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Do I Stay or Do I Go ... need advice (warning: a little whining)

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  • #61
    Originally posted by Renn/aissance View Post
    Give 30 days notice. Pay accordingly. Move the same day you give notice.
    This.

    OP, I have few regrets in life, but one of the biggies was waiting to move my horse from a situation where he didn't thrive and I wasn't happy. I wanted to give the old barn owner a chance to improve. I did that at the expense of my horse. Never again.

    MOVE NOW.

    Comment


    • #62
      Originally posted by Starhouse View Post
      If you aren't going to advocate for yourself, at least advocate for your horse, who seems to have perfectly good fitting tack that they can use if they want to ride him.
      ^^^ This. I have to chime in with everyone else. Go. Now. Find your permanent spot afterwards if the first place is too much $$$.

      I've said this before and I'll say it many times more before I die - "God did not put you on this earth to be anyone's doormat!" Any time someone tries to walk on you, remember that phrase - commit to memory!! People walk on you when you LET THEM.

      Your horse can not advocate for himself. He depends on you and YOUR BACKBONE to be his voice and defense. That's it, in a nutshell. Someone walks on you, you're walked on. Someone walks on you to the detriment of your horse, you are not doing your job as an owner.
      Founding Member: Spotted Saddlebred Pals Clique
      Radar: “Why do women ride sidesaddles?”
      Col. Potter: “Would you marry a woman who didn’t?”
      TV show: MASH

      Comment

      • Original Poster

        #63
        I originally wasn't going to make this post ... I know how easy it is to just complain and whine in a forum and only give one side of the story. But I am glad I did. I read the post to my husband - who is notoriously skeptical - and he said I made the situation sound better than it's been. In fact, he is very glad that people have called me what I am being ... a doormat.

        After reading all the posts and advice, it has finally dawned on me to get my head out of my you-know-what and do what will make me happy and keep my horse healthy. My husband has been somewhat reluctant for me to move because of the extra money, but the posts have also helped point out the obvious to him. The next steps for me is to sign papers at the new barn, give notice to my barn, and move. I don't want to go into it with my trainer so I'm wondering if it's acceptable to just say I'm moving to another facility with an indoor so I can ride whenever I like? I know that's not exactly honest, but I don't want to end up in some kind of long, drawn-out, dramatic mess.
        Last edited by CrittersMom; Jun. 14, 2013, 11:44 AM. Reason: adding information

        Comment


        • #64
          Good for you! I am so glad you are taking steps to improve things for you and your horse. There are lots of more assertive people on here who will probably suggest you tell even more of the truth when you leave, but I would personally do exactly what you said about the indoor. It is true, and very reasonable, even if it isn't the whole story. It also gives you something benign to say if people ask why you left. Even then, expect your soon to be former trainer may have less than nice things to say about you. Just be glad you will be gone.

          Originally posted by sammicat View Post
          I originally wasn't going to make this post ... I know how easy it is to just complain and whine in a forum and only give one side of the story. But I am glad I did. I read the post to my husband - who is notoriously skeptical - and he said I made the situation sound better than it's been. In fact, he is very glad that people have called me what I am being ... a doormat.

          After reading all the posts and advice, it has finally dawned on me to get my head out of my you-know-what and do what will make me happy and keep my horse healthy. My husband has been somewhat reluctant for me to move because of the extra money, but the posts have also helped point out the obvious to him. The next steps for me is to sign papers at the new barn, give notice to my barn, and move. I don't want to go into it with my trainer so I'm wondering if it's acceptable to just say I'm moving to another facility with an indoor so I can ride whenever I like? I know that's not exactly honest, but I don't want to end up in some kind of long, drawn-out, dramatic mess.

          Comment


          • #65
            You do not owe your trainer an explanation.

            What you have proposed saying is just fine, and while it might not be the whole truth, it is in fact, true.

