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Spinoff "notsonice-parents" -Why so easy to complain and hard to be nice?

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  • Spinoff "notsonice-parents" -Why so easy to complain and hard to be nice?

    Read the thread about the parent that someone thought was obnoxious because of comments like "will buy horse that jumps 3ft to child that can´t ride".

    Got to think about the fact that the horseyworld are very keen on putting people/horses down.

    For example, I have a very nice 8yo that is a 1,40 speedjumper with loads of placings and winnings. Always sound, extremely easy to handle and ride. Only "flaw" is that she´s 1,76, quite long and have long hindlegs, and therefore hard to collect. But, she´s almost always on the money and a DOLL! So - why a comment from aquaintance to friend like "she looks like a semi to ride" instead of "congrats to such a nice horse"? Why try hard to find the one thing "notsogood"?

    We also have a family in our ridingclub (here there are clubs not trainers that owns the facilities). They don´t have to work one day in their lives if they don´t want to. Dad buys very nice horses for his daughter (17yo). Most of the time younger that they have a bereiter that takes up in the classes before she takes over but sometimes they buy a 4 yo and the daughter rides it thru the youngsterclasses and up. She´s really talented and is in the Swedish Juniorteam (jumps 1,50 with placings), all her horses are very well trained. Reaction? "Oh thats because of the nice horses"...I always answer the ones that say so - "She´s really talented. Good on her that her dad can pay for a load of nice horses to get her to where she belongs!"

    WHY is it so hard to just be positive??

  • #2
    Because it is a competitive sport where folks place their sense of worth based on ribbons.

    Hence, just like your wealthy family in your club, there is a lot of jealousy aimed at those who appear they can better afford the sport.
    I don't always feel up to arguing with your ignorance

    Comment

    • Original Poster

      #3
      Originally posted by Monica67 View Post
      Because it is a competitive sport where folks place their sense of worth based on ribbons.
      Yeah, some do, but if that was the case, why complain on a horse thats almost always get the ribbons (are on the money)?

      Originally posted by Monica67 View Post
      Hence, just like your wealthy family in your club, there is a lot of jealousy aimed at those who appear they can better afford the sport.
      Sure, but I can give you loads of examples with not so rich people and there horses

      E.g. One named "such a cow" by others instead of "Nice that she found such a gentle horse! Exactly what she needs!"

      It´s like if people try really hard to find the negative...and I find that irritating..

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by LucyShow View Post
        Yeah, some do, but if that was the case, why complain on a horse thats almost always get the ribbons (are on the money)?
        Because it's not their horse!

        I'd rather people just be competitive openly than pretend to be nice. (Really, being chipper is emotionally exhausting. I'm supposed to always be upbeat at work--not to the Disney 'cast member' level, I'd have killed myself by now, but enough--and it's mentally exhausting to not just snap.) Why WOULD you really feel positively about your competition? The only time to feel good about them is when you beat them. The only time to feel sincerely nice is if they're in a completely different category and you know they'll never be your direct competition.

        And envy of people with money is encouraged to the point that at least here we have a whole generation of people who think it's not only okay to hate the rich but to base governmental and electoral decisions on screwing them out of their "undeserved' wealth because IT'S NOT FAIR some people have more than others (despite that just being the way the world works, no point in getting upset about it.) As far as horses go in a sport like hunter/jumper where you can, in fact, somewhat 'buy' your way to the top, it's easy for people to snipe about those with money. (Not so much in racing, where you might have to be rich to play at the top, but the horse you blew millions on might turn out to run like a cyldesdale with a broken leg--it's a little more obvious there that money only gets you so far. The same applies to show horses, just not as completely or publically, so it's easier to point fingers.)
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        • #5
          Not only can people not find the good in horses they don't own, they love to talk about the horrible condition, bad training, poor health, no muscling and general abusive home their horse came from before they got it. Which in most cases are gross exaggerations but people like to think they are BETTER. They can't talk about how wonderful a horses' ground manners are, or that the previous trainer spent a lot of time working on transitions and they're beautiful, or that a horse came to them in superb shape, etc. Oh no, every horse is a rescue...

          <headslap>

          Comment


          • #6
            Because they're either A: Jealous that so-and-so can afford a better horse than them, and that is the sole reason that so-and-so places better
            B: Have a genuine dislike for a person, super competitive, etc.
            or my favorite, C: Just a genuine mean person.
            No running out. No refusals.
            The only options are over, under, or through

            Comment


            • #7
              Unfortunately it's just a faucet of the sport [read: competition]. People strive to be the best. And it is only natural for them to complain when they aren't.

