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*UGH* Why can't people just mind their own business?!

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  • #21
    Give her the benefit of the doubt. If she's never worked, been at home with kids most of the time, she may be a very nice person but just hasn't had exposure to the realities of the pressure working full time and having a life in addition to that create.

    I agree with the suggestions to not say anything mean, but find ways to lessen the annoyance during your precious barn time. Ear plugs, music etc.

    In her defense while I was a pampered college student, I used to agonize over the lovely horses at the barn who weren't in full work. I couldn't afford to bring my horse to college & couldn't understand how someone could have such a lovely horse and not ride every day. I thought they must be lazy & didn't deserve to own a horse.

    Fast forward decades into the reality of adulthood - ha! I fully understand now! I have a gorgeous 7 yo TB mare who has done very little so far as I've been swamped with work & extremely tight budget. I've had to endure digs about what a "sin" it is for such a nice horse to be hanging out in a field doing nothing. I grin & change the topic.

    Said mare is booked for 3 mos full training come April & we are aiming for BN eventing by fall - I finally have worked a window of time & money into my career to allow this! Come spring I'll have time to ride 5-6 days a week, at last. I fully expect the shocked faces & silenced critics when they see us galloping xc LOL.

    Again just smile & nod & do what you are doing. Don't get mean, as really, she probably just has no clue, and will someday - then she'll think back & realize, I shouldn't have said what I did to that lady. And you'll come off the classy one for taking the high road.

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    • #22
      Hey, Lovinlatte81, I have a perfect solution. I once worked with a very nosy woman. She constantly was prying into my life. I decided to turn her questions back on her by simply saying "Why do you ask?" Now she had to defend herself. For example, when the lady asks "Why don't you ride more?" Just politely reply, "Why do you ask?" or "Why is that?" I found a few sessions of her having to explain herself instead of me explaining what I was doing and why was all it took for her to mind her own business.
      I hope this works for you.
      That. Exactly. Thanks for the reminder, lpcutter - it's a brilliant strategy which can turn the most aggressive questioner right back on themselves. I've used that before, and had forgotten about it.

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      • #23
        Agree with the questions. I would say something like, "I'm very busy, why can't I just enjoy my own horse how I please?" She can read into it what she will!!

        Or, "Yeah, I would love to get down more often but my work just doesn't allow it, so I have to be happy with what I can do."

        And walk away.

        Otherwise, just don't engage her. She can't understand if she hasn't had to balance a lot of work and horses.
        Born under a rock and owned by beasts!

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        • #24
          First, congrats on finding the perfect horse. 30 min of quality time with such a horse does wonders for one's mental health. Glad you've got her in your life given current stresses. Teaching is an emotionally and physically draining profession.

          As for your barnmate? I second lpcutter's recommendation. Maybe (probably) she's fishing for a ride, maybe she's really trying to flatter you or just make conversation. Turn the tables, and make her talk. If she asks for the ride, you can decline and that will settle that. If its anything else, she'll eventually stop.

          Good luck
          pace, path, balance, impulsion and ??

          Don't panic! Ralph Leroy Hill

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          • #25
            OP, it's not the annoying boarder's fault that your life sucks right now. Please don't take it out on her.

            You can ask her to leave you alone without being rude.

            And by the way, her life circumstances are none of your business. None.

            Also, you have no idea what it's like to walk a mile in her shoes. Maybe her life as a "kept woman" isn't all that great.

            If she knew you were posting about her here, wouldn't you want her to politely tell you to butt out rather than coming back with a STFU?

            Sheesh! Treating people well or asking for what you want isn't rocket science, my adult friends.
            The armchair saddler
            Politically Pro-Cat

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            • #26
              First off OP, thank you for your dedication as a teacher. I am a parent and very gratefull to the teachers who are struggling in this economy to not shortchange the students.

              I also am not at the barn much because of my job, we just did more layoffs last week. I don't think anyone who does not work understands the work conditions that people are subjected to these days.

              I also have a nice OTTB that is coming along, he is in training. I also had a group of people who were telling me this and that about my horse, all so that I could worry. Turns out he had a sore back so I told the woman riding him to stop, hired the trainer who had asked me if she could ride him, made certain the tack fit him and he is doing very well. In fact, I watched him jump yesterday and he is just lovely, I have never had a young horse so calm and happy jumping.

              I guess my point is that you need to state directly, pointedly that this is your horse and that you are capable of making decisions on your own. My horse, my rules. I now hear about my guy through the trainer and other people have stopped the gossiping with me. We are all still friendly but no more stories about my horse.

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              • #27
                Originally posted by LovinLatte81 View Post
                I have an amazing horse. .... If all I want to do is brush my horse today, then you know what? All I am going to do is brush my horse.

                We had one of those amazing horses and to tell you the truth, it amazed people even more when we had to let her just stay in the pasture for periods of time...only to be brought in, cleaned up and thrown into show world again to win, then change tack to another discipline and win... only to bring her home and turn out again .... out trainer's wife kept telling us we were going to ruin a great horse LOL

                Your good horse will not forget its job while you are attending to other matters

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                • #28
                  Originally posted by mvp View Post
                  OP, it's not the annoying boarder's fault that your life sucks right now. Please don't take it out on her.

