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Saying Goodbye to Long-term Trainer-Need Suggestions

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  • #21
    I understand that leaving a trainer can be emotional, but I would think a trainer would understand financial constraints without a lot of flowery language or showering of gifts. If you don't want to leave, but have to, and the feeling is genuine, it will show in your conversation with her. Just say it. You might be surprised how many times trainers here those words in this economy.
    http://behindthebitblog.com
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    • Original Poster

      #22
      Thank you everyone for your suggestions.

      I met with the BO this evening. I was honest with her about the situation, and despite my best intentions...it still didn't go well.

      I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. She mentioned that she could have another student take some of my "shifts"...and despite repeatedly telling her that even doing that was not enough...she still insisted. The problem is, that she will still call and ask me to "fill-in", and then give me a guilt trip when I say no. It's a cycle with her, and for the longest time, I didn't mind...I enjoy the care I'm able to give to my horses...but with the added constraints to my time recently, it's too much and I need to just focus on my horses and I need to leave the care to someone else. I have been consistently saying "no" to extra shifts more and more, and letting her know that I have extra work demands. This has been going on for months. I'm at my wits end.

      I left it with telling her "I will think about it"...because I was backed into a corner and I could tell that nothing I could say this evening would get through.

      The finances are not the issue...it's my time. I work in a family business and the demands of the business have recently become more intense. I need to spend more time taking care of things there and I need to have the horses someplace where I can ride despite the weather, time, etc.

      No matter how things end, I still plan to show my appreciation for all that I have learned and for all the wonderful care she has given my horses. I need to make this move for personal reasons, and I just feel like she doesn't understand all the demands that I have going on right now, despite my repeated attempts at letting her know.
      Unashamed Member of the Dressage Arab Clique
      CRAYOLA POSSE= Thistle

      Comment


      • #23
        Sometimes people just don't get it. You tried your best to explain which is more than many others would do. Just stick to your guns, continue with your plans and good luck with the move!

        Comment


        • #24
          OK, you salved your conscience by being nice and honest. It's broken record time now. Still nice, but, "no, I can't do that" "no, I can't do that" "no I'm busy at work and can't do that" on and on and on. And I mean this in the kindest way, but no more "I'll think about it" That's just leaving the door cracked for more guilt tripping. No means no at this point, right?

          Make your plans to move, keep talking like you're moving, manage your time, be kind, but MOVE!

          In horse terms, this is the horse that doesn't respect your boundaries and won't back off until there's a come to Jeebus moment. You don't need to put a chain over her nose and back her around the arena at warp speed, but you do need to stiffen your spine and talk like a robot...no, no, no, no, no.....

          Good luck. You may find that a month and a half is too long to put up with this - maybe consider leaving early?

          Hugs!

          Comment


          • #25
            Would you stay if you weren't pressured to work there? It sounds like you don't really want to move, you just want the pressure and extra demands on your time to end.
            "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." - The Little Prince

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            • #26
              I was thinking about leaving early as well, but she is providing help in the barn and it will be difficult to find replacements on short notice. The trainer is wholly focused on "her" needs here. You cannot give an inch, so the "I'll think about it" is not the way to go. Return to the conversation and finalize it immediately. One, you've already given this a great deal of thought. Two, you gave it additional thought after talking with her. Three, even with the concessions she would be willing to make, your decision hasn't and cannot change. Why, your work and family life needs have to come first - just as they do for her. You regretably recognize that your decision negatively impacts her work and family life, and this is why you are giving her 6 weeks notice. Finally, you'll be happy to break in the new help, but as of XX date you will simply not be available. You would like to separate the training relationship (you're great!) from the barn-help relationship (no time!). You ask her to understand that you no longer can work at the barn, but certainly hope that you can preserve the training relationship. Then, it is up to her.
              I always find using the word "cannot" is much better than "should not" or "don't want/wish to". It conveys that there are reasons that prevent you from doing something and depersonalizes to an extent. Good luck.
              pace, path, balance, impulsion and ??

