30 days. Have someone come in to clean, do lawn work, doggy daycare (that son pays), etc. and take a breath.

              If it does not compromise your quality of life or finances to continue then there is nothing wrong with allowing others to help.

              If it is not something that you can do indefinitely, you can take that time to figure out what are your bare minimums (e.g., son must give his dog 60+ minutes of exercise 5 days a week, husband needs to contribute 3 hours a week towards house care). If someone fails to meet minimum expectations of contribution, then the service is hired back out.

              Keeping a house clean is not as hard when everyone living in the house puts in just a few minutes per day putting away used items, washing dishes, keeping clothing moving through the laundry, and wiping down a surface or two. It is not unreasonable to ask people to do their share.


              • #47
                My guess is that the dog dumping son is not going to pay for training/boarding/day care. I'm sure he believes that the dog is no longer his responsibility.
                Proud member of Appendix QH clique


                • #48
                  Originally posted by peedin View Post
                  My guess is that the dog dumping son is not going to pay for training/boarding/day care. I'm sure he believes that the dog is no longer his responsibility.
                  Whether or not he believes that the dog is his responsibility is immaterial. He can be made to understand that the dog remains his responsibility.

                  I suspect that the son either: a) doesn't really know what a pain the dog is for his parents; or, more likely, b) feels intensely guilty and conflicted about foisting the dog on his parents and is "dealing" with that guilt by pretending that everything is just fine. Either way he can be educated to understand that he must find a place where he can live with the dog, and/or he must actively assist in ensuring that the dog is trained by participating in and paying for professional training. He has to step up.

                  As a by-the-by to the OP: does your homeowner's insurance require you to inform them about the various canines in your household? Some insurers have specific requirements and limits to their insurance if the homeowner has certain breeds of dogs. Pit Bulls are commonly on that list of dog breeds, as are, often, GSDs.You should check your insurance policy.

                  Good luck.
                  "The formula 'Two and two make five' is not without its attractions." --Dostoevsky


                  • #49
                    I have to say I'm loving this. In the best COTH tradition, we (yes, I did it too!) are all unloading our advice and tangental opinions onto the OP, who probably just wanted to unload her frustrations. It is extremely entertaining.

                    Sheilah, although you are going to end up with all sorts of judgements about your choices, parenting, dog training, pet ownership, habits, life choices, marriage and WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE (some of which will be REALLY out there and undeserved), I suspect you have been on this forum long enough to take it all in stride. At least, I hope so.

                    I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.

                    P.S. No. Really, I AM laughing with you, it just sounded better the first way.
                    "Random capitAlization really Makes my day." -- AndNirina


                    • #50
                      If son can come over every other day, he can come over every. Day, or twice a day.... and deal with his dog. Long walk, cleaning up, training session... all on him.
                      The first day he misses, the dog goes to a shelter.
                      pts is not the worst thing that can happen to an animal.
                      Yo/Yousolong April 23rd, 1985- April 15th, 2014



                      • #51
                        Originally posted by ReRustica View Post
                        I think some of the best advice I've heard for women in particular is something they tell you in Al-Anon, but which is really applicable in so many relationships. Do not shield your loved one from the consequences of their own decisions. This doesn't mean don't help out when they need it, but don't spend your life going around making things easier for them when they are not holding up their end of the deal.

                        Women are raised from an early age to be helpers and to see to the comfort of others. It is time for you to take care of yourself first. Your son is an adult who made a very bad decision in getting this dog. Stop shielding him from the unpleasant consequences of that. If your husband doesn't do his laundry for three weeks and doesn't have clean clothes for work, sympathize but do not fix it.

                        This was SO HARD for me to start doing but really helped rebalance the relationship, and it's fairer to both parties in the end. They needed to step up, and I needed to stop fuming silently which was unproductive and unfair.

                        The problem with telling them what to do is that you will still be taking on the emotional labor of organizing the whole house and their lives, and that's a lot of labor. Stop doing that and expect them to handle their own responsibilities, or deal with the consequences.

