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The Suzy Roast is in Session!

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  • The Suzy Roast is in Session!

    Here they are—photos taken from a show in 2010: The last time I was able to drag (literally) my husband to a show as he has since smartened up and knows not to eat or drink anything offered to him the day of a show as he ends up passed out and wakes up hours later at (OMG) a dressage show!!!

    Okay, pull out your wine and cheese or beer and chips and let the suzy roast begin. All comments, no matter how snarky (actually the snarkier the better) are welcome. As some of you have already figured out, I really suck, but I work really hard at it and am out there six days a week in all weather practicing. In fact, I’m the idiot who rides other people’s horses on days that they don’t want to come out because it’s below 20 or above 80. So, those of you who have been referring to me as an armchair quarterback, sorry to disappoint; I actually do ride. I even know port from starboard and how best to balance a glass of pinot noir in one hand and some pate de foie gras in the other while cantering backwards. So there.

    Here is a half-assed half pass. And, honestly, I don’t think anyone can do it as half assed as me. I’ve taken it to a level never before seen. But please—before you note the many faults—would you at least admire the pretty gray jacket and nice earrings.

    For those of you who would like to paint me as one of those godawful-rollkuristas who should be hanged and quartered, HA!!!! Here is proof that I ride my horse with his poll highest and uphill. As a friend commented after seeing this lovely photo, “Zettl used to always natter on about ride your horse ‘up in heaven.’ You are halfway there. Another few feet higher and you'll see harps and wings.” Little does she know that I actually already have the harp; just not the wings. Please note the big smile on my horse’s face. Honestly, how much happier can a dressage horse get! Oh, and for those of you about to jump on me because the whites of his eyes are showing…he was winking at my husband/photographer because, if nothing else, he knows which side the bread is buttered on.

    Trainer describing with her hands how much I suck, and me arguing that it’s a huge improvement over last year where she couldn’t even stretch her arms far enough to show me how bad I really was. And my horse looking smug since he isn't receiving even 1/10 of 1 percent of the blame.

    Thaaaaat’s all folks!

    Oops, editing to fix that second paragraph. I was referring to the fact that I work hard at my riding even though you can't tell. Sucking, otoh, comes naturally with no effort whatsoever. What a gift.
    Last edited by suzy; May. 7, 2013, 08:48 AM.

  • #2
    Lovely half pass, Suzy. You And I seem to share the mutant right arm thing.


    • #3
      So funny!!!!! I wanna play!!

      Where did you buy your harp? I'm looking for one myself. As you can see, I also have a smiling dressage horse who winks at photographers:


      The look on my face shows how calm I am in the face of adversity. You can't see any oh sh*t strap on my saddle because I had forgotten that they existed. There were "ooh and ahhh" moments here, but only because my barnmates were 100% sure that I was going to dismount and NOT go in that ring (first ever show). I didn't dismount, by the way.

      (I don't even know enough to give advice to anyone else yet )

      Funny post
      LarkspurCO: no horse's training is complete until it can calmly yet expressively perform GP in stadium filled w/chainsaw juggling zombies riding unicycles while flying monkeys w/bottle rockets...


      • Original Poster

        Excuse me little Miss Right Horse at Right Time, but this is MY roast. You can't just horn in on the action and upstage me with your riding up to heaven photo. Really--suuuuuch poor form. Were you raised by wolves or something!

        P.S. I'll email you tomorrow re: the harp.


        • #5
          But I'm a beginner! It's all about ME!!! Have you not read the COTH new member guidebook? Someone (sorry, can't name names for privacy reasons) emailed it to me .

          You will notice that in my desperate attempt to upstage you, I neglected to post MY half-pass photo. There is a good reason for that, and it CERTAINLY is NOT that I've never done one. Or know how to do one. Or know what it is.

          I wish I had something snarky and clever to add to your roast, but anything from me would be something like, "beautiful horse," or "your horse halts squarely even when he's not at x?"

          I'll wait for the harp email.
          LarkspurCO: no horse's training is complete until it can calmly yet expressively perform GP in stadium filled w/chainsaw juggling zombies riding unicycles while flying monkeys w/bottle rockets...


          • #6
            Originally posted by suzy View Post
            Here is a half-assed half pass. And, honestly, I don’t think anyone can do it as half assed as me.
            I think I just laughed so hard my Shiraz went up my nose. I would say you are normally a full a--- never mind. Don't want to annoy the mods and kill this thread before the others get to bring their flying monkeys to the party. Oh, and maybe flying monkeys shooting off bottle rockets will even come by!

            For all those who are unaware of the rules on this thread...there are no rules. It's like a cage match. Tangle with suzy at your own risk. She is the current holder of Aunt Esther's purse and the frying pan. I also believe she stole the sides to the mud wrestling ring slc and I would frequently use out here.

            Ah, the good old days.

            "And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling." - Capt Reynolds "Firefly"


            • #7
              You've got a ways to go before you can touch what I and my gallant steed are capable of producing:

              Or can you top our STRANGE MOOSE-LIKE PIROUETTES???

              Didn't think so.

              How about the amazing levitating Bucastan?

              As always, there's no point in anyone critiquing unless they're ready to pony up some pics.


