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Dear Pocket Trainer:

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  • #81
    Dear Pocket Trainer,
    I need help! My Pocket Trainer seems to be malfunctioning, and the tech service number is either busy, or places me on hold for so long that it threatens my manicure appointment.

    My Pocket Trainer is vibrating wildly in my pocket. The sensation, while admittedly pleasant, doesn't seem to be improving GrasPferde's work ethic at all.

    It has resulted in some dramatic relaxation in my lower back, though.

    I'm tempted to return the darned Pocket Trainer, but there wasn't a return address on the plain brown wrapper.

    Sincerely,

    Buzzed Off Down South

    Comment


    • #82
      Dear Techdom!

      We here at Pocket Trainer thank you so much for your concern regarding th ebundling issue. Our excellent staff of attorneys has recommended a "Dell" style of bundling (optional, but preferred) for most of our services. Naturally, we let our customers buy any single product they desire, and try to guide them to their perfect Pocket Trainer Experience!

      As for your PDA request, I am afraid you hit on the very heart of that problem with your reference to the "unwashed masses". You see, we here at Pocket Trainer recognize that the Pocket Trainer Experience is a special experience indeed. It's not for everyone, most especially the unwashed masses. And we have it on good authority that any old unwashed mass can walk in off the street and purchase a PDA... Hence our concern with Brand Uniqueness and Desirability. But we are looking into upgrading Pocket Junior ($495 installation, $99.95 monthly subscription, plus tips!) with standard PDA package. We find this option especially desirable, as our clients will not have to do any actual data entry, which is really quite beneath them...

      Yours in a Pocket!

      Pocket Trainer

      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
      Yours in a Pocket!

      Pocket Trainer

      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

      Comment


      • #83
        HeyYouNags..

        I just read your post and I can relate and I may have the answer (not the solution) to your problem...

        I bet you were sent, by error, the Pocket Trainer Pocket Pool product. I have been having problems with the Pocket Trainer Pocket Man Mister, Ultra Superior Model, product and those problems seem to be far worse since he received the Pocket Trainer Pocket Pool product.

        Had I known he ordered it I would have interevned and stopped the shipment IMMEDIATELY but it arrived on Saturday morning along with the Pocket Trainer Pocket Princess, Pink Tata Model, while I was at the barn working away.

        The behavior you are describing is the same behavior my Pocket Man Mister has been displaying repeatedly the past few days...I do however believe they sent him the Delux version as his lower back has been extremely "relaxed" of late AND I can't seem to wipe the smile off his little face.

        Hopefully we will hear from THE Pocket Trainer representative quickly so we can do whatever necessary to eliminate the problem...HOWEVER I am not sure how I will deal with Pocket Man Mister when his "toys" are returned for a refund!!!!!!

        http://www.foxpointefarm.com
        http://www.go-sho.org
        [url]http://www.horseshowbiz.com
        [url]http://www.ijumpsports.com

        Comment


        • #84
          Dear Extra Martini!

          The "Veterinary" portion of your bill is that Very Large Number at the bottom. Lord knows, Exceedingly Drugged loves his vet visits!

          Yours in a Pocket!

          Pocket Trainer

          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
          Yours in a Pocket!

          Pocket Trainer

          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

          Comment


          • #85
            Dear Sleeping Around!

            Pocket Trainer gave you careful instructions not to activate that upgrade within 50 feet of any horse other than the desired target! But we are just happy that it all worked out fine.

            Meanwhile, we suggest sending Midge off to that renowned working hunter stallion, Pfatflump, who could always be counted on to get his changes whenever he got out of his own way. And most especially we do not recommend Zip 'n Go as a sire prospect, for all that he has a beautiful jump. Pocket Trainer's Nicking Service ($295 per analysis) shows Zip 'n Go as an excellent match for Pfatflump's more docile daughters (as if there has ever been a non-docile Pfatflump daughter!)