                        I was doing the silent fuming about the lack of "partnership" when it came to housework. I get really bad anxiety with a messy house and we have a 10-month-old that already creates enough work cleaning wise. Talking about it hasn't helped and I really thought I was stuck in a situation where I'd just have to put up with this because I'm the one with the issue of keeping things decent looking...then I got an idea.

                        I decided to stop enabling, got a few storage bins from Target and whenever I found something SO left completely out of place for 3+ days like clothes or junk he brought home (he has hoarder-esque tendencies of getting things no one ever needs) I tossed it in the bin, which is in our basement. I donate or toss things that he has never asked about that live in that bin for 6+ months. I've never told him about this but I *have* noticed he's leaving a lot less stuff out and not bringing crap home anymore because at the very least, he's caught on that if he likes his clothes, toys, etc. then he needs to put them where they actually belong so he knows where they are. So his behavior has improved, I don't have to look at mountains of clothes or other junk anymore...It's been lovely.


                        • #52
                          In my household, I'm afraid I am the messy one, and I HATE housework. It has bothered my husband for the 40 years we have been married, but we have tried to accept each other's standards of what is acceptable. I gladly pay a very nice young woman to give the house a good cleaning every other week, and I have to tidy (NOT clean) in order not to waste her time. I give the bathrooms a quick clean the other week, husband does the kitchen (he's the main cook).

                          As for the dog, unless you yourself are bonded to him I agree it is time for older son to take over or he's gone. If you do want to keep him, send him away to a trainer to instill basic manners so you can cope with him. Not all dogs can be crate trained if not started as puppies. My older rescue broke a bunch of teeth at a foster home trying to chew his way out of a crate. We don't bother, but then he's not destructive.


                          • #53
                            Step 1: Wine
                            Step 2: Leave dog in son's room.
                            Step 3: Throw everything that isn't your mess in a laundry basket and stash the basket out of sight.
                            Step 4: Go riding
                            Step 5: Sit down put your feet up and maybe another glass of wine


                            • #54
                              Originally posted by Posting Trot View Post
                              Hire a housecleaner (or a service) to come in once a week. The night before that person comes, everyone must straighten up for 30 minutes. Everyone. No one gets to opt out. If son wants to have his own room be a mess, then let it be. All of his mess can be in his room. Only exception is that no dirty dishes and no food can be left in the room. If necessary, stand over son and watch him perform tasks, but only in that 30 minute, once a week period. Your husband must also clean up in this window. You are not a maid or a valet.

                              For the dog: hire a trainer who either comes to you or you take the dog to the trainer. Bill your older son for the training costs.
                              This was my thought as well. You aren't going to get DH and Son to pickup because it just doesn't matter to them. I would hire a housecleaner however often you can swing it.
                              Allah took a handful of southerly wind, blew His breath over it, and created the horse. Thou shall fly without wings, and conquer without any sword, O, Horse!
                              Anonymous Bedouin legend


                              • #55
                                Originally posted by peedin View Post
                                It sounds like your biggest problem is your son's dog that he dumped on you. Tell him the dog has 30 days to find a new home or the dog will put down. The shelters are full of dogs, and nobody wants a dog that won't be crated and has separation anxiety.
                                I don't think OP should have to make the decision to euthanize the dog. It's her son's dog, take the dog back to the son with a list of rescues and be done with it.

                                Most of us here have big huge hearts and want to help all these critters, but we can't. Both financially and mentally and physically. Yes, that's 3. Do the best with what you have and what you can do, and pray. The son needs to learn responsibility, and maybe having to make this decision will help him in some way. Or maybe he will heroically figure something out and be able to keep the dog and get the dog trained up. OP needs to say, I love you son and I love that you are trying to help this dog, but the dog is too much of a problem at my house, so you need to take care of him. Here is a list of rescues and a list of trainers.
                                "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him."


                                • Original Poster

                                  Oh, yes, indeed I have been here long enough to know! CoTH can sometimes come across as a bunch of girlfriends sitting around drinking alcohol. Some get a little testy and some get a little huggy.

