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Ever feel like you don't belong?

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  • #61
    Originally posted by VaudevilleD View Post
    Yes I was talking about connection. I feel I cannot connect with people at shows. I mean I'm not socially awkward but I just don't really have anything in common with them. I am nice and respectful but very quiet at shows. I had someone ask me and I quote, "You are a plain down to earth girl, why are you in this classy expensive sport"?

    I honestly just wanted a few peoples opinions and see if others felt the same way, but I got a mob of angry names coming at me telling me Im jealous of what others have. Its not a big deal people can have their opinions and judge me through their computer screen.

    And yes I didn't know about those other threads and I didn't mean for my original post to spark such a hateful fire
    I occasionally feel that way. Every once in a while, I find myself in a situation and I think "I don't belong here...I'm so different from these people", but when we focus on what we all have on common - we love horses - we can connect with each other.

    I think the OP was pointing out differences in economics not because she's jealous, but because she thinks maybe that has something to do with lack of connection. It's more about culture and having something in common than it is being jealous or envious.

    OP, try to look last the "stuff" (the multiple saddles,tack trunks, warm bloods, whatever) and seek out what you have in common - presumably your love of the animals.
    ~ Citizens for a Kinder, Gentler COTH...our mantra: Be nice. ~

    Comment


    • #62
      I had someone ask me and I quote, "You are a plain down to earth girl, why are you in this classy expensive sport"?
      I think I would have just responded "What a bizarre question. Why do you ask?"

      I mean, that's an extremely strange thing to say. But in that case, she's the socially awkward one, not you.

      I like to think of horse shows as one big party. Now that I'm no longer in a barn or riding for a trainer with Big Drama, it's easy to do that. Pack a tailgate, try saying hello to people and being friendly (it's not that hard), and smiling a bit.

      But being extremely quiet and isolating yourself? Perhaps they think you're being snobby. Obviously you have something in common with them or you wouldn't be there. But if you keep thinking of it as a sort of me versus them, you lose any chance for camaraderie.

      Most of us in horse sports are there because we like horses. If you don't, I would imagine most people would find it to be a bit of a PITA - early mornings, a lot of dirt, sweat, mud, and hair, not to mention the extravagant costs that could easily be spent elsewhere to display a similar imitation of wealth. Like at Barneys.
      ---
      They're small hearts.

      Comment

      • Original Poster

        #63
        Originally posted by vxf111 View Post
        Well, it originally had some different material that explains why the earlier posters (myself included) took your post differently than later posters. Whether you meant it or not, your original post really came off that you were jealous other people had nice things like expensive horses and saddles and you felt like you didn't fit in because you couldn't afford those things. Which is why I made the comment about keeping up the Joneses. I wouldn't have made that comment if you didn't have the original content about fancy saddles and horses. If it's not what you meant, that's fine. But it's how it read and it's something that earlier posters responded to.
        I actually really liked your original comment and found it helpful. I didn't mean to come off whinny or jealous that is why I took the part about the saddles and the imports out.

        Comment


        • #64
          I'm like Trixie. I say hi to people, tell them their horse is cute, or whatever. I talk to everyone--back gate people, show office people, other riders, trainers, people with interesting-looking dogs, congratulate someone who just won a good class, you name it. It makes the day far more fun. Most people answer back. If someone doesn't I figure meh, but I'm not offended.
          The Evil Chem Prof

          Comment


          • #65
            It's been a while since I have shown but when I did, the adult riders were always nice and supportive of each other but some of the juniors seemed cliquey and catty. Granted, I was showing the local circuit but this may be what the OP is experiencing. OP, I hope you can continue to enjoy your horse and find your place! TBs are very special!

            Comment


            • #66
              Originally posted by Peggy View Post
              I'm like Trixie. I say hi to people, tell them their horse is cute, or whatever. I talk to everyone--back gate people, show office people, other riders, trainers, people with interesting-looking dogs, congratulate someone who just won a good class, you name it. It makes the day far more fun. Most people answer back. If someone doesn't I figure meh, but I'm not offended.
              I always talk to people at shows. If I see something to compliment, I do. If someone needs help, I help. In my experience other than people who are clammed up due to nerves/stress (and I understand that!) most everyone at horse shows is pretty friendly if you're friendly to them.
              ~Veronica
              "The Son Dee Times" "Sustained" "Somerset" "Franklin Square"
              http://photobucket.com/albums/y192/vxf111/

              Comment


              • #67
                Originally posted by Trixie View Post
                But being extremely quiet and isolating yourself? Perhaps they think you're being snobby.
                When I was in my teens this happened to me. I was shy and a bit over-awed by everything, and I often (unconsiously) went around with a serious look on my face. One day my coach told me that an acquaintance mentioned she thought I was aloof and snobby and had been ignoring people. I couldn't believe it!

