• Welcome to the Chronicle Forums.
    Please complete your profile. The forums and the rest of www.chronofhorse.com has single sign-in, so your log in information for one will automatically work for the other. Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Chronicle of the Horse.



Forum rules and no-advertising policy

As a participant on this forum, it is your responsibility to know and follow our rules. Please read this message in its entirety.

Board Rules

1. You’re responsible for what you say.
As outlined in Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, The Chronicle of the Horse and its affiliates, as well Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd., the developers of vBulletin, are not legally responsible for statements made in the forums.

This is a public forum viewed by a wide spectrum of people, so please be mindful of what you say and who might be reading it—details of personal disputes are likely better handled privately. While posters are legally responsible for their statements, the moderators may in their discretion remove or edit posts that violate these rules. Users have the ability to modify or delete their own messages after posting, but administrators generally will not delete posts, threads or accounts upon request.

Outright inflammatory, vulgar, harassing, malicious or otherwise inappropriate statements and criminal charges unsubstantiated by a reputable news source or legal documentation will not be tolerated and will be dealt with at the discretion of the moderators.

2. Conversations in horse-related forums should be horse-related.
The forums are a wonderful source of information and support for members of the horse community. While it’s understandably tempting to share information or search for input on other topics upon which members might have a similar level of knowledge, members must maintain the focus on horses.

3. Keep conversations productive, on topic and civil.
Discussion and disagreement are inevitable and encouraged; personal insults, diatribes and sniping comments are unproductive and unacceptable. Whether a subject is light-hearted or serious, keep posts focused on the current topic and of general interest to other participants of that thread. Utilize the private message feature or personal email where appropriate to address side topics or personal issues not related to the topic at large.

4. No advertising in the discussion forums.
Posts in the discussion forums directly or indirectly advertising horses, jobs, items or services for sale or wanted will be removed at the discretion of the moderators. Use of the private messaging feature or email addresses obtained through users’ profiles for unsolicited advertising is not permitted.

Company representatives may participate in discussions and answer questions about their products or services, or suggest their products on recent threads if they fulfill the criteria of a query. False "testimonials" provided by company affiliates posing as general consumers are not appropriate, and self-promotion of sales, ad campaigns, etc. through the discussion forums is not allowed.

Paid advertising is available on our classifieds site and through the purchase of banner ads. The tightly monitored Giveaways forum permits free listings of genuinely free horses and items available or wanted (on a limited basis). Items offered for trade are not allowed.

Advertising Policy Specifics
When in doubt of whether something you want to post constitutes advertising, please contact a moderator privately in advance for further clarification. Refer to the following points for general guidelines:

Horses – Only general discussion about the buying, leasing, selling and pricing of horses is permitted. If the post contains, or links to, the type of specific information typically found in a sales or wanted ad, and it’s related to a horse for sale, regardless of who’s selling it, it doesn’t belong in the discussion forums.

Stallions – Board members may ask for suggestions on breeding stallion recommendations. Stallion owners may reply to such queries by suggesting their own stallions, only if their horse fits the specific criteria of the original poster. Excessive promotion of a stallion by its owner or related parties is not permitted and will be addressed at the discretion of the moderators.

Services – Members may use the forums to ask for general recommendations of trainers, barns, shippers, farriers, etc., and other members may answer those requests by suggesting themselves or their company, if their services fulfill the specific criteria of the original post. Members may not solicit other members for business if it is not in response to a direct, genuine query.

Products – While members may ask for general opinions and suggestions on equipment, trailers, trucks, etc., they may not list the specific attributes for which they are in the market, as such posts serve as wanted ads.

Event Announcements – Members may post one notification of an upcoming event that may be of interest to fellow members, if the original poster does not benefit financially from the event. Such threads may not be “bumped” excessively. Premium members may post their own notices in the Event Announcements forum.

