Welcome back to our advice column, Ask Stable Sage, where we answer queries from readers about horse- and life-related issues, especially where the two intersect. Take our suggestions with a grain of salt, or at least one sugar cube. This column is intended for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. 

Have a question for Stable Sage? Email it to coth.advice@gmail.com. We reserve the right to edit your submission for clarity and length, and we promise to keep it anonymous. 

Dear Stable Sage,

Last summer I bought a horse from a teenager heading off to college. He’s been a great match for me and my low-key showing goals. I promised to keep in touch, and she clearly took that to heart. Maybe too much.

She comments on every social post I make about him, often with suggestions I didn’t ask for. She also used to board at my barn and still has friends there who seem to be keeping her updated, because she mentions things I haven’t posted publicly.

Over school breaks, I’ve let her ride him after she dropped a few heavy hints. Now she’s back for the summer and hitting me up again. 

I want to be kind. I understand he meant a lot to her. But … he’s my horse now. How do I set boundaries without being the bad guy?

The New Girl

Dear New Girl,

It’s a lovely thing to inherit a horse and a support fan club, but at the same time this horse is yours now. The sale didn’t come with a shared custody agreement. And while it’s sweet for a former owner to care, it doesn’t give her veto power over your training decisions or a recurring summer lease. 

Let’s start with the unsolicited advice on social media. Annoying, sure, but it only has as much power as you give it. Can you swat it away like a horsefly? Or hide her comments. Poof. If they really get under your skin, never underestimate the power of a strategic social media filter. Most platforms let you limit post visibility without a dramatic unfollow or block, so you can keep sharing those great pictures without them becoming a group project.

Now for the IRL bit. You were kind to let her visit and even ride him during her school breaks, but it sounds like that invitation created expectation. It’s not too late to redraw the lines, though. Try something like: “I’ve really appreciated your care for him, and it’s clear he means a lot to you. That said, I’m focusing on building our own partnership now, and I won’t be offering outside rides this summer.”

If she pushes back or plays the guilt card, remember this: It’s not unkind to have boundaries. It’s unkind to ignore your own comfort in the name of keeping someone else happy.

As for the barn spies—er, friends—it might be worth a quiet word there too. Try: “I know you’re close with his previous owner, but I’d appreciate it if updates about us stayed within the barn. It’s important to me that this feels like a fresh start.”

Keep in mind, if she still has connections there, she could just start showing up. Not necessarily with bad intentions. Maybe just to “say hi,” drop off treats, or linger ringside while you’re riding. If that starts happening and it’s interfering with your own barn time, you may have to skip the soft script and go for the honest truth: “I know you care about him, but this is making me uncomfortable. I need some space to build my own relationship with this horse, without feeling watched or second-guessed.” Is it fun to say that? Nope. But it’s better than letting resentment fester until it explodes. 

Also, since we’re being honest, this might also be a moment to check in with yourself. Is part of what’s bothering you rooted in your own insecurity or a fear that you’re not doing “enough” with him? That maybe she’d be better at riding him, or knows him more deeply? 

Reminder: You don’t have to prove anything to anyone—not to her, not to your barnmates, not to the algorithm. Your relationship with this horse is valid because it’s yours. It’s allowed to look different than his past, and it’s allowed to evolve on your timeline.

At the end of the day, good horse-keeping includes protecting not just your horse’s wellbeing, but your own. You’ve handled this situation with grace; just remember that you’re allowed to set your own fencelines and, when necessary, close gates.