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Jingles needed were for kcmel. She passed

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  • Did she ever talk about her personal life on here like family related things or was worried about the safety of doing equestrian things?

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    • We've had people stop posting due to changes in circumstance but even though I may not have sat and had coffee with everyone IRL I still miss them and their POV.

      When it's someone who has passed it's doubly hard, it's taken me a long time to process this, and Kim earlier in the year.

      Don't anyone discount your contributions, you may have made a comment that resonated and changed things for someone reading it for the better
      Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
      Incredible Invisible

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      • Originally posted by bradt99 View Post
        Did she ever talk about her personal life on here like family related things or was worried about the safety of doing equestrian things?
        Brad,

        Respectfully not really. This is a forum for people who compete in eventing. Generally we talk about our time in the pursuit of the sport and while the odd anecdote may have us mentioning a spouse, child or parent, it's typically still tied into a topic about the sport.

        As far as the safety issues and such, I don't know that she was the type to be worried since she was confident in her horses, trainers and her own knowledge. We all have touched on safety within various threads but again we worry aloud for the sport as a whole and we discuss things within it that may be worrisome for every rider or every horse. We discuss things that should be improved but in a more general sense.

        I am not 100% positive but I would say I have not see many threads where members said things about their own fears of riding. It's been more subtle than that. People discuss fence types they don't love. Course designers or events they dislike and so on.

        Fearing our own mortality is a part of every rider's life, but it's usually just that stray sock in the laundry room of life that you think one day you'll look at but not today. Riders by and large, especially lifetime riders, just kind of live with it.

        Emily
        "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries

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        • I'm now starting to be in the angry stage of the grief. I keep telling myself I guess eventing was more important to her than hurting her family like that.

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          • Originally posted by bradt99 View Post
            I'm now starting to be in the angry stage of the grief. I keep telling myself I guess eventing was more important to her than hurting her family like that.
            That's a common and OK feeling, but she loved her family and was just enjoying her hobby.

            Do you play sports? Ride a bike or a motorcycle? Rock climb? If your fun after work or school is something you really enjoy doing, even though there is some risk of injury, doing what you love to do for fun does not mean that your sport/hobby is more important than your family.

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            • Originally posted by bradt99 View Post
              I'm now starting to be in the angry stage of the grief. I keep telling myself I guess eventing was more important to her than hurting her family like that.
              Statistically she was probably more at risk driving to an event rather than riding at the event.

              Each and every one of us is born with an unknown expiry date, some choose to try and exist as long as possible. Others choose to live their lives to the full. As you can read here she was a person who was liked, who was knowledgeable and helpful. That is a pretty good epitaph.

              We all feel anger as part of grief, but I have learned to love enough to let loved ones live, not exist.
              "He's not even a good pathological liar." Mara

              "You're just a very desperate troll, and not even a good one. You're like middle-school troll at best. Like a goblin, not even a troll." et_fig

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              • Originally posted by skydy View Post

                That's a common and OK feeling, but she loved her family and was just enjoying her hobby.

                Do you play sports? Ride a bike or a motorcycle? Rock climb? If your fun after work or school is something you really enjoy doing, even though there is some risk of injury, doing what you love to do for fun does not mean that your sport/hobby is more important than your family.
                I will never play a sport where I could die and be on a ventilator.

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                • Originally posted by skydy View Post

                  That's a common and OK feeling, but she loved her family and was just enjoying her hobby.

                  Do you play sports? Ride a bike or a motorcycle? Rock climb? If your fun after work or school is something you really enjoy doing, even though there is some risk of injury, doing what you love to do for fun does not mean that your sport/hobby is more important than your family.
                  I love the way you responded, Skydy. Thank you. So much wisdom and kindness on these forums.

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                  • Originally posted by bradt99 View Post
                    I will never play a sport where I could die and be on a ventilator.
                    You could end up there driving a car, riding a bike or walking down a sidewalk.

                    My point: life isn't always safe. You can't enjoy life if you're just living trying to stay alive. You'll miss out on a lot of positives.

                    Em
                    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries

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                    • Originally posted by bradt99 View Post
                      I will never play a sport where I could die and be on a ventilator.
                      That is your decision. You have to understand that everyone has different interests and ideas of what is fun and fulfilling, outside of their work environment.
                      As much as we would like for our friends and family never to be injured or to die, we have to allow them to enjoy their hobbies. Of course, some hobbies and professions have more safety risks than others.