            Your trainer is also, not stupid. She will, as you exhibit more spine, come to understand that you figured her out. It won't change her behavior, she'll just go on to the next one.

            In the meantime, prohibit anyone from using or showing your horse. No lessons, no shows, no nothing. Give your guy a well deserved break, it won't hurt him and he won't forget what he knows in a month.

            If your trainer confronts you, or worse, offers to change and sweeten your deal, I'll give you this piece of advice. Believe what someone is the second they show you. She's already shown you she's a liar, she's already shown you she's only in it for herself, and she's already shown you she doesn't really care about your horse. Do. Not. Cave. In.

            Comment


            • #66
              Originally posted by sammicat View Post
              I originally wasn't going to make this post ... I know how easy it is to just complain and whine in a forum and only give one side of the story. But I am glad I did. I read the post to my husband - who is notoriously skeptical - and he said I made the situation sound better than it's been. In fact, he is very glad that people have called me what I am being ... a doormat.

              After reading all the posts and advice, it has finally dawned on me to get my head out of my you-know-what and do what will make me happy and keep my horse healthy. My husband has been somewhat reluctant for me to move because of the extra money, but the posts have also helped point out the obvious to him. The next steps for me is to sign papers at the new barn, give notice to my barn, and move. I don't want to go into it with my trainer so I'm wondering if it's acceptable to just say I'm moving to another facility with an indoor so I can ride whenever I like? I know that's not exactly honest, but I don't want to end up in some kind of long, drawn-out, dramatic mess.
              You don't owe her an explanation. Unless she's mentally ill, she'll know why you're leaving. All you need to do is fulfill whatever obligations are laid out in your boarding/training agreement and tell her thanks for everything she's done; you and Dobbin will be leaving on X date. If she asks why you're leaving, you can say something vague like your goals have changed or you can be more blunt and say it's not really her business—whatever you're more comfortable saying. I think the most expected of you at this point is civility.

              I would highly recommend leaving the same day you give notice, possibly even after your horse has left if you think she's going to be a drama queen. She will almost certainly get angry at you and start saying mean things to you and about you. Keep getting your stuff together and say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't get angry back and don't let her comments get to you. If your husband is likely to stay calm and can be an intimidating presence, bring him along for moral support and an extra pair of hands.

              If you think you can start taking stuff home now without that being noticed, do it. You don't want to have any issues when you leave about what items belong to you.
              Full-time bargain hunter.

              Comment

              • Original Poster

                #67
                Any suggestions for barns in Central Jersey??

                As I mentioned, I've been looking at barns in the area and have one I like. I was wondering if people have any other experience with mid-size barns within about 30-45 minutes from zip code 08611. The barn should have an indoor, individual or pairs turn-out, parking for my trailer, and must have good, reliable care including blanketing and feeding the supplements I provide, via Smartpak. The barns I've looked at are:
                Hay Fever Farm - so far the best I've seen, but a wee bit expensive
                Stargate Farm - very nice farm and my second choice, but I've heard conflicting results about the care in the past
                Woodedge and Duncraven - both very nice, but too expensive
                Rhythm and Blues - primarily a dressage barn, and they are full

                Wide open for suggestions and thoughts.

                Thank you everyone for your help.

                Comment


                • #68
                  Two things stand out to the point of making me gasp.

                  1. Telling you that you have to trailer with her so she can make money when you have your own trailer. WTF?!?!? I have been with BNT's who make a lot of $$ off trailering, and yet they never ever have said a word about me hauling my own horse. Not only do I save $$ shipping, but I can go to the show the day before my horse shows, and leave as soon as my division is over. It often saves me $300+ on day care fees.

                  2. Telling you that you have to pay for parking your car at the barn, when you were taken by ambulance to the hospital with a broken pelvis!?!?! Another WTF moment. People just do not act that way unless they have a serious antisocial personality disorder.

