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Lost my Husband & interest in riding!!

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  • Lost my Husband & interest in riding!!

    I lost my husband to a motorcycle accident in April and my resulting greif has left me feeling less interested in my riding than at any other time in my life. I have always been so enthusiastic about my riding and I find riding to be a big stress reliever from life. This on the other hand is different I am sure I am going through a bit of depression. So has anyone ealse been through something similar? How did you deal with it and what did you try to counter it. How long did it last?
    One day you'll wake up and there wont be any more time to do what you've always wanted to do. Do it NOW!

  • #2
    First and foremost: My very deepest sympathies and condolences on your loss.

    Second...I haven't been through a spouse loss like that so cannot give advice from personal experience. But did want to say that the grieving process for such a loss will be different for everyone. And it's a process...there will be different stages coming at different times. You'll go through all sorts of changes...but please hang in there. What you feel now and what helps or doesn't help will change. Your riding may be on the back burner now, my bet is it will come back when the loss isn't still so new and fresh. You're going through a lot right now, I sincerely hope you can soon find some comfort and solace and joy in riiding again soon. Don't rush it, you and your horse will know when the time is right.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte

    Comment


    • #3
      I am so sorry for your loss. It is reasonable to be suffering depression or feeling a little lost after such a huge loss. A co-worker went through the unexpected loss of a spouse.

      You might want to go to grief counseling or a support group where there are people who have training and experience that can guide you during what has to be a mind numbing and difficult time. You could start by talking with your Dr. or a pastor if you have one. Aso spending a lot of time with friends if that helps you (it seemed to help him).

      April is not that long ago...

      Take care of yourself....

      Comment


      • #4
        My sympathies also. Ihave lost parents, but never a spouse. But I can tell you this.

        It will last as long as you allow it to.

        Do you have your own horse? If you do you have a responsibility to that animal to give him the care and attention he deserves. If you do not, find a person or animal that needs your help. Get out, get moving, get living.
        Some riders change their horse, they change their saddle, they change their teacher; they never change themselves.

        Remember the horse does all the work, we just sit there and look pretty.

        Comment


        • #5
          I am so sorry about your husband. Many hugs to you.
          My husband deployed to Iraq for a year about a year and a half ago. When he first left I went into a very deep depression (very unlike me) to the point where the only thing that got me out of bed was hungry dogs and horses. Other than that I just. did. not. care.
          I didn't ride except maybe a couple times a month, and then only because I felt like I had to, for about 6 months. I had a job too, so had to leave for that but that was it.
          I think I was just a) really missing him horribly, and contact coming out of there was nil, so from one day to the next he was just gone, which was horrible. I can only imagine what you are going through, at least I knew that my husband would (hopefully) be coming back in a year) and b) totally overwhelmed by everything at the farm, the house,my job everything. He did come back but has since deployed again.

          I finally started to bring my self out of it, just by making myself get up and do something around the farm or the house, even if it was only one thing for a few minutes.
          Eventually I snapped out of it and recovered. I just one day kicked myself in the ass and said, get over yourself and get on with it, because that's the kind of person I am. Not everyone is like that. That might not work for you.

          I don't think you can put a timetable on this. Everybody is different. You need your time to grieve your husband and your life together, and grieve him in your own way. If you don't give yourself that time, it might all come crashing down on you when you least expect it. April was really not that long ago at all. I wrote some checks in april that haven't even hit the bank yet, you know?

          This is a big wound and a big void in your life. You need to let it heal. You didn't say if there were kids or anything, but as long as your depression isn't at the expense of the care of your children or the basic care of your animals, it's ok for you to ride the wave.
          Be depressed, cry if you need to, yell and scream and kick the ground if you want. You are entitled and don't let anyone tell you you aren't. It's ok. When you are ready you will start going through his things and that's when you will begin to see the light again.
          If it makes you feel better to maybe call a grief hotline and talk to someone, then you should do that. If you want to go to a private grief counselor or psychiatrist, you should. If it helps you to just go sit with a glass of wine and watch your horses graze, or pet the cat, do it. The horses won't mind some time off. But who knows, once you tack up and get on you might feel lots better. I know, it's getting motivated to walk out to the barn.Getting there is half the battle. Horses are great listeners.

