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January 11, 2013

The Boat He'll Never Have: Funny Things The Non-Horsey Say

"I see you riding on stacks of hundred dollar bills. You canter by and leave a trail of spent hundred dollar bills in your wake.” Non-horsey spouses sometimes have an interesting take on horse sports.

Ever have a co-worker ask, “How was your race?” after a weekend of showing dressage? Does your non-horsey husband refer to your horse’s fly mask as a blindfold or scarf? You’re definitely not alone. Posters on the Chronicle’s online forums started an amusing thread sharing what their non-horsey significant others, family members and friends say about their hobby.

• My husband, in a very endearing voice, once asked me, “Do you know what I see when I watch you ride?” I prepared myself for some profoundly sweet response. 

And then he said, “I see you riding on stacks of hundred dollar bills. You canter by and leave a trail of spent hundred dollar bills in your wake.”

My romantic fantasy ended abruptly. 

Kelly Williams 
Coatesville, Pa.


• I was in the middle of one of my horsey filibusters, and my boyfriend felt like trying to add to the one-sided conversation. He put on a semi-snooty voice and in all seriousness said, “We’ll be entering in the amateur hunter-gatherer division.”

He paused, frowned and realized that wasn’t quite right. He’ll catch on soon enough.

Kate MacDonald 
Greensboro, Ga.
 

• I was riding in the show ring, and as I passed my husband on the rail I overheard him telling a guy next to him, “She’s riding the boat I’ll never have!”

Martha Gagne Baity
Washington, D.C.


• My husband always calls the Chronicle CHRONO FORCE in this super dramatic, monster-truck announcer voice.

Heather Smith-Way 
Evansville, Wisc.


• My husband caught sight of an issue of Practical Horseman and exclaimed “Practical Horseman? Practical?!? That’s an oxymoron!”

Sarah Reschly
Fox River Grove, Ill.


• We were expecting a semen delivery but had to go out, so I left a note for FedEx on the front door. As we were getting into the car, my husband read the note and raised an eyebrow. “Are you really going to leave that note?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I responded, wondering what the problem was. We got in the car, drove off, and every once in a while he exploded laughing.

Here’s what I’d written:
“Dear FedEx Man,
If I am not here, please leave semen on doorstep.”

It took me some time to figure out why my husband kept laughing.

“What I found out later was that the FedEx driver took my note back to the depot, and it was stuck up on the bulletin board!” Rogers added.

Gail Parker Rogers 
Brantford, Ontario


• At a show, a friend handed her horse off to her husband with instructions to “just hand-graze him” while she ran off to use the porta-potty. When she came back, apparently the husband was ripping up handfuls of grass and offering them up like horse treats.

Monika Havelka
Hamilton, Ontario


• My husband has always referred to The Chronicle of the Horse as “The Chronicle of the Nag.”

Mary Kane Scholz 
Ruxton, Md.


• I always assume my husband just tunes me out when I start chatting about the horses. So he really surprised me one evening when I was complaining about feeling stiff and he suggested I do some “carrot stretches!”

Lynn Tetenbaum 
Oakland, Calif.


• I asked my mom to hand me Dutch’s bell boots the other day, and she said, “Those are his feet hats, right?”

Anna Horowitz 
Bethesda, Md.


• After returning home from a horse show, I get asked, “What color receipts I won that day.” (I.e., the ribbon is just a colored copy of the bill.)

Austin Smith
Grand Junction, Colo.


• My husband thinks the babies that win at the hunter breeding shows are “clearly the ones that are the most bulbous and smooth.”

Karen Severns
Mount Airy, Md.

If you enjoyed this article and would like to read more, consider subscribing to the Chronicle. This article appeared in the July 16, 2012 issue.