                  You can ask her to leave you alone without being rude.

                  And by the way, her life circumstances are none of your business. None.

                  Also, you have no idea what it's like to walk a mile in her shoes. Maybe her life as a "kept woman" isn't all that great.

                  If she knew you were posting about her here, wouldn't you want her to politely tell you to butt out rather than coming back with a STFU?

                  Sheesh! Treating people well or asking for what you want isn't rocket science, my adult friends.
                  If I were border, I'd rather OP posted on here than have everything taken out on me, in person. We often post online to vent about things we cant/shouldn't say in person.

                  OP - I'm in training to be a teacher & know just how hard you guys work, so thank you for doing what you do! I really like lpcutters idea. Respond to her with questions. Be very polite, then go on your way. Hey, if your school has a volunteer program maybe you could ask this woman (nicely) if she'd like to come and help. You never know. Stick your Ipod on, or don't, but if you have earphones in, even with no music playing, people will generally leave you alone.
                  "Choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides" - Garth Brooks
                  "With your permission, dear, I'll take my fences one at a time" - Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

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                  • #29
                    First off... being a SAHM is a job, and it is not easy. I wish I had her situation I guess? Horses are in my front yard and I haven't ridden in at least a month. I don't have an indoor and my DH works a lot of overtime and is out of town a lot. Sorry but I hate the perception that it is not work. My job was way easier.

                    I also used to work 50 hours a week on average until I had my children. I rode more but I had a very different schedule than you do, different shifts so I could ride in the AM etc. But I didn't always do that, it was very high stress and like I said long hours. A lot of the time I was exhausted. You pay the horses board, do whatever you do and don't want to do with her. She is being very rude.

                    I would just be very honest with her. "Listen, I have a lot of stuff going on at work right now. I am aware of how nice my horse is but she doesn't know her potential and is just as happy eating as she is working. I know you mean well but I already feel bad enough not getting out here and I don't need help feeling worse." If she is worth not saying STFU to about it, she will understand. If she doesn't get it then tell her to STFU (in nicer words, very slightly).

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                    • #30
                      I'm a retired teacher, so I know how incredibly hard you work. I also have been there - working too many hours, making time to raise two boys, and still trying to find time to ride my horse. I already was carrying around a lot of guilt about not doing any of it well enough. To then have someone add to that feeling would have been awful. You've gotten lots of good suggestions - I don't have anything to add - just hoping you can find a way to make what time you have peaceful and enjoyable.

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                      • #31
                        I commend you for your obvious dedication as a teacher. We should have more like you.

                        Sometimes I don't understand the comments about such a nice horse being wasted. Um, the horse is happy and healthy. So what if it is not on a schedule you, non owner, would like? And it also indicates that it would be okay for the horse to have a lesser schedule if it wasn't so nice. What's up with that?

                        OP, you do whatever it is you want. Grooming is therapeutic. And it most likely feels good to your horse. I'm sure your horse is not thinking, "damn, I sure would rather you make me jump over poles today."
                        “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
                        ¯ Oscar Wilde

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                        • #32
                          Originally posted by Bristol Bay View Post
                          There is a type of rider that will go out in dead of winter and train their horse at 10:00 at night if that's the only free time available. I am not that rider, and it sounds like you aren't either. There is nothing wrong with a lack of ambition.
                          Um...way to sound rather like the person she's complaining about. "Lack of ambition?" It's a horse. She owns a horse because owning a horse in some way makes her happy. There's nothing noble about killing yourself by riding in the middle of the night or at four am because someone somewhere might think you're not 'maximizing your horse's potential' or something. Owning a horse, even if you want to go to shows, is not a second job unless you're trying to make it one. No one should apologize for owing a horse and not doing something with it, if that's what makes the owner happy. The horse doesn't care either way. (Some prefer their owners be a little less ambitious.)

                          OP--it's YOUR HORSE. Do what makes you happy and I agree with lpcutter, "Why do you ask" puts her on the spot without being rude.
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                          • #33
                            Originally posted by mvp View Post
                            OP, it's not the annoying boarder's fault that your life sucks right now. Please don't take it out on her.

                            You can ask her to leave you alone without being rude.

                            And by the way, her life circumstances are none of your business. None.

                            Also, you have no idea what it's like to walk a mile in her shoes. Maybe her life as a "kept woman" isn't all that great.

                            If she knew you were posting about her here, wouldn't you want her to politely tell you to butt out rather than coming back with a STFU?

