Vent- non-horse friends who just don't get it.

[ponyxjd]

Maybe I'm just too easy going, but I would never treat some of my friends the way they do me concerning my horse. One in particular always chewed me out for being a little late to meals if I was coming from the barn, or if she wanted to make plans but had to work around my riding. Always badmouthed me as "unreliable", because god knows horses know exactly when to pull a shoe or come up lame to mess up a lunch date or study party. It just comes with the responsibility that my horse is my priority when he needs attention, and it's not okay to treat him anything less than fairly.

Today was extremely busy for me. Worked from 1-7:30 and then I was planning on going over to the barn to lunge or let my horse out since he's been in a stall for 2 days straight. Long story short, he got out of his paddock the other day and the owner of the property doesn't want him to be out unsupervised. Fine, so I have to watch him graze in a field for an hour or two while I clean tack, doesn't bother me for now. Meanwhile, I've been trying to arrange meeting with a BNT nearby (since my horse's escape) who was interested in me working at her farm for daily lessons and free board for the rest of the summer, which is a no-brainer situation for any broke college kid like me. It's also not fair for my horse to be kept in a still all day, so I've been pushing to meet with her as soon as possible in order to move my horse.

My friend and I tentatively made dinner plans for tonight, but only began working out the logistics of it this afternoon. She was not willing to pick up dinner with me and bring it back to the barn to eat and let the horse out, and preferred to meet at a point in between our locations for a late dinner at 9pm, tentatively. I warned her I might be finished by 9, but she wanted to make the plans anyway.

I got off of work on time, just to have the BNT call me and ask me to come to her farm to chat. The friend called me to find out the specific dinner location just as I was pulling into the farm's driveway, and I see BNT walking out to my car to greet me. I quickly told my friend the place and said I'd call her when I left, thinking I'd only be at the barn for a half hour or so. Well, it turned out to be a good hour of talking, and by the end of it I got the job and my horse was invited to the farm the next morning. SIGH of relief, everything was going to work out. Not to mention my old "working student" position was of questionable status at the other barn. This is a win-win situation for me and my horse.

I get back to my phone to find a slew of angry text messages from my friend, who went to the dinner location and apparently got there at 9pm, not connecting that my saying "I'm going to be at this farm for 30 minutes" meant be thirty minutes late, despite my being a half hour late on top of that. I wish that I could have called her while at the BNT's barn but it was a job interview. You can't just pick up your cell phone and answer phone calls while the BNT is explaining what's expected from her workers, and how she always strives to be professional.

I begin frantically driving toward the dinner location and call the friend to apologize. Friend angrily answers the phone, and immediately begins chewing me up for putting horses in front of our friendship. I let that slide and apologize over and over again, trying to explain to her that I didn't blow her off, something just came up and I couldn't tell BNT "eh, maybe I'll come tomorrow to take this job offer that an idiot wouldn't turn down". I even tried explaining my horse's situation being stuck in the stall with no luck. She specifically said "saying sorry doesn't make it okay", and at that point I just decided it was useless. I mean throw me a friggin bone, it's not like I maliciously planned for this to happen. She thinks I'm selfish for "blowing her off", but her childish line, "you always put your horse before me" really isn't making me feel like the selfish, irresponsible one.

Oh, and did I mention she also yelled at me for not checking the restaurant's hours? Apparently they were closed by 9 anyway.

Ugh. I felt really bad before I called her but now I'm just frustrated. The ironic thing is that my horse was the one who got screwed over tonight, (you know, the one I always put before the friend?) because I rushed from BNT's to attempt to meet the friend and didn't want to keep her waiting any longer. Ha...

[LexInVA]

Sometimes' you just gotta say "I'm gonna get myself a pizza." Then you get a pizza, something with some good toppings, and after that, the world and the people in it aint so bad no more. All because you got yourself a pizza. Most pizza places are open til midnight or close at 11 so you really gotta ask yourself one question: "WTF do I want on my pizza?!". By asking yourself that question and putting some serious thought into it, you can not only turn a disaster into a win, but you are also taking control of your life instead of the other way around because you are the one deciding what is on that pizza instead of your friend and you're not waiting for her to get the pizza, which she might not even do. That's just half of it though. You have to actually order the pizza. That's where you really put forth some positive change in your situation and take the initiative in wrangling your life back under your control. That is where you make it happen.

