Dear Santa Hoss,

As you know, humans are conditioned from a young age to suddenly improve their behavior come Dec. 1, hoping that your long-term memory is shakier than Christmas carols suggest. It is, of course, preposterous that they should really believe poor behavior 11 months out of the year is enough to merit the presents they find under the tree, but childhood beliefs die hard.

Since the concept of good behavior rewards and Santa is so ingrained in Humans’ brains (even among adults), I had hoped when we began working together several years ago, that you could help me influence my Human to behave herself better in the bleak days of winter. I am pleased to say it seems to have worked marginally well. Our partnership has resulted in educational gifts for her, such as a CoreBlaster Extreme, and a well-deserved supply of cookies for me.

This year, Santa, I am writing with an air of selflessness. Rather than requesting the presents I clearly deserve, I am dedicating this space to editing the Human’s Christmas list. The House Cat knocked it off her desk and sent me an inventory, and I have to say, that Biped just doesn’t know what’s good for her.

Santa, we can do better.

• Nice sweaters. The Human’s winter barn outerwear makes it look like a giant potato is rolling out to bring me in from my paddock. Surely you know where to get something a little more flattering. Could you find something in a bright color too, so it’s easier to spot her when she rolls out of the saddle and disappears into the burrs at the back of my paddock?
• Ballet flats. No way, lady. Please don’t view this as tattling Santa, but she totally skipped out on NoStirrupNovember, and she’s got to make up the leg workout somewhere. Stilettos all the way—she’ll adapt or perish.
• Some really good novels for lazy Sunday mornings. Just because she’s not at the barn doesn’t mean her studies are over. I suggest you load her up with all the dressage classics, and anything in the “fitness for riders” genre. U.S. Pony Clubs manual may be a good place to start, too.
• French chocolates. Gatorade packets. To replenish all the salts I anticipate she will be sweating off come summertime.
• A nice new purse. When it comes to leather goods, I think a new bridle is really a better choice. For her. So she doesn’t have to oil the hand-me-down jumper bridle as much.
• Talking George Morris doll. Right on. I like to think of him as an extension of myself and my instruction, because he doesn’t hold back when it comes to criticism constructive criticism.
• New cookware for the kitchen. No. The kitchen is the last place she needs to be. Swap those copper pots for dumbbells.

Write-Ins

• Bit warmers. This would avoid the shoulder strain brought on by trying to lift the frozen bit to my mouth, which can sometimes suddenly be 10 feet off the ground.
• A new lint screen for her dryer. From what I hear, it’s not working so well since the last time my polos went through it during shedding season. Oops.

Catch up with all of Jitterbug’s previous Letters To Santa…
From 2016
From 2015
From 2014
From 2013
From 2012

Jitterbug is a Michigan-bred Professional Draft Cross who skillfully avoided saddles until age 5. Since then, she has been lauded for her talent in successfully managing humans while training herself to one day achieve eventing greatness. Jitter and her human live in central Kentucky. Read all of Jitter’s COTH columns. Follow Jitterbug on Facebook! Photo by Dark Horse Photography.