Supplements Made Simple

May 29, 2015 - 2:28 AM
Cartoon by Jody Lynne Werner

There’s a huge selection of nutritional and medicinal supplements out there, and both choosing and using can be confusing. We’ve simplified the selection process by proposing supplement blends specifically designed to make the horse you’ve got into the partner you’ve always wanted. You might even be tempted to take some yourself.

Sharpen Up!
Is your horse a good guy but not the brightest bulb in the barn? At feeding time, is he the only one standing out in his run wondering where everybody went? Are you tired of going off course even after you let him look at the course diagram three times? Feed him Sharpen Up! Brain-enhancing herbs give an immediate boost to his I.Q. that’s guaranteed to gain him an extra five points on his next dressage test.  Nine out of 10 users reported their horses had a newfound sensibility for coming in out of the rain, and the ability to distinguish the administering of deworming paste from an actual attempt to poison them.

Note: prolonged feeding of Sharpen Up! may result in your horse becoming smart enough to differentiate your spastic movements from actual ability to ride. He may refuse to continue to accept ambiguous aids or irresolute requests for lead changes. Should this occur, we recommend adding Oblige-Me to his daily regimen.

Dumb-down
Is your equine partner too smart for his own good? Does he open gates, untie knots and calculate how to lose shoes only when the farrier is out of town? Do you swear he can log into your calendar app to see your show schedule so he knows when to go lame? Does he just seem to know what you’re thinking before you know it yourself? He needs Dumb-down. Like a liquid lobotomy, Dumb-down’s exclusive, neuro-transmitter destroying formula works to synergistically suppress higher-level thought processes. Let Dumb-down put YOU back at the top of the evolutionary chart. Mildly hallucinogenic for a long-lasting, pleasantly disorienting effect.

Oblige-me
Oblige-me is the perfect solution for the horse that questions your every move or that has the annoying habit of doing what you say instead of what you mean. Never again will you need to explain your show ring failure on your horse’s unwillingness to respond to your indecisiveness or poor judgment. A bit o’ Oblige Me and he’ll do anything you ask him to. Absolutely anything. Because its effects can be very potent, we strongly recommend tempering Oblige-me with a healthy dose of Be Careful What You Ask For.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Ideal for the overly-compliant horse who is more interested in pleasing you than saving either of your skins. BCWYAF invokes a mild sense of suspicion, and when fed regularly may result in actual survival instinct. Works best when both horse and rider are supplemented; we recommend maximum dosage for amateur riders.

Happy Happy Joy Joy
If your horse sneers and pins his ears at your, or terrorizes his pasture mates, then Happy Happy Joy Joy is your godsend. Packed with mood boosting enzymes that target serotonin receptors, Happy Happy Joy Joy, promotes a cheerful, ‘I love you, man!’ sort of outlook. Caution: do not use on live-cover stallions, as irregular breeding behaviors have been reported. Additional reports of half-horse, half-sheep progeny remain unconfirmed.   

Calm The Hell Down
Is your horse a constant worrier? Does he see things that aren’t there and hear things that make no sound? Is his popping out poop like a panicky Pez dispenser getting on your last nerve? It could be that all he needs is a big bowl of Calm The Hell Down. CTHD is a propriety blend of vegan ingredients that produce a long-lasting sense of peacefulness. Have trouble getting your horse to take meds? Just burn some in his feed tub and let the aroma do its magic. Veterinarians: Approved for human use, CTHD is also an excellent mitigator for worst-case scenario type horse owners.

Fat Pack
Having trouble keeping weight on your horse? Is it impossible to find him in the pasture if he’s standing sideways? Tired of throwing money at extra hay, grain, corn oil and weight-building supplements? Fat Pack will bulk up even the hardest keeper in record time. It’s guaranteed to add pounds to his frame and points to his cholesterol with its patent-pending blend of saturated fats and oils. To further entice picky eaters, Fat Pack comes in three palatable flavors: Carrot Cake, New Wood Fence, and Expensive Blanket.

Lighten Up
Are you tired of being told your horse looks like salami with legs? Does the judge hand you a bun and mustard during the lineup in the conformation hunters? Do the jumps fall over when he walks in the ring? Tired of nasty letters from the Seismic Institute warning not to canter him near a faultline? Lighten Up’s unnatural stimulants boost the metabolism so those extra pounds just melt away. In no time, your horse will be a mere shadow of himself and those double-extra-wide saddletrees will be a thing of the past.

Fast Pack
Does maintaining your horse’s trot burn more calories for you than him? Are you tired of snails passing you on the rail? Does he sometimes run out of energy before you’ve even gotten the tack on? The pure sugar and caffeine in Fast Pack will have even the laziest horse buzzing like a hummingbird. Provided you can even catch him, you’ll never lose another timed jump-off again!

Slow Pack
Slow Pack will syphon the spunkiness out of your horse faster than your truck and trailer suck up diesel on an uphill haul. Within days of adding Slow Pack to his feed, you’ll be leading him down the barn aisle instead of vice versa. Discover the joy of actually getting your foot in the stirrup at the mounting block before your horse is halfway to the ring. Stop spending that extra hour lunging and go get a massage. You deserve it.

Six Pack
Is your trainer high-strung? Do you wish they could just take a chill pill and mellow out? Well, now they can. Six Pack has all the mind-altering benefits of half a dozen stout ales in an odorless, flavorless powder. Just mix it into your trainer’s morning coffee and everybody will have a good day. For particularly volatile trainers, the formulation is also available in the double-strength “Twelve Pack” variety. Works on nervous clients, too!

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A note from your national officials:

“We have reviewed the ingredients in all of these supplements for the presence of banned substances, as well as their effect on enhancing show-ring performance. Our conclusion is that they directly result in smooth, seamless performance, happy trainers, and relieved judges and stewards. Please, please keep using them. A lot.”  – name withheld by request 

After years of trying to fit in with corporate America, Jody Lynne Werner decided to pursue her true passion as a career rather than a hobby. So now, she’s an artist, graphic designer, illustrator, cartoonist, web designer, writer and humorist. You can find her work on her Misfit Designs Cafepress site. Jody is one of the winners of the Chronicle’s first writing competition. Her work also appears in the 2013 and 2014 Amateur Issue print editions of The Chronicle of the Horse

Read all of Jody’s humor columns for www.coth.com here.

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