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I love him but sometimes............

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  • I love him but sometimes............

    I love my DH but sometimes he drives me down right crazy. I am not sure if he just wants me in the loony bin, behind bars or just doesn't care.

    He is great, helps out around the house inside and out, if I need anything done for my horse or anything built he is right there to help.

    But way is it that husbands just don't hear. I can say "I would like to build some jumps. Would you help me?" and get a "Yes."

    I asked for help not for you to take over and do it your way. If I say I want it this way then please do it this way.

    Why can't he listen to me? I have drawn out what I want on other things, we will talk and I make sure he understands. Then he will do it his way. Then it doesn't work/look the way I want.

    I remember the lean-to I wanted built to store hay in. Man was that a great way to see how will he and I can work together.

    I love my DH and love that he will help me, but Why O' Why can't he just do things the way I want?

    This is just a vent, I love my DH and am happy with him 95% of the time. The other 5% I am not sure if God is just testing me to see how far he can push me before I snap and kill him. (tongue in cheek)

    Am I the only one that has this problem?
    My life motto now is "You can't fix stupid!"

    Are you going to cowboy up, or lie there and bleed

  • #2
    Nah, we are all this way sometimes. DH will NOT sweep under the bed or the couch, or any place that's tiled (bathrooms, foyer). I appreciate that he sweeps. I don't appreciate that the fur tumbleweeds show up an hour later and he is complaining about it.
    COTH's official mini-donk enabler

    "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl

    Comment


    • #3
      Nope, you are definitely not the only one!

      Jump building with my SO involved me giving him the plans of the jumps the way I wanted them done, him taking over, me walking away in frustration when he ignored my input, and then me coming back and making him do it all over again the way I originally wanted instead of the way his creative not-so-horsey mind interpreted.

      Guys. Gotta love 'em... but not really.
      http://poorwomanshowing.blogspot.com/
      R.I.P. Eagles Hill. 4/6/00-12/10/11.

      Comment

      • Original Poster

        #4
        Originally posted by MightyBobbyMagee View Post
        Jump building with my SO involved me giving him the plans of the jumps the way I wanted them done, him taking over, me walking away in frustration when he ignored my input, and then me coming back and making him do it all over again the way I originally wanted instead of the way his creative not-so-horsey mind interpreted.

        Guys. Gotta love 'em... but not really.
        That was so this morning!

        When I told him he had to now come up with the money to buy the lumber that he wrecked. He got mad at me. Mainly because it will come out of his beer/bike money.

        But the jump standards got made at least the ones that there was lumber for.
        My life motto now is "You can't fix stupid!"

        Are you going to cowboy up, or lie there and bleed

        Comment


        • #5
          Yep. I love my DH to the moon and back, but he does the same thing. He knows nothing about landscaping, and though I do, he can't just do it the way I ask him to. In the time it takes to justify to him why I want it done that way, I could do it myself if I were healthy. Unfortunately, my body just can't handle the work, so I have to ask for help. If it's a project where our knowledge base is equal, I don't mind discussion over the best way to do something, but it really bothers me when I have more experience and knowledge and he still can't be cooperative.

          Comment


          • #6
            They ignore your requests and directions for several reasons (and I speak from lots of experience)
            1) they think they know better, that they're smarter, that you don't know anything, that you may know a little about something but because you're a woman, you really don't know much.
            "There is no fundamental difference between man and animals in their ability to feel pleasure and pain, happiness, and misery." - Charles Darwin

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            • #7
              oft repeated phrase around our place "I asked for help, not for supervision. Do you understand the difference?"
              The plural of anecdote is not data.

              Comment


              • #8
                This happened to me yesterday. I've concluded that I was acting too passively and not communicating well enough. Sometimes I *do* want the job or portion of it completely done, without further work on my part. Yesterday, I wanted the job done together,but MY way. I think I need to communicate more clearly, and be open to the possibility that if I want help but MY way, that the other person may say "Nope, not interested in helping,if its your way".