Charities/Rescues – Announcements for charitable or fundraising events can only be made for 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organizations. Special exceptions may be made, at the moderators’ discretion and direction, for board-related events or fundraising activities in extraordinary circumstances.

Occasional posts regarding horses available for adoption through IRS-registered horse rescue or placement programs are permitted in the appropriate forums, but these threads may be limited at the discretion of the moderators. Individuals may not advertise or make announcements for horses in need of rescue, placement or adoption unless the horse is available through a recognized rescue or placement agency or government-run entity or the thread fits the criteria for and is located in the Giveaways forum.

5. Do not post copyrighted photographs unless you have purchased that photo and have permission to do so.

6. Respect other members.
As members are often passionate about their beliefs and intentions can easily be misinterpreted in this type of environment, try to explore or resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in the course of threads calmly and rationally.

If you see a post that you feel violates the rules of the board, please click the “alert” button (exclamation point inside of a triangle) in the bottom left corner of the post, which will alert ONLY the moderators to the post in question. They will then take whatever action, or no action, as deemed appropriate for the situation at their discretion. Do not air grievances regarding other posters or the moderators in the discussion forums.

Please be advised that adding another user to your “Ignore” list via your User Control Panel can be a useful tactic, which blocks posts and private messages by members whose commentary you’d rather avoid reading.

7. We have the right to reproduce statements made in the forums.
The Chronicle of the Horse may copy, quote, link to or otherwise reproduce posts, or portions of posts, in print or online for advertising or editorial purposes, if attributed to their original authors, and by posting in this forum, you hereby grant to The Chronicle of the Horse a perpetual, non-exclusive license under copyright and other rights, to do so.

8. We reserve the right to enforce and amend the rules.
The moderators may delete, edit, move or close any post or thread at any time, or refrain from doing any of the foregoing, in their discretion, and may suspend or revoke a user’s membership privileges at any time to maintain adherence to the rules and the general spirit of the forum. These rules may be amended at any time to address the current needs of the board.

Please see our full Terms of Service and Privacy Policy for more information.

Thanks for being a part of the COTH forums!

(Revised 1/26/16)
See more
See less

Dealing with "stage parents" (HR)

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Dealing with "stage parents" (HR)

    A few months ago I had posted for advice on dealing with a neighbor/friend who had become quite pushy. I had allowed her DD (11) to ride my horse whenever she wanted, and while the DD didn¡¦t seem to be as "horse crazy" as the mom had let on (only coming out when there was nothing else to do, etc.), the mom ("Judy") had given me quite an attitude when I allowed another child to ride my horse one day (after her DD had said she wasn't coming that day!).

    Judy just got worse from there.

    Horse went lame, and I had the vet out and did every test imaginable. It turned out to be a degenerative problem and the horse would be retired. After talking to the vet, I let Judy know the situation and told her that the horse would no longer be able to be ridden but that she was welcome to visit him, etc. Judy responded by saying that

    1. I should be having more tests done, and even suggested a few things that she "had looked up on the internet". (Of course, Judy did not offer a cent towards the $1,000 that she knew I had spent on the vet care - she just wanted to make the decisions.)
    2. I should be having other vets look at the horse.
    3. Her DD would be "so upset" that she couldn't ride the horse anymore. And
    4. DD (age 11) should be the one - rather than I - to talk to the vet and make any decisions about the horse (and then send me the bill ). After all, "she thinks of the horse as her own." (NOTE: I own the horse and pay all bills and do all of the daily care. I was allowing her to ride him for free as what I thought was a good deed -- sigh.)

    She made a very stressful situation much, much worse.

    I ended up having to end the relationship, as I tried talking to Judy to no avail. (Of course, she stopped talking to me after there was no horse to ride.) It is sad, as I was trying to do something nice for the kid, but I really think it is the mom who wants her DD to have a horse - the DD does not seem to be a typical horse-crazy kid (which is fine).

