Question: A horse in our barn died this week, very unexpectedly. I’m not really close with the boarder, but I feel really bad and want to do or say something. Any suggestions?

Answer: Yikes. Many of us have lived through this one, including Jennie Brannigan, who recently lost her beloved mount Cooper. A lot of things fall into the “don’t” category—things not to do or say to someone who has lost or is in the process of losing a horse.

People are naturally concerned and curious when there’s a vet in the barn attending to a critically ill equine. But try to be inconspicuous and encourage other people, especially children, to do the same. Hanging around, asking “How’s it going?” or even “Anything I can do to help?” can be a real distraction and unsettling to a horse owner who is likely struggling to make hard decisions and hold her emotions in check. If you see other people lurking, approach them and say, “Let’s give them some privacy, OK?” I’d even go so far as to tell other non-horsey moms and dads, “Please tell Meredith to stay out of that side of the aisle. Susan and the vets need some privacy right now.”

Once a horse has passed, the owner will likely be in a state of semi-shock. Expressing your condolences verbally is fine and appropriate, just don’t drag her into a long conversation.

The next time you see her say, “I’m really sorry about your horse. He was amazing.” Follow up with a card, hand-written note or even an email letting the owner know that she is in your thoughts. Don’t bring up the loss every time you see the owner. An occasional “How are you doing?” is fine, but give her some space if you sense she needs it. If she does initiate a conversation about it, try to do less talking and lots of listening. Avoid comments such as “Are you going to get another horse soon?” or “It was probably for the best.” Or “At least he isn’t suffering anymore.” I can tell you first hand that those statements do not sooth. The owner may say it, but she doesn’t want to hear it from others. If you’re worried about saying something that might offend, just stick with, “He was a great horse. I am so sorry for your loss.”

A group gift or card from boarders (or an individual gift or card) is a very appropriate gesture that is sure to be appreciated. I’ve seen engraved planters, a special tree planted at the barn with a memorial plaque, flowers or a plant, or even a group donation to an equine rescue in memory of the horse warm the heart of a heart-broken horse lover many times.

When our pony died in a freak accident, our trainer took care of the burial—a blessing for which I am still grateful. She gave my daughter a beautiful bracelet made from a lock of the pony’s tail. That took my breath away. Years later, my daughter still cherishes it. When this trainer lost a horse of her own, I made her a meal, knowing that food preparation was the last thing on her mind.

Finally, remember that grief has no expiration date. Even months later, you may find this person hurting over her loss. Be aware that even if it doesn’t show, that pain may be just below the surface.

So follow your heart—it doesn’t matter that you may not know this person very well, don’t let that stop you from letting her know you care.

Please let me know how you’ve comforted someone who’s lost a horse. Or tell me about what those around you did for you when your horse passed.

If you’ve got a barn manners question, send me an email (Elizabeth@sheridesIpay.com) or post it here on the COTH forum.