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What happens when it all goes south?

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  • What happens when it all goes south?

    Ok, the thread about "lovingly letting your trainer go" got me thinking a little bit (ok a lot), about the boarding/training situation that I am in and afraid that is not going to end as graciously.

    I have been with my current trainer/barn owner for quite awhile (nearly 10 years) I have learned so much from her, and I'm very grateful for the care and guidance she has given me and my horses. However, things have become less than pleasant and they have been this way for awhile. She has started being extremely picky about little things, she has made comments that are less than flattering about other trainers, riders, etc. Every time I talk with her, she is asking me do to something more at the barn. She has started making snide comments about my job and my husband (even suggesting that I quit so I can ride more), and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have become afraid to go to the barn while she's there because I just never know what mood she will be in, and I'm afraid I'll get her bad one. I dread my lessons and the worse part is that I have a new horse, that I'm not being encouraged to ride (she wants me to ride the lesson horse instead) even though she is telling others around me that he is the perfect fit.

    I know I have to leave...after speaking with a trusted friend who knows the trainer also, she said that she has seen this pattern before with her, and that it's only going to get worse. I have seen it too, and had thoughts that the relationship I had with her was different somehow. How blind was I? Said trainer has lost several students since last year. I also do a lot of barn work for this woman, without much compensation, because I like being involved in my horses' care. Enough has definitely become enough.

    My plan is to give the barn owner 30 days notice. I have my name on the waiting list of another facility and I'm checking into yet another in my area, along with some private barns.
    I would like to try and keep the departure professional and amiable as possible, however, I know that she's going to take it personally and be hurt. How do you let someone down easily? I have only discussed the situation with a trusted friend.

    This is more of a vent than anything else. I have been on edge for two days because of some things that transpired over the weekend and I am really dreading the next conversation that I'm going to have with her.

  • #2
    I suggest that you say nothing to her until the stall for which you are waiting is yours. Then, move the horse and give your old trainer the 30 days notice, paying her for that empty stall that you have vacated for those 30 days. It is never good to leave a horse in such a situation after the barn owner knows what you are about. Sometimes, the barn owner is honorable, and sometimes they are not in regards your horse's care. I guess I have lived too long with horses and seen too many things in those years to ever trust to chance.

    Comment


    • #3
      THIS ! + don't tell anyone !!! Be careful !

      Originally posted by angel View Post
      I suggest that you say nothing to her until the stall for which you are waiting is yours. Then, move the horse and give your old trainer the 30 days notice, paying her for that empty stall that you have vacated for those 30 days. It is never good to leave a horse in such a situation after the barn owner knows what you are about. Sometimes, the barn owner is honorable, and sometimes they are not in regards your horse's care. I guess I have lived too long with horses and seen too many things in those years to ever trust to chance.
      This exactly and do not tell anyone you are leaving - be careful !
      Zu Zu Bailey " IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE ! "

      Comment


      • #4
        Ive had a trainer go sideways to this point and then some.

        You can be courteous and give thirty days. OR, you can do what many do when paying for a service, and helping out, and then gets shafted for their trouble.

        Pack up and leave. Say in response to her mean comments, "Im sorry YOU feel that way. Ill stop that problem for you and be outa here in a minute."
        ~~Member of the TB's Rule Clique ~~
        http://www.off-breed-dressage.blogspot.com/

        Comment


        • #5
          Does she have a history of treating horses badly once she's given notice? If not, I would give the notice. Sounds like some people have been burned by bad BO/BM's, but that's not been my experience, nor do I treat my boarders like that. Actually, I'm afraid I tend towards bending over backwards so the DON'T think I'm treating them badly because they are leaving.

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          • Original Poster

            #6
            Definitely ZuZu.

            I have been extremely careful about who knows and who doesn't. The barn owner that I am on the waiting list has taken in a couple of her past students/boarders, so I know that she wouldn't say anything, and she knows the sensitivity of the situation at hand.

            Thank you for the advice on the notice. I had thought about giving the notice ahead of time, only to be fair to the barn owner so that she could find someone else to do the feedings that I have been doing. However, I wouldn't be surprised if there is a letter in the barn tonight asking me to leave, as things went pretty badly Saturday, resulting in my losing my cool over several things and blowing up. Not mature on my end, I fully admit and I'm also embarrassed by it, however, my husband was happy that it happened, saying how I have needed to do it for months now.