              Don't panic! Ralph Leroy Hill

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              • #27
                I am sorry it did not go well. I find that when I am trying to be firm with something, it is so hard to not add those... Well, I'll think about it, type comments. I do the same thing when I am emailing someone, but at least I can go back and remove them!
                www.ncsporthorse.com

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                • #28
                  She has zero respect for you...is only thinking of herself. Sounds like this move is a very good thing!
                  "The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli"

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                  • Original Poster

                    #29
                    Originally posted by retrofit View Post
                    Would you stay if you weren't pressured to work there? It sounds like you don't really want to move, you just want the pressure and extra demands on your time to end.
                    No, I'm ready to leave...as much as I appreciate the convenience and care she gives the horses, I'm not progressing with her as a rider. The responsibilities are just the icing on the cake. There is way more to this situation than I can discuss here.
                    Unashamed Member of the Dressage Arab Clique
                    CRAYOLA POSSE= Thistle

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Originally posted by Blkarab View Post
                      Thank you everyone for your suggestions.

                      I met with the BO this evening. I was honest with her about the situation, and despite my best intentions...it still didn't go well.

                      I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. She mentioned that she could have another student take some of my "shifts"...and despite repeatedly telling her that even doing that was not enough...she still insisted. The problem is, that she will still call and ask me to "fill-in", and then give me a guilt trip when I say no. It's a cycle with her, and for the longest time, I didn't mind...I enjoy the care I'm able to give to my horses...but with the added constraints to my time recently, it's too much and I need to just focus on my horses and I need to leave the care to someone else. I have been consistently saying "no" to extra shifts more and more, and letting her know that I have extra work demands. This has been going on for months. I'm at my wits end.

                      I left it with telling her "I will think about it"...because I was backed into a corner and I could tell that nothing I could say this evening would get through.

                      The finances are not the issue...it's my time. I work in a family business and the demands of the business have recently become more intense. I need to spend more time taking care of things there and I need to have the horses someplace where I can ride despite the weather, time, etc.

                      No matter how things end, I still plan to show my appreciation for all that I have learned and for all the wonderful care she has given my horses. I need to make this move for personal reasons, and I just feel like she doesn't understand all the demands that I have going on right now, despite my repeated attempts at letting her know.
                      I'm sorry! It doesn't sound like she is at all concerned with your feelings, riding goals, or all the help and support you've given her! It's all about her. :/ It's definitely time to move on. You've been more than considerate and respectful, don't give it another thought and do what you need to do!

                      I'm sorry she has not valued you the way she should; as a boarder, student, and big help. Just goes to show...some people don't know what they have until it's gone.

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        "There is way more to this situation than I can discuss here."

                        OK gotcha, and kudos for being the 1st COTH post-er in history not to air alllll your dirty laundry.

                        In that case, I vote for move sooner as well. Not worth the pressure you are under.
                        "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." - The Little Prince

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          OP, i am going to be the tough one here and say that honestly - you are co dependent here. you are allowing her to walk all over you.

                          if you want to leave - then leave. give her a written 30 day notice and then GO.

                          You do not need to pamper, baby , be nice too, etc. By doing so you are creating more drama for yourself.

                          Just :

                          01.15.13
                          Dear BO

                          please consider this my 30 day notice. I will be leaving on 02.15.13. Thanks so much for your help over the years.

                          (and if you have a deposit) Please let me know what I need to do to get a full refund of my deposit .

                          thanks a bunch!

                          ~me

                          Then, if i thought it was going to get weird, i would leave the day i gave the notice being sure to pay for the full 30 days.,

                          Comment


                          • #33
                            Someone once told me that in dealing with difficult people, come up with a short, declarative sentence and just repeat it over and over. "I can't work this weekend." "I'm moving on the first." Eventually they get it.