          Hang in there, and all of us on COTH are here for you if you need us.
          "Perhaps the final test of anybody's love of dogs is their willingness to permit them to make a camping ground of the bed" -Henry T. Merwin

          Comment


          • #6
            Oh, I am so sorry!
            When my father was dying, I wanted out of horses for a brief time. I was surprised how strong my feeling were. I did get over it, but the loss of a father who has had a long and good life is different than suddenly losing a husband.
            Just be good to your self. Maybe you can enjoy your horses in a different way for a while? I loved just going for quiet walks when I was undergoing chemo.
            Hugs.
            www.ncsporthorse.com

            Comment


            • #7
              My sincerest condolences, I can't imagine the loss you have experienced.

              I have not had something of that nature happen in my life, but I have some experience with depression. I had a severe brain injury approximately 2 years ago and for the next 6-8 months I was lost, had no motivation to do anything, and life lost all joy. For me I talked with a therapist and ultimately began taking a low dose anti-depressant. It has helped me greatly. I know many people feel there is a stigma attached to medication and depression, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Consider talking with your primary care physician and seeing if they refer you to someone or if they believe you would benefit from medication.

              God bless you, time will help heal your heart.

              Comment


              • #8
                My sincere condolences, ewells -- I have been there and it is a pain like no other. All the thoughts and feelings unspoken -- it's very hard on those who are left when a loved one dies so unexpectedly. My mare was my solace in those months after my husband died of a heart attack at the age of 47. When I lost that mare three years later, almost to the day, it was a grief I thought I could not bear. Life goes on and you have no choice but to get on with it and make the best of a seemingly hopeless situation. I have many horses now and I love them all, but none as deeply as I loved that mare who got me through the toughest days of my life. Hugs to you.
                ~Another proud member of the TrakehNERD clique ~

                Comment


                • #9
                  I'm sorry for your loss.

                  I've suffered some huge life changes. There have been times when I just couldn't ride and those periods lasted for months (2-4 months) sometimes. I had one trainer who said to me that she thought she'd "lost" me.

                  Riding is usually what helps me cope and not finding the strength or "urge" to get myself to the barn was difficult. I "knew" that it would help but I just couldn't do it. I also have a very long drive to my horse and had days where my sleeping had been so erratic and poor that I was afraid of even getting in my car. I let myself off the hook. I emailed my trainers a lot and kept up on the barn news and of course my horse.

                  I did find one friend who would come with me to the barn. She would call me and ask if I wanted to join her, she would email, she would go with me in my car, and eventually she "wore" me down to the point where I felt obligated to say yes.

                  This turned out to be a good thing.

                  During the last crisis I started going with her once a week wether I wanted to or not. I "pretended" that I had a commitment to her. I made it so that she was depending on me for a lift so I was less likely to back out. I think I only cancelled on her once. Eventually once a week turned into as many times as I could get there a week.

                  Once I got to the barn I put no pressure on myself.
                  If I had a lesson scheduled but was too brain dead or emotionally in a bad place we barely worked. Some times I just groomed my horse and other times I tacked him up and went out for a hack just the two of us - galloping fast enough that my eyes teared.

                  I noticed that I always felt BETTER every time I made it to the barn, even if that difference was minimal. One day I showed up and joined an advanced jumping lesson and popped over a difficult course of fences - I hadn't jumped so much as a cross rail in months. Sometimes I stood in my horse's stall and cried.

                  Periodically I felt that great after riding pleasure and it was enough to keep me coming back.

                  I still am just coming out of the latest catastrophic life change. I haven't mustered up the energy to show, but I'm riding regularly and the joy is back.

                  Everyone's grief time schedule is different, but I did find that I needed to push myself to get to the barn but once there I tried to "listen" to myself and do what I needed rather than what I thought I should.

                  Also, I event, so dressage is only part of what I do. There just aren't that many days that I have the focus I need to adequately practice or lesson in dressage. I'm lucky that hacking is part of the training/conditioning for event horses.

                  I hope you find your riding desire ... I believe it will come back.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I am so sorry for your loss. I've lost both my parents, but nothing like that. My best friend, however, lost her husband several years ago to a car accident. She was absolutely devastated, and lost all interest in her horses. We stepped in to help her care for them, and gradually she began to look up and see the world again. It helped that her mare foaled several months after the accident - that gave her a ray of hope to hang onto. Things just gradually started getting better, although she still does have some dark days.