            I feel like she's lost her mind. I keep trying to go back and analyze when everything started to sour, and I just can not. Sigh, I'm exhausted from it, and torn up that I'm not just losing a boarding situation but a friend as well.

            Comment

            • Original Poster

              #7
              Originally posted by NOMIOMI1 View Post
              Ive had a trainer go sideways to this point and then some.

              You can be courteous and give thirty days. OR, you can do what many do when paying for a service, and helping out, and then gets shafted for their trouble.

              Pack up and leave. Say in response to her mean comments, "Im sorry YOU feel that way. Ill stop that problem for you and be outa here in a minute."
              I have been using a little of this approach for awhile now. When she starts to say something crass or snarky, I have been retorting back with a nice comment in return, or a questioning comment so that she knows I'm not appreciating it.

              Leaving is happening. That I have decided, it's just the when and where at this point.

              Comment


              • #8
                Ditto..Having moved all over the country and boarded at many barns, I have to tell you that you can not trust anyone...Pay the extra month board at the facility "when you leave" for the new one.. May be a little expensive but I can only tell you it will be well worth it..So sad but so very true
                Last edited by blackhorse6; Mar. 22, 2010, 06:54 PM.

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                • #9
                  Jingles for you and your horse ~ just plan your exit and work your plan. Leave in good form but not endangering your horse - feed til you leave if you have to but I would pay the thirty days as you load up ~ cashier's check maybe to make it clean. Good Luck ! If she asks you to leave ~ do you have a place to go til the other barn has an opening?
                  Last edited by Zu Zu; Mar. 22, 2010, 06:03 PM. Reason: spelling
                  Zu Zu Bailey " IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE ! "

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by blackhorse6 View Post
                    Ditto..Having moved all over the country and boarding at many barns, I have to tell you that you can not trust anyone...Pay the extra month board at the facility "when you leave" for the new one.. May be a little expensive but I can only tell you it will be well worth it..So sad but so very true
                    Really very sad.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      It is sad, but sometimes you never know.

                      We left from the show and went to a different barn altogether.I didnt even bring him home again after the blow out. "SOME" of my stuff went missing by the day I went to pick it up...

                      Was glad my horse was outa there before it got to the point
                      ~~Member of the TB's Rule Clique ~~
                      http://www.off-breed-dressage.blogspot.com/

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        In 30 years of running big barns, I have had exactlly 3
                        boarders leave immediately. I just can't understand why
                        people are so distrustful of their farm owners - I am sure
                        no one has seen me not feed, turn out, or abuse a
                        horse in my care. In fact, most of my boarders that
                        leave have given me two months or more of notice.
                        www.settlementfarm.us

                        Comment

                        • Original Poster

                          #13
                          Thank you guys, and thank you for the jingles. This has been one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. I feel like I'm in the middle of a divorce.

                          Someone asked about having a place to move to in an emergency. That's what I have been working on today. I have the trailering lined out, just need to find a place that can take both horses immediately. If I have to drive aways that's fine and I'm willing to do it until something more suitable opens up. The main goal is to have the exit strategy.

                          I have been on edge for 2 days. I will be at the barn tonight, and I'm not sure what will be waiting for me. I have had no communication with her since Saturday, and I don't know if she's just waiting for me to cool off or if she's so royally P.O'd that she doesn't want to talk to me right now. Either way, my blow-up cleared the air and the ball is in her court now. I'm sure she has been bad-mouthing me to the other boarder and the barn worker.

                          I don't believe that she would ever do anything to the horses. She treats them all very well, and doesn't have a history of viciousness with them, just their owners. I think she would be happiest if she never had to communicate with another human being, and could just live her life with only the horses. I'm so weary from it all, and it has just drained me for the past two days. Hopefully, I can find someplace soon. I'm leaving here in just a minute to check out the board at the tack store. There are usually some boarding listings there. If I have to seperate the two horses, then that's not a big deal.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Because of what my horses/ ponies have experienced !