            In the meantime, enjoy your changes, and celebrate with a 1994 Rabbit Ridge Sangiovese. After the 3rd bottle you won't recognize Midge, and all will be good in the Pocket Trainer Experience!

            Yours in a Pocket!

            Pocket Trainer

            See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
            Yours in a Pocket!

            Pocket Trainer

            See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

            Comment


            • #86
              Dear Conned by Pccket Inc.!

              Once again we regret to inform you that we do not have a "Pocket Princess" line. We beg of you, do NOT accept any more devices from Pccket Trainer (cheap, shoddy knockoff).

              We have tried to advise you of the disconnect option available to help our trusted friends who are taken in by this evil marketing ploy, but have yet to hear from you. We can only surmise you are being held hostage by these poor substitutes for the Pocket Trainer Experience! We will contact the authorities immediately ($59.95 contact fee plus $9.95 per minute consultation).

              Yours in a Pocket!

              Pocket Trainer

              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
              Yours in a Pocket!

              Pocket Trainer

              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

              Comment


              • #87
                Dear angery in hi scool!

                Pocket Trainer HIGHLY recommends the Tutor Service Upgrade ($1995 installation plus $995 per month subscription) to Pocket Junior. Pocket Trainer is confident that if your communication skills are improved, it's entirely possible that your parents will actually understand that you desire to go to Florida. At this point we are unsure if your parents are denying the request because they don't want you to go to Florida and miss much needed schooling or simply that they don't understand what you are saying. In either event, we are confident that the Tutor Upgrade will solve both problems!

                Yours in a Pocket!

                Pocket Trainer

                See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                Yours in a Pocket!

                Pocket Trainer

                See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                Comment


                • #88
                  Dear Buzzed Off DownSouth!

                  Now, Now, dearest Buzzed Off... we have had this conversation several times, and you know we have told you to leave that other device in the bedside drawer! you must simply learn to tell the difference between them, although we have noted your previous habit of having us page you 346 times a day, so we can only conclude there is a certain pattern emerging!

                  But we here at Pocket Trainer exist to make a client happy, no matter how offbeat that request might be! If you like, we can arrange to page you tomorrow at 4:00PM, 4:04 PM, 4:08PM and so on, until your ride is finished. if nothing else, GrasPferde should become accustomed, eh?

                  Yours in a Pocket!

                  Pocket Trainer

                  See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                  Yours in a Pocket!

                  Pocket Trainer

                  See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                  Comment


                  • #89
                    Dear Pocket Trainer-
                    I am a directionally challenged eventer. Normally we are fairly independent folks, but I think I need help here. I would like a GPS upgrade so that I can be sure where I am on course (stadium and XC please). It would be nice also if this GPS could also help with dressage geometry. Is this upgrade available for eventers?
                    Lost on Course

                    http://community.webshots.com/user/pnekman
                    Third Chair in the Viola Clique
                    Founder of the Packrats Anonymous Clique
                    Proud Member of the Dirty Grey Horse Clique
                    http://community.webshots.com/user/pnekman

                    Comment


                    • #90
                      Dear Pocket Trainer:

                      I have ordered everything. Mr. Beezer promised me your entire line (shameless evidence that my hubby loves me and wants me to be happy because I am sooooooo thin and beautiful! ) so as to ensure that my experiences with my Alla Czar filly (shameless name dropping! ) will be fulfilling, fruitful and fantabulous.

                      But ... do you have a Pocket Vet that Mr. Beezer can add to my order? I fear that she has hurt herself. Again. Something tells me that if she follows the pattern of my other horses (shameless brag that this proves I have more money than ALL of you! ), it will be a lifelong battle to prevent her from self-destructing.

                      Signed, Secure in My Bragging Rights but Needing My Own Personal Vet.

                      ***** I muck, therefore I am. *****
                      Congratulate me! My CANTER cutie is an honor student at Goofball University!