                So now, not only am I more understanding of others who may be doing the same thing... but I agree with others here who say, put on a smile and compliment someone. Usually people like to talk about themselves or their horses. Get them to open up, and they will think you're the friendly one!
                Blugal

                You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng

                Comment


                • #68
                  I may understand what you are going through, OP, and as others have suggested, as you get a little older your perception will change and you may look back on this with a different conclusion.

                  I had an amazing junior hunter horse, an OTTB, by the way, that I was only able to have the opportunity to own because a generous woman just wanted him to have a good home and job. I used to roll into shows with a 2 horse trailer with a faded paint job that said "national circuit rodeo champion" on it, unload my Rubbermaid tub (no trunk), got up at 3:00 am to braid with the paid braiders, and showed in an ill-fitting, out-dated coat and SYNTHETIC field boots.

                  At A shows!

                  I looked at the girls from the BNB's with their grooms and golf carts and seemed to absorb the impression I wouldn't be able to make friends with them, they would be too intimidating to approach, they would look down on me, you name it. I wanted to make friends, but considering where I was coming from, I assumed we wouldn't have much in common.

                  Fast forward more years than I would like to admit: I still haul to shows in the same trailer, my boots and coat have improved but I still use rubbermaids. At one show I went to, a well dressed, trendy woman actually came up to thank me, for proving "you don't need a huge fancy rig or the best clothes to show like my daughter seems to think!" I wasn't quite sure how to take that (!) but now I know I can relate to, and have fun with, anyone at the shows because you learn that it is your character that matters most. If you're enjoying your horse and can put in a little effort to meet others who feel the same, there are a lot of freinds to be made. And sometimes it just takes a good sense of humor

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    I still use a Rubbermaid. My tall boots were $36 bucks, thanks, Ebay impulse buy! Clearly very offensive, turnout wise. I think my whole outfit there less the helmet was under a few hundred bucks, tops.

                    We've upgraded our truck and trailer over the years but that was kind of by need. We needed a truck that didn't break down on the side of I-66 and found it preferable not to have to use our US-Rider account, great as though they are. The current trailer was a want, but ETBW has decided she doesn't want to suffer through horse shows without an awning anymore. We justified that one as a "need" because our steel one was rusting and we just didn't have the time to do the maintenance necessary to keep it in proper working order.

                    Oh, and we did Upperville in sketchball 1991 Ford F-350 Dually with red stock trailer attached. Nobody died. This was old truck. This was a common scene.

                    Just be friendly. Most people will be friendly back. We do this by feeding everyone within shouting distance. Helps to keep a bottle of chilled champagne at your rig.
                    ---
                    They're small hearts.

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Originally posted by Rel6 View Post
                      I honestly don't believe its about what you can or cannot afford, its about people who make you notice it.

                      Growing up I was the kid with a single mom who couldn't afford to buy a horse and leased for the summer instead. On my college team I was the kid whose mom could afford to lease her all these big fancy horses.

                      I've been on both ends of the spectrum and the only time I'm really aware of it or the only times it bothers me is when I feel like other people are aware of it. It was never the nice girl with the super nice horses that I felt out of place with, it was the who talked about how expensive all her things were that made me feel that way.

                      So by all means find a new barn, but I think its the quality of the people and not the deepness (or lack thereof) of their pockets that will make you feel more comfortable.
                      Absolutely agree. I worked at a barn that had $$$ clientele, and they never once made me (a penniless working student) feel out of place or worthless.

                      Conversely, I am at a "low end" boarding barn now, and the people there are as about as affluent as I am (meaning they have shallow pockets too). What makes me feel out of place is their flippant and crazy attitudes. I miss the DQs at the big barn I worked at every day!!
                      AETERNUM VALE, INVICTUS - 7/10/2012

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        OP, you sound great, and this stuff is tough and sometimes doesn't make sense. But here are a few thoughts:

                        -- Riding is the best sport, because your #1 teammate is oblivious. Your horse doesn't do people-social-dynamics, and as long as you two are getting along, you're in a way better spot than if, say, you were into ballet or something all-human .