              • #8
                Originally posted by right horse at the right time View Post
                But I'm a beginner! It's all about ME!!! Have you not read the COTH new member guidebook? Someone (sorry, can't name names for privacy reasons) emailed it to)
                I think you were mistakenly given the guidebook to the UDBB where derailing a thread to talk about yourself, your horse, and of course include lots and lots of pictures is encouraged


                • #9
                  First I must ask if I may critique. Even though I can't see the earrings, I have an opinion on them.

                  Now I want to discuss the philosophy and methods of riding up in heaven, but not really your actual attempt. Some horses are only physically built to approach vertical (in the other direction, upward.) Due to their conformation, some thick necked WBs have a much more difficult time throwing their heads all the way to vertical. A pencil necked horse with more hotblood, like the one I own, can actually bring her head past vertical with the nose in the air up to 20 degrees behind the ears. Any further than that would be caused by rukllor, a controversial pro-gravitational method used by more avante garde trainers. It is good that you are still training classically with the nose high.

                  I will try to find a better picture of my beautiful horse Star Sniffer, exhibiting a far more advanced effort.

                  You see, your horses are only approaching horizontal. Star Sniffer has not only achieved horizontal with her nose, but in the next stride will flip her nose all the way toward my face, like something in the Exorcist.

                  Last edited by narcisco; May. 7, 2013, 12:54 AM. Reason: How is it CNM announces she's going to show terrible pictures, then shows these great pictures? Something fishy there.


                  • #10
                    Your horse is too bay. Make it stop.


                    • #11
                      You asked 4 it - not!

                      I think I just laughed so hard my Shiraz went up my nose.
                      Now that is a familiar pose, Velvet. Finally things are getting back to normal around here, and here is a napkin
                      When suzy comes out of her self induced coma, we can pry the orb and sceptre (aka AE' purse and frying pan) from her aged DQ fingers and party on.

                      In your 3rd shot, suzy, it looks like you trainer is giving you advice about how to put more a$$ in your half or perhaps recounting a recent canoeing adventure? But I love the 'happy to be alive" shot best.

                      rhatrt, even though you demonstrate admirable flexion of the hocks, I'm not quite sure what movement you are executing here. And you never should ride your horse that deep or with that much flex through the poll. Really! we can't even tell what color his tongue is.

                      cnm161-I love the ear alignment in your pirouette and your "elevation" on the diagonal.

                      narcisco, please tell Star Sniffer to cease the cheap imitations of my horse's favorite yoga pose; camel.

                      My horse has an app that wirelessly auto installs on all cameras within a 250 m radius of her so that photos of her for which she doesn't receive royalties are encrypted, then destroyed, so my on-line pics are limited. If you stalk her facebook page though you can probably find some more compromising shots. Be sure to forward them the appropriate members for further posting and comments
                      In the mean time, here are some shots she has approved.


                      pass the baby artichokes in wasabi marinade.
                      See those flying monkeys? They work for me.


                      • #12
                        As long as everyone is upstaging Suzy and crashing her roast, here's my contribution:


                        And, by the way, a heavenly head without a gaping mouth is like cat without a shark costume.



                        • #13

                          Psst larkspur

                          U R doing it WRONG


                          • #14
                            That's a poll high that SH/DH would approve.


                            • Original Poster

                              Originally posted by Crockpot View Post
                              Psst larkspur

                              U R doing it WRONG
                              Crockpot, what gave you a clue?

                              Narcisco, regarding the earrings...that was an eye test. You failed.


                              • Original Poster

                                Oh Sweetie, I concur. You've got me beat. I'll have to hand over the wings AND the harp to you.


                                • #17
                                  Narcisco, I just love your face in this picture! It conjures up all those times I've thought to myself, 'what the hell is happening and how am I supposed to ride it??' I keep thinking that I want to write a humorous sort of anti-BHS manual for the real-life equestrian... you face here would grace the cover perfectly!

                                  ETA: oops... if this counts as critique I need to be punished for not including my own pics. Next round of drinks is on me until I find some scanned-in photos... I know I have some of a screwed-up-pinch-nosed-Arab-snit. (I could win medals if classes were offered for the most ticked-off horse face.)
                                  Proud COTH lurker since 2001.


                                  • #18
                                    Well those of us down in the smurf levels can't hold a candle to you, but here's the creaky Training Level rider with cute Morgan version:

                                    I wish I had video or photos of our first recognized test, back in 2009. Scary indoor with monsters everywhere, especially at E. We spent much of the test in the air.
                                    Last edited by quietann; May. 7, 2013, 09:12 PM.
                                    You have to have experiences to gain experience.

                                    1998 Morgan mare Mythic Feronia "More Valley Girl Than Girl Scout!"


                                    • #19
                                      Oh Pshaw!!! No horse, and I do mean NO horse, can hold a candle to an Arab when it comes to elevation of the poll. Canter departs were our specialty not too long ago!


                                      We won't discuss how many $$ and how much time was spent to fix that!!!!

                                      ETA: the trip at the end is an added bonus!

                                      ETAII: before you die of the horror, we did get better!

                                      Last edited by oldernewbie; May. 7, 2013, 10:16 AM. Reason: Had to ease the horribleness!


                                      • #20
                                        I think Larkspur is doing an exemplary job of riding back to front.

                                        Lost at C, a nice title for the book might be "What the Hell is Happening and How Am I Supposed to Ride It?"

                                        Suzy, thanks, but I have been informed by PM that Heavenhead is no longer actually poll high, she is nose high. She does not meet the classical standards set down in stone by the ODGs , so no wings for me, yet.