                      Comment


                      • #91
                        Dear Pocket Trainer:

                        I'm sick of riding my own horse during the week! I'm also sick of my horse not knowing how to do everything perfect, he also is no longer steel grey but is turning, *gasp* white-this is an unacceptable color. Also at horse shows I'm having a hard time wiping my own a$$.
                        Do you offer any solutions to my above problems?

                        Sincerely yours,
                        Dirty Butt

                        ~*Adult Pony Rider Clique*~
                        ~*Adult Pony Rider Clique*~
                        www.straplessmedia.com

                        Comment


                        • #92
                          Dear Pocket Trainer,

                          I have something of a dilemma you may be able to help me fix. I have two horses, one a grey, the other a bay. I am unsure which type of wine I should be drinking to color coordinate best with my mounts! As a result, I have resorted to martinis, which are starting to effect my ability to see Pocket Groom when he brings my mount to me at the ingate.

                          Please advise!

                          One Martini Too Many

                          Comment


                          • #93
                            Pocket Trainer,

                            Thanks to you I NEVER see my bill(with those "vet charges") or ED, WOWY, or the rest of the herd. I raise my morning Screw Driver and toast you, yet again.

                            When can I expect delivery of my Pocket Poser Protector to detect all these Pccket Prisses and steer me clear of them? I mean why would any one NOT want to emulate and immitate your true Pocket Primadonnas who have bought that privilege fair and square. There must be more of them out there than first suspected, all this mentioning of "my horse this, my horse that" is scaring me, if you can recognize your horse that well you must be spending entirely tooo much time actually working around it.

                            Comment


                            • #94
                              Dear Pocket Trainer,

                              Since dressage alludes you, I wonder if Pocket Trainer can be modified to function at cross-country speeds of 450 mpm?

                              Yours truly,

                              Ditch Jumper

                              Take me to the river, drop me in the water
                              http://community.webshots.com/user/rbjohnsonii
                              When blood is the beverage of choice, the sharpest fangs feed first.

                              Comment


                              • #95
                                Cross Country, Ditches, sounds DIRTY, ICKY, high risk of breaking a nail, hair being blown out of place, Oh just the thought is nerve wracking. Just think of what it would do to your pretty pedicure, which I'm sure is well maintained now that you sent in payment for Pocket Ped.

                                Comment


                                • #96
                                  Dear Lost on Course!

                                  We regret to inform you that we do not offer a line of products for eventing. After much market research and a pilot project with a demo line we learned that repairs and upkeep were simply too costly for the average eventer to maintain the product line to our high standards.

                                  Sadly, this was not due to the quality of workmanship on Pocket Trainer products, but more to some unique characteristics associated with this particular discipline, as follows: Equipment getting yanked off as riders cavort through the brush; riders (and equipment) tossed head first into large, immovable objects; riders (and equipment) frequently finding themselves in the water element, which unlike on a jumper course, contains actual dirty water AND mud; and finally, the distressing tendency for eventers to pride themselves on their ability to flip their horses. This Horse Flipping standard has finshed off every last demo model!

                                  So we regret that we are unable to fulfill your request, although we always invite you to come over to the dark side, er, take up hunter/jumpers. We feel that with your directionally challenged nature that hunter courses my be right up your alley! With your Pocket Trainer guiding your every move, and whooping your way over the last fence, success will be yours!

                                  Yours in a Pocket!

                                  Pocket Trainer

                                  See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                  Yours in a Pocket!

                                  Pocket Trainer

                                  See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                  Comment


                                  • #97
                                    Dear Secure in My Bragging Rights but Needing My Own Personal Vet!

                                    Pocket Trainer has considered offering Pocket Vet, but after much market research, we have determined that our clientele much prefer "Vet to the Stars"! There is nothing so exciting as knowing that you have an in with the vets that treat World Cup level athletes! So we offer a Schmooze and Beg upgrade ($1095) to your Pocket Trainer. With Schmooze and Beg abilities, your Pocket Trainer will cultivate the goodwill of these elite vets (and farriers! - additional $595), to ensure that your horse will be treated by the most elite and exceptional vets out there. After all, we at Pocket Trainer know the ONLY thing better than having your own vet, is to have the World Cup finalists' vets at your beck and call!