    Any advice on dealing with these types of parents in the future? I know now that I should have set boundaries (e;g;, you can ride on Mondays, and for that you will have to clean the stalls that day), live and learn. I don't want to stop being nice, but feel really burned!

  • #2
    All I can say is your neighbor has quite a 'pair' to make those 'suggestions'. . . .have the 11 year old make the medical decisions for your horse indeed. . .

    I have similiar experiences, not with my own horses (because I really didn't let others ride my horses at all, with very rare exceptions) but with cake. . .. people who straight up take you for granted. . . people you thought were your friends and if you decide not to offer (whatever it is) for free anymore, they no longer have the time of day for you.


    • #3
      God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.

      The only thing I can say is you can't unring a bell. So don't offer so much as you did this time, only to find yourself having to rein it all in. Instead maybe you start small, with just small concessions of your time, such as Monday's only riding, or stuff like that. Or point them to a lesson barn and wash your hands of it altogether. I extended myself this Spring in a charity type situation and ended up wishing I'd never answered the phone. I too had to end the deal, it was not worth the angst and anguish. With folks that self consumed, they are best met with someone else just as self-consumed. They'll repel each other like magnets

      I'm sorry you feel burned but honestly it could be sooo much worse, and it's OVER. At least now you have Judy out of your barn and your face. She can go find someone else to drive insane Your time is up LOL


      • #4
        Originally posted by katarine View Post
        Or point them to a lesson barn and wash your hands of it altogether.


        • #5
          wow, no good deed goes unpunished, eh?

          Because you asked for advice on how to deal with this in the future, here's my 2 cents (and I think you are already thinking along these lines):

          If someone approaches you with the same type of "proposition", and you genuinely want to help the kid out, I would say that you are happy to help mentor a young horseman, but horsemanship is far more than riding -- it includes barn chores, horse care, grooming, etc. Riding is something that happens if a horse is sound and fit, but all horsemen learn to suck it up when their horse is unable to be ridden -- and the welfare of the horse always comes first. To paraphrase that old song, "Riding comes and goes, but picking stalls is forever". If the kid still wants to be part of all that, then they truly are horse-crazy and maybe you can work out something satisfactory for all of you. If not, I'd suggest some local lesson barns.

          jingles for your poor horse!
          I don't mind if you call me a snowflake, 'cause baby, I know a blizzard is coming.


          • #6
            Boundaries! tell prospective parents and kids that the kids can spend time with the horses only when directly supervised by you. Then, come up with a few days/times each week when you tend to be at the barn doing other things and provide those as options. The kids need to tell you that they're coming a day or two in advance - they can't just show up because you might pick that day to go to the grocery store instead of the barn if you don't know they're coming! And it doesn't hurt to expect some amount of "chore time" to be returned in exchange for riding time. You'll either scare them away with too much structure, or you'll attract the kinds of families who like to have the deal spelled out in advance. This is pretty similar to what my 4H leader did, back in the dark ages, for the kids in the club who didn't have horses but wanted to spend time with hers. I remember my mom making me call and ask "Mrs R, may I come out on Thursday after school to help clean stalls and groom the horses?" then I'd take the school bus to their house with her kids and my dad would pick me up on his way home from work.

            Sorry, that doesn't really answer your question about the crazy parents...


            • #7
              Just when you think you've heard it all, you discover you haven't.

              I would have been laughing so hard during this conversation that I probably would have peed my pants. Then I would have asked Judy if she was off her medication.

              Seriously, sorry about your horse, though.


              • #8
                No way, no how

                First off, I'm sorry your horse has a degenerative problem. That stinks!

                Now for "Judy"...she is a special kind of crazy.

                I do believe you need to establish boundaries right up front, or you run serious risk of things progressing in a downward spiral.

                Judy's boundaries should start at the gate, as in OUTSIDE of the gate and off your property.
                Oppositional-Defiant and Troll Starvation Expert.