Once you have that pizza, you'll start feeling all kinds of awesome because you made it happen. You did it and you did it your way. If your friend sees that you have that pizza, they will know that you are not to be trifled with because you make your own way in life. Yeah, that's right. When she sees you eating that pizza, she will get all kinds of sorry because she knows that her value to you has dropped to that of a street cleaning stray dog who aint good for nothing in your life other than some occasional entertainment and gas money. So next time it happens, order a pizza, and show her which way the crust rises.

If you really want to make her cry, order some cheesy bread sticks with extra dipping sauce too. That will really make her feel worthless.

[2greyhorses]

She sounds kind of selfish. Your horse, your new job....this is your LIFE! BTW, big congrats on the job. She needs a wake up call. Yes you both need to compromise, but it sounds like you are the one doing back flips, at least trying to do all the compromising.

I have 2 things in common with ya: 1) most all of my friends are non-horsey and just don't get it, so very familiar with that territory and 2) I did have a best friend for 20 years (we met when we were quite young) who would also let me do all the back flips and compromising. I was afraid to let her go because she meant so much to me, but as her behavior got more and more selfish and the friendship more and more a oneway street, I finally told her how I felt AKA let her have it. Now I don't recommend that to you, I would say don't discuss this with her when you are angry and out of control like I was, and definitely do not discuss it with her via email or phone, do it in person. In my case, finally telling her how I felt (not happy) was all it took for my great friend of 20 years to dump me forever, but truth be told, if they are not willing to come around and meet you half way, you did not lose them because you never had them to begin with... I would say continue to put your horse first if you have to, your horse is dependent on you for their well-being, like a kid, but a hairy one, LOL. Non-horsey people just don't get it. They don't understand what these animals mean to us and our well-being and wholeness because, well, they are not horse people. We know what these animals are and what they mean to us. All I'm saying is I support you in caring for your horse, and I bet your horse gives back to you many times over... does this friend? Maybe she just needs a talking to and she will shape up. Good luck.

[Sansena]

OP. You need new friends.

[Moocow]

Agree, you need new friends... when they just start making you feel like crap and trying to make you change the things you really do love in life, it's perhaps time to move on. Not saying "Cut her off. She's finished." But for me, I barely talk to my non-horsey friends any more. I talk to them mostly through IM or Facebook ( also mostly because I live halfway across the world from them now) but it's so much less stressful when I can just close the message box or choose not to read something.
Love my horsey friends, wouldn't trade them for the world. Sometimes you just have to do what's right for you (and in this case your horse) and not worry so much about others. In the end it sounds like they wouldn't jump ditches and climb mountains to help you, so it may not be such a big loss.

LexInVA - Pizza DOES solve so many problems...

[equineartworks]

OP. You need new friends.

Horsepeople friends too Because we understand where you are coming from.

[DandyMatiz]

Well, I disagree with everyone else. You were quite rude to accept the BNT's invitation for that time when you knew that friend had plans with you. You sent her to a restaurant that was closed, then didn't show up. You didn't clear your schedule, which she did. She made it a point to make sure the time was convenient and you agreed to 9pm. then you accepted the BTN (you couldn't say "no is not a good time, can we meet tomarrow at XX?"?). You could have either told friend, "Tonight won't work for me, I work late?" and then made plans for a better time, or you should have cleared your schedule for her. just because she doesn't have a horse to care for doesn't make your time any more valuable than hers.

[SmokenMirrors]

I have family much like your friend, but it is to the point now, after firmly and then eventually bluntly telling them that MY horses come FIRST. They are my therapy as would they want me to go off on a rampage and shoot someone? Nooo then leave me be. They are good therapists when I need someone to talk to or have had a lousy day, as are they going to sit and listen to me whine about a crappy boss or bad day at work? Nooo, etc...get my point?

Your friend is being selfish and not understanding your joy and love that comes from horse ownership as well as the sacrifices and commitment, all of which I commend you on staying the course with. I would make one more effort, sit her down and explain, in detail if you must, what you get out of having a horse and the responsibility that is involved with ownership to her. If she gives you grief or flaps her jaws, then stand up and tell her, I am sorry but your not the friend I thought you were and perhaps it is time to move on, I will find friends who understand this commitment and you can find friends who prefer to blow off their responsibilities so they can go out with you.

Good luck. It isn't easy.

