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  1. #141
    Join Date
    Apr. 27, 2012
    Location
    South Central PA
    Posts
    129

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    wow this zombie thread is so old! I have ... really only one. I think I need to ride more :P

    I have been told numerous times to breathe. I especially hold my breath while going downhill so my trainer now makes me sing "Old MacDonald" to get me to breathe and relax.

    I've been told (When I would slump forward) That I looked like "a monkey doing something wrong to a football"
    Last edited by sam.j4; Nov. 20, 2012 at 01:30 PM.



  2. #142
    Join Date
    May. 26, 2005
    Posts
    410

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    Freshman year of college, I was SO excited that I made it onto my school's IHSA team. I was quickly disappointed with the absolute wack-a-do "trainer" they had. She would mostly just have us at a halt, and talk to me about how I should take up yoga. But my hands down favorite, was her trying to tell me to equitate more, and come down from a half seat.

    "It needs to look like you're &^$%^ing the saddle! F*** the saddle!"

    Needless to say, I quit soon after.

    Edited to add this:
    A trainer very dear to me yelled this upon coming to a jump (3'-3'6).

    "Just run at it, babes!!!"


    I didn't realize I had posted on this thread back in 2006.
    ... The very dear-to-me trainer quoted here would have us all laughing (and probably did more for our confidence than anyone) during our lessons with him. He passed away this spring, and I miss him so very, very much.
    Thoroughbreds: classic

    Turn. N. Burn.



  3. #143
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2004
    Location
    Magnolia, TX
    Posts
    5,616

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    Wow, old thread.

    My favorite random line thus far, though I've never quite figured out what he was trying to tell the rider, was - "You're riding the canter like it's a turd in a toilet bowl." That was a Jeff (J. Ashton) Moore-ism. He usually has some doozies.

    There's always the old, "When in doubt, tatas out."
    Jer 29: 11-13



  4. #144
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2010
    Location
    Western NY
    Posts
    1,663

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    Long, long ago taking lessons at a raggedly little barn....went over a jump in the lesson, stirrup leather broke on landing and I came off, instructor looked at the stirrup leather and said "I knew that was going to happen".


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #145
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2012
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    5,257

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    These are all awesome!
    "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."



  6. #146
    Join Date
    Jul. 24, 2008
    Location
    Wimberley, TX
    Posts
    153

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    Quote Originally Posted by Janet View Post
    Since I have no idea of where you guys ride/rode, but since it reminds me of a specific trainer...
    Will some one please PT me and end my suspense.

    Are we thinking of the same person, or are there TWO of them in NoVA?

    Thanks
    Oh, there are several housewives masquerading as "trainers" in NOVA. I knew one that thought, among all her other bizarre ideas, that oregano oil was the cure all for everything....thrush, respiratory ailments, colic, allergies, cancer, you name it.



  7. #147
    Join Date
    Dec. 16, 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    862

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    Quote Originally Posted by Beasmom View Post
    Years ago, I took riding lessons from a Russian-German fellow. He was a colorful personality and used colorful language during lessons. Here are samples of comments he made:

    "You look like a crow on a garbage can."
    "You look like a monkey in a banana tree."
    "Be proud your boozies! Boozie up"! (Boozie was his version of "bosom")
    "Seet on your Poooozie!" (I was a naive kid and had no idea what a "Poooozie" was until many years later, when I realized what exactly he was saying...)

    The young kids got the "Crow" and "Monkey" statements -- the older kids and adults got treated to the cruder stuff.

    Once, at a horse show, when I managed to qualify for the jump-off, I was terrified by the size of the jumps. They were higher than anything I had ever jumped in practice. I would have been happy to skip the jump-off, but Arnold insisted I participate. I can still hear him shouting from the rail as we headed for the triple in-and-out:

    "Grab his mane! Drop the reins! USE YOUR AAAAAAAAS!"

    Horse and I got through the jump-off with 4 faults and a ribbon. I was more scared of my riding teacher than the jumps!
    That is hilarious!
    I saw the angel in the marble and I set him free. - Michaelangelo



  8. #148
    Join Date
    May. 10, 2011
    Posts
    306

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    This is sort of OT - something I heard a student say to a trainer. I've never heard anything funnier about riding in my life. Seriously.

    Anyway, kid comes out of the ring. My sister and I are standing by the in-gate watching the course. Trainer says "Kidname, that was good, but why were you looking down the entire time?" Kid answers, "I was looking for my spot." (My sister and I hold our breath not to laugh.) Trainer response? "Well, that's definitely good, but only look when you're going to the jump, not the whole way around."

    Um, I'm sorry. Is there a blinking X or sign that says jump now?!

    Another really lovely NoVA trainer (who I THINK is out of business now, I hope) - when I was still a junior, she approached me at a show about showing her granddaughter's (who had gotten pregnant) horse in the children's to finish out the year. Not knowing the specialness of the situation, I agreed to come to her farm in a few days and sit on the horse and go from there. Aside from MANY issues at the farm, there was also this I got to witness since I arrived early and caught the tail-end of a lesson -

    "Put your stirrups up three holes. It'll make you see your jumps."

    What?



  9. #149
    Join Date
    Mar. 23, 2012
    Location
    GA
    Posts
    37

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    Well I've certainly been amused by all these!

    My old trainer used to sing songs surrounding our names and the ponies' names... I can only imagine that's where I got my random singing strange things to my cat and horses when I'm alone.

    There's been negative ones from other trainers I've been with... No direct quotes come to mind though... just experiences. I've had the benefit of working and riding at many places over the years and learning from many different instructors. It's helped with the knowing what to say and what not to say.

