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*UGH* Why can't people just mind their own business?!

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  • #41
    Originally posted by mvp View Post
    Yabbut one person's snooping is another one's well-meaning conversation opener.
    Quite true. I'm a young (non-horse) professional. A lot of the women I board with are either retired or do not work outside the home. I don't have a ton in common with many of them besides horses, so it can be tough to think of things to say sometimes if I am trying to be friendly.

    Recently, I said hello to someone when I arrived at the barn after a long day at work and a crappy drive that took an hour and a half instead of the usual 30-45 minutes. In an effort to be friendly when I really didn't feel like being friendly, I asked, "How was your ride?" She responded tartly and said, "Well, if you really need to know, it was FINE."

    Um? I don't understand why there was any hostility on her part, as it was just a friendly question asked in an effort to make small talk. I felt like snapping back, "Actually, I don't really care how your ride was, but I'm trying to be nice to you, you weirdo!" Instead, I just shrugged, said, "Well, of course I don't need to know, sorry if you felt I was prying," and went on my way. I just don't ask how her rides are anymore. Sometimes she asks me how mine are, which I always think is funny now. But I don't really mind.

    Things are fine between the two of us. No idea what was going on there. But, yeah, don't always assume someone is asking something out of malice. Sometimes they really are just trying to be friendly. I know I was.

    Comment


    • #42
      if SAHM gets told by op that she is busy and yes does know that she has a nice horse and gets an eye roll by SAHM and a response of "no you can't really be that busy" then well yes, op can tell her to STFU

      b/c SAHM is being rude by bringing this up time and again, op has tried to be tactful and has basically been told that she is a sucky owner, how nice of SAHM regardless of how hard a job that is and if her husband is or is not rich

      op, you have tried to be nice and have been ignored, go ahead and up it some and tell her to back off as you are busy with your horse

      Comment


      • #43
        I would tell her that its your horse, and you dont want to ride all the time! At our barn the horses must get ridden 5x per week, regardless if you are there to ride or not, maybe she came from somewhere like this. But regardless,tell her that its your horse and your decision. If you just want her to be a pleasure horse, or dont have any immediate goals,there's nothing wrong with that at all!!

        Comment


        • #44
          Said in a polite, even, and reasonable tone. "You've asked about my riding schedule a lot, and I've explained to you several times that I have a very demanding job that limits my time. I really enjoy spending time with my wonderful horse and while I appreciate your concern about her, I would also appreciate if you could please stop bringing this subject up. Thank you."

          I've also found the "I'm curious why you're asking" to be a great way of solving the problem, but it sounds like you've gone through this several times. I don't like having to repeat myself and I don't feel that a variant on "my answer is not going to change" would be out of line here.
          "I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep." - Harry Dresden

          Amy's Stuff - Rustic chic and country linens and decor
          Support my mom! She's gotta finance her retirement horse somehow.

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          • #45
            Last year, I used to get the same question by my trainer and some of the other riders in our barn. And, like you, at the time I had a very busy life with little time to sleep, let alone ride. I would try and explain how busy I was, that I had to catch a plane in the am, or work until the wee hours, and everyone would nod and roll their eyes, then make the same comment a couple of days later. In the end, I just stopped answering with details and said, "Yeah, I'm tired," and left it at that. They stopped asking because I didn't give them anything to think about and, when I was able to ride more, there were no hurt feelings.

            Just my experience ...

            Comment


            • #46
              Originally posted by danceronice View Post
              Um...way to sound rather like the person she's complaining about. "Lack of ambition?" It's a horse. She owns a horse because owning a horse in some way makes her happy. There's nothing noble about killing yourself by riding in the middle of the night or at four am because someone somewhere might think you're not 'maximizing your horse's potential' or something.
              I don't know how you read a criticism of the OP into my supportive post. I was saying there are plenty of us out here who just want to enjoy being with our horses. I'm also not knocking the riders with the drive to ride and train at the end of a long day, or whenever they can squeeze it in. Each to his own.

              OP, I can't help but wonder if the reliance on test scores in your state to evaluate and retain teachers is part of what makes your job so stressful. And to anyone out there who thinks teaching is a lucrative part-time job, I invite you to spend a week dealing with the needs of so many children. It's exhausting!
              Last edited by Bristol Bay; Feb. 17, 2013, 11:03 PM. Reason: Stoopid iPad autocorrect
              A helmet saved my life.

              2017 goal: learn to ride like TheHorseProblem, er, a barn rat!