                                  I need to move the dog along. If my son won't take him by the end of the month, I will use my rescue contacts to place in a bully breed rescue. He is a sweet boy. But I just don't want to spend my time working with a young, big, strong dog. And that is saying something since I did sheep herding, tracking and obedience with my German Shepherds. That just isn't where I am at now. I want to the little toy dogs that were bred to lay on you and give kisses.

                                  On the bright side, I left school at 5:00 p.m. this evening and went and rode my wonderful mare and cold hosed my poor gelding's swollen sheath (bug bite). And it was awesome! I even wore my new wicking sport shirt with my breeches, even though it totally showed my fluffy middle bits. I no longer care. All I wanted was to be comfortable and to get on my mare.


                                  • Original Poster

                                    Originally posted by AddleUp View Post
                                    Step 1: Wine
                                    Step 2: Leave dog in son's room.
                                    Step 3: Throw everything that isn't your mess in a laundry basket and stash the basket out of sight.
                                    Step 4: Go riding
                                    Step 5: Sit down put your feet up and maybe another glass of wine
                                    Personally, I am a huge fan of vodka and Xanax.


                                    • #58
                                      Good for you Idaho RIder!. I'm glad you are getting your life back.
                                      You can't fix stupid-Ron White


                                      • #59
                                        First off, I love a good rant. I will occasionally type up a good rant email with my complaints for the week & most of the time whenI'm done, I feel better.

                                        Hopefully son will step up & do something about the dog. Hopefully you will find a way to get other son & DH to do something around the house. Hopefully your horses will continue to be awesome. Mainly, hopefully you will find a balance in life & be able to find your happy place more often!

                                        My rant.
                                        I lhave a DH, who is mostly wonderful & I truly adore, but then there are days like today. My teenaged daughter locked herself & my preteen stepson out of her car today when they went to the barn. The barn is 10 minutes from the house, thank gosh for that move & DH is working from home today. I am 45 minutes away picking up our toddler twins from my Mom because they are both sick & I already feel like the worst Mom ever because who goes & leaves their babies when they are sick, but I had to meet with a lawyer today because my teenaged daughter I also my Sister (Dad & stepmom died in car accident when she was an infant) & now nearly 16 years later, Stepmom's sister has decided that because I have dared to marry & have biological kids that she wants to sue for custody of teenaged daughter, who is now a Junior in high school & has seen this Aunt 3 times since her Mom died. I leave there & go to take my babies to the doctor (ear infections for both, oh joy) & I get the call from the big kids. Ughhh, call DH, no answer. Again, no answer. The kids are calling, no flipping answer. I am in the doctors office begging them to hurry because I am sure DH has been hacked into a million pieces at this point (because why else would a Father of 4 not answer his cellphone, right???). I finally call his ex-wife who thankfully we have a great relationship & she goes to rescue the kids & take them home & finds my DH asleep on the couch. Yep, asleep while I was convinced he was dead or dying & the kids were stranded. Ok, they were at the barn, which is easily their favorite place on earth, but the story sounds better if they are stranded.

                                        I finally get home, fighting traffic with 2 crying babies & the kitchen is a wreck, no one has had dinner & we forgot to go back to get DD's car, so guess who will have to get her to school tomorrow. I'm lucky & love my life, but there are moments when a nice quiet single life sounds like a million bucks.

                                        So, vent on. We have all been there!


                                        • #60
                                          "I finally get home, fighting traffic with 2 crying babies & the kitchen is a wreck, no one has had dinner & we forgot to go back to get DD's car, so guess who will have to get her to school tomorrow. I'm lucky & love my life, but there are moments when a nice quiet single life sounds like a million bucks."

                                          YOU are a saint. At this point I'd have insisted DH go get the car with DD, and on the way back pick up pizza/ chinese/ salad bar from grocery, what have you. And he would have done it. Because I gave 'the look'.

                                          There comes a point, as the OP is saying, that too much is too much. I have an acquaintance that --after being married 10 years-- just three months ago STOPPED CUTTING HER HUSBAND'S STEAK UP FOR HIM.

                                          There's no reason for the OP or you, HorseRookiefor1 to have to go insane so everyone else can experience their usual level of normal and complacency.

                                          When do you get angry?