Friday, Feb. 7, 2025

I’m Stuck At 3’ And Every Lesson Feels Like Groundhog Day. Is My Trainer Gatekeeping? 

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Welcome back to our advice column, Ask Stable Sage, where we answer queries from readers about horse- and life-related issues, especially where the two intersect. Take our suggestions with a grain of salt, or at least one sugar cube. This column is intended for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. 

Have a question for Stable Sage? Email it to coth.advice@gmail.com. We reserve the right to edit your submission for clarity and length, and we promise to keep it anonymous. Please don’t send us questions better intended for your trainer or veterinarian.

Dear Stable Sage,

I’ve been riding at 3′ for a while now, and I’m totally comfortable and competent at this height. TBH, I’m bored. My mare has plenty of scope to do more, and I feel ready to push myself, but my trainer won’t set the jumps higher. Not even one. Not even in a grid. If I bring it up, she reminds me of that rail I had two weeks ago or some distance I missed—things that feel small and nitpicky. Nobody’s perfect, right? Even Olympians have off days.

I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else going on. My trainer used to be a pretty high level jumper but now focuses mostly on green horses and riders. Could it bother her that I’m ready to move up while she’s stuck hopping crossrails on babies? I hate thinking that way, but I can’t shake the feeling.

And before you say it: I know I should get a second opinion, but my trainer always has an excuse for why doing a clinic is a bad idea. Like how it might mess with our system, or I’m just not ready yet. At this point, it feels like she’s gatekeeping, and I can’t tell if it’s for my benefit or her ego.

I’m stuck and feel like I’ll be circling this same 3′ course forever. Is it me? Is it her? What the heck is going on here?

Stuck At 3’


Dear Stuck At 3’, 

Feeling stuck in your riding—whether there’s a valid reason or not—is frustrating. Let’s break this thing down. 

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Is it you? (A little self-reflection never hurt anyone.)

Let’s be honest: Oftentimes trainers do have a point, even if it feels nitpicky. If you’re consistently making mistakes at 3′, your trainer may genuinely believe you need to polish up before moving to 3’3″. It’s annoying but one thousand percent worth examining what skill gaps you may need to address. The higher the jumps, the less margin for error, and those small mistakes could become costly at the next level.

Ask your trainer for specific, measurable goals. For example: “I want to move up to 3’3”. What do I need to show you to make that happen?” A good trainer will appreciate your initiative and give you a plan.

That said, perfection isn’t the goal. Everyone, even the pros, have hiccups. The real question is: Are those mistakes happening constantly, or are they occasional blips? If they’re rare, and you’re feeling strong and confident, it might not be about your readiness.

Is it your trainer? (Here are red flags to watch for.)

The fact that she won’t let you take clinics with other trainers is … let’s just say it … a little sus. Good trainers want to see their students grow, even if it means bringing in fresh eyes to help. The best trainers encourage clinics because they know collaboration improves everyone.

But let’s also be real: Occasionally trainers do feel threatened. If your trainer is holding you back because of her own baggage (e.g., she’s insecure about her current place in the horse world), that’s not your problem to fix. 

Consider approaching her like this: “I’d love to take a clinic with [insert name] because I think it’ll help me gain new perspectives and build on the great work we’re already doing together.” Reassure her: “I’m committed to our partnership. This clinic is just a way for me to grow as a rider.”

If she still shuts it down? That’s a big red flag. Trainers who act possessive instead of collaborative usually aren’t prioritizing your best interests.

Get a second opinion (even if it feels awkward).

Here’s the thing: This is your riding journey, not your trainer’s. You’re paying for her guidance, not her control. If you’re feeling stuck, it’s reasonable to seek a fresh perspective.

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If outright asking for a clinic isn’t working, consider a creative way to get a second opinion. One option is to try a “virtual lesson”—yes, they’re a thing! Find a reputable trainer who offers online feedback and send them an unedited video of your ride (mistakes and all). Be upfront about your goals, and let them assess where you’re at. Whether they confirm you’re ready for 3’3” or point out areas that need work, you’ll gain valuable insight to guide your next steps.

That said, let me be abundantly clear: This is not about sidestepping your trainer to find someone who will tell you what you want to hear. That kind of enabling—where trainers allow riders to jump levels they aren’t prepared for—is a dangerous pattern in our sport, and it often ends poorly for both horse and rider. What we’re doing here is about seeking objective, constructive feedback to better understand where you stand and how to move forward safely and confidently.

Check your long-term goals.

What do you really want out of your riding? If you dream of moving up and competing at higher levels, and you’ve ticked all of the boxes but your trainer still isn’t on board, this may be the moment to rethink the partnership. A great trainer will help you grow, challenge you, and support your goals—even if it means letting you outgrow them. It’s very possible that your trainer just doesn’t feel comfortable coaching beyond a certain level, and that’s why she keeps pumping the brakes. 

Have an honest conversation with yourself: Is your current trainer the person to help you reach your goals? Are you staying out of loyalty, habit, or fear of change?

It’s OK to outgrow a trainer. It doesn’t mean they’re bad, and it doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It just means you’re ready for more.

The bottom line:

You’re not wrong to feel frustrated. Whether it’s through better communication with your current trainer, getting a fresh perspective from someone else, or making a bigger change, you deserve to ride—well, and SAFELY!—at a level that challenges and excites you.

Remember: This is your riding journey, but progress works best as a team effort. If you’ve communicated openly and still feel stuck, it’s OK to explore other options. Growth happens when riders and trainers work together toward shared goals—don’t be afraid to advocate for yours.

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