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My Non-Horse Husband

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  • My Non-Horse Husband

    [FONT=Verdana]Mr. SLW’s extensive equine background includes “have fun fox hunting today honey”, “do you need more money for the trail ride today?” or “the Miami Dolphins game starts at 4:00 so take your time coming home, I’ll be just fine, really.” The understanding during our 28 year marriage has been- he never questions the money or time requirements with equines IF I never ask him too actually *touch* a horse. He admires the strength and grace of horses but always prefers a stout fence separate him from a horse here at home. [/FONT]

    I needed help from Mr. SLW in the barn this evening with our 2 ½ year old gelding. The gelding is *modest* and I needed to take his temperature which required a second set of hands. Such is life on the small farm when the last horse kid has moved away to the University. Being part human Golden Retriever, kind and helpful, Mr. SLW happily came out to the barn during evening chores to assist me.

    [FONT=Verdana]I told him “I need to take Spanky’s temperature. Do you want the head or the tail?” He looked at me and angst began to cover his usually happy expression. I said “really, I’ll back his rump up to the stall door, head or tail?” The angst drained from his face and was replaced with the cold fear a young child feels when they *think they heard Mr. Eyeball Plucker in the bedroom closet in the middle of the night.” Mr. SLW, an IT guy for a Top 10 Fortune 500 company, was being asked to work on an “ass*et of a different kind- just about as far away from his daily reality as he could ever hope to be.[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana]He paused weighing his options methodically, the Dolphins play the Jets at 1:00 this Sunday….hunting is at 1:00 this Sunday. If Spanky is sick I might end.up.staying.home. So it’s in “our” interest to make sure he is not ill. He said “tail” and so I took the leadrope, handed him the thermometer, backed Spanky up to the stall door and said “go ahead”. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana]First, he randomly picked up the tail at the base of the tail bone and then tried to lift it. Not gonna work. I said “Honey, go ahead and grab the tail bone about half way down, then lift it up.” He did that and then stated “Honey, it is dark and I can’t tell where to put the thermometer!” Spanky is a black colt and the lighting in that stall isn’t the best. I described to him what he should aim for and he tried again getting a lil reaction from Spanky, a scoot if you will. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana]He said “I just can’t do this because I am outside of my comfort zone.” I said “fair enough, you come take the head”. We switched ends and by now, modest Spanky is a lil bit concerned about us being concerned about his back end. Mr. SLW backed the colt up to the door like a pro, I inserted the thermometer and Spanky scooted forward and Mr. SLW jumped. Tried it again with the same result. We stopped with that. Hated to not get the temperature but more importantly, I knew Mr. SLW, who had already declared “outside my comfort zone”, had gone above and beyond the marriage vows.[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana]But it got funnier…..we closed up the barn for the night and walked to the house. Then he quietly confided in me- “I had NO idea a horse had a tail bone. All these years I thought a horse’s tail was all soft hair. So back there, the first time I picked up Spanky’s tail and felt something hard mixed in the tail hair I thought ‘oh my gosh, did I also grab *that*, his wee-wee??”. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana]God I love him!! Non-horse husbands are the best!! We laughed about that at dinner tonight at our favorite Mexican eatery. [/FONT]
    Last edited by SLW; Oct. 30, 2009, 10:19 PM. Reason: font

  • #2
    There is so much about that story that made me laugh!!!

    Had a similar incident last night-- sent non-horsey Mr. FG out to change the horse's sheet. While doing the belly straps he came face to face with horsey's man bits... my gelding has a tendency to let it all hang out. Apparently it was a traumatic incident for Mr. FG! Guess he'd never seen them up close and personal before.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.


    • #3
      I also have a non-horsey hubby and although he fully supports MY need for the beasts, he is constantly challenged by the dirt, hair, and disgusting things we must deal with. It's hysterical to go into a sheath cleaning or other such topic.
      Don't toy with the dragon, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!


      • #4
        My lovely hubby relented 3 years ago & we added a molly mule. This year he thought he was being very thoughtful when he bought me a saddle from a guy at work.

        Now it was super thoughtful (and I can't exactly return it) - but I've told him before saddles are like people shoes and not every saddle fits every horse! However the man at work assures him that my girl will "grow" into it.

        Men, gotta love 'em, right?


        • #5
          My non-horsey boyfriend's first experience with my pony definitely set the tone of their relationship. I had finished riding, untacking and was taking the pony back to his paddock when he decides to stop....pee forever....fart louder than I've ever heard and then glance back at my boyfriend who is ROFL. Pony made his statement.

          Kindred souls from the start.


          • #6
            OMG! Too Funny at the end!!!! This is my laugh for the day, for sure!
            My spouse is a little better at handling the horses than yours, but he too
            "prefers another sport"! Your story is way too good not to share!
            Thank you! J
            ‎"Luck favors the prepared, darling." ~~ Edna Mode


            • Original Poster

              What is so funny is that he does know horses, horse management, etc. so he uses great equine analogys to explain a server, program or software problem. Such as "expecting this program to manage "X,Y,Z" data is like having the hay supplier for a farm know which broodmares are bred to which stallion." Or "this software doesnt match our needs- your asking us to use a roping saddle on a TB race horse." Sometimes I love to overhear his conference calls.


