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Married or relationship people - HOW DO YOU DO IT???

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  • Married or relationship people - HOW DO YOU DO IT???

    Ok, I am really struggling here and think I may be missing something. I am specifically posting in the dressage forum because I ride dressage and feel it is quite a time commitment - more so I would say than trail riding or recreational riding. So here is my situation:

    I have been married for 3 years (with the person for 9). I have 1 horse and 2 dogs. I have not been able to have children so my horse and dogs are like my children - meaning that I have probably transferred some maternal instinct to my care of them.

    I have a full-time job. I am really struggling to be a good wife, good rider and good pet owner.

    Here is my schedule:

    6:30 am - up and get ready for work. 12:00 - 1:00 go home - walk dogs - grab a quick bite to eat. Then back to work. 4:45 drive home, pick up dogs, change clothes and head to barn. 5:15 arrive at barn, ride and care for horse. 6:45 - 7:00 head for home. 7:30 - 8:00 get home, start dinner, do laundry, do dishes, hang out with hubby. 11:00 - 11:30 collapse. I also often have to race to the store to get groceries/household items.

    Now it probably doesn't help that left to my own devices I would be sleeping 9 hours. Yes, this is what my body seems to need. I always am a bit tired.

    I do chores and most shopping on weekends. I have taken to ordering everything online (including my makeup!) just to save time driving to the mall.

    I ride 6 days a week (unless my husband has plans for us then I will skip riding in favor of husband). I am very serious about my riding and my horse seems to need to be ridden that often.

    I would like to squeeze in some other excercise besides riding. But I just seem to be out of time!

    How you do (or don't) make it all work...
    Last edited by kelliope; Apr. 25, 2007, 02:32 PM.
    Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride,
    friendship without envy or beauty without vanity?
    Ode to the Horse. ~ Ronald Duncan

  • #2
    Marriage is a "team sport".

    What is your husband's schedule like?

    What does he do to help around the house?


    • #3
      Not married to a guy, but to my work.

      I think the different passions within your life should balance and refresh each other. I left relationships because I felt the energy flow and positive-ness were flowing only one one direction - from me, to them, and nothing back.

      Does your husband have a passion like horses? He doesn't need to share the doing - just the feeling. And, what does he do around the house?

      I joke and say, "I don't mind doing Ted's laundrey," but it's the truth. He doesn't demand I do it, I do it because I want to. But then, the time spent with him refreshes and rebalances me as well.

      And when I run on talking about some exciting result, he never EVER says,"Honey, can you shut up? That stuff bores me."
      a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues


      • #4
        your schedule sounds pretty similar to mine, what helps though is that my boyfriend works about 45 minutes from home so has a longer commute and he also goes to the gym after work so he usually ends up being home around 7:30 or 8 himself. i try to make the weekends as much about him as possible and ride from about 7 AM to 10 AM so that i can get home when he is "just waking up." does your husband have any hobbies or other interests so he's not sitting there watching the clock and waiting for you to get home? that would definitely make things harder.


        • #5
          I'm neither married nor in a relationship, but I don't think it's very fair for him to say that it's your job to do all of this stuff at home -you mentioned laundry, dinner, walking the dogs, and shopping. It takes 2 to make things work and I wonder how much he is doing to help with things around the house.
          Ideally I think these sort sof situations should work where the person with more free time offers to take on a few more responsibilities to keep the balance going.


          • #6
            He plays golf... I ride horses It works well for us!
            Humans don’t mind duress, in fact they thrive on it. What they mind is not feeling necessary. –Sebastian Junger


            • Original Poster

              My husband's schedule is usually that he wakes up about the time I am leaving for work and leaves at about 8:30 - 9:00. He is usually home around 6:30 now (used to be 7:00-7:30 before I got the horse). He is self-employed so he can be flexible when he wants.
              Last edited by kelliope; Apr. 25, 2007, 02:33 PM.
              Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride,
              friendship without envy or beauty without vanity?
              Ode to the Horse. ~ Ronald Duncan


              • #8
                I feel for you!

                On paper, I have it "easier" as I have no husband, but I do have a full time job, a dog and THREE horses. There is no way in this world I could keep up everything with the house, dog, work, myself and ride 6 days a week!

                It's just not feasible for me and there's no poor husband to worry about!

