Welcome back to our advice column, Ask Stable Sage, where we answer queries from readers about horse- and life-related issues, especially where the two intersect. Take our suggestions with a grain of salt, or at least one sugar cube. This column is intended for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. 

Have a question for Stable Sage? Email it to coth.advice@gmail.com. We reserve the right to edit your submission for clarity and length, and we promise to keep it anonymous. 

Dear Stable Sage,

I’m an eventer wrestling with a tough decision. My mare is my bestie, and I adore her. She’s a ballerina in dressage and never has a rail in show jumping. But on cross-country, we have one big, dark, gaping issue: ditches. They’re her absolute nemesis.

I can usually, eventually coax her over ditches while schooling, but every time we get to one on course she slams on the brakes. She’s put me IN the ditch multiple times, seriously shaking my confidence and probably traumatizing her a little bit too. After ruling out eyesight or a physical problem, I spent two years trying everything, including getting help from multiple five-star riders. I even called an animal communicator (who mainly gushed about how much my mare says she loves me, which honestly just makes me feel sadder).

The idea of selling her fills me with guilt. It feels like losing a close friend because she doesn’t match my competitive goals. I’ve considered changing disciplines or stepping back from competition, but eventing is truly my passion. Am I selfish for thinking about moving on? How can I do this without feeling awful?

Sincerely,
99 Problems And A Ditch Is Every One

Dear 99 Problems,

First off, let’s clarify something important: Considering your safety, goals and your horse’s comfort is exactly what good horsemanship is all about. Far from terrible, you’re demonstrating real thoughtfulness and responsibility.

Eventing demands trust, bravery and partnership. It sounds like you’ve left no stone unturned in trying to help your mare overcome her ditch-phobia. The hard truth is that not every horse is suited for every task, and it doesn’t make her—or you—any less amazing. 

Some things to keep in mind: 

Safety matters. Repeat this to yourself. I don’t care if it’s Badminton’s Vicarage Vee or a barely-there faux-divot, the risk of landing repeatedly in ditches isn’t just frustrating; it’s dangerous. Respecting your limits is crucial. 

Recognize the mismatch. Your mare sounds super-talented in dressage and show jumping—she could be a dream horse for someone in those disciplines. Selling her isn’t giving up; it’s offering her a chance at a happier, less stressful life.

Give yourself some grace. You’ve given her every chance, and this isn’t a decision made lightly. You aren’t abandoning her; you’re thoughtfully positioning her for success in a discipline better suited to her abilities.

Be intentional in finding the right home. Knowing she’s thriving elsewhere will help ease your sadness. Yes, it will take some adjustment—she might look at you with hearts in her eyes, but she can build that bond again with someone new.

Honor your journey. Your experiences together matter, and it sounds like you’ve shared more highs than lows. Celebrate what you’ve accomplished together, the lessons learned, and the resilience gained. You can carry those experiences forward with gratitude. Make a scrapbook, throw a farewell party at the barn—it might get emotional, but marking closure will help your heart heal.

Stay in touch. Request updates from the new owner. Write a first-right-of-refusal clause into the contract. Be the first to “like” their selfies on social media. Go cheer them on at shows. I speak from experience when I say there’s (almost) nothing more fun than being a beloved horse’s proud godmother at the in-gate. 

Ultimately, a relationship is a relationship, whether human or horse, and moving forward doesn’t diminish what you’ve shared together. Allow yourself the emotional space to grieve this chapter while looking forward with hope. Both of you deserve happiness and fulfillment in your chosen paths.