Sure, horse ownership might sound like a fast track to financial ruin, but it’s the most fiscally responsible decision you’ll make in the new year. Think of it as financial therapy—and way cheaper than years of a pompous financial planner side-eyeing your life choices.

Here’s the logic: You could keep funneling your money into retirement funds or the stock market, or you could invest in your sanity, saving big bucks in the long run. Confused? Don’t worry, I’ll break down the cost savings for you.

Ben & Jerry’s: If you can’t drown your sorrows in a leisurely hack on your horse, you’ll likely drown in calorie-laden, costly pints of ice cream. A pint of Phish Food is a whopping $7! Without a horse, if you have a crappy work week, bad break-up, and/or hormonal fluctuations, that daily dose of Chunky Monkey or Half-Baked accrues. Horse ownership would therefore save you approximately $140 per week in ice cream, not to mention the added benefit of lower cholesterol. It is a win-win!

Personal Trainer: Do your friends drop big money to tone jiggly legs, booty and core? Who needs a personal trainer if you own a horse? You’ve got built-in motivation. Every ride, you are strengthening and toning without requiring someone named Hans screaming, “Ten more burpees!” Instead, you can maintain your svelte physique by doing ten laps of the indoor sans stirrups. Siri says that the average cost of a personal trainer varies $30-80 a pop, depending on where you reside. Look at all that moola your horse is saving you! Sorry, Hans.

Bail And Other Arrest-Related Expenses: This one is tricky to quantify because the cost savings varies on the severity of offense. But, I swear, horses make you less likely to end up in the slammer. You know when you want to bash a baseball bat through your cheating ex’s window or strangle your co-worker? You are less likely to act on those impulses with the stress-reducing love of a horse in your life. Indulge in a horse-hugging, treat-feeding sesh instead of committing misdemeanor vandalism. 

As an aside, if no one bails you out, jail time can get as pricey as paying board. Phone calls, commissary, bribery, it all adds up!  And even if you get off easy, court-mandated anger-management classes are not nearly as effective—or enjoyable—as heading to the barn for a trail ride.

Worst-case scenario: If you do hard time, your horse will be happily waiting for you upon release. Horses can’t read your rap sheet anyway. 

Gambling Habit: Though I can’t provide an exact dollar amount, this vice is no bueno. Hitting the poker tables may be tempting to deal with life stressors, but not for you! You can get the same thrill gambling without chips: Will you get bucked off on a gusty day?  Will your horse stay sound? If you are going to flit away your retirement or take out a second mortgage, use said money wisely. Spending on horses is more justifiable than a night in Vegas. 

Alcohol Consumption: The financial ramifications of this habit vary depending on your preferred poison. Are you a six-pack or Moet drinker? Do you prefer dive bars or piano bars, and are you a big tipper? Though I’m not proposing that horses will completely replace that glass of Merlot, I am certain horses will decrease your consumption, thus decreasing your spending. 

The need to get to the barn by 6 a.m. to horse show will quickly curb your urge to chug a whole box of wine the night prior. Weekend lesson? No one wants to tell their trainer they can’t see a distance because a mariachi band is wedged in their hungover brain. The threat of your trainer’s vitriol will make you thriftier in the long run!  

Shopping Sprees: Again, this one depends on your preferences, but the money adds up.  It doesn’t matter if you opt for Amazon or Louie V, you are still spending to fill a cavernous void in your heart. Horses will fill this hole for you. Plus, if you do have a minor spree-setback, you will purchase useful items like bits and saddle pads for your collection, rather than another purse that will live in the depths of your closet.

Therapy: This one is a doozy. Cost varies depending on frequency, and your copay, but the good news is that horses are never out of network! Amazingly, therapy is a free perk of paying board. An hour at the barn is an hour spent with the most qualified therapist, your equine. Imagine the savings! 

Your horse also minimizes the therapy required by the rest of your family members. Since horse life elicits the best version of you, loved ones are less likely to need therapy because you will be on your best behavior. Look how responsible and self-aware you are, you horse owner, you! I’m so proud!

Couples Counseling: There is no need to work on your relationship if you own horses. If your partner puts up with your horse habit, you can overlook his/her obsession with foot pics or Pokémon. Ultimately, you will be less miserable to live with if you periodically flee to the barn. Imagine all that money you would shove right into the counselor’s pocket that you can now stash away to cover a vet bill or purchase a custom saddle.  

Divorce: See above. Plus, I hear divorces can be very expensive and uncomfortable. Multiple divorces… even worse (unless you get more horses out of the deal, then it’s worth considering). By investing in horses, you will prevent the cost and aggravation of Splitsville. A happy (horse-owning) wife equals a happy life!

Miscellaneous Expenditures: Horses will suck most of your time in the best way possible, leaving minimal time for other pricey activities. Vacations? Who wants to go to Tahiti when it means leaving your horse? Sundays at the spa? No time for that. You can sip a mimosa while watching your horse get chiro, still saving in the long run. Manicures? Who needs those when your nails are perpetually ragged and broken? Instead of dropping that cash weekly, you will merely spend money every six to eight weeks on your horse’s mani-pedi. Romantic dates? Don’t fret! You can still make time for quality bonding time in the drive-through line at Chick-Fil-A. 

Based on the evidence presented, investing in horses is a wise financial strategy. College funds, 401(k) plans, and the like sound great in theory, but aren’t we constantly told it’s essential to live in the moment? Screw the future. Prioritize your mental health. Ensure your New Year’s resolution is to spend money on horses! 

And my final words of wisdom to ring in 2025, if you only own one horse, imagine how much you could save by owning two or more! Go forth and keep collecting. You are welcome.   

Jamie Sindell has an MFA in creative writing from the University of Arizona and has ridden and owned hunters on and off throughout her life. She is a mom of five kids, ages 3 to 14. She and her family reside at Wish List Farm, where her horse-crazy girls play with their small pony, Cupcake, and her son and husband play with the tractor.