                There are always considerations and allowances that have to be made no matter what your lifestyle but riding 6 days a week with a husband and a full time job sounds like more than a full plate to me.
                "There is just as much horse sense as ever, but the horses have most of it"


                • #9
                  I confess I don't quite get catering to a SO, if that person isn't catering to you as well. So what if he is sitting there watching the clock, waiting for you to get home? that would be his choice. Are you his baby sitter?
                  And of course, my husband does come first, but he also respects my passion and the time I need to pursue it. On weekends, when we don't have any thing planned, I ride when I want to, not just when it is convenient for him.
                  So enough about SO, regarding time in general, I do get tired. I work full days, then go ride after work. to make my life easier, I ride both weekend days, and then just 2-3 days during the week. I think riding 6 days would be too exhausting for me. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if I had kids, thank God I don't.
                  I would not be married if my husband expected me to do laundry, grocery shop, clean, etc., by myself. that is just insane. We share everything. On the days we're both too tired, we just have a can of soup, or get some takeout. It's really quite nice having a compatible partner, I couldn't imagine having to live with someone's unfair expectations of me.


                  • Original Poster

                    Originally posted by Bogey2 View Post
                    He plays golf... I ride horses It works well for us!
                    I AM JEALOUS!!!!! I wish mine had a hobby that didn't involve me. When we met he had a houseboat (and still does). He used to jet ski and hang with his friends, but now doesn't want to go unless I go (which I do, but don't want to be up there from right after work on Fri. to late Sun. night - it is just too much work.)
                    Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride,
                    friendship without envy or beauty without vanity?
                    Ode to the Horse. ~ Ronald Duncan


                    • #11
                      It really doesn't matter who does what, and what doesn't get done. As long as you are both enjoying life. What messes it all up is when one half of the partnership starts complaining. Why do they feel they have to do that? It's usually the husbands of horsewomen. What is THEIR problem?
                      ... _. ._ .._. .._


                      • #12
                        Both of us work crazy hours. We're both out the door by 5:15 AM (we exchange plesantries at the coffee pot) I'm home at 6:15 PM and he's home at 6:30. We're both exhausted. I talk and talk about all the ponies, barn cats and the absurd price of April hay deliveries. He talks about his man job and his man life and his golf/video game skills. Then we laugh about our crazy life, sing songs about stupid things, are happy that we are two like people and fall asleep. I work limited hours on weekends, but still a 8 hour day. We're glad for the time that we have together, and are also glad that we are very independant people who don't need constant togetherness (good thing we don't!!)


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Bogey2 View Post
                          He plays golf... I ride horses It works well for us!
                          My husband rides motorcycles and works on cars and has a large group of friends. He loves it when I am busy with the horse, he gets to hang out with his friends.

                          My husband and are are also DINKs with dogs. Some chores are mine (shopping, vacuuming, bathroom cleaning) and some are his (the kitchen floor, the garage, mowing the lawn, all the mechanical work on the cars). We split the cooking, although on his night we end up eating frozen pizza or canned chili It has to be teamwork and you have to agree to your fair share. You also have to be happy that your SO is happy even if it's not always with you!
                          On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog


                          • #14
                            Kelliope, your schedule (and hubby!) sounds SO much like mine - except that I come home, make dinner, THEN go to the barn, and do the hanging out when I get back. I also don't have kids but always feel pressed for time... also have a horse that really needs to be ridden min. 5 times a week, 6 is better.
                            Sounds like you're a pretty darn good wife. The thing I've found with my hubby is that it's a bit hard for him to have to share my time and attention with a horse. To be fair, if I were not a rider, he probably WOULD have more of my time and attention - and I try to keep that perspective in mind and have a little empathy when resentment (on my or his side) rears its ugly head. Of course, I was in a "non-riding" period when we got married, so he did get gypped a bit! Sometimes it just takes a little over-the-top attention when I'm home to counteract the hours spent at the barn...
                            I do second the poster who says try to get him into a hobby! Mine is really into the video games, which helps distract him a little... That being said, I don't think it ever stops being a balancing act... the trick is finding the right balance.
                            "This thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down" - Mary Pickford


                            • #15
                              I know exactly how you feel. I work a fairly demanding job that requires some weekend work and my hours are little different. I work from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. and usually I work later than that. I try to ride in the mornings before work and try to only go to the barn 1 day on the weekend.