                    I wish you all the strength you can muster in the days ahead. Lean on your friends - they need to help you as much as you need them. Medication can help, as well.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Oh dear, my heart goes out to you.
                      I am so sorry for your loss, and I can't imagine the range of emotions you have experienced already. I don't think it is uncommon at all for someone who has lost a spouse to lose interest in other things while navigating a new life, and experiencing grief.
                      Do not hesitate to participate in some kind of counseling: you are not alone.

                      There is no hurry to return to riding...maybe just some short horse visits when you feel inclined. When and if the time is right, you will know it. Meanwhile, you owe no explainations for not enjoying riding right now. Allow yourself the space and time you need to grieve. Horses are wonderful at soaking up tears and words you need to say to someone...and they don't care if we don;t ride them for a while. I know most of the COTHers here are sending hugs and lots of caring...I sure am.
                      What would you try if you knew you would not fail?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I am so sorry for your loss.

                        If this is something that you loved before it will come back to you.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I am also sorry for your loss. Everyone processes grief differently, so there is no one time frame. And the six "stages" of grief might not go in order, and you might not experience all of them. Grieving is a personal process and sometimes it's never over, and maybe never should be. It can come in waves. It can change forms. Keep in mind grief and depression are not quite the same. Sadness and loss of interest can be natural in your grieving process or can be symptoms of an underlying depression.

                          I would contact your local Hospice. Many offer grief support groups that could be hugely beneficial to you right now. Our non-profit, Medicine Horse Program, offers a program in collaboration with HospiceCare called "Healing With Horses." Never underestimate the therapeutic benefits of your horse!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I wanted to add my condolences as well. I can't imagine going through what you have. I did go though a major depression though for a few months a while back, and I can say, it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

                            But now, I am out of that tunnel and can see the light of day again. It is extrememly hard to see it when you are that depressed though.

                            Time keeps marching on, day turns to night, night turns to day. The sun rises and falls. You will get through this, and I am sure your husband would truly want you to be happy again, someday.

                            Take care, and love on your horses and cry into their necks if you have too.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

                              I would recommend you see a doctor and talk about different options for treating depression. The lack of interest in things that used to make you happy is one of the worst parts of depression. The strongest people tend to force themselves to keep moving for the absolute necessities, but extras, especially things they enjoyed fall away.

                              Things such as patterns of eating, sleeping and daily energy rhythms, can get very messed up, sometimes with people feeling exhausted and drained all day, then unable to sleep much of the night, which adds to the fatigue.

                              No matter what treatment you decide on, there is always a certain amount of just plain old forcing yourself to fight this thing. It doesn't have to be vigorous exercise - even things as simple as driving and walking can help.

                              You don't need to ride immediately, just drive to the barn, and brush your horse, or take him out for a few minutes of grazing. Pick one battle each day, one small battle, and fight it. Then you start just stringing those little victories together, one after the other.

                              Right now, riding may seem just inconceivable. But if your riding was something you enjoyed, your horse can become just another team member in your recovery; that's just what I did when I lost my parents.

                              Our horses, our riding, become such a part of us, that it becomes how we really do live, how we recover, how we cope, and how we express ourselves. Our horses are our friends, our confidants, and more than anything a part of our recovery and rebuilding our lives.

                              Being with horses is unique in daily activities because one must, to a certain extent, focus only on the moment. A horse, in many ways, is demanding that we live right now. Look out there, or I'll step on your foot, oh, I think i'll nip you now, or you better pay attention or this leg yield is going to wind up looking like a pretzel...in a way, they are saying to us, 'come on, wake up, live, you can do this'.

                              It is often the only moment in a day when a person can leave behind their grieving thoughts....sometimes people won't give themselves that because they feel they don't deserve to feel better. Beware of that kind of thought process! Grief and depression can really twist your thoughts. Counter such thoughts with, 'I don't have to prove I loved my partner, I know very well how much I love him'.

                              Recovery DOES take a team. The old saying was for others to 'get under and push up', and if you can recruit a friend to help you get moving, and push you along a little bit, it can help.

                              Pick a small step, and just do that, and just think about today. Then spend some time each day, with positive talk, 'Look, I did it. One small step for me, one great leap for getting out of this hole'.

                              I think it's important to fight negative thoughts with positive talk, Try to remember a time when your loved person pushed you to achieve something, and you succeeded in reaching that goal. What did he say to you?