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              • #47
                Maybe she is hitting a nerve, as you are aware of your horse's show potential but do not have time to pursue it right now. A friend pointed out to me once, tho, that horse's have no ambition to be famous. They are happy being horses. So enjoy, and let the others eat their harts out!

                Comment


                • #48
                  hearts

                  Comment

                  • Original Poster

                    #49
                    Originally posted by mvp View Post
                    If I were the border (sic), I'd rather the OP not have anything to vent about.

                    Look, if the OP is having a hard day vent about that. If the boarder did something annoying, vent about that in proportion to the offense. If the OP has a problem with the boarder's life circumstances, that's out of bounds..... for the same reason that the OP would like the boarder to respect her privacy.

                    IME, the best thing that can happen after a rather public vent is someone--- ideally the vendor-- untangling the various problems and fixing them or accepting them individually. A pile-on of complaints rarely makes anyone feel better. Ask me how I know....

                    Obviously this is being taken out of context like most things on COTH. I am not complaining about what life has dealt her and what her life situation is.

                    I understand that being a stay at home mom can be just as hard as working a full time job. and she reminds me of that. everyday. When I tell her I am busy she tells me everything she has to do everyday as a stay at home mom then reminds me that she still makes time for her horses, and therefore I have no excuse for not being out as often as she is.


                    And no, I do not think she is looking for rides on my horse, she has four...though whenever we do ride together she gives me unsolicited riding lessons so that I can ride my horse properly.

                    and she tells everyone that their horses are lame.

                    Listing all those complaints did make me feel better

                    Comment


                    • #50
                      Originally posted by LovinLatte81 View Post
                      I understand that being a stay at home mom can be just as hard as working a full time job. and she reminds me of that. everyday. When I tell her I am busy she tells me everything she has to do everyday as a stay at home mom then reminds me that she still makes time for her horses, and therefore I have no excuse for not being out as often as she is.

                      Does she really say the "Therefore..." part out loud? That's an unsolicited criticism. You don't need to take that, OP. If you think she's implying that, OP, then you are partly causing your own pain by taking her opinion to heart at all.

                      IME, having a wonderful horse is the best cure for all the nay-sayers. Nothing feels better than that great ride and great relationship with your horse. Have pity on the folks who don't have that or for whom that's not enough.

                      Truly, concentrate on that great one thing you have in your nice horse.
                      The armchair saddler
                      Politically Pro-Cat

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                      • #51
                        Originally posted by Arcadien View Post

                        In her defense while I was a pampered college student, I used to agonize over the lovely horses at the barn who weren't in full work. I couldn't afford to bring my horse to college & couldn't understand how someone could have such a lovely horse and not ride every day. I thought they must be lazy & didn't deserve to own a horse.

                        Fast forward decades into the reality of adulthood - ha! I fully understand now! I have a gorgeous 7 yo TB mare who has done very little so far as I've been swamped with work & extremely tight budget. I've had to endure digs about what a "sin" it is for such a nice horse to be hanging out in a field doing nothing. I grin & change the topic.
                        TOTALLY get this!!! we have a few boarders now and I totally understand why they aren't at the barn more often....life is BUSY as a full-time working adult!!!!!

                        This lady obviously does not understand how busy you are, and that it's totally okay to NOT have major ambitions for your horse...just to enjoy your horse. I have a mare that has enormous potential...I hardly have time to ride her, but I can't bring myself to sell her, and she loves me.
                        Teaching Horseback Riding Lessons: A Practical Training Manual for Instructors

                        Stop Wasting Hay and Extend Consumption Time With Round Bale Hay Nets!!

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                        • #52
                          Originally posted by LovinLatte81 View Post
                          Obviously this is being taken out of context like most things on COTH. I am not complaining about what life has dealt her and what her life situation is.

                          I understand that being a stay at home mom can be just as hard as working a full time job. and she reminds me of that. everyday. When I tell her I am busy she tells me everything she has to do everyday as a stay at home mom then reminds me that she still makes time for her horses, and therefore I have no excuse for not being out as often as she is.


                          And no, I do not think she is looking for rides on my horse, she has four...though whenever we do ride together she gives me unsolicited riding lessons so that I can ride my horse properly.

                          and she tells everyone that their horses are lame.

                          Listing all those complaints did make me feel better
                          Wow. In that case then feel free to tell her to mind her own business. That's just rude.