                              My husband gives me more help around the house than your husband but he sometimes resents the time I spend at the barn. I tend to feel guilty about that and I also feel guilty about the $$$ I spend sometimes. He is very supportive of my happiness...but I am pretty sure that he would prefer that I had a different hobby that was less time consuming and less expensive.

                              I don't know how people with children do it and we are trying to have one of those as well....I am terrified. I have changed my riding goals in the last few months as well. I wanted to ride at a much higher level than I am currently riding at and felt I was not successful rider because I was not achieving the level that I hoped. I have since realized that I do not have the time (will not sacrafice my husband/family time) and money (I refuse to spend our money excessively on MY hobby) to ride at the level that I hoped and now am enjoying my horse time much more because I am not putting pressure on myself to move up.


                              • #16
                                Oh! and on the dinner thing...

                                I am a very very poor cook but found a soution: I discovered those meal-prep places (like Let's Dish) and life is SO much better. They set out all the ingredeints for you and you just prep and freeze the meals. Pop them out, quick time to cook, and voila - looks like you're a star chef.

                                Spent two hours laughing with two other time-starved buddies from my barn as we prepared the dinners and came home with 16 meals all ready to go. I can't tell you how much easier it is!
                                Last edited by Roney; Apr. 18, 2007, 05:18 PM. Reason: Thought it might be nice if the words made sense...
                                "This thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down" - Mary Pickford


                                • #17
                                  Sorry, this is going to sound a bit blunt, but I've been there and only got my life back two years ago after twenty years of marriage before putting my foot down. I don't think "old fashioned" relationships/marriages, with the wife/girlfriend being the one expected to do all the menial stuff and always be there for the husband/boyfriend, work well for "horse women", and having put aside my horses partly for ten years and then fully for another ten [admittedly, to a large extent, because of an injury I got that kept me from riding, but also to minimise hubby's complaining], it certainly didn't work for me. I think relationships where the woman has her own passions/interests only really work when that's accepted rather than resented, and from experience I can say that giving up the horses to keep the hubby happy is no way to improve a relationship. So, I guess what I'd suggest you need here is a happy medium and making sure that hubby [unlike my ex] doesn't spend the coming years trying to make you feel like you failed just because you weren't willing to give up what you loved and make it all about him!
                                  EQUS BOUTIQUE
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                                  Home to that sexy black boy CORTÉS & his minions.


                                  • #18
                                    No, you are not a bad wife. You just have other directions in life, that does not mean that you don't love, or don't do for your husband and his needs. Is it that maybe he just is not as busy in schedule as you are?

                                    I noticed that in my relationship, which my daily schedule is almost identical to yours, that I am just a busy person and also noticed that he made his life fuller thanks to me. He has a bunch of hobbies and I think just "fills" his days with "something" just because he knows that my days are always full. Does that make sence? What does your hubby think about the horse? Does he have any activities that he does? Is he home alot more then you are? Or are you equal as to when you meet up at home? Do you take time to vacation with hubby? Do you share interests?

                                    You sound like a good wife that is trying to please him, the horse and the dogs but maybe not thinking about you as often as you should?

                                    The only thing I found odd about your post was you said the only time you don't ride is when you "skip riding as a favor to your husband" ... Being married, having a husband or wife should never be in "favor", should never be a chore to please. If it becomes that then maybe it is time to move on.

                                    My feelings are that if your married you keep it a two way street, once it becomes a one way that is when the marriage crumbles. Horses are my life too but my s/o is a person, yup a person. My horse is my love, my savior but he does come second to the people I love in my life.

                                    I think maybe something else may be bothering you? You seem to run down, maybe your husband is too! Talk to him and good, good luck!


                                    • #19
                                      You have posted about your husband before. I think your problems with your husband are deeper and more profound than schedule juggling.


                                      • #20
                                        Maybe get a physical, and at least have some lab tests done.

                                        I go to a naturopathic doctor these days. Much to my surprise, I am anemic and I am out of balance even though I have a healthy diet. Feeling run down is most likely related to some physical issues.

                                        If you feel strong and healthy, the mental/emotional stuff will be easier to sort through.
                                        Last edited by Oakstable; Apr. 18, 2007, 09:12 PM.