[spirithorse22]

Well, I disagree with everyone else. You were quite rude to accept the BNT's invitation for that time when you knew that friend had plans with you. You sent her to a restaurant that was closed, then didn't show up. You didn't clear your schedule, which she did. She made it a point to make sure the time was convenient and you agreed to 9pm. then you accepted the BTN (you couldn't say "no is not a good time, can we meet tomarrow at XX?"?). You could have either told friend, "Tonight won't work for me, I work late?" and then made plans for a better time, or you should have cleared your schedule for her. just because she doesn't have a horse to care for doesn't make your time any more valuable than hers.

Agreed. I'm a horse person who puts my horse's comfort and safety very high on the priority list, but I would have been PISSED over this situation! I'd say a lot more, but...it's generally stuff you've got to discover for yourself and come to on your own.

[Dad Said Not To]

Your plans changed when the BNT called you to request a meeting. It was your responsibility to call your friend at that point and let her know. It's really not that difficult to stay on time for the most part even when horses are involved, or to let the other party know right away when something has come up that will affect your ability to keep previous plans. Based on this incident as you've described it, if you were my friend I'd think you were unreliable too, and I'd definitely be irritated at being stood up.

[gloriginger]

Yeah, I think your both wrong. I hate late people, it says to me that they don't value my time as much as their own. There are a whole bunch of people in the world that own horses and have the ability to arrive on time. It sounds like you and your friend are way too close - this does come with age and maturity, but I would send someone packing that sent me a slew of nasty texts...but I also would put someone on the back burner that made a commitment to meet, was an hour late and sent me to a place that was closed.

Bottom line- it sounds like you and you friend need to cut the codependent ties, you need to get a watch with an alarm, and your friend needs to get a hobby.

[Saidapal]

Don't make plans if there is the slightest chance you'll be late or not show up at all.

I have a friend who've I've known for years and I quit making plans with her. EVERY time we had dinner plans I would set that time aside to spend with her. At times I even turned down other offers. I can sit here and say EVERY time the day arrived she would cancel. She had this, she had that. Quite frankly it became clear the friendship was more important to me than it was to her. I reduced her to a casual friend and we talk on occasion. After the last time she made plans and cancelled with me I told her I wouldn't make plans with her anymore. Call me the day you want to go and if I'm available we'll meet. You can only be dissed so many times before you get fed up. Your friend is fed up and you have to accept it's partly your fault. And frankly this has nothing to do with the horse. It's about taking your friend for granted.

So shake it off, move on, and you BETTER show up the next time you make plans with her or don't make plans at all. It's not fair for her to set time aside to spend with you to only keep being stood up over and over again. Everybody is busy and it's not fair to waste her time.

[Sail Away]

Well, I disagree with everyone else. You were quite rude to accept the BNT's invitation for that time when you knew that friend had plans with you. You sent her to a restaurant that was closed, then didn't show up. You didn't clear your schedule, which she did. She made it a point to make sure the time was convenient and you agreed to 9pm. then you accepted the BTN (you couldn't say "no is not a good time, can we meet tomarrow at XX?"?). You could have either told friend, "Tonight won't work for me, I work late?" and then made plans for a better time, or you should have cleared your schedule for her. just because she doesn't have a horse to care for doesn't make your time any more valuable than hers.

I absolutely agree with this.

[philosoraptor]

It's not that your friend has an issue with horses. It's that, based on what you said, it seems like you're putting your horses far above her in importance. That's got to be a little hurtful from her point of view, I'd guess. Next time schedule the dinner date far away from your barn responsibilities -- or find someone to do that afternoon's barn chores completely for you, so you won't get tied up.

I have friends who can't seem to show up on time for anything we plan on. Some are horse people; some have other excuses. Over time I just stopped making plans with them because my time *is* valuable, even if they don't seem to think so. Plus it's just really hard to get anything done when a friend wanders in late every time. Please reconsider your stance before you drive your friend away.

[coloredhorse]

As I see this specific situation, the OP, the friend and the BNT all have the same problem: scheduling on the fly. It is much, much easier to make things work out by simply planning in advance and then sticking to the plans barring emergency. (Things like an ill or injured horse, thrown shoe, car trouble, etc. qualify as emergencies.) I cannot tell from just a single post if this is the norm for OP and friend, but I see this alot in college-aged women and men, and I've watched some friendships fall apart when one person's schedule is more full than the others, making that individual less adept at wing-it type plans.