                  I am always interested when I read these posts about "should I leave this barn", because we are only hearing what you are telling us. If you have been really conflicted you would have given us information which showed your trainer in a positive light, to balance off the things that bother you. Yet you didn't; your original post screamed "I want to leave!!! Tell me it is OK." Read your post from our perspective and you can see how you already know that you should have been out of there like yesterday.

                  We are only affirming what you already know. You need to trust yourself and your instincts more.

                  Also: re showing without a trainer --- you never have to show without a trainer. No one is making you. Either only go to shows with your trainer or you ask him/her to recommend someone who will help you at the show, if he/she is not going to be there.

                  Lesson to have learned from this: Understand your own comfort zone and then create a situation which keeps you inside it.
                  "He lives in a cocoon of solipsism"

                  Charles Krauthammer speaking about Trump

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Originally posted by sammicat View Post
                    As I mentioned, I've been looking at barns in the area and have one I like. I was wondering if people have any other experience with mid-size barns within about 30-45 minutes from zip code 08611. The barn should have an indoor, individual or pairs turn-out, parking for my trailer, and must have good, reliable care including blanketing and feeding the supplements I provide, via Smartpak. The barns I've looked at are:
                    Hay Fever Farm - so far the best I've seen, but a wee bit expensive
                    Stargate Farm - very nice farm and my second choice, but I've heard conflicting results about the care in the past
                    Woodedge and Duncraven - both very nice, but too expensive
                    Rhythm and Blues - primarily a dressage barn, and they are full

                    Wide open for suggestions and thoughts.

                    Thank you everyone for your help.
                    I would suggest creating an additional thread asking for barn suggestions so you get more responses from people who may not be following this thread.

                    Good luck! I'm sure your horse will thank you for your decision.

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      all I can say is WOW!

                      I just read this thread. Only one piece of advice
                      Show up with your trailer, give notice, pay the 30 days, leave immediately.

                      You don't owe any explanation, but if you want one? Use. I'm moving to a place that accomodates my needs better. Nothing more need be said.

                      Good luck.

                      Originally posted by sammicat View Post
                      As I mentioned, I've been looking at barns in the area and have one I like. I was wondering if people have any other experience with mid-size barns within about 30-45 minutes from zip code 08611. The barn should have an indoor, individual or pairs turn-out, parking for my trailer, and must have good, reliable care including blanketing and feeding the supplements I provide, via Smartpak. The barns I've looked at are:
                      Hay Fever Farm - so far the best I've seen, but a wee bit expensive
                      Stargate Farm - very nice farm and my second choice, but I've heard conflicting results about the care in the past
                      Woodedge and Duncraven - both very nice, but too expensive
                      Rhythm and Blues - primarily a dressage barn, and they are full

                      Wide open for suggestions and thoughts.

                      Thank you everyone for your help.
                      Not my monkeys, not my circus.

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        I am glad you are finally changing barns. Hopefully you find one that is a better fit for you and your horse so when you are all healed up you can get quickly back into riding instead of having to worry about all kinds of things.

                        Originally posted by sammicat View Post
                        - Lastly, she is notorious "thrifty". She cuts expenses wherever she can including feeding "too much" hay - as a result my horse eats the straw occasionally when he has been left inside this summer. So far nothing has happened to him.
                        Not saying your trainer is not skimpy on hay or anything like that, just want to say that some horses simply eat straw.
                        I own one of them. He for sure is not starving.

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          I'm so glad you're leaving!! I second the idea of starting to take stuff home now. Have the board contract signed and move ASAP after you give notice. This woman is not honest and is clearly a manipulator so I would not trust her with my horse once she knows her "cash cow" is leaving.

                          Be prepared for a guilt trip about how you're leaving the girl showing him high and dry. Unless you have a lease contract with her, you owe her NOTHING. Do not let her take him to that "one other show she was planning/sent in entries". Do not reimburse her for the entries. She could not be bothered to follow your instructions on the care of your horse and went so far as to ask you to pay entry fees for her. She's done.