                        -- So along those lines, anyone at the barn or at shows who is worth connecting with will be able to connect with you over your horses, even if it takes a while!

                        -- Plus: riding transcends age. I was a super awkward teenager, but remember making friends with a woman my parents' age when she rode in my lesson for a few months. We'd hang out in the grooming stalls and talk horses; it was great. So try connecting with people outside your own demographic. You can always start up a conversation by asking questions or offering to help with something, and see where it goes - you may find H/J rider friends in unexpected places.

                        Unfortunately, switching disciplines isn't a cure-all for finding the right group of people - it just depends who you happen to get along with and which barns' personalities you mesh with. It's certainly worth a try, but you might find H/J connections in unexpected places under the surface without leaving the discipline, if that's your true interest in riding/showing.

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          Originally posted by Rel6 View Post
                          So by all means find a new barn, but I think its the quality of the people and not the deepness (or lack thereof) of their pockets that will make you feel more comfortable.
                          Having been in many BNT barns in several different disciplines, this is SO on the mark. While we have our horses & ponies at home, DD & I ride with a BNT and I currently lease a GP dressage horse (NOT b/c I'm showing GP!! re-rider!!) at BNT's fancy facility. There are 2 barns at this place - one for the lesson program kids and then the upper barn where the serious competitors (and somehow me...) are. There is NO WAY under the sun that Husband of the Year & I could keep up financially with the folks in the upper barn. We will never buy a 6 figure horse...my used Prestige saddle was a nice chunk of change but change to others I ride with.

                          HOWEVER - these are the nicest, realest, most supportive and genuine folks I've ever met in the decades of being in horses. When I showed up with my big TB mare, complete with all her issues and my having not really ridden in a long time, they were wonderful. And these folks are the ones who actually have something to brag about when it comes to their accomplishments and horses. Yet time and again, what I witness is a sincere desire to support one another - regardless of income bracket, quality of horse, etc. The flip side of this is that up the road is a barn that looks like something you'd see on the Southern Pines Barn Tour (FANCY). The barn is NOT full of fancy horses or accomplished riders...lots of local ribbons from classes that some poor judge had to pin. Yet there is also an air of superiority that you can feel just walking in. It's not a comfy, easy place to be at all.

                          If you're unhappy where you are, I would suggest taking a big step back and a hard look at what is really making you unhappy. When we allow rosettes & ribbons & silver bowls to carry too much weight in our horse life happiness, all we do is set ourselves up for disappointment.

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            I posted something similar to this a while ago on a different thread but the answer is still the same... not really.*

                            My free OTTB gelding took home a champion, a reserve, and a cooler at A finals. His rider rode him in a $400 used M Toulouse that I got on ebay *

                            I won't lie, there were moments I worried that he was out of his league, but it just took time, great riding, and good training.*

                            I can't think of a time when he wasn't last in the hack but I couldn't care less. He loves the hack and it's worth it to see him truck his happy little butt around. He can outjump them all and that's all anyone really cares about *

                            Here is my favorite (often posted) picture of my free OTTB fittin' in just fine


                            http://s75.photobucket.com/albums/i3...24d983b2b1.jpg

                            For fun: Right after I got him when I was dreaming of a dressage horse... proof that miracles do exist in this world

                            http://s75.photobucket.com/albums/i3...t=0611549b.jpg

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              I think a few people have brought something very important to the forefront. There are so many different types of people - good and bad. No matter if they have a lot of money or not - doesn't define their personality to begin with.

                              I rode an appy in the 80's he was my Dad's $350.00 off the track purchase that was wild and crazy as a 3 year old. I wanted to jump so bad that this horse was my only chance of getting to jump. There were times I wanted to paint his white rump black so I could "fit in". I didn't have a fancy Crosby LOL, I had some off the wall brand Whippy (which I still have).

                              There were mean girls that thumbed their noses at me aboard their fancy TB's ( ) I never forgot that but I was so clueless I didn't know if they had money or not. I just knew they weren't very nice. I remember people coming up to me saying what a fantastic horse he was. And even some big name judges remember my boy to this day. He held his own and did very well for me for many years.

                              Here were are (brick breeches and all) in the 80's... he was such a handsome guy!! Boy do I miss him.

                              https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...type=3&theater
                              Live in the sunshine.
                              Swim in the sea.
                              Drink the wild air.