                                    And best of all, the Schmooze and Beg upgrade will drop casual hints to your friends and competitors, letting them know that you rate the Best of the Best in vet services!

                                    As always, Pocket Trainer recommends a 1993 Caymus Cabernet when lording it over your friends. In cases of that 3rd vet visit of the week, Pocket Trainer recommends at least 3 bottles of that Caymus.

                                    Yours in a Pocket!

                                    Pocket Trainer

                                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                    Yours in a Pocket!

                                    Pocket Trainer

                                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                    Comment


                                    • #98
                                      Dear Dirty Butt!

                                      Pocket Trainer is deeply concerned about your dilemma. We here at Pocket Trainer know that your showing experience simply cannot be fun if you are required to toil away at the mundane details such as riding or grooming your horse. As always, we ask you to look into the full Pocket Trainer Experience! With Pocket Trainer (base price $5995 plus 3 open platimum cards), Pocket Junior ($495 installation, $99.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) and Pocket Groom ($495 installation, $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) your days of mandatory midweek riding, grooming at any time, or troubles finding your own butt are over! The Pocket Trainer Experience! is here to take care of you and your every need (additional upgrades may be required)!

                                      Finally, we must talk about this grey-to-white issue. First Pocket Trainer needs to know if the lack of greyness in any way coincides with an inability to qualify for Devon or Indoors? If this is not an issue, Pocket Trainer merely suggests the Pocket Poop Alert upgrade ($395) for your Pocket Groom. This will make sure Pocket Groom is alerted anytime a pile hits the bedding, thereby eliminating that genetic Plop-Stop-Drop-Roll response in all greys. But if the lack of greyness corresponds with a lack of performance, Pocket Trainer recommends Pocket Trainer Matchmaker ($595 per analysis) to analyze exactly what i sthe perfect new mount for you, along with Pocket Trainer Search ($999, not including expenses and commi$$ion$) to find that perfect new horse

                                      We look forward to your bu$ine$$!

                                      Yours in a Pocket!

                                      Pocket Trainer

                                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                      Yours in a Pocket!

                                      Pocket Trainer

                                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                      Comment


                                      • #99
                                        Would Babs aka Kenneth Square love this or what! I can just hear her now.....

                                        Comment


                                        • Dear One Martini Too Many!

                                          Pocket Trainer feels your pain! As you know, Pocket Trainer normally recommends "white with light horses" and "red with dark horses" but that is simply not a workable situation when you have 2 different colors in one class. Still, if you are riding your A/O hunter and your A/O jumper, we do encourage that you stick with this protocol,even if the classes run close together. Remember, appearances count, and they count double at the hunter in gate!

                                          But we here at Pocket Trainer have put some thought into the issue of two horses in one class leading to a wine conflict, and we certainly do agree that martinis are one solution, but we must allow that there is a school of thought that encourages the dark liquors with bay horses. While an extra dirty martini might seem a good compromise, some disagree...

                                          After much consulting with our esteemed group of wine consultants, we have determined that Pinot Noir is the perfect wine for this occassion. Yes, it is red, but it has long been held to be a wine that maintains its elegance in the face of diversity. The fact that it is notoriously difficult to grow and tempermental only adds to its mystique. We recommend the 1994 Elk Cove La Boheme Pinot Noir for those riding a grey and bay in hunters, but prefer the more robust 1994 Gary Farrell Rochiolo for the jumpers.

                                          Naturally, you should never have to worry about identifying your Pocket Groom. We design them to all look alike, so we program them to identify you!

                                          Yours in a Pocket!

                                          Pocket Trainer

                                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                          Yours in a Pocket!

                                          Pocket Trainer

                                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                          Comment

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