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                            • Original Poster

                              #34
                              MBM, actually no, I'm not letting her walk all over me...I'm just trying to be nice and considerate. This is a significant blow to her financially and personally, and while I knew she wouldn't take it well and didn't listen, that is no excuse to be cold about it.

                              I also don't want the bridge burned. She has given my horses fabulous care over the years, and I have learned a tremendous amount from her. She has a good reputation in the area and while I need to make this move for personal reasons, I still want the door to remain open, just in case. You never know.
                              Unashamed Member of the Dressage Arab Clique
                              CRAYOLA POSSE= Thistle

                              Comment


                              • #35
                                not sure how a 30 day (or whatever number) notice that is short and sweet could be considered cold and burning bridges? As it sounds now you are keeping the door ajar and keeping hope alive. that is not kind. kind is being honest and forthright

                                Comment

                                • Original Poster

                                  #36
                                  MBM--

                                  I told her I'm leaving...I gave her notice verbally. She didn't take it well, so I gave her formal notice last night in written form. I was concise, kind and considerate. I have yet to hear back. I'm not sure how that is keeping the door ajar, and keeping hope alive?
                                  Unashamed Member of the Dressage Arab Clique
                                  CRAYOLA POSSE= Thistle

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    The thing to remember is that her barn is a business. And your relationship with her is a business relationship. SHE may not remember that, but that is what it is. Things change, life changes, and as long as you have given her adequate notice and fulfill your part of the bargain until you leave, the rest of it is her baby to rock. She may handle it well or poorly, but it's still strictly business. If she tries to guilt trip you or manipulate you after you have left, don't let it work on you -- if you WANT to help and can do so without expense to other responsibilities, then by all means do so, but once you have discharged your business commitment and have left her barn, you are under no obligation to her whatsoever.

                                    Comment

                                    • Original Poster

                                      #38
                                      I just wanted to give an update on the situation, and I want to thank everyone for their input. This was a very tough move to make. 10 years is a long time and making the break was not easy. There were a lot of "what ifs" and doubts about how things were going to go. To top it all off, this person has a very difficult personality to deal with...bordering on crazy and possessive.

                                      After I gave formal notice, things finally sunk in with the BO. She acknowledged and accepted my resignation and notice of moving. Although she still wanted to "talk" about it. I didn't cave or didn't give in...all of the communications recently have been in written form, just so I don't get backed into a corner again. She was still trying to guilt trip me into staying, even after I gave the written notice...going as far as having several of her friends contact me to tell me I was making a big mistake.

                                      I moved the horses 2 weeks ago, and I'm so glad that I did!!! I'm noticing huge positive changes in my mare, confirming what I knew all along, that she needed more turnout and more interaction with other horses. She has calmed down considerably since the move, and I have a feeling that I may be riding her again by the end of the summer, which is something I haven't been able to do in over 3 years.

                                      My other horse is doing well also. I love that he now has a place to eat in peace, without being harrassed by another horse. He is starting to get used to the new routine and should be settling down soon. He had a rough past, so changes like this affect him a little more than my mare. We are reconnecting in ways I never knew I could with him, and I'm looking forward to seeing what we are going to accomplish this year.

                                      I really wish I had made this move sooner. It has been the best. The day after I moved the horses, my husband said it looked like the weight of the world had left my body. He said he had not seen me this relaxed in a very long time. He's thrilled that I have moved. It's something he has campaigned for, for a very long time.
                                      Unashamed Member of the Dressage Arab Clique
                                      CRAYOLA POSSE= Thistle

                                      Comment


                                      • #39
                                        Good for you for sticking with your gut and making the move. I understand that relationships with trainers/barn owners become much more personal as the years go by and it is not easy to leave. It sounds like you left in the best possible way.

                                        Enjoy your horses!

                                        Comment


                                        • #40
                                          great update! stay positive and remember we do this because we love it

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