              • #8
                I just LOFF it when NHHs try to tell you how to ride/fix a problem/buy a horse. Its like telling a brain surgon how to operate. Seriously.
                “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” Peter Drucker


                • #9
                  LMAO!!!! That was priceless Thanks for the needed laugh


                  • #10
                    This story is definitely making me feel better. My fiance is completely non-horsey. I got him on a horse to trail ride in Tennessee (one of those tourist things - horses looked to be in good health).

                    He said he remains uninterested in horses.

                    Prior to that, we were dating for about six months when I was using my tax rebate to buy some much needed new tack - two saddles (I event, so one cross country and one dressage), two new bridles (because close contact saddles don't come in black and dressage don't come in brown...of course...), new saddles pads, girths, etc.

                    When he found out my saddles alone cost #1K each, he about fainted - I reminded him that these were mid-range type saddles - they can get up to $4K and more...not to mention custom.

                    I keep thinking I need to get him interested in horses and am slowly realizing he will love me anyway and I should just be really happy that he comes to shows sometimes.

                    Last show, he surprised me by bringing my non-horsey brother, non-horsey sister-in-law and 4 month old niece. My dressage and stadium jumping was video taped by my brother, along with a lot of commentary about why the dressage judge was in a car and how wrong they think that is. My brother hasn't gotten it converted yet, but I can't wait to hear the 'expert commentary' that follows dressage and stadium.


                    • #11
                      LMAO - your hubby is a gem. REALLY. A gem! But you knew that already.
                      Jessi Pizzurro ~~ Pennyroyal Stables
                      Racehorses, OTTBs ~~ 330 383 1281
                      Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway. -- John Wayne


                      • #12
                        got to love em

                        On our first date I told my (now) husband that I would have to be picked up late because I had to go by the barn and infuse a broodmare with antibiotics when I got off work. He volunteered to pick me up and then go by the barn.....which I gladly accepted cause I could use the help. I wrapped the mare's tail, handed him the syringe while I inserted the pipette and after asking for the syringe (with my arm in the mare up to my armpit) and NOT getting the syringe or a response, I looked back over my shoulder to see him backed into the corner of the stall with sheer fright on his face. He is an ER physician. I asked him, "this is not how you do pelvics?" Poor fella. After 16 years or so, he is better at helping and loves the horse shows but he still leaves the breeding chores to me. When I told him I wanted to go to Colo St to the breeding seminars years ago, he GLADLY agreed. At least he knew what he was getting into from the very start! It has been an adventure.


                        • #13
                          Thanks - that was hilarious!!

                          Left my non horsey husband in charge of 1 horse while I went to a clinic with the other for 3 days. Came back to a horse blanket laying on the deck... Hubby wasn't home so I called to make sure everything was okay. I was picturing him taking the blanket off, forgetting to undo some straps, getting kicked or having the horse run around the pen dragging said blanket.
                          I was only partially right as he had indeed "not realized there were strappy things for the legs" - but everyone was fine (I have good natured horses...)
                          Of course I had to thank him profusely for doing that, even though the reasion I hadn't asked him to begin with was that I was afraid something like this might happen...
                          "When life gives you scurvy, make lemonade."


                          • #14
                            SLW - Thank you so much for posting that! Really enjoyed reading it..and yes - I too have a NHH!

                            I tell everyone that before he met me - he wanted the biggest house on the smallest lot with plastic grass! Now we live on a farm and raise horses and sheep!


                            • #15
                              OMG. Thank you for sharing this very very cute story. It made my day


                              • #16
                                My non-horsey husband is slowly becoming horsey (not that he'll ever reach my level I'm sure). He does now have a horse (which he said he wanted for trail riding with me, but I'm not convinced it wasn't just to have something that was his to feed ten million treats a day LMAO )
                                I think the funniest thing is that when does come on a ride with me- he pretty much refuses to steer- rides with reins on the buckle and hands on the pommel- he wants the horse to be able to choose his way and he just wants to enjoy the scenery- LOL! Thankfully his horse is a saint who thinks his purpose in life is to follow my mare wherever she goes
                                "As soon as you're born you start dyin'
                                So you might as well have a good time"


                                • #17
                                  Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
                                  Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
                                  -Rudyard Kipling


                                  • #18
                                    Priceless - even from the perspective of this HH who has a NHW


                                    • #19
                                      Gosh that's funny!!!

                                      The not-so-new BF was aware this week that I was really down about having to rehome one of my horses and offered to come with me for my "first" visit back to the barn w/ her gone--and to meet my other horse.

                                      He grew up w/ cattle and fully admitted in advance that he knows nothing of what constitutes a "well put together horse". To which I said, "Good, because you're about to meet a conformational Mr. Potato head.

                                      His response after we had slogged through the mud and met the mare? "She has the most beautiful eyes."

                                      Okay. Good. They all do, don't they? At least he picked one of her best assets.

                                      Got to love 'em. They try.
                                      A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

                                      Might be a reason, never an excuse...


                                      • #20
                                        Ha this was a great story. Mr. Pony Soprano is very similar, including his ultimate motivation being the football game. He is very generous about fixing fences and mowing fields though.

                                        In seven years I have gotten him on a horse three times. He did inform me this summer that if he really put his mind to it and tried, he could be jumping in a month . Ha My horses aren't going to be the ones going through that learning curve being that the walk is currently a challenge.