                      Having read many books about the U.S. space program and the astronauts, I noticed some resentment by their families over the risks they were taking. It's human nature, I think, to feel that way. However, it's not fair for us to "clip their wings" and not allow them to do what they enjoy because they might be hurt or in the worst case, die.

                      I have been injured by horses many times. I was doing something I really loved to do. Thankfully no one took that enjoyment away from me because I had been injured and could possibly die in an accident.

                      Your folks allowed you to get a drivers license, even though you could be killed in a car accident, yes? We just can't remove the risk of living. Take care bradt99, you'll make it through this. It just takes time.

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                      • Even when years go by, this is going to be a time I will never forget. This accident never should've happened to someone so young and kind. I just hope my uncle in law continues to be a part of his late wifes family. I really like him and he's the closest person I have to Melanie left.

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                        • Since she was a scientist and so smart, I always wanted her approval. I want to be like her.

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                          • Originally posted by bradt99 View Post
                            Even when years go by, this is going to be a time I will never forget. This accident never should've happened to someone so young and kind. I just hope my uncle in law continues to be a part of his late wifes family. I really like him and he's the closest person I have to Melanie left.
                            Of course you will never forget. None of us ever do forget the people that we have loved and admired. I have lost many people to accident and illness,but I am much older than you and so have experienced the pain more often.

                            It really doesn't become much easier to deal with the death of our loved ones but as we get older, people we know and love die, and we learn that we will have to accept that death is a natural part of life. It really hurts, but we can't avoid it.

                            Please tell your Uncle how you feel. He won't know unless you tell him. Find his address and write him a letter. Mail it through the post office or find his email address.

                            This is very important; you must remember that your Uncle has just lost his wife, whom he loved very much, and he must be hurting terribly.
                            He has been married to your Aunt, I would guess, for close to, or longer than you have been alive.

                            He is, no doubt, absolutely broken hearted even if he doesn't show it in public or appears to be "strong".

                            A letter or an email from you, telling him about the good memories you have of your Aunt may very well help him in his grief.

                            You must reach out to people when these things happen, if they are important to you.

                            It's funny how we expect that people can read our minds.They really can't, and your Uncle will have no idea how you feel or what you are thinking unless you tell him. You can tell him that you want to keep in touch, but you must make the effort.

                            One helpful solace for grief is to comfort others. A note to your Uncle, sharing with him the good memories you have of your Aunt, telling him that you are sorry for his loss, telling him of the good times that you remember with her, and even though you were very young at the time, you still remember it!
                            She had an influence in your life, it means a lot, and that is a nice thing to tell your Uncle.

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                            • bradt99 I would strongly encourage you to seek a grief counselor. it may help you process your feelings about Melanie's tragic death. Your local funeral home will likely be able to connect you with a bereavement specialist.

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                              • Originally posted by skydy View Post

                                That's a common and OK feeling, but she loved her family and was just enjoying her hobby.

                                Do you play sports? Ride a bike or a motorcycle? Rock climb? If your fun after work or school is something you really enjoy doing, even though there is some risk of injury, doing what you love to do for fun does not mean that your sport/hobby is more important than your family.
                                For us horse people, it's not about what's more important, it's about the gaping hole in your life not having them and riding and competing in what you love causes. This is what fills the pieces in our soul, without you feel incomplete and unsatisfied.

                                I was hit on my motorcycle in July this year. I had to have two cadaver tendons to replace two ligaments that were shredded in my knee. It's a nine month recovery process and with how the accident was (he T-boned my front tire) I'm lucky to still be alive and not have worse injuries. It was one of those things that you think will never happen to you. But it did, and not too long after I had the bike. It made me realize I don't want to get another one despite how much I miss it. The reason to that is I want to keep myself intact and alive to do what I love the most in life, horses. It's really hard to understand if you don't have the horse and eventing bug too. I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't know her but enjoyed her posts, she sounded like a wonderful person.

                                Edit sorry I thought it was going to quote you and encompass the quote you responded to as kind of a continuum.