                • #9
                  hate those parents, sorry but I really do.

                  Do a hand wash with Judy... if anything Judy should thank you for letting the kid ride for free.


                  • #10

                    Don't give up on people but maybe screen them more thoroughly by making them work for it. When I was 15 yrs old I approached a woman who owned the only 2 horses in my town and asked if I could help with the horses.

                    Her response: "I can't pay you"
                    Me: "Thats okay"
                    Her: "You can't ride them"
                    Me: "Thats okay, I just like being around them"
                    Her: "You can only be here when I am here"
                    Me: "Ok"

                    Six months later I was taking care of her horses by myself 5 days a week after school and riding both of them (with permission).

                    But yeah, it started off as real strict and I wasn't expecting anything except to be around the horses. The woman and I were very close for YEARS and we are still friends, though I have moved states away.
                    2016 RRP Makeover Competitor www.EnviousBid.com


                    • #11
                      Many people mistake kindness for weakness. Many people are also crazy. You hit the jackpot with Judy, since she combined both qualities in one body. Yay.

                      As VCT said, don't stop being nice; just be a whole lot more choosy as to who you gift with your time and access to your horse(s). My dear sweet dad, who passed away in May, told me, when I'd been through not one but two similar experiences, "Listen, before you offer; not just to what people say, but for what they don't say."

                      Sorry if you've mentioned this already, but did the kid ever ask to ride, or to be around the horses, or was it all Judy? IME, unless the kid is the one begging for horsey time, they're not the ones with the real interest. If Mumsy is the one doing the pushing and the asking, point them towards the local lesson barn and make the quickest escape you can, gracefully. Then run, and don't look back.
                      In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
                      A life lived by example, done too soon.


                      • #12
                        People act so entitled these days, don't they? I can't believe how rude, and self-centered people are either (not all, but enough to be irritating).
                        You are lucky you dodged a bullet here, since if anything had happened to the daughter the mom was so wrapped up in the image of her daughter the future olympian that you would have been toast-financially, legally and emotionally. People like the mother never accept reality, and are the first to sue your butt off at the least little thing. In today's legal climate I would be very nervous about allowing anyone to ride my horse or even be around them. Actually, my insurance agent said that it is in my best interest to never allow anyone on the property involving work unless they are licensed, insured and hopefully not suing me. And my agent said that I shouldn't even allow the wandering child, or other fairly harmless things, and make a legal paper trail about such incidents. The legal situation now has virtually eliminated the neighborhood lawn mowing by non-professionals, and is definitely the end of 'neighborly' gestures that people used to make. It's really quite sad isn't it?
                        You can't fix stupid-Ron White


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ESG View Post
                          Many people mistake kindness for weakness. Many people are also crazy. You hit the jackpot with Judy, since she combined both qualities in one body. Yay.

                          As VCT said, don't stop being nice; just be a whole lot more choosy as to who you gift with your time and access to your horse(s). My dear sweet dad, who passed away in May, told me, when I'd been through not one but two similar experiences, "Listen, before you offer; not just to what people say, but for what they don't say."

                          Sorry if you've mentioned this already, but did the kid ever ask to ride, or to be around the horses, or was it all Judy? IME, unless the kid is the one begging for horsey time, they're not the ones with the real interest. If Mumsy is the one doing the pushing and the asking, point them towards the local lesson barn and make the quickest escape you can, gracefully. Then run, and don't look back.
                          I have had similar experiences too and your dads advice is absolutly perfect! Wow! Thanks for posting!


                          • #14
                            Advice on dealing with this type of parent? Don't. Give them an inch.......

                            If they are interested in riding, refer them to a lesson/camp/academy program. This arrangement is better suited to dealing with this type since payment, insurance and contracts are involved.

                            Plenty of families out there pay $$ to have their kids ride.

                            I'd love to see this woman finagle soccer/figure skating/violin/dance, et al for her daughter for free.