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                I'm glad to note other posters hear the OP - and reading these posts makes me remember back to the days when our daughters were showing (and eventing, and hunting, etc.) We were not members of the true blue showing fraternity, we did not have the BNT (just me) and felt much the same way.
                                The BNT's pushed us around a bit in the warm-up ring, but we carried on.
                                However, results proved we were in the league...and the future was rosy.
                                We just hung around with our own type.
                                Proud member of People Who Hate to Kill Wildlife clique

                                Comment


                                • #76
                                  Originally posted by Trixie View Post
                                  I still use a Rubbermaid. My tall boots were $36 bucks, thanks, Ebay impulse buy! Clearly very offensive, turnout wise. I think my whole outfit there less the helmet was under a few hundred bucks, tops.

                                  We've upgraded our truck and trailer over the years but that was kind of by need. We needed a truck that didn't break down on the side of I-66 and found it preferable not to have to use our US-Rider account, great as though they are. The current trailer was a want, but ETBW has decided she doesn't want to suffer through horse shows without an awning anymore. We justified that one as a "need" because our steel one was rusting and we just didn't have the time to do the maintenance necessary to keep it in proper working order.

                                  Oh, and we did Upperville in sketchball 1991 Ford F-350 Dually with red stock trailer attached. Nobody died. This was old truck. This was a common scene.

                                  Just be friendly. Most people will be friendly back. We do this by feeding everyone within shouting distance. Helps to keep a bottle of chilled champagne at your rig.
                                  This made me laugh! Someone fixing the engine as a frequent scene! My truck has been giving me problems and I think upgrade. But then it gets fixed and I love my truck again. I just can't rationalize 40k plus to drive maybe 3k miles a year!

                                  Comment


                                  • #77
                                    Originally posted by Peggy View Post
                                    I'm like Trixie. I say hi to people, tell them their horse is cute, or whatever. I talk to everyone--back gate people, show office people, other riders, trainers, people with interesting-looking dogs, congratulate someone who just won a good class, you name it. It makes the day far more fun. Most people answer back. If someone doesn't I figure meh, but I'm not offended.
                                    Yes! I am the same way. I sometimes challenge myself to say 'hi' to as many people as I can! I have met some really nice and friendly horse people that way.

                                    I recently returned to riding after a four year break. The last time I was riding with any consistency was in college and before that I worked in the barn to pay off leases on the tough schoolies no one else wanted to ride.

                                    As a teenager I was really concerned with what other people thought of me (who ISN'T as a fifteen year old? ) so I worked hard at my job at the barn. I was much more quiet, more reserved and more concerned with the horses than the people (although I had a group of older girls who were my friends).

                                    Now I ride at a nice barn with schoolies, lesson students, DQs, hunter princesses, etc. A whole rigamarole. And I finally have the time/money/energy to invest in my lessons which I take seriously.

                                    But having a few year away from riding to develop other hobbies and interests and grow up a bit and see more of the world has much SUCH a difference for me.

                                    Now I am more outgoing, more friendly, more able to speak up for myself, and more comfortable around all types of horse people. Sometimes I feel myself falling into the trap of "one-upping" that other boarders engage in but I stop myself. It's a competition in the show ring, not in the aisle!

                                    I can appreciate each and every ride more now. And I feel less reliant on the opinions of others for my own riding happiness. Having other interests and A LIFE outside the barn too also helps immensely (never thought I would actually want one but it makes my riding time much more special!)

                                    OP, I know what it feels like to feel like the outsider. But remember, your opinions and the way you do things are what make you uniquely you--don't skip out on making new connections/new friends/new experiences just because you feel "lesser than" other. You most definitely are not.

                                    Comment


                                    • #78
                                      Originally posted by Foxtrot's View Post
                                      Hmm - wonder if you are right, Meup? Besides which, another new poster coming on with jaundiced view before even sizing everyone up.
                                      Really? So you are assuming I am going under multiple names? If that is the case, why would I say I am being way to invested and have anything meaningful to do with my life to myself.

                                      Can't handle opinions that are not the same as yours?

                                      I may come across as an insensitive person because I say things how I see them and don't sugar coat things. It may not be popular but obviously it gave the OP a reality check that she sounded like she was whining and changed her posts. Some don't want to hear about reality or admit there are others that feel the same way. I have no reason to post with other names. Please.
                                      If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

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