I’d been itching to write a fun type of Commentary that I hadn’t written in quite a while, when a friend suggested last month that it was time to do it again. With that encouragement, here we go with a story fabricated entirely from the names of horses that have appeared recently right here in the results of the Chronicle:

“This Just In,” intoned the reporter from the Eyewitness news, “General Jackson, the Caped Crusader, the Blue Eyed Bandito, along with their Navigator, and the diabolical Mini Me, have hijacked the Polar Express. They’re believed to be heading Far From Home, and there’s no question that, if they ever get caught, they’ll be Guilty As Charged.”

The people of Whoville knew that there was no reason to Call The Cops, because in this Millenium, at best they were Gonna Get A Spankin.

No, what they really needed was a Woman Warrior. But Betty Boop wasn’t available because she’d been engaged in, well, some Absolutely Sinful activity.

You see, at the moment that the bad guys showed up in Whoville, Betty Boop was off enjoying a Beach Romance with a Blind Date, carrying a month’s supply of Toblerone. She’d cashed in her Lottery Ticket and quit her Day Job to pursue a career in Striptease, and then she’d left in a Stretch Limousine with the object of her Heart’s Desire. “This is like being on Cloud Nine,” she told her Pen Pal. They were even thinking of heading to Hollywood.

Her crime-solving partner, Annie Oakley, was ready for action, but even she couldn’t handle the job all by herself. Besides, even though Annie Oakley was Truly A Babe, it turned out that she’d Never Been Kissed! It didn’t matter to her, though, because she considered crime solving to be even Better Than Chocolate, and she swore she had “No Regrets.”

With half the crime-solving duo out of action, the world turned to City Boy and City Girl, the heroes of the Manhattan Skyline. But they even were hard to find. They’d decided to take a Coffee Break and enjoy a One Egg Omelet with Tobasco, after Jeeves, their assistant, had given them a restaurant tip from an Anonymous source. They thought they were in Almost Heaven, until an Attaché ¡rrived with a request from Special Ed to go straight to Foggy Bottom to stop the Polar Express from causing a Tsunami.

It was Nearly Dark when City Boy and City Girl called Bucky Dent, the legendary New York Yankees shortstop, for some extra help. By Pure Luck he wasn’t In The Game, which had been postponed to a Night Game on a Rain Date. Bucky Dent suggested they hire Eminem to do the Lambada and then host a Parade with No Limit. He thought this might distract General Jackson, the Caped Crusader, the Blue Eyed Bandito, their Navigator, and Mini Me, so that then they could stuff them into a Jukebox and send them Overseas.

“Bodacious!” exclaimed the hip-hop star, who thought it would be fun to be back in the Footlights, even though he’d be there on Strictly Business. Still he wondered, “Can You Fathom This?” (Not if you’ve heard his music!)

It turned out, though, that the trio’s plan was so complicated that only Einstein could have understood how to arrange the Costly Fun. Ultimately, the citizens could only wish the criminals Bon Voyage as they set sail with their own Sea Captain for Kingston, or maybe Catmandu.

“Holy Smokes! What Was I Thinkin?” Eminem asked, as he and Mr. Bojangles, the Perfect Gentleman, flew off, far, far Above The Crowd.