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Do I Stay or Do I Go ... need advice (warning: a little whining)

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  • #81
    As my signature says, the truth is always in the middle. Everybody has good points. But you have to get angry enough to move. It sometimes takes that for those of us that give to much benefit of the doubt!

    DO NOT let her take your horse to another show. I don't care if they've paid any entry fees, worked hard, or whatever the excuse given. People tend to get very angry when you take away their sweet deal!

    And I second the comment about taking your horse the day you give notice. Pay through the end of the month and leave.

    Be descreet in your new barn. They aren't stupid, they'll know everything going on locally. It's a very small world. Give you horse some time off, and yourself some time to heal. He won't need a lot to get going again, and he'll be happy for the break.

    Keep us posted. We'll be your cheering squad. Text to the board if you need to, we'll be here!
    The truth is always in the middle.


    • #82
      Poor horse!

      You have Stockholm Syndrome lol! You have been brainwashed to think you need her and that she is right. You can tell that is not the case, hence the conflicts.

      The part that bothers me is the poor horse - he cannot tell you that he is being used too much or treated badly. And you say he is not in trouble YET from the saddle and the lack of feed/hay - were you willing to wait until the poor guy actually needed a vet? Do you hear how bad that sounds that you know he needs a certain type of saddle and more feed and you are willing to wait until he shows major symptoms? You sound like a very nive (too nice) person, but this is just plain WRONG. You are your horses only advocate - I would NEVER let anyone use my guys for lessons just for that reason - unless I am there for each or trusted my trainer with MY life, let alone my horse's.

      That said, I feel for you and, having been passive in my younger days with my previous BO, I know how stressful it is. Keep it short and sweet, and have a plan to move your guy ASAP so that he does not get mysteriously hurt - you are too far away to be able to guard him.

      Good luck!


      • #83
        I think when my trainer suggests I pay parking for my vehicle after I am toted off the property in an ambulance will be when I inform them I am moving my horse. And have absolutely no qualms or 2nd thoughts about it. Seriously...what kind of craptastic behavior is that???
        "I'm not crazy...my mother had me tested"


        • #84
          I was kind of hoping the pay for parking while at the hospital thing was a bad joke on the trainer's part.


          • #85
            It's very disturbing to me that while listing all those things in the OP, in the subject line you are still looking for advice and wondering whether you should go???

            People can't take advantage of you unless you allow them to do it. You have allowed this person to walk all over you and charge you extra for that. Most people would have left after she used your horse -after bullying you into it, and then failed to credit you for it, never mind all the rest.

            Then charging you for parking after the broken pelvis? And you paid it??? After she stiffed you on using your horse for lessons? She 's not your friend....she's a user and sadly, you are enabling her.


            • #86
              As you said yourself in a post " I´m quite a dominant person in the workplace but when it comes to horses..." .

              You know the answer to your own question..Would you accept that an employee would let´s say sit in your office in your chair when you return from lunch, using your computer and asking you to get her/him some coffee and then ask you for a tip when returning?


              • #87
                Wow, OP...I really feel your pain. I'm glad you are looking for a new place.

                I have been in a similiar situation, and made the break earlier this year. It was the best thing I have ever done with regard to my horses.

                I immediately started treating both for ulcers (they both had them). Both horse's coats and weight look better than ever. My previously unrideable mare, is now calm, and I'm getting ready to ride her for the first time in 4 years next weekend. (We have been lunging her and getting her back in shape). I can tell huge differences in both horse's attitudes and expressions. Other trainers and other people comment about how calm and happy my horses now look. Proof is in the pudding.

                I had the chiro out, and guess what...my mare was out in 7 ribs and 13 vertebrea. Poor saddle fit was to blame. No wonder she has been unrideable. i was afraid she had developed kissing spines. Poor saddle fit can do a lot of damage, some of it repairable, most of it not.