                            Sheesh! Treating people well or asking for what you want isn't rocket science, my adult friends.
                            It's as if mvp were reading my mind! WHY do we play these games? What you should tell someone, in any social circumstance, is what you want them to understand. That is communication. Anything else is a silly waste of time. If you want the other boarder to understand that you don't enjoy being questioned about your schedule and chastised for not riding daily, then guess what! THAT'S what you say. You've said you like her. Tell her that, too. "You know, Ms. Boarder, I really enjoy your company when I'm here, but when you comment on my availability and sparse riding schedule it just adds to my stress level. So, what are you and your horse up to this winter?" It's amazing how "well" others will behave when you stop playing games with them and shoot straight from the hip.
                            "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                            http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

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                            • #34
                              Originally posted by WW_Queen View Post
                              Maybe that's just her way of saying she likes your horse and is fishing to see if you're looking for a rider to help you out while you're busy (but she is obviously going about it the wrong way!)
                              This is exactly what I was thinking. Is she an accomplished rider? I wonder if she's trying to offer to help ride or work her for you but isn't sure how to bring it up.
                              Katie

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                              • #35
                                "I don't recall asking your opinion, and don't want to hear it either" would work nicely, and if she doesn't back off then STFU seems good to me. I totally hate people that are snoopy, and don't hesitate to tell everyone their opinion. You might also mention that if she ever touches your horse that it won't go well with her either. I bet she is not only snoopy, but wants to ride you horse too.
                                You can't fix stupid-Ron White

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                                • #36
                                  Originally posted by JanM View Post
                                  "I don't recall asking your opinion, and don't want to hear it either" would work nicely, and if she doesn't back off then STFU seems good to me. I totally hate people that are snoopy, and don't hesitate to tell everyone their opinion. You might also mention that if she ever touches your horse that it won't go well with her either. I bet she is not only snoopy, but wants to ride you horse too.

                                  Maybe it's just me, but if I overheard this type of reply, especially with the "don't TOUCH my horse" thrown in, the speaker would be instantly placed in my "crazy file". There's no need for adults to behave this way.
                                  "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                                  http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

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                                  • #37
                                    When I'm out at the barn after a long day of work, I really don't want to talk much to anyone. I have a difficult horse, and I need to focus on what needs to be done with him on any given day. Once I'm done riding, I'm usually more willing to talk to people, but not always.

                                    If someone is talking to me a lot and getting on my nerves, I will usually just say, "Hey, do you mind if we don't talk right now? I'm just completely fried." People generally understand and accept that. In turn, on weekends, I am much more willing to be social at the barn. People soon come to understand that my not wanting to talk at night at the barn is not personal, and that I'm simply "used up" by that time.

                                    I don't think there is any reason to be rude. And I think the fellow boarder is probably just trying to compliment your horse. She just doesn't go about it very well. A lot of people are really socially awkward and don't read "cues" from other people very well.

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                                    • #38
                                      I had (and still have!) a very nice jumper who hurt himself about 6 years ago. At the time I was a junior and my parents leased me a 2nd horse. Horse's injury meant me going to the barn 3x/day to hand walk and bandage/re-bandage the horse, in addition to riding my new one.
                                      One day a barn mom came up to my horse (while I was rebandaging) and pet my horse saying " Poor Horse, your mom never pays attention to you anymore! Don't worry I'll bring you some treats!"
                                      I didn't say anything except that I do still spend time with him, thank you very much. And I still felt awful.

                                      A week later, barn mom does the same thing (who's kid rides her horse 2x/week) and I say " HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? I'm here 21 times A WEEK! I come before swim practice in the mornings, right after school and then again after evening swim practice- and I only see YOU on Tuesdays and Thursdays! So don't tell me I neglect my horse because he's lame- I actually see him MORE now!"
                                      She Never bothered me again, and DANGIT it felt good to put her in her place.

                                      OP- sometimes you just gotta be blunt or people won't get it through their thick skulls!

                                      Comment


                                      • #39
                                        Originally posted by Event4Life View Post
                                        If I were border, I'd rather OP posted on here than have everything taken out on me, in person. We often post online to vent about things we cant/shouldn't say in person.
                                        If I were the border (sic), I'd rather the OP not have anything to vent about.

                                        Look, if the OP is having a hard day vent about that. If the boarder did something annoying, vent about that in proportion to the offense. If the OP has a problem with the boarder's life circumstances, that's out of bounds..... for the same reason that the OP would like the boarder to respect her privacy.

                                        IME, the best thing that can happen after a rather public vent is someone--- ideally the vendor-- untangling the various problems and fixing them or accepting them individually. A pile-on of complaints rarely makes anyone feel better. Ask me how I know....
                                        The armchair saddler
                                        Politically Pro-Cat

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                                        • #40
                                          Originally posted by JanM View Post
                                          "I don't recall asking your opinion, and don't want to hear it either" would work nicely, and if she doesn't back off then STFU seems good to me. I totally hate people that are snoopy, and don't hesitate to tell everyone their opinion. You might also mention that if she ever touches your horse that it won't go well with her either. I bet she is not only snoopy, but wants to ride you horse too.
                                          Yabbut one person's snooping is another one's well-meaning conversation opener.

                                          Assume no malice until you are absolutely sure you see it.

                                          The setting boundaries for people is Just Like setting them for horses. If you know you can get that job done, you don't have to make your first move so rough. Said yet another way, a sharp bit in a horse's mouth means you have all the ammunition you need to get what you want. You start with light hands.
                                          The armchair saddler
                                          Politically Pro-Cat

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