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  1. #81
    Join Date
    Apr. 7, 2004
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    NoVa
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    5,550

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ReSomething View Post
    Sorry Invested1, anybody else, very old slang for the F word.
    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So the missing letter is an "a"?
    Amwrider: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their genitalia and may their arms be too short to scratch.



  2. #82
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
    Location
    The rocky part of KY
    Posts
    10,250

    Default

    Yep. Isn't is amazing what you can learn here on Coth?
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #83
    Join Date
    Apr. 7, 2004
    Location
    NoVa
    Posts
    5,550

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ReSomething View Post
    Yep. Isn't is amazing what you can learn here on Coth?
    Who knew?!?
    Amwrider: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their genitalia and may their arms be too short to scratch.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #84
    Join Date
    Jan. 23, 2000
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    8,145

    Default

    Along the lines of boozies and knockers, I had an instructor who, with students who tended to round their shoulders or slouch, would make them say "Dolly Parton! Dolly Parton!" As they rode down to a line. Hey, it worked.


    That strikes me as a much more polite way to holler across the show grounds, "STICK YOUR TITS OUT!"



    On a less graphic note, my mother decided happier looking riders pin better (after she saw me show pony pleasure as a kid). So for years, into much bigger shows, eq, hunter classes, etc, no matter what, she'd be standing on the rail going "Tara Lipinski! Tara Lipinski!" because she said Tara Lipinski had the hugest smile she'd ever seen, plastered onto her face during her ice skating rounds.



  5. #85
    Join Date
    May. 17, 2002
    Location
    Olney
    Posts
    4,455

    Default

    My trainer used to tell us to "stick out our flowers" rather than a cruder choice. As I was trotting past the judge another trainer on our circuit screamed "Look at them hooters" causing the judge and everyone else to crack up...I did win the class
    Can you stress