                              Some people even picture their loved one looking down on them and scolding them to get up and get moving. A hospital admissions friend of mine used to 'have coffee' with his dad who had passed away. He'd take a cup of coffee and some time each day to reflect over his day and 'tell' his father about how he was feeling and how he was managing each day.

                              A sudden loss without any warning can be an incredible blow and affect a person in very profound ways. It's important to take every tool at hand and rebuild, and remember that your partner would want you to rebuild and live fully again. All the experiences we had and everything we learned from them, becomes a part of us that we can make live on, by our own recovery and rebuilding.
                              Last edited by slc2; Jul. 5, 2009, 07:02 AM.

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                I'm so sorry. Please accept my condolences. Re. depression I would think it is perfectly normal to be depressed when you've suffered such a loss. I luckily have no personal experience although my ex-partner died at 32 from an aortic rupture but that was a few years after we had split up. But I do have a good deal of experience with depression in my nearest surroundings and I can tell you it's 'normal' with depression to lose interest in just about anything. I strongly encourage you to look for professional help and/or to join a group of people who have gone through such an experience.
                                Also don't blame yourself for losing your interest in riding. It doesn't have to be something bad. Sometimes losing interest for a while opens up a world of new sight and perspectives. For instance I used to be an extremely ambitious show rider. Then I got very busy with vet school, business and children and lost quite a bit of interest in riding per se and showing in particular. Today I'm back in the saddle as often as I can but I've found it almost relieving to no longer care about winning at shows. I've found my riding and overall happiness has greatly gained from having a new perpective and focussing on training and teaching more than show success.
                                I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery. Don't blame yourself! Losing your partner must be a deeply traumatizing experience. You are more than entitled to taking time off of 'normal life'.
                                Froh zu sein bedarf es wenig...
                                http://www.germanhorseconnection.com
                                https://www.facebook.com/pages/Germa...m/237648984580

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  I experienced some major losses in one year and quit riding. A few years went by, and I decided to go out for a ride. Even though I rode in a hunt, I found I had lost confidence and couldn't imagine even cantering. I haven't been on a horse since.

                                  So based on that, I encourage you to keep riding even if you don't feel like it.

                                  Horses are a great comfort.
                                  www.oakhollowstable.blogspot.com

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    I am so sorry about your husband, a loss like that is huge. I lost my sister on 9/11 she was on the first plane to hit the WTC . I lost interest in my riding and also hit a huge depression. It took many months to get out of this dark hole. I sold one horse that I had just bought but then found I thought I needed a horse. I bought another and it ws not a good choice for me so I sold him too. Once again I thought the horses could help and I bought yet another one. Another wrong choice of a horse and he got me off so many times I then had a lot of fear to deal with.

                                    I found that through therapy and guidance and time you start to be able to cope and process your loss. A spouse is harder than a sister but with the media entering into it it was constantly put in my face the first few years. The hole in your heart never really fills in, you just learn to move on with it. If it is comfortable for you, let people reach out to you, they want to help. I found that now I try to help others going through this intense grief and loss and that helps me. Time does heal, this loss is still very new and intense for you. Seek help and allow yourself time to grieve.

                                    On the subject of horses I finally did get the right horse a Friesian and he is the bright spot in my life. I rode a musical freestyle as a tribute to my sister and that was a form of healing for me. I believe my horse was sent to me from my sister , he has brought me joy and I cherish that.

                                    Sending you healing light and hugs, I do know what you are feeling and you will be able to move through this in time.

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      condolences on your loss!! you have gotten lots of good advice...
                                      Take your time griefing!
                                      Linda Woltz
                                      www.walnut-farm.com
                                      standing Benidetto (Belissimo M/SPS COrdoba)

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        My condolences too. I can't even imagine, don't even want to imagine what you are going through.

                                        I lost a horse, and that depression was bad enough - a spouse, yikes. It is perfectly normal to grieve and be depressed and lose your drive to ride/work/do your normal activities - a few people have suggested seeing a doctor - and that is a very good suggestion. You might also seek out a support group, and/or some kind of counseling to help you get through a very rough time in your life.

                                        Yes, it is normal when depressed and grieving, to give up activities for months. The grieving process can take quite a while - but ultimately, you'll probably return to your horses.
                                        www.MysticOakRanch.com Friesian/Warmblood Crosses, the Ultimate Sporthorse
                                        Director, WTF Registry

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