              Dang straight I think it sucks that some of my friends parents completely enable them to do things I will never be able to afford in the horsey world. But I never knock the quality of a horse or riders talent. Even if she gets to train with the top instructor and ride all the best horses - she still does the work, and she can still kick my butt in a class. And yea, I really think it sucks when those kind of people show absolutely no appreciation for what they have. But I prefer to not go around being upset, crabby, and complain constantly about it. I work hard, do my best with what I have, and am really freakin proud of it

              You learn to let it go in one ear and out the other, surround yourself with positive people, or just go crazy. Up to you. But I don't think the sport is going to be changing any time soon....

              Comment


              • #8
                Insecurity-

                It's alot easier to explain someone else's good fortune or abilities away as a product of their luck or something the complainer may not want anyway, than it is to admit to themselves that they may never be that good or have the eye to find something that talented or be able to ride it as well;

                "of course she wins, but only because Daddy buys her the best - I could be that good if someone bankrolled me, too"
                instead of admitting that they may not only be rich, but also have the talent the sniper may never have

                "that horse is a cow/rides like a freight train"
                instead of admitting that they don't have the eye to find such a gem or the talent to bring something to that level, so it's easier to decide and vocalize why they'd never want it in the first place.

                Much nastiness is from insecurity (which leads to jealousy); most truly secure people celebrate another's good fortune instead of trying to find the flaws.*


                *Not that I'm anywhere near that secure yet, but I try!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Don't slam me for this, but I also think its what you get in a sport that is dominated by women. Women gossip and act bitchy and catty. Its a huge generalization obviously, but when you put a bunch of girls or women together with nothing in common but horses you are going to get friction. You see it at barns, college equestrian teams, even amongst trainers.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rel6 View Post
                    Don't slam me for this, but I also think its what you get in a sport that is dominated by women. Women gossip and act bitchy and catty. Its a huge generalization obviously, but when you put a bunch of girls or women together with nothing in common but horses you are going to get friction. You see it at barns, college equestrian teams, even amongst trainers.
                    If people are going to slam you for this, they can slam me too, because I agree with you. Women are far more brutal to other women than men are to other men. And mothers comparing their precious baby to other people's "subpar" children -- OMG it gets completely insane.
                    Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of solitaire. It is a grand passion.... ~ Emerson

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by TarheelJD View Post
                      If people are going to slam you for this, they can slam me too, because I agree with you. Women are far more brutal to other women than men are to other men. And mothers comparing their precious baby to other people's "subpar" children -- OMG it gets completely insane.
                      I guess I'd be slammed too, then, as agree with both the above.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Interesting thread, not at all sure I have an answer. What I have seen is that when barn-mates are more of a team facing an adversity rather than feeling insecure or cliquish and picking at each other, then the barn is more fun. I'm thinking of Sinead Halpin's behind-the-scenes at Rolex video, for example--she and her colleagues were competing against one another, but had a very real feeling of team and mutual respect, knew the quirks of each others' horses, knew when a colleague was so under pressure as to not bother them, etc. At that level of course the job is hard enough and mutual respect is due, but why shouldn't that be the case at the barn on a daily basis, too?

                        It takes a lot more courage and leadership to rise above and refuse to indulge divisive, cliquish behavior, but each time such ideas are disarmed or avoided or passed over, they lose power. The first step is recognizing such behavior in ourselves and those around us for what it is, and then developing strategies to disarm and disengage it. With deliberate diligence, it is possible for the petty impressions to lose its grip on a situation (a barn, a classroom, a workplace).

                        It's what I expect my pre-teen riders and my own kid to do among themselves, so as sure as heck better work on it, myself, with my peers.
                        At all times, we are either training or untraining.
                        Flying Haflinger blog: http://flyinghaflinger.blogspot.com/ Flying Irish Draught blog: http://flyingirishredhead.blogspot.com/

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I don't know why people tend towards the negative, but there is certainly an aspect of truth in every comment that the OP mentioned... you admit that your mare is built down hill, so she might appear difficult to ride. The comment could be what we call a "backhanded compliment" in America. Basically saying that your mare looks like a semi to ride, they are also saying that you do a great job riding her since you win a lot.

                          The girl with the rich parents might be a super talented rider, but if her parents were poor probably would not be riding at that level... on the other hand she might really be an average rider that just has really nice horses... at some level the jumps get big enough that no money in the world can buy a nice enough horse to make up for a truely talentless rider. Those negative comments are probably just jelously talking.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I agree that it is insecurity and some parts jealousy on the part of the speaker. There is no reason not to say something nice as there is always something positive to say about most topics. If not, do as my mother always told me, if you can't say something nice it is best not to say anything at all.