                          I second the notion of taking your husband with you when you give notice, psy the balance of 30 days board, and pick up your horse. The "Trainer" will likely also give you a guilt trip about how you're leaving her in a lurch since she'll be down a school horse. Don't fall for it. You feel it's best for you and Dobbin. Period. No, you can't stay for the rest of the month, no Katie can't have just one last lesson on him since it's already scheduled. "Thank you for all you've done for us, but I think this other barn will be a better fit with the indoor and I'm looking forward to getting him settled as soon as possible."

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            I am glad you're getting out! What a nightmare.

                            But ditto on the straw-eating... my horse will eat shavings while in a stall at horse shows, just because it's there and he has nothing better to do. And he's quite beefy.
                            Blog chronicling our new eventing adventures: Riding With Scissors

                            Comment

                            • Original Poster

                              #74
                              Lord Helpus - you are absolutely correct in that I didn't include the good things about my trainer, so here goes ...
                              - Her lessons are good and her knowledge of horses and horsemanship is great. She does not push students into unsafe situations.

                              - She is very knowledgeable about the hunter world and what it takes to be successful at a show. Her daughter has made it all the way to Devon multiple times and won there in a hunter classes (I can't remember which ones).

                              - She doesn't generally gossip, at least that I've heard.

                              - She is very active and prominent in the local church, and does not tolerate behaviors such as swearing, drinking, etc. around the barn or at shows.

                              - Her husband is very handy and great if you need someone to do something quick like drilling a hole in your trailer or loosening the billet bolt. He also reacquainted my horse with trailering.

                              That said, I would like to think that I'm a good border ...
                              - my husband and I help out on the occasion when she needs someone to feed and bring in the horses.

                              - I've donated my horse gear that I don't use to other borders who can't afford them and the barn owner including several nice saddle blankets, several light and medium weight blankets and a brand new fly sheet.

                              - If I'm going to sell anything, I always give her the first shot at it at a greatly reduced price. I generally don't sell much.

                              Hopefully, this information will give a bit more balanced account.

                              Comment

                              • Original Poster

                                #75
                                Originally posted by sammicat View Post
                                As I mentioned, I've been looking at barns in the area and have one I like. I was wondering if people have any other experience with mid-size barns within about 30-45 minutes from zip code 08611. The barn should have an indoor, individual or pairs turn-out, parking for my trailer, and must have good, reliable care including blanketing and feeding the supplements I provide, via Smartpak. The barns I've looked at are:
                                Hay Fever Farm - so far the best I've seen, but a wee bit expensive
                                Stargate Farm - very nice farm and my second choice, but I've heard conflicting results about the care in the past
                                Woodedge and Duncraven - both very nice, but too expensive
                                Rhythm and Blues - primarily a dressage barn, and they are full

                                Wide open for suggestions and thoughts.

                                Thank you everyone for your help.
                                I've started a new thread. Thanks for the advice.

                                Comment


                                • #76
                                  Originally posted by EnjoyThe Ride View Post
                                  I'm so glad you're leaving!! I second the idea of starting to take stuff home now. Have the board contract signed and move ASAP after you give notice. This woman is not honest and is clearly a manipulator so I would not trust her with my horse once she knows her "cash cow" is leaving.

                                  Be prepared for a guilt trip about how you're leaving the girl showing him high and dry. Unless you have a lease contract with her, you owe her NOTHING. Do not let her take him to that "one other show she was planning/sent in entries". Do not reimburse her for the entries. She could not be bothered to follow your instructions on the care of your horse and went so far as to ask you to pay entry fees for her. She's done.

