In this apocalyptic dating cyber-scrapyard of a world, the process of procuring a perfect mate can be a daunting proposition. For a professional horse-human, whose day-to-day reality begins with chewing up handfuls of aspirin and ends in a drooling vegetative state of horse-scented exhaustion, finding an acceptable mate, or, if we’re being really honest with ourselves, a “breathing mate,” can feel fairly ambitious. Fortunately for the technology-resistant masses, a quick Google search can drum up some easy outlines for the modern equestrian seeking useful companionship.

Below is an example of common dating profile Q&As to give you a leg up on your internet dating journey. Who knows what literary triumph a single horse-human might achieve if they were capable of sitting still long enough to “use their words” and really put themselves out there? You won’t know if you don’t try. What’s the worst that could happen you ask? Winding up on a milk carton? True, but if your 1,500-pound gelding has trouble running off with you, what chance does some little creep from OK Cupid have? If you want to take extra precautions, simply toss the can of barn bee spray in your purse. You can hit a target from up to 12 feet away, and the farrier told me it works way better than mace!

Let’s begin.

Surely you’ve got some spare time to fill out a dating profile while you scarf down dinner?

Most profile outlines start with an “About Me” section. This is the portion of your profile where you try to attract and intrigue your “matches” by giving them a glimpse into your world by describing your interests, likes, dislikes, etc.

For example:

Question: What am I doing with my life?

Answer: Surviving multiple equine-inflicted blunt force head traumas over a five-year period without becoming a drooling celery stalk. In between base jumping, clicker training hammerhead sharks, and panning for precious metals in my spare time (HA HAAAA, I have zero spare time), I’ve been logging a lot of hours in the crap-management industry with the goal of actually retiring one day, while still being able to afford both protein and health insurance!

I’m looking for a mediocre male, between the ages of 19-80, who can lift a 50-pound feed bag without suffering a minor coronary episode, preferably owns a truck, has most of his original teeth, has expendable income for veterinary purposes, and whose hobbies include, but are not limited to, cutting the talons of several poorly behaved dogs.

Any matches better be truthful on their profile because we’re going to put their handyman skills to the test.

My Self Summary:

I was foaled somewhere in a barn, probably. My mother often locked my siblings and me in stalls in lieu of childcare, requesting the eldest to not “let the baby ingest horse excrement.” I was raised something like a 17th century indentured undesirable and spent the majority of my youth mucking stalls and serving as a stunt man and crash dummy for feral ponies purchased off Tijuana-bound box trucks. A few decades later, not that much has changed.

I find great satisfaction from the simplest of things: a poop-free morning water bucket, a freshly emptied manure pit, a month without hospital bills. I used to enjoy walks on the beach and bubble baths as well, but I haven’t had a real vacation since the age of 10, and my Jack Russell attacks me in the tub.

I’ve been told I’m a skilled conversationalist, however the majority of my day-to-day exchanges are held with 1,200-pound hooved heathens and consist mostly of: “NO.” “STOP.” “MOVE OVER.” “GOOD BOY/GIRL.” “I’LL GET THE TWITCH, I SWEAR TO GOD.” Three-fourths of my verbal communications are just a series of grunts, clucks and kissing noises. If I whistle, it’s because I think you need to pee, and I will most likely beckon you by crinkling candy wrappers.

I know, I know. How am I still single?

I’m Really Good At: Forcing animals to live against their will. What can I say? It’s a gift.

The First Things People Usually Notice About Me: The scent

Favorite Books: Self help

Favorite Movies: Please, anything but horse movies. No I will NOT watch “Seabiscuit” with you. Apparently ugly snot crying in public can make men “flighty,” and unless you dislike yourself enough to sit through two hours of sarcastic horsemanship etiquette critiques, incessant eye rolling, and statements like, “Look at those hands; I’m surprised poor Flicka didn’t flip over on her sooner,” don’t choose one of those basic equestrian “coming-of-age” films. You won’t have a good time.

Music: Whatever FM station is clearest on the bird poo-encrusted barn stereo

Food: I enjoy anything I can shove into my face while driving a slant-load gooseneck before the dog grabs it out of my mouth.

The four things I could never do without:

1. My horse
2. The vet
3. The farrier
4. Adult beverages

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

1. A career change
2. Chronic lameness
3. If I should shower before going to the grocery store.

On a typical Friday night I am: In bed by 8 p.m.

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing To Admit: I’m not that lonely; I just need free barn help.

You should message me if: You want to make your ex-wife feel sympathy instead of hatred. You are tired of talking to your cats.

Good luck fellow single horse comrades.

And voila! What kind of man could scroll past a profile like that? Nailed it. I hope this inspires you to get out there and find that barn help … I mean soulmate. Feel free to just copy and paste this entire sample profile to the dating site of your choosing, since we both know you’re likely reading this while hand-grazing, soaking feet, cold-hosing legs, or whatever other barn activities that allow for five minutes of screen time.

Best of luck out there, single horse comrades. May the wind be at your back, the sun on your face, the reins in your hand—and the bee spray in your purse.

Alice Peirce was raised as a self-described “feral horse farm child” in Howard County, Maryland. She’s made efforts to leave the horse world over the years but always comes back and has worked for a number of people in various disciplines. Currently she’s working for The Maryland Horse Breeders Association, attempting to teach her draft Mule “Olive” how to jump, and training foxhunters in Monkton, Maryland, where she hunts with the Elkridge-Harford Hunt.

Read all of Alice’s COTH blogs.