                            Originally posted by dotneko View Post
                            In 30 years of running big barns, I have had exactlly 3
                            boarders leave immediately. I just can't understand why
                            people are so distrustful of their farm owners - I am sure
                            no one has seen me not feed, turn out, or abuse a
                            horse in my care. In fact, most of my boarders that
                            leave have given me two months or more of notice.
                            I will simply never give notice again burned too many times~ I will pay the extra 30 days!
                            My horses have been boarded and trained at so-called BNT barns. I have given 30 day notice and I have had feet cut off and/or tails cut off so the horses can not be shown for a season or longer as well as tack swapped and exchanged for "trash" - I always paid on time and filled in feeding when needed ~ like when they left at 4am for a horse show or if their "hired help" did not show up...These people were professionals and friends and they completely changed and became dangerous. I saw it happen to other boarders first and thought it would not happen to me because I was responsible & dependable and a "friend" ~ that theory was proven wrong many times. The last time I left a barn ~ we arrived with trailer and tack inventory ~ which we waited to be handed over ~ paid up and said thank you.BTW (When we arrived we found only one other boarder/training horse left there ~ everyone else had had enough also.So I say when things go south ~ be careful and tell no one and plan your exit ~ be polite & paid up but do not trust anyone until your horses and tack are out ! IMHO
                            Last edited by Zu Zu; Mar. 22, 2010, 09:30 PM. Reason: clarification
                            Zu Zu Bailey " IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE ! "

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              It really surprises me at all of these people who advocate just up and leaving. I mean, yes, in THIS situation it could be a VERY uncomortable 30 days so might be worth it. But in all the years I ahve run boarding facilities and taught and trained I only ever had one person that told me they were leaving that coming weekend, all others were at least 30 days notice and stayed that time. I would NEVER treat the person or the horse badly or rudely. Althoguh the one person that gave me just a few days notice came totally unexpectedly and out of left field, I was very amicable to them right up to the end. Subsequently when she decided to sell her horse, she sent the horse to me to market and sell for her. Things will come back to you, good or bad!!
                              www.shawneeacres.net

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                ZuZu had an aweful experience when she left her former boarding facilities. I am actually appalled that a large boarding facility would do that to a horse (cut feet/tails etc) but "horse people" can't be trusted (I've been burned alot too) and it seems that when a boarder leaves, the barn owner just flips out.
                                I'm not saying ALL barn owners are like this. There are people like Shawneeacres that take great care of a horse even after the boarder says they are leaving. Too bad there aren't more people out there like Shawneeacres!
                                I was at a large boarding facility and I gave them my 2 week (per contract) notice. I did not leave early. I later found out that they shanked my young horse and he freaked out and was running loose on the property (next to a major road-55mph). Thank god nothing happened to him other than marks on his nose but I should have left that day. The small private barn that I gave notice to, I did pay my board but left early. She was not feeding my horses and cost me a lot in vet bills and extra hay/grain/fat supp in the long run.
                                I have not been in the horse industry long, just four years, so I am learning the ropes of how things work.
                                It's very sad to me how bad "horse people" treat each other.
                                I think you have to choose who your friends are, trust only the ones close to you and use your gut instinct when it comes to protecting your horses
                                Love your horse like it's the last time you'll see him

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  Oh, so sorry. I hope you find a stall at a great barn and can leave as soon as possible, for your own peace of mind.
                                  www.specialhorses.org
                                  a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    So sorry this has to happen to you. It's happened to me before as well.

                                    There are a lot of nutty people out there. And there are a lot of good barns out there. But you have to watch your own back. Start moving your stuff out now.

                                    Will keep you in my thoughts, keep us updated.
                                    First, say to yourself what you would be. Then do what you have to do. ~Epictectus

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      It's ALWAYS important to have the back-up plan in place in case your BO does not wish to have you stay for the 30 days after you give notice. I was in this situation not long ago. I gave 30 days and was told by the BO that if I had decided to go she would prefer that I go ahead and leave now. I must admit, it was a bit of a relief as I would not have been especially comfortable for the last month, but if I hadn't had a stall to move him to right then and there I would have been in a bind. (There was never any question that my horse would continue to receive great care, it was simply less emotionally stressful all around for the barn owner & myself.)
                                      Old age is no place for sissies.
                                      Bette Davis

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                                      • #20
                                        jingles....from someone who has been there and will be again...
                                        My blog:

                                        RAWR

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