OP, in this situation, I can tell you as a professional in both the horse and non-horse world, you could have said to BNT, "I'm so sorry, but I have a prior appointment at 9pm. I very much want to talk with you; can we set another appointment now at a mutually convenient time?" You did, after all, make the date with your friend, however last-minute and scattery the planning. The BNT was a bit scattery him/herself by calling you last-minute, as well, but that is outside of your control. Your actions are the only thing you can influence here. And a true professional should respect someone who honors prior appointments.

In hiring positions, I look upon someone who respects time commitments to others as having a strong character. This tells me -- and likely would have told BNT -- that you would place EQUAL value on the time you committed to his/her work.

Another approach: "BNT, I'd love to come talk with you now, I just need to make one phone call first." Then you call friend, explain that you have a potential employer you have been chasing on the hook (horses are irrelevant in this instance; we are talking about a job) who wants to talk you now. "I'm so sorry, but I must take advantage of this opportunity, so I won't be able to make dinner. I will call you tomorrow at XXX and we will make definite plans for DAY 1 or DAY 2, whichever you prefer." Then you make that call, make that date and keep it. Friend might be miffed anyway, but in this way, you know you have at least treated her with respect, while freeing your time to pursue the position at the BNT's barn.

[HighFlyinBey++]

I think you're both at fault for the reasons already expressed.

One other issue I see is your attention to detail in your explanations/excuses to your non-horsey friends. They really don't give a hoot about your horse life so why bore them? I think you'll save yourself a LOT of trouble if you cut out the details. You can also build horse time into work time, "I've got to work late tonight. I can't make it until 9:00" Period.

You should have called her prior to the BNT's but failing that, after you got her texts, you should have apologized and said only, "I got a call for a job interview and it took much longer than I expected" and left out all the horse-related details. I'd be annoyed at a friend who kept dissing me for anything BUT a job interview. Too many details sound like excuses, not reasons.

As for you sending her to a closed restaurant, that's half on her. She thinks you're unreliable yet she didn't double check what you told her? There was no reason she couldn't have checked the hours herself since presumably both of you have a general idea when places stop serving in your area--but that goes for you, too. You'd never gloss over a detail like that with your horse's care, so why blow off the details with your friend?

If you want this girl as a friend, clear your schedule for her and arrive early. If not, quit tormenting her with broken promises and let her move on with her life.

[sketcher]

I too think you were rude to your friend and owe her an aopolgy. This has nothing to do with horses.

Are you really surprised your friends idea of getting together for dinner is not to grab something to go and hang out at the barn? Then you make plans to meet her and suggest a place that is not open, leaving her to sit that extra half hour in her car waiting for you?


It sounds like your friend is supposed to be a mind reader. I have no doubt she would have understood if you had a job interview but what you had was an opportune moment to have a talk with someone about a situation you were interested in. Since that was not a scheduled appointment, I'm sure that person would have understood if you briefly explained you had plans and excused yourself for 30 seconds to have the common courtesy to call and give your friend a heads up.

I too would be upset with you and I'm a horse person who understands. I'm just guessing that this friend has suffered through variations of this theme with you before and is fed up.

[Jaegermonster]

I agree with those who said you were both at fault in some aspects, but I can't help wonder if your friend would be more understanding if this were a human child as opposed to a horse and why it's any different?
Either you and your friend need to have a sit down about what's what, or you need new friends who understand your life.

[2greyhorses]

Yeah, after re-reading OP's post, I have to say that OP maybe needs to plan a little better if her friend is feeling regularly slighted and stood up or left waiting, if this is a regular occurance and you did not have a real emergency with your horse on given day, then you are being a bit inconsiderate which your friend could take as you not valuing her in your life.

BUT, I can understand dropping everything for a meeting with an employer who would greatly improve me and my horse's situation, sometimes you don't want to risk waiting on something like that, you have to seize that moment, so asking to have a few minutes to make a call to your friend would have been appropriate, then the friend (if she was really a friend) should understand that this is a big deal for you and your life and not be pissed off at your being late.

[Concordia]

I don't think it's about horses, I think your friend sounds pretty high-maintenence. I'm a trainer, I'm at the barn ALL THE TIME. I'm there an unreasonable amount of time (LOL) and I'm always late - my husband and our friends not only understand but are supportive. Horses are not dolls, you can't just throw them in the corner when you run short on time.

And, horses are not like other hobbies....it is usually deeper then that and usually rooted all the way to our souls. If a friend can't understand that it is PART OF YOU....then you need to find a new friend. Sorry