                Making the break is hard...but it's so much better once you get away. This woman is very similiar to my previous trainer...very manipulative, cheap and only out for her own well-being at the expense of you and your dear horse. I put up with the BS for 8 years. I'm glad you are getting out sooner.

                The key for me, would have been charging for parking while you were injured. That is wrong on so many levels. Talk about lack of compassion. Wow! Using your horse without compensation is another.

                I would think finding a temporary location would be worlds better than what you are putting up with right now. I would just find someplace else. ASAP. Don't worry about what she tells others...chances are, they already know what she is like, and will approach you later and congratulate you for leaving.
                Last edited by Blkarab; Jun. 14, 2013, 05:07 PM. Reason: grammer and spelling
                Unashamed Member of the Dressage Arab Clique
                CRAYOLA POSSE= Thistle


                • #88
                  OP, so glad you are moving ASAP. May I suggest a few things?

                  1. Show barns usually require a deposit, often times it is one month's board. Assuming you have paid one for your horse at the current barn you are NOT required to pay anything more once you give 30 days notice. Let the trainer keep the deposit. If you pay for the remaining days and then ask for your deposit back guess what? It won't ever happen. Bye bye deposit. I'm honest to a fault and learned this one the hard way.

                  2. Start moving your stuff now. Small brushes, extra saddle pads, anything and everything. Since she doesn't use your saddle definitely take that, she won't even notice! If anyone asks just say you're doing spring cleaning and want to check over all your gear.

                  3. Your trainer sounds like she could fly off the handle. Move your horse to the new facility and THEN give notice. Since you have your own trailer this should be easy. I was in a bad situation at a barn last year, the barn manger was really laid back and very cool about everything - except when I gave notice. I genuinely feared for how I was going to get my horse on the trailer and when it came shipping day, BO was indeed there and caused a ruckus. It was very nerve wracking.


                  • #89
                    Hi Sammicat. I meant to reply to your thread last night but got caught up in the Amber Eyes thread -- took hours to read, LOL. I am also a professional and can appreciate how you can be authoritative in one part of your life and ...um... not so much in another. Time to take control of your equestrian life and not tolerate such abusive behavior from your trainer. She may be a judge, may be respected by some, but she is walking all over you and that is not to be tolerated from a person who is providing a service to you. You are paying her for her services, and being taken advantage of. Not cool, and you have the good fortune to live in an area with lots of options available to you, albeit many are costly. I always try to imagine what the consequence to me would be if I were to treat my clients in an analagous fashion. The answer is quite clear that I would be fired in short order. Do not tolerate this treatment, especially when paying good money for it. This is a dysfunctional, abusive relationship for you and seems equally unfortunate for your horse. Get out.
                    No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle. ~Winston Churchill


                    • #90
                      I do like an earlier off-hand comment. If she reads the COTH forums, she may already know and you won't even have to tell her, LOL!
                      The truth is always in the middle.


                      • #91
                        Originally posted by Surly Sue View Post
                        I always try to imagine what the consequence to me would be if I were to treat my clients in an analagous fashion. The answer is quite clear that I would be fired in short order. Do not tolerate this treatment, especially when paying good money for it. This is a dysfunctional, abusive relationship for you and seems equally unfortunate for your horse. Get out.
                        I love this, and its so true. We forget, as students/boarders/owners of horses that horses are a service based industry. If the service is terrible, then we, as consumers, are at least partly responsible for doing something about it.
                        "Choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides" - Garth Brooks
                        "With your permission, dear, I'll take my fences one at a time" - Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey


                        • Original Poster

                          Originally posted by PaintedHunter View Post
                          This would actually be a deal breaker for me, LOL.


