And now, a public service announcement:

Competing in equestrian sports is inherently dangerous. In the challenging and sometimes frenzied environment of a busy horse show, there are a hundred ways to get hurt. 

I’m here to talk about one of them.

It is something that affects us all, regardless of our discipline or experience level. Namely, it’s that person at the horse show who routinely terrifies everybody. The one who goes too fast and corners too tightly. The one whose horse (and riding) is always out of control. The one who makes judges gasp and spectators cover their eyes. 

This individual goes by many names: Lunatic. Idiot. Crazy *#$@%.

Normally, this is where I would say, “You know who you are,” but—well, there’s the problem. Much of the time, these individuals don’t know who they are. They remain oblivious. They somehow survive by the skin of their teeth and never look back to see the wreckage floating in their wakes. If cats have nine lives, they have the lives of nine cats.

So, in the interest of—well, everybody—read the list below, and ask, “Does this apply to me?” Knowing is important. The life you save may be yours—or, more importantly, mine.

You Might Be A Danger To Yourself And Others At The Horse Show If… 

• Your trainer posts a public apology on social media before the show even begins.
• The horse show office won’t release your number until you’ve shown them proof of liability insurance.
• The other competitors must sign a waiver stating they are aware you are on the grounds.
• They put yellow police tape around your barn aisle at the show.
• Your class schedule is posted throughout the show grounds on bright orange “warning” posters.
• The show vet follows your horse around with a tranquilizer dart gun.
• The drug testers come around with helpful lists of substances that will keep your horse calm.
• There are so many colors of ribbons in your horse’s tail that he needs a fake tail to hold them.
• Your horse has to wear an ankle bracelet so that people can track you at all times. Your location is broadcast to a special warning feed on the showgrounds wifi network. There’s even an app you can download that will alert users when you’re within 100 feet of them. This app regularly breaks the Internet.
• Vendor Row consists mainly of trauma counselors, medical doctors and personal liability lawyers.
• Magically, the warm-up ring empties out as soon as you enter.
• The judge won’t come into the ring with you unless he’s in a shark cage.
• The farrier puts on an Iron Man costume to work on your horse.
• The announcer will not signal you to begin your ride until the medic has charged up his paddles.
• There are chalk outlines of horses and riders scattered throughout the showgrounds.
• You need more than a paramedic. You need, like, five of them.
• The jump crew makes you replace your own rails.
• Film of your horse show rounds start appearing in the Disaster Movie category on Netflix.
• The photographer can’t get a clear picture of you during your round because she is running.
• Lifeflight helicopters follow you on the cross-country course.
• The steward often insists your rounds be videotaped so the judge can go watch them from a safe distance.
• The course designer re-plans your classes to leave out the really expensive jumps.
• You are required to do your dressage test out in the back field.
• Equine insurance companies put you on their “do not call” list.
• More than one of your past trainers has had to enter the witness protection program.
• Class sponsors insist their logos be covered before you enter the ring.
• Nobody will get into the awards presentation photo with you.
• You have been locked in a porta-potty before your class more than once.
• Instead of singing the national anthem before your evening class, a flight attendant comes in to demonstrate the showgrounds’ safety features and to point out the exits. Instead of your name and number, the lighted scoreboard displays evacuation routes.
• The rest of the class is called to the center of the ring while you canter.
• Occasionally they are told to wait outside for the “all clear.”
• The producers of the reality show “I Should Have Died” approach you about doing a feature-length film.
• You start receiving prize lists that purposely list the wrong dates and locations for all the horse shows.
• A charge for “clean-up fee” appears on your show bill.
• You ask a friend for his or her opinion, hand this list to them, and they nod and shout, “Yes..yes, yes!” while reading it.