    Ah, there was the "I want my horse to be like a black slave digging a ditch" conversation. Whew boy. The gist was that he didn't want a smart horse because he didn't want to take the time building trust. He wanted a horse to fear him and be stupid and do it's job "like a black slave". Seriously. His analogy.



  10. #150
    Join Date
    Sep. 21, 2009
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    229

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    I just had to add this - I boarded briefly at a Saddlebred farm - loved the people, and the breed, btw. Anyway, I have always thought learning from different disciplines can only help me be a better horseman, so I did take some fun lessons. In a lesson with some other adult ladies, the old-time trainer told us one that I will NEVER forget! And it's pretty applicable to dressage, as well. He said, to get us to sit up properly, "The tush, and not the bush!" HA! He was an admitted dog, rest his soul, but the kindest man ever. And he did NOT teach the children!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #151
    Join Date
    Oct. 18, 2008
    Location
    Deschapelles, Haiti
    Posts
    2,416

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    Not from a trainer, but since I took a trimming class I have a similar phrase for keeping my 'perching problem' in check. Your butt is shaped like a horse's frog. Wide and thick in the back, thin and pointed mid-front, non-existant at the very front. Ride 'em like you trim 'em!
    HAS provides hospital care to 340,000 people in Haiti's Artibonite Valley 24/7/365/earthquake/cholera/whatever.
    www.hashaiti.org blog:http://hashaiti.org/blog



  12. #152
    Join Date
    Mar. 25, 2011
    Posts
    410

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    Heard by a trainer at a dressage show as the rider was getting ready to enter at A:

    "Just balance yourself off his mouth, he won't care..."

    This is a funny thread!!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #153
    Join Date
    Jun. 18, 2011
    Posts
    1,324

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    Overheard pearls of wisdom from a crazy lady that got booted out of the barn for "unsafe behavior", she fancied herself a riding instructor and talked a few of her neighbors into bringing their kids out for lessons:

    "The reins are just like a joystick on a video game so just steer the horse like you are playing a game".

    Aside from the obvious WTF, do they even play games with joysticks anymore? Do kids even know what they are?


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #154
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2006
    Location
    GA
    Posts
    2,415

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    I guess that some of mine sound pretty weird too after reading some of these. I holler "set him and push him" and have gotten some weird looks. My girls know exactly what I mean, but other folks, esp those who don't ride gaited horses may not have a clue on it.
    http://community.webshots.com/album/548368465RfewoU[/url]

    She may not have changed the stars from their courses, but she loved a good man, and she rode good horses….author unknown


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #155
    Join Date
    Jul. 2, 2003
    Location
    Woodland, Ca
    Posts
    6,218

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    My favorite was the "dressage trainer" who came up with things like "lift your hands... no above your head" (ride was holding the reins)... pull the bit through her mouth (to turn the horse... and yes, she meant it)



  16. #156
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2012
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    5,257

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    I had a lesson with my instructor yesterday, and I told her about the "Tush, Not bush!" comment, and she thought that was hilarious and definitely wouldn't be forgotten!

    She was at a show once, and this girl was warming up for her equitation class, and she was slouched over, and had her hands in her lap. My instructor said all of a sudden the girl's trainer yelled "IT'S EQUITATION, NOT MASTURBATION! GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR LAP!" My instructor said the girl rode beautifully after that and never again dropped her hands to her lap!
    "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."


    5 members found this post helpful.

  17. #157
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2012
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    806

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    I'm glad this thread was brought back! Anybody have more stories?

    I had an instructor who always said "ride [the canter] like you're making love." I came from a very conservative, intensely religious, family with a hyper-controlling father. At that time (early teens) I wasn't real clear on the actual mechanics of "making love," and I was too embarrassed to admit that to my instructor.
    Several years later her instructions finally made sense.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #158
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2012
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    806

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    Last one, I promise.

    Not a trainer, but a previous owner of one of my horses.

    I pick my horses' hooves Every Single Day. No matter what.

    I took pathogenic microbiology and mycology as an undergrad and it scarred me for life.

    The previous owner helpfully informed me that I should pick hooves 2 or 3 times a week at the most, as picking hooves daily causes thrush.

    She also told me that the best cure for thrush is to first pick the horse's hooves, then have the horse stand in muddy clay-type soil, then not touch that horse's feet for at least 3 days. *facepalm*

    She absolutely could not and cannot be convinced otherwise. *headdesk*
    Last edited by californianinkansas; Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:01 PM. Reason: because paragraphs and commas



  19. #159
    Join Date
    Jan. 29, 2013
    Location
    Greensboro, NC
    Posts
    500

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    used to teach beginner lessons at a barn where the owners and most of the boarders rode western.....was teaching an older beginner (timid, not very good balance) how to post the trot to make it more comfortable for both her an the horse.....BO comes up and goes "you're not allowed to post if you're in a western saddle. you can't teach people to do that here."

    I know there are a TON more floating around in my brain, but that's all I can come up with for now.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #160
    Join Date
    Jan. 29, 2013
    Location
    Greensboro, NC
    Posts
    500

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    Quote Originally Posted by californianinkansas View Post
    I'm glad this thread was brought back! Anybody have more stories?

    I had an instructor who always said "ride [the canter] like you're making love." I came from a very conservative, intensely religious, family with a hyper-controlling father. At that time (early teens) I wasn't real clear on the actual mechanics of "making love," and I was too embarrassed to admit that to my instructor.
    Several years later her instructions finally made sense.
    ....glad I'm not the only one.....


    1 members found this post helpful.

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