                          • #93
                            I'd think I'd prefer swearing and drinking to using a horse for lessons in a saddle he's not comfortable in and trying to make him into a freebie ride for some junior, and telling you you can't move your property with your property because she won't make enough money trailering.
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                            • Original Poster

                              Originally posted by trubandloki View Post
                              I was kind of hoping the pay for parking while at the hospital thing was a bad joke on the trainer's part.
                              It actually wasn't! I only ended up giving her $10 because that's what I had in my pocket, but, yeah, she took it! My husband about hit the roof!!


                              • #95
                                Oh geez, OP, people are getting all the way riled up.... when it's not their deal, their money, their sh!tstorm to stir up by leaving in a huff or not.


                                1. Learn from this. What do you want in a relationship with a barn? With a trainer? What do you need/want? What do you need to work on in yourself so that the next one is better than this one?

                                2. Research barns and trainers. Be polite and thorough in checking out good candidates. Say very little and nothing bad about the program you are in now.

                                3. Unless your horse is in danger, when you move, just give your 30 days' notice and expect your R judge pro to Do The Right Thing and care for the horse. You can let her know with steely eyes that you expect this level of professionalism if you have doubts. But don't expect the worst as the peanut gallery likes to do.

                                4. Know that experienced and charismatic horse pros *do* tend to make clients feel like the client just can't survive without them. I'll bet every one of us has fallen under that spell to a degree somewhere, sometime. Don't feel bad that it happened to you, too. Again, however, this is a learning experience.

                                Take a minute to make an inventory about what you *do* know how to do well for your horse, or what you know about horse care, and then list what you don't. That will help you know how to accept help but not be co-dependent with horse trainers in the future.

                                Best of luck to you!
                                The armchair saddler
                                Politically Pro-Cat


                                • #96
                                  Yah, the pay for parking was just so sad and petty. I certainly have been taken advantage of in the horse world and it does happen regularly but we all learn. And as someone else said, your horse does not need training rides, your trainer is working only for herself. We all live and learn and laugh about it later !


                                  • #97
                                    Okay, not to beat the proverbial dead you-know-what, but I really can't get over this parking thing. I cannot believe she asked you to pay it, I can't believe you gave her money, and I can't believe she actually took it, all while not paying YOU money that she ACTUALLY owes you! It's astonishing.

                                    So, I have to ask: has she ever been nice to you in any way, ever? I just can't imagine what kind of person would charge for parking at a barn when one of their boarders was hauled off in an ambulance with a broken pelvis! I know without question that if that happened at my barn, not only would our BO not charge, she would go out of her way to help get the car home.

                                    I just can't stop thinking about that. What a freakin' jerk.


                                    • #98
                                      Go!!! Or just get in her face and tell her everything, it feels good.
                                      You can also give me the number and I'll take care of it for you... no charge
                                      There are so many people that I've been wanted to insult these last months and even years, that she could be my "punching ball" if that'll help you....



                                      • Original Poster

                                        Originally posted by MILOUTE55 View Post
                                        Go!!! Or just get in her face and tell her everything, it feels good.
                                        You can also give me the number and I'll take care of it for you... no charge
                                        There are so many people that I've been wanted to insult these last months and even years, that she could be my "punching ball" if that'll help you....
                                        That was just the smile I needed this morning! For about 2 minutes I was almost ready to take you up on it. LOL


                                        • Original Poster

                                          Parking Issue ... and my next step

                                          People seem to be blown away by the parking issue, and I have to admit, now that I look at it, it was pretty smarmy. My husband about hit the roof when I told him. He wanted to march out to the barn and say "we are out of here." Of course, I talked him down. I don't really know what was going through my head to justify her actions, but ... somehow I was able to think it was a matter of opinion.

                                          I think I've just fallen into the trap of thinking she is so good and so much better than me that I can look and excuse almost anything. One of the good things about being off of riding, and not at the barn as much, for the last 7 weeks is that my head has cleared and now I can clearly see what's been going on.

                                          And ... yesterday, I was cleared to ride again - light riding!!!! WOOHOO!!! Today I am going out to the barn and giving my notice. I will let you know what happens