                                  I second the notion of taking your husband with you when you give notice, psy the balance of 30 days board, and pick up your horse. The "Trainer" will likely also give you a guilt trip about how you're leaving her in a lurch since she'll be down a school horse. Don't fall for it. You feel it's best for you and Dobbin. Period. No, you can't stay for the rest of the month, no Katie can't have just one last lesson on him since it's already scheduled. "Thank you for all you've done for us, but I think this other barn will be a better fit with the indoor and I'm looking forward to getting him settled as soon as possible."
                                  I agree with this. I really, really hope you will not cave and allow the girl to show your horse. Any more show miles this horse gets should be under you.
                                  I heard a neigh. Oh, such a brisk and melodious neigh as that was! My very heart leaped with delight at the sound. --Nathaniel Hawthorne

                                  Comment


                                  • #77
                                    Originally posted by sammicat View Post


                                    - does not tolerate behaviors such as swearing, drinking, etc. around the barn or at shows.
                                    This would actually be a deal breaker for me, LOL.
                                    Blog chronicling our new eventing adventures: Riding With Scissors

                                    Comment


                                    • #78
                                      I don't want to speak for LH, but I don't believe she was asking you to list the trainer's good qualities or that she was suggesting that you should have. She was commenting on how the fact that you didn't underlined that deep down, you already knew that you should leave and that you were looking for confirmation from us. With that said, allow me to add...

                                      Originally posted by sammicat View Post
                                      Lord Helpus - you are absolutely correct in that I didn't include the good things about my trainer, so here goes ...
                                      - Her lessons are good and her knowledge of horses and horsemanship is great. She does not push students into unsafe situations.

                                      - She is very knowledgeable about the hunter world and what it takes to be successful at a show. Her daughter has made it all the way to Devon multiple times and won there in a hunter classes (I can't remember which ones).

                                      Yes, you did tell us that she has the credentials to be a hunter trainer. So far, so good.

                                      - She doesn't generally gossip, at least that I've heard.

                                      No comment.

                                      - She is very active and prominent in the local church, and does not tolerate behaviors such as swearing, drinking, etc. around the barn or at shows.

                                      There are lots of manipulative, judgmental, and seriously flawed people in church governance. People are people, wherever you go. She talks the talk, but does she walk the walk? Your experience suggests not.

                                      - Her husband is very handy and great if you need someone to do something quick like drilling a hole in your trailer or loosening the billet bolt. He also reacquainted my horse with trailering.

                                      She is lucky to have a nice husband.
                                      I heard a neigh. Oh, such a brisk and melodious neigh as that was! My very heart leaped with delight at the sound. --Nathaniel Hawthorne

                                      Comment


                                      • #79
                                        Originally posted by sammicat View Post
                                        Lord Helpus - you are absolutely correct in that I didn't include the good things about my trainer, so here goes ...

                                        Lord Helpus' point was not that there weren't good things about your trainer because every single person has something good about them...but rather that you didn't include those things and they weren't included for a reason: You WANT TO GO, you just need the affirmations that you are making the right decision.

                                        If you didn't think you should go, your original post would've been more balanced.

                                        You are begging for us to give you "permission" to leave your trainer and to confirm you are making a good decision. We've given that to you. Now make the move happen.
                                        Keith: "Now...let's do something normal fathers and daughters do."
                                        Veronica: "Buy me a pony?"

                                        Comment


                                        • #80
                                          Originally posted by sammicat View Post
                                          I don't think my horse is suffering, at least in the short term, so I've let the saddle issue go. He does not move as well as when he is in a better fitting saddle and pad, but I don't think there is going to be any lasting issue and he does not show up obviously lame. .
                                          If he's not moving as well in the other saddle, he is obviously not comfortable and could develop back issues. Your trainer thinks back issues aren't important, because they can be fixed later? Just because a Devocoux is a "good" saddle doesn't mean it fits your guy, if its making him uncomfortable it is not good for him. Because she is "thrifty" she scimps on hay and your horse is eating the straw? You say no damage, but he's hungry! Sorry but your horse deserves a better owner, time to start making decisions that are in his best interests. Despite what you say, your trainer is not acting in your horse's best interests, its only her own interests she is looking out for.

                                          Comment

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