                Comment


                • #9
                  I'm still laughing

                  When my city born and raised DH set about converting our huge tobacco barn into my "dream barn" I had a clear way of how I wanted it. When I started bitching about what he and his buddy were doing, saying "honey, can you do it like this?" In disgust, he threw down his hammer, pointed to it and to the lumber and said "You can either do it yourself, or get the H*ll out of my way"

                  I wisely retreated to the house and I have a far nicer barn that I would have if he'd listen. My entire farm is that way.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You married a man, honey. Give it..oh, 20 more years and you may...just may...have him broken in the way you want.

                    But I won't lay odds on it. You're fighting biology and Mother Nature the whole way. Ever read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"? If not, pick up a copy. It explains everything you're up against.

                    You need to establish team leadership on your side first before anything else. That's how men operate and think. If you are even the slightest wishy-washy, he'll take over in the blink of an eye. Like working with an ADD horse - you need to be in charge and maintain leadership, otherwise they take over and often NOT the way you want it.

                    Again, read the book. Lots of answers...and strategy...in there.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Eh hem, my helper was a.. Woman. I've been complaining about my male boss being like the DH in the OP, but when this happened to me with my sister, well I had to look at the common denominator, which is me.

                      Comment

                      • Original Poster

                        #12
                        The problem in my house is that my DH is a construction engineer with all his tickets, millwright, framing and so on.

                        If I let him do things his way, I would never be able to lift my jump standard. He would build them so they would not move.

                        The lean-to I wanted and showed him. is the type where the side wall and roof come together on the edge. He had to have that 1' eave. Of course he built it wail I was at work. I got home and he was done the framing and just had to put the sheeting on.

                        When I asked why he did that way and not the way I wanted I was told that is the only way you and do it. I then had to explained that by doing it his way the over all size was smaller and the amount of bales I wanted to be able to put in would be less.

                        Two weeks later when we where putting up hay he understood that that space could have held 30 more bales that where now sitting where his bike sat in the garage.

                        It is hard for him to understand that I might know a few things about how to do stuff. I grow up a farm girl and know how to use just about any tool that I can lift. I work on a tight budget and have no whole life so I can build that item with just that little of money/lumber or what have you. He has always has been able to just go buy what ever he needs and if he makes a mistake go get more. Now he has married someone with horses and has to live on a budget. He is not adjusting well.

                        I seem to have traveled in my thoughts. When we first dated he would do anything I wanted the way I wanted. After the paper was signed, I no longer knew as much as I did when I was single.

                        I also can't find any of my tools. What is with that. I had all my own tools. a very good drill, a small but nice circular saw, a full socket set not one piece missing. Now I can't find the allen keys to it. My tool bag is almost empty. I have to dig through his tool boxes too find a wrench/screw/pliers it just drives me crazy. Can someone tell me why my tools that where cheap crap when we were dating are now in his tool boxes or in his garage and my tool bag sits empty?
                        My life motto now is "You can't fix stupid!"

                        Are you going to cowboy up, or lie there and bleed

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I do things late at night, when DH and dogs are safely tucked in bed. :-) I prefer staying up late. I put Star Trek re-runs on Netflix, answer to no one, and it is done by daylight.....bahaha. I can also consume vast quantities of strong coffee while I work. Too bad I have a day job.
                          Now to be fair, DH worked in remote locations for many years, so I was used to doing things alone.
                          Yes, you are not alone! We are legions!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Eleanor View Post
                            That was so this morning!

                            When I told him he had to now come up with the money to buy the lumber that he wrecked. He got mad at me. Mainly because it will come out of his beer/bike money.

                            But the jump standards got made at least the ones that there was lumber for.
                            The short answer is that guys don't think "girls" know how to do anything and they know how to do EVERYTHING!! My solution...in the course of 40 years of marriage...is to do everything I can WITHOUT any help...then ask for help for just the ONE thing...and say thanks and send him away!!! Recall as necessary, but put your foot down to any "creative, husband input"!!! Saves on building materials and your sanity!!!
                            www.crosscreeksporthorses.com
                            Breeders of Painted Thoroughbreds and Uniquely Painted Irish Sport Horses in Northeast Oklahoma

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              This thread makes me realize how lucky I am. I'm not married but have been "dating"/and/or lived with my SO for 17 years. Building, elect., in general, I bow out and let him make the calls. If, however, there are horses involved he won't move unless I give it my blessing.

                              Not saying he won't question some of my choices. We talk it out but he always defers to me on horse stuff. And he should - my land, my $$$, my supplies.