                          I gather from your post that you must be a special education teacher? I am in my fifth year of teaching high school math, regular ed (but supposedly we do "inclusion"). It sounds like you are doing more than you should be- 8 lesson plans a day plus helping regular ed teachers and doing after school help? There's something wrong with this picture. Make sure you aware of your contractual obligations and what is/is not required. Regular ed teachers should not be telling you that your kids suck. They are in special ed for a reason not just for fun.

                          It was pretty rough the first couple years- I feel like I must've reinvented the wheel every semester for a couple years. I don't remember the exact statistic but the number of new teachers that leave the profession in the first 5 years is staggering. You don't want to be part of that statistic- make sure you are limiting yourself so you don't burn-out. Personally, I found that I could not do school work on weekdays after I went home. I would do some after school at school, and I would and still do work at home on weekends, but when I get home during the week- that's my time. I found if I did schoolwork at home during the week I felt like all I did was schoolwork and became resentful of my job and my kids. It's perfectly ok to need and take YOU time.

                          Not like I'm an old hand at this- I'm only year five- but it does get better. My SIL teaches high school science and at the first district she was at took a lot of heat from other teachers- where are you in the curriculum, why aren't you scoring better, etc. etc. She wasn't rehired after that year, which is ridiculous in my opinion because she's a lovely woman, works very hard and relates well with the kids. She got another job at a different district, has been super happy there- all the other teachers are very supportive, and she's in year 3 there. So situations do vary as well...

                          Comment


                          • #53
                            First truth first. It sounds like this has been going on for far too long. Tell her that while you appreciate the fact she likes your horse, you have a job that pays for the roof over your horse's head, so the job is priority. I would be honest that her comments do not sit well with you and that you would prefer to talk about something else. If that doesn't work, I would then go the ipod route.

                            Comment


                            • #54
                              Originally posted by LovinLatte81 View Post
                              yeah...we are at a backyard boarder barn in the middle of nowhere...6 boarders, no lessons, no trainer, but a really nice indoor!

                              I have spent many years working at show barns and thinking, darn, I feel like that horse should be getting used...but I would never say that to anyone because we all have our own lives and no one knows what is really happening with anyone when they leave the barn.

                              She knows that I do not have any real goals for my horse in the winter. I just want to be able to get on her a few times a week, maybe pop around some little jumps and enjoy her company. I think that is totally reasonable for the type of environment I am in!
                              Horses don't have goals. They are quite content hanging out and munching hay 24/7 if they have that option. The idea that their potential needs to be maximized constantly is a human projection--and a pretty darn obsessive one.

                              I would tell this woman:

                              "Pardon me, but would you mind leaving me alone with my horse? I'm not in the mood for talk, I'd really rather concentrate on what I'm doing."

                              If that doesn't do the trick, especially if used more than once, the next step is:

                              "I'm sorry, that really doesn't concern you. Now excuse me, please!"

                              The next step is to have a chat about her with the BO.

                              Sorry you have to deal with this!

                              Comment


                              • #55
                                I teach 3 grade levels and write 8 completely different lesson plans a day, while also catering to the classroom teachers modifying work for my kiddos, writing IEPs (I had to do 7 in Jan) and attending a gazillon meetings and trainings for these stupid modules. I also do after school help 3 days a week because the classroom teachers are constantly telling me how stupid my kids are and how I need to help them more. Life sucks right now.
                                This sounds pretty whiny to me.......catering to the classroom teachers? Isnt modifying work for the regular ed teachers part of your job description? Are the reg ed teachers really telling you the kids are stupid?
                                Save a life...be an organ donor! Visit www.Transplantbuddies.org

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                                • #56
                                  OP, with the new detail you have provided, I recommend disengaging from this person to the extent possible. Just say hello in a friendly way, but if she starts getting on your case, etc., just distance yourself and respond as little as possible. I do still think just saying you are tired and don't want to talk is a good method.

                                  I did have one woman at one point who told me (and others) that my horse "needs to be sold" because I fell off once this year. Mind you, I have had this horse for over four years, since he was a three year old, and I have come off of him twice (both times related to freshness...and I could have anticipated the falls if I had been listening to my gut instead of telling myself to man up).

                                  She is the type that generally makes snotty comments like that about a lot of people - to their faces and behind their backs. When she told me my horse "needs to be sold" and that she "wouldn't pay to feed him," I simply said "that's not going to happen." I walked away, and now I politely say hello to her when I see her but do not invite any further conversation. That is how I will deal with her from here on out. I will simply not engage. If she brings it up again, I will tell her it's a good thing she doesn't own him and therefore does not need to trouble herself with those decisions.

