At some point, as a quality professional horseperson, you’re going to get invited to a Black Tie Affair. I think this is hilarious. Our clients are the kinds of classy people who have classy soirees; we are the kind of people who think Danskos are formalwear.
Having been The Horsey Girl since I was, you know, 10, I missed out on the part of a young woman’s life where you learn how to put on eye shadow or pick a pair of pumps. (I think I was mucking stalls at the time.) So at 25, I received an invitation to attend a fundraiser for a wonderful local environmental group, hosted at one of my client’s homes. “Of course I’ll come!” I said, while my mind is going, “ohmygodohmygodohmygod what do I do?”
I survived the affair with a little help from my friends, and as I face the same Impending Dress-Up-Related Doom for this weekend’s Commonwealth Dressage & Combined Training Association awards banquet, I wanted to share what I learned for all those other lost souls like me.
STEP 1: GET THEE TO DRESS BARN
Every mall in America has one. It’s a deceptive store. On the outside, they’ve got a collection of suits and separates that may or may not include shoulder pads. Fear not. Inside, they have an extensive selection of dresses that are a) flattering to every figure, even those of us who wrangle big ol’ warmbloods; b) made of stretchy fabrics that don’t need to get dry cleaned or iron; and c) very cheap.
Remember when purchasing said dress that for at least six months out of the year you will be sporting some variation on a theme of the Polo Shirt Tan. V necklines are your friend.
STEP 2: FIND A MAKEUP CONSULTANT WHO LOOKS LIKE YOUR GRANDMOTHER
Not one of the ones with blue eye shadow up to their wigline. One of the cool, edgy ones with a sculpted pixie-cut and dangly earrings. The reason you want one of these grandmotherly ladies and not someone under the age of 30 is because you don’t want her to laugh when you say the following:
“Hi. I’m 25 years old, and I don’t know how to put makeup on. Like, at all. Also, I can barely dress myself. Help me. Please.”
Grandmothers—even hip ones—will not laugh at you in your time of girly need.
STEP 3: CALL LISA
Lisa is a student of mine from my Chicago days. She also runs Lisa Rene Salon in Naperville, Ill. One part stylish, one part horse person. She speaks both languages fluently.
Thank. God.
Me: “Lisa, I need an updo that I can execute.”
Lisa: “No problem. Do you have some rollers?”
Me: “…”
Lisa: “Ok. What about a curling iron?”
Me: “…”
Lisa: “Blow dryer, rubber band and bobby pins?”
Me: Whew! “Yes! I can handle those!”
Lisa: “Hairspray?”
Me: “Isn’t that stuff flammable?! Why would you want that near the blow dryer?!”
Lisa: (sound of a well-coifed blonde head banging against the wall)
After several deep calming breaths, Lisa made me two YouTube videos depicting way-cute styles so easy the Geico caveman could do it. This means it took me a few tries, but I eventually got it right.
And that’s it! Now you just need to read the front page of the New York Times so you can talk about something other than horses. Yes, Virginia, we trainers do actually know a thing or two besides our profession…just don’t ask us what kind of pantyhose we’re wearing.
(And by the way, those hose? You can use them to polish your boots the next day.)