                              I do thank god that my SO isn't someone that has to always be RIGHT all the time.
                              "Dogs are man's best friend. Cats are man's adorable little serial killer." -- theoatmeal.com

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                My mother has been complaining about disappearing tools for YEARS. Now my parents each have their own sets of tools, and my mother keeps hers organized and hidden. I swear she puts a hair over the handle or something so if someone borrows something without asking she'll know.

                                My SO is a city boy. He has acclimated well to country/farm life, but there are still things he is missing. I've learned to just blink and say ok. Let him learn by experience.

                                Most recently, he was spraying Round-Up on weeds around the house. I was roaching my old lady pony's mane. I'm covered in bits of horse hair, wet because I'd just given her a bath, really disgusting. I look up and he is spraying Round-Up on the baby Lilac I dug up from the huge lilac in the back 40 and planted next to the house. I go running across the lawn, screaming, covered in tiny pieces of horse hair and soaking wet. NOOOOO... that's a plant!!!! He still feels guilty about it.

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  Originally posted by Eleanor View Post
                                  I also can't find any of my tools. What is with that. I had all my own tools. a very good drill, a small but nice circular saw, a full socket set not one piece missing. Now I can't find the allen keys to it. My tool bag is almost empty. I have to dig through his tool boxes too find a wrench/screw/pliers it just drives me crazy. Can someone tell me why my tools that where cheap crap when we were dating are now in his tool boxes or in his garage and my tool bag sits empty?
                                  Because at some point yours were easier to grab. Then they travel with him where he wants to use them. This happens around here a lot.

                                  Also, on the general topic, I feel the same way about my father. The problem being, he always ends up being RIGHT
                                  It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home.

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    [QUOTE=Ruth0552;7036625]My SO is a city boy. He has acclimated well to country/farm life, but there are still things he is missing. I've learned to just blink and say ok. Let him learn by experience. [QUOTE]

                                    This is me, we bought our farm 3 months ago and it's been a learning curve for him... He wasn't a 'city boy' per se but grew up with motorized things and not livestock. I still get crazy looks when I say 'it has to be done this way, if it's done that way the horses will kill themselves on that little nail that might stick out 1/4" 2 years from now'

                                    My project was the fence, done now and with very little waste, and was drawn out with specific measurements and spacings etc so they could do it even if I wasn't there to assist and direct.

                                    His project was putting in the shedrow stalls, simple project of enclosing an existing overhang... still not done and we spent this past weekend setting the railroad ties for the gravel pad and hand digging over 100' of water lines so the stalls would have water run to them... his way is going to be great and will last forever but we keep making these 'simple' stalls fancier and fancier... and now he's talking about building a barn. UGH! the whole point to putting in shedrow stalls is so we wouldn't have to drop the 20k+ on an actual barn, I don't plan on keeping my horses up much and Alabama winters aren't cold enough to need a warm barn. I just keep reminding myself that it's a good thing he 'enjoys' working on all the horse projects.

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      Mr P loves to play golf. So if there is a project that I can't do for the most of the time he is happy to hire someone.
                                      Works for me
                                      I wasn't always a Smurf
                                      Penmerryl Sophie RIDSH
                                      "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
                                      The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        You are not alone, LOL!

                                        I often describe my 'working' relationship with Mr. Trev as 2 old plow horses who always want to work on a different lead. We always agree on the end result, but our methods for getting there are always wildly different. Part of it is the way our brains are wired. I'm a results oriented optimist, he's a process oriented pessimist. So I always see the final product and want to just jump in and get started. He sees the 'process and pitfalls', so takes forever to start and gets bogged down in the peparation process.

                                        Most of the time, when he hits a snag, I'm the one to either see it coming and provide the solution, because I always have a picture in my mind of the end result, so I can catch him before he gets too far off track. But often, I just tell him what I want and let him put it on 'the list', then leave him alone to get it done his way. I'll only jump in if he's goes way beyond my timeline or I can see that he's totally off track.

                                        Its pretty rare to find a couple that goes about everything in the same way. Making it work long term usually requires some level of 'letting go' and picking your battles.
                                        Lowly Farm Hand with Delusions of Barn Biddieom.
                                        Witherun Farm
                                        http://witherun-farm.blogspot.com/

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