Welcome back to our advice column, Ask Stable Sage, where we answer queries from readers about horse- and life-related issues, especially where the two intersect. Take our suggestions with a grain of salt, or at least one sugar cube. This column is intended for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. 

Have a question for Stable Sage? Email it to coth.advice@gmail.com. We reserve the right to edit your submission for clarity and length, and we promise to keep it anonymous. 

Dear Stable Sage,

I’m an adult ammy who has picked up on the fact that one of my barnmates is having a thing with our trainer. The flirty vibes are undeniable. And when we’re on the road, I’m 99.9% sure they’re ending up in each other’s hotel rooms. 

We’re all grown adults roughly the same age, so at least there’s that. But they are both married. At first, I told myself I didn’t care. Like, “Whatever. Not my marriage, not my bed. I’m just here to ride my horse.” 

But the truth is, it does get under my skin. And I hate that I’m expected to just ignore it.

Do I confront it? Swallow it? Switch barns? I don’t want to be dramatic, but I also don’t want to be complicit.

Seeing Too Much and Saying Nothing

Dear Seeing Too Much,

Let’s start with this: You are not overreacting. If it feels off to you, you don’t have to gaslight yourself into silence. 

Even if they’re both in open marriages, or in some other arrangement that isn’t yours to question, the issue here is more than just moral. It’s professional. A trainer holds power over resources, attention and the perception of fairness. And power imbalances don’t require a big age gap to be real or damaging.

We’ve all heard the SafeSport horror stories, but here’s the thing: Even when everyone’s a consenting adult, things get messy fast when someone in a position of authority gets personally involved with a client. 

So now what?

Decide where your line is. 

Some riders can tune out the behind-the-scenes drama if the coaching is solid. Others can’t—and shouldn’t have to. You’re not complicit for staying if your needs are still being met. But you’re not dramatic for leaving, either. Only you can decide whether this barn still works for you.

Let me say this loud for the adults amateurs in the back:

• You deserve a trainer who respects professional boundaries.
• You deserve a barn that feels like a team, not a reality show.
• You deserve to ride your horse without wondering if someone else is getting more because of something going on behind closed doors.

Speak up, if it feels right.

If this is actively affecting your coaching experience or your sense of fairness, you can bring it up directly:

“I’ve noticed what seems like a personal relationship between you and [barnmate], and I want to be honest: It’s made me question whether I’m getting the same level of attention and support. This is a professional relationship, and I need to know I’m being treated fairly.”

You can also name your discomfort in a more general sense. Your own sense of morality has worth, too. And besides, if they’re being shady in this realm, what else might they be morally ambiguous about? A trainer-student relationship has to be built on trust. 

Feel free to borrow this script:

“Look, I know I don’t know the details of your personal life, but it’s still uncomfortable to be around as a client, knowing you’re both married and this seems to be happening in a space we all share.”

All you’re doing is expressing how the situation makes you feel in a shared professional environment. If your trainer responds with defensiveness, guilt-tripping or makes you feel like you’re the problem for noticing? That tells you everything you need to know.

You’re not jealous. You’re not uptight. You’re just paying attention.