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                                • Originally posted by bradt99 View Post
                                  I will never play a sport where I could die and be on a ventilator.
                                  Brad, unfortunately that can happen driving to the airport. Some folks live a more cautious life. My husband does. Some of us don't want to come to the end of our life and feel like we never did anything exciting because "what if something happens". To me that is truly sad.
                                  "Punch him in the wiener. Then leave." AffirmedHope

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                                  • Originally posted by bradt99 View Post
                                    I keep telling myself I guess eventing was more important to her than hurting her family like that.
                                    For me, I'm not sure there would be a "me" as I know myself now without horses. Whenever I consider the money, or the time, or the risk that I take on when I choose to involve myself with horses, I remember that a large part of who I am is because of them. If I take a few days off, or can't ride for some reason, my personality changes in my day-to-day life, and it's noticeable to those around me. I can accomplish less at work, I struggle more with my mental health, I am less engaged and caring with my loved ones and generally tense and unhappy. That doesn't go away even after years away from horses. I have friends and family members who are fighting significant personal battles with demons that I fight off on the back of a horse, and I can't imagine doing it any other way. I don't want to.

                                    While I am sure there are times my loved ones wish I did something safer, or spent more time at home, what they don't realize is that wouldn't give them more of the me they know now - I truly believe it would give them more, but of a totally different person. I don't like who I am without horses in my life. For me, the time and the money and the risk is worth it, and I would stand by that even if someone were reading this post on a similar thread for me one day. I would wish it went another way, but I make my choices thoughtfully and carefully and believe there is benefit to everyone in my life.

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                                    • I don't know if this link will work, but if not, you can go to the advanced search feature on the right side of the webpage and put in the user name kcmel. This will bring up all of her posts and you can see what she talked about and how she talked about her horse and the sport, etc. Maybe it might help a little bit?

                                      https://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/s...%7D&btnSubmit=
                                      Rhode Islands are red;
                                      North Hollands are blue.
                                      Sorry my thoroughbreds
                                      Stomped on your roo. Originally Posted by pAin't_Misbehavin' :

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                                      • bradt99 -- my mom died while scuba diving on a family trip a few years ago. I stumbled across a scuba diving forum where the newspaper articles about her death were dissected online by people who never knew her, didn't know the specifics of what had happened, and were trying to come to an understanding of it in order to learn from the incident and prevent future deaths. It is so, so hard to read these posts and see someone you love become a statistic or something to be understood, as if that death was acceptable at the time but isn't anymore. That's not the case, I promise, but I understand how it can feel that way. I totally get that and I know how hard that can be to grapple with.

                                        Those of us who ride or partake in "extreme" sports that have a higher risk ratio do so because, for us, the option not to do it would mean we feel less whole as a person. I have a a husband and son, a family who love me and I love them, and I still ride because my not riding would mean I would no longer be that person they love. It is a defining characteristic for me, of who I am as a person. It defines me as much as being a mother or daughter defines me. I tell you this to try to show you how your aunt may have felt about riding. Not that she chose it over her husband or you or your family or her research because there was no choice to be made--it was who she was. You can fill your time differently but with the knowledge that your experience in life would be less for not riding. Is that worth it? To be alive and fundamentally unhappy? To those of us truly passionate about it the answer has to be no. If it was yes then it would simply be a recreational hobby, not a way of life.

                                        This is an interesting and relevant article on accepting death and how people handle thinking about it that came out recently. Many of us don't see it as a conscious choice to risk death every day by getting on our horses. It is still safer than driving a car, after all and yet that is seen as a "given." We can't avoid death, in the end. None of us can. It's the greatest equalizer of humans. https://www.theguardian.com/science/...m-mortal-truth

                                        Please reach out and stay in touch with your uncle--even if it's just over e-mail or something. Family is important, especially in dealing with loss. I guarantee he will appreciate it.

                                        Please also think about finding a grief counselor to talk to. It can be so hard to accept that some things can't be predicted or understood or prevented, short of not getting out of bed that morning, and that somebody else's choice isn't yours or any one else's to make or understand. What you can do now is pick up the best parts of your aunt and keep putting them out into the world, that your knowing her made you a better person and gives you the motivation to contribute something meaningful to this world.

                                        We all wish you all the best, we really do.

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                                        • Originally posted by SonnysMom View Post
                                          A friend of mine was injured in a riding accident yesterday. She is in ICU with a head injury. The height of the jump was well within her and her horse's ability and below her normal competition height. Not exactly sure what happened.

                                          Any good thoughts, prayers and jingles would be appreciated

                                          when I originally posted this I didn't feel comfortable putting her name out there. However as a number of people now know COTH has lost one of own. kcmel passed away from her injuries on Friday. Melanie will be greatly missed by everyone who knew her. She was always kind, smiling and supportive.
                                          I wonder if she maybe took medication of some kind that made her drowsy before she got on the horse? Of course that wouldn't sound like my aunt.

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