                                  OP - that's what it sounds like you need to do here. Just disengage. I'm much happier that way. I don't have time or the inclination to worry about what this one person whose opinion isn't even valuable to me thinks.

                                  And just a general point - I hate it when people talk about their stressful lives at the barn. Yuck. My life is incredibly stressful, but I don't talk about it much at the barn. I might mention I had a rough day, or whatever, but I try really hard not to go on a ranty, negative vent about it to others at the barn. That just brings a lot of "yuck" into a place that should be positive.

                                  This past Christmas, there was a stay at home mom that was complaining to me that she couldn't bring herself to ride at night when it was dark because she was exhausted from Christmas shopping all day. I had to fight the urge to point out that I go to work all day, sometimes for 12+ hours per day, then come ride my horse at night, and then generally do all of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve in a panic because that's simply the only time I have. Instead of being a jerk about it, I just said, "Yeah, it's tough to get motivated to ride when it's dark out." She has her life; I have mine. They are very different. I don't doubt she has stresses I don't know about, and I know she does not understand my life either. That's okay. She's a nice person. She was just trying to make conversation.

                                  Anyway...just disengage and be nice when you can, OP. Life's too short, and time at the barn is even shorter...live your life, don't worry about others, and do your thing.

                                  Comment


                                  • #57
                                    Originally posted by Silk View Post
                                    This sounds pretty whiny to me.......catering to the classroom teachers? Isnt modifying work for the regular ed teachers part of your job description? Are the reg ed teachers really telling you the kids are stupid?

                                    Thank you. As the mother of a child who benefits from Special Ed in our local public school system, this rubbed me the wrong way from the beginning. I'd be mortified if I learned that the OP is my child's resource teacher!
                                    "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                                    http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

                                    Comment

                                    • Original Poster

                                      #58
                                      Originally posted by Silk View Post
                                      This sounds pretty whiny to me.......catering to the classroom teachers? Isnt modifying work for the regular ed teachers part of your job description? Are the reg ed teachers really telling you the kids are stupid?
                                      Whether or not something is a part of the job description is directly related to what each individual student's IEP says. The only time that it is definitely my responsibility is if it says "special education teacher." Which none of my kids have. They all say "student's educational team," which means that the classroom teachers can modify their own work.

                                      The way my district has my consultant teaching organized is through indirect CT, meaning I am never in the classroom with my students, because I do not have the time in my schedule (even with having 3 classes overlapping). I am a second year teacher and I do not know the curriculum (first year working with this grade), and when I asked them for their curriculum map they said "well, we have one somewhere, but we don't use it anymore so not worth getting it for you" So, not being in the room and not knowing the curriculum I am expected (by them) to modify everything, then they get mad if it is not exactly the way they want it, when they want it. Sometimes they give me things to modify and want it the next day.

                                      And yes, I get told my students are stupid and do not belong in their rooms everyday. It breaks my heart because I think I have some awesome kids....they just need their teachers to stop lecturing at them and start using visuals/hands on things so that they can learn.

                                      wow...I didn't mean to vent that much, but I did just feel *slightly* attacked there

                                      and JackieBlue, you would be lucky to have me as your childs resource room teacher because I would be at school, every day, busting my a** to get them what they deserve that their classroom teachers refuse to do.

                                      Do you want your kids gen ed teacher yelling because they feel they shouldn't have to follow your kid's IEPs and your kid doesn't belong in their classroom because they can't learn the way they want to teach?

                                      Comment


                                      • #59
                                        Or just completely lose your mind and go crazy on her. Usually only needs to be just one episode of screaming at someone for them to STFU.
                                        Adversity is the stone on which I sharpen my blade.

                                        Comment


                                        • #60
                                          Originally posted by LovinLatte81 View Post
                                          and JackieBlue, you would be lucky to have me as your childs resource room teacher because I would be at school, every day, busting my a** to get them what they deserve that their classroom teachers refuse to do.

                                          Do you want your kids gen ed teacher yelling because they feel they shouldn't have to follow your kid's IEPs and your kid doesn't belong in their classroom because they can't learn the way they want to teach?
                                          I LOVE my DD's teachers. All of them. And they're crazy about her. I'm sorry you feel so disillusioned with your position and your coworkers. It makes everything less fun, doesn't it.
                                          "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                                          http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

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