Dear Horse Show Management:

I would like to propose a new division to be held at your horse show. You offer long stirrup hunter, pre-adult hunter, novice adult hunter, novice adult equitation, pre-novice adult hunter and many other imaginative divisions that attract newcomers to our sport. That’s all well and good, but what about those of us who have been members of the horse show community for years, supporting the industry with our time, money, and sweat equity?

We are the hardy souls who have spent our time in the trenches, and, in our golden years, we should be given special recognition. Restricting classes with those inviting little fences to newbies is nothing but blatant ageism. Lots of riders can swan into a special adult class, wearing the latest Grand Prix coat and Tailored Sportsman breeches, still slim and supple, and look up and pose over 2’6″.

But what about those of us who carry around memories of how hard the ground can be? Or thoughts about how fences mysteriously shift around the ring (as in “I did too see the distance?the fence must have moved”)? Marvel at how the mounting block has gotten lower? (Probably the ground settled.) Or, worst of all, can’t take a deep breath because one’s jacket is too tight? Drat that dry cleaner! No slender, firm-chinned, wrinkle-free, “pre-adult” has this baggage, and it’s a burden to lug around a course, I’ll tell you.

For myself, in my 20s, I did the amateur-owners whenever I could. In my 30s, there seemed to be too much space between the top of a 3’6″ oxer and the ground, so I switched to the adults. I existed there happily for quite some time, juggling grad school, family, and job. However, after a particularly long lay-off, I looked at a jump closely, and damn it all, if there wasn’t too much air between its back rail and the dirt, again! What to do?

A few diehard buddies and I decided that there was a need for a division that gives a gracious nod to the rusty, the creaky, and the nearsighted. We can’t in all honesty sneak into the pre-adults or novice equitation to seek out those friendly little fences. The specials and modifieds are free-for-alls, with absolutely no consideration given to old warhorses, pun intended. (Besides, “special adult” sounds like we ride the short bus, and “modified adult” gives me the creeps–I always feel the need to count my fingers in case I’ve been genetically altered without my knowledge). No, there has to be a class specifically for those of us who have been there, done that, and can’t do it anymore.

Therefore, we would like to suggest the creation of a new division, perhaps called the post-adult division. We thought about calling it the adult amateur emeritus division but decided that appellation conveyed too much pressure. Stress, even implied, is not good for aging systems. “Post-adult division” is honest, down-to-earth (please not literally), and no-frills–just like us. It’s also more dignified than old farts division, fossils over fences, or retreads, all possibilities that were mentioned.

We recommend the following rider specifications:

1. Must have proof that one has been legal for more than 20 years.
2. Must produce an affidavit showing that rider has competed in the 3-foot division within the last 10 years.
3. Must have documentation from a real doctor, attesting to treatment for two or more of the following:
a. concussion
b. broken bone(s)
c. psychiatric evaluation
d. . extensive dental reconstruction
e. multiple broken nails
4. Must be at least 10 pounds over weight.
5. Must be able to look a trainer, spouse, or friend straight in the eye and say, “Nunh-unh,” “nowayjose,” “ain’t gonna happen in your lifetime,” “get real,” or produce some other definitive negative statement when queried about the possibility of entering a 3-foot class.

Now we are going to play fair here.

These are to be real classes. There will be no mulligans, no do-overs, no “but-my-bootlace-broke” excuses. No trotting lead changes, no picking and choosing fences, and no Gatorade breaks on course. Trainers are not allowed to use flash cards. We’ve all done it the right way and bear the scars to prove it. We are like old soldiers who can barely lift the flag but persevere to the front line, gallant, brave, and indomitable.

We would also like to make this division festive, relaxed, and positive, and submit these ideas for your review:

1. Lavish trophies and ribbons should be given, accompanied by nips of exotic liqueurs for all riders. It might be a nice gesture to offer these to trainers as well. They probably could use them.
2. Ben-Gay, arnica, Absorbine, and valerian root should be made available at the in-gate for all riders and horses.
3. Applause should be required for every round, regardless of its execution. After all, the Grim Reaper has been thwarted yet again.
4. A special, regulated, warm-up area must be provided. (Personally, I quit doing general warm-ups around the time I started scratching out the “W” number on the back of my Levis.)
5. Braids should be replaced by mandatory grabstraps.
6. Most importantly, classes must be scheduled right after lunch. We seniors need time to let our Celebrex kick in, but on the other hand, we can get crabbywhen the cocktail hour is delayed.

Show management needn’t worry about this division lengthening an already packed schedule, either. I can guarantee the classes will be small. There aren’t many of us, you know–most all of our colleagues have either smartened up or died. The viable, intelligent horse lovers can be found in the sponsor’s tent, ordering mimosas, wearing real jewelry, and sporting pretty shoes (or pressed linen slacks, and ties
bearing little nautical flags, as the case may be).

They are all enjoying their outing, the weather, the conversation, the ambiance, and best of all, looking good and smelling sweet at a horse-related event. I know for a fact that the ones who have an extra gleam in their eyes are getting a slightly sadistic pleasure out of watching the riders wallow about in the mud, the blood, and the tears. However, we, horse-showing’s most loyal supporters, will still be in the ring, albeit downpour, heat wave, snow flurries, mud bath, or tropical humidity. We hope that you will honor our continuing devotion.

Thank you for your attention