                            I also think that people are a bit like lemmings and follow what their trainers say and do without much independant thought.

                            There is a local trainer who never has anything nice to say, both to people's faces and behind their backs. I have stood next to her at the rail and she will make a negative comment about everyone that canters by, even her own riders, their trip, their outfit, whatever. You get the picture. Watching and listening to her own riders and their families, who do the exact same thing almost makes me a bit ill.

                            It really is a shame, and it looks and sounds awful to those looking in from outside.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by MoonoverMississippi View Post
                              Insecurity
                              THIS
                              There's coffee in that nebula.

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                Originally posted by Rel6 View Post
                                Don't slam me for this, but I also think its what you get in a sport that is dominated by women. Women gossip and act bitchy and catty. Its a huge generalization obviously, but when you put a bunch of girls or women together with nothing in common but horses you are going to get friction. You see it at barns, college equestrian teams, even amongst trainers.
                                I agree. Obviously this is a gross generalization, but insecurity can result in women who act badly.

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  Gossip/catty is not exclusive to women. It's just that women have a tendency to make a MUCH bigger deal out of things and drag out little incidents and foot-in-mouth moments than men.

                                  Men deal with stuff a lot more openly, or at the very least with less fanfare.

                                  What kills me about the horse world is that if you say pretty well only NICE things, you get written off as "not serious" and "bad eye." It's as if finding negative things to say gives you credibility. In my world of low-level, mainly crap riding, I honesly shake my head at this. Sure, if you present me your unathletic POS horse and claim he's taking you to Grand Prix, I may be motivated to tell you you're full of crap...but when you proudly present me your new lesson and trail horse? I'm going to say something nice, and wish you all the very best with it.

                                  Online is different...in real life when above-described person says that this is their new HUNTER, I know the person well enough to know that what they mean is "this is the new horse I will continue to take in our 2'3" lessons on in my quest to become an adequate 2'6" rider." So I put my response into an appropriate context. Online, someone says "this is my new HUNTER" and they have a photo of a draft horse who appears lame...I assume they meant real, actual Hunter, and I will draw attention to the many reasons the horse is unsuitable. Probably most of them applicable to my own lesson/2'3" horse...who I refer to IRL as my "Jumper"...but never online. People who've seen me ride very clearly understand what I mean when I say "Jumper." It isn't the global definition.
                                  Lifestyle coordinator for Zora, Spooky, Wolfgang and Warrior

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    It's not JUST a woman thing, although that is an excellent point. I'm a negative person by nature (It's hereditary or something and I have to work not to be) and I'm often either jealous or critical of other people's horses, but I still say nice things in public because I know how much work and hope they put into them.

                                    Lately (thank Heaven) most of the local people I have privately thought ill of have really suprised me with the nice horses and good results they have. Could it be the conscious effort is helping my perspective?
                                    ::With age comes wisdom. Apparently "wisdom" weighs about 40 pounds.::

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      Sure, if you have a super rich girl, with her BNT, on her super fancy horse, she's going to do better than some average rider with the local trainer on an average horse, but just try all the harder. I draw the line when the super rich girl doesn't appreciate what she has/plays the part of stereotypical snob, and when the average rider denounces the skill of horse or trainer.
                                      You can get by with a fancy horse to a certain level, and fancy training can do wonders, but at some point, you really can't fake it. Of course, expierence helps too.
                                      No running out. No refusals.
                                      The only options are over, under, or through

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        Originally posted by danceronice View Post
                                        Why WOULD you really feel positively about your competition? The only time to feel good about them is when you beat them. The only time to feel sincerely nice is if they're in a completely different category and you know they'll never be your direct competition.
                                        Are you serious?

                                        I have no problem sincerely rooting for the competition.

                                        I hope my friends/trainers/other customers at my barn/people I know/etc have great rounds on their horses, either great in terms of winning a ribbon or great in terms of achieving a milestone. Regardless of whether they are in my class or not. If my horse is better on the day then great for me; if theirs is better on the day then great for them. The ribbon is secondary either way to the pursuit of excellence as a whole and the specific schooling agenda/goals for the individual horse on the particular day.

                                        And yes, if a competitor I don't know from Adam on a really nice horse asks me, "Wait, you there, help!, how many strides did you just do in that outside line again?" I'll tell them the real number and whether it rides forward or conservative and the next turn comes up quicker than you'd expect so look early.

                                        Hey, my horse is just as nice and just as prepared either way and I have nothing more or less to prove so it makes no difference to our day to exercise some good old fashioned sportsmanship.
                                        The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
                                        Jinxyhttp://tiny.cc/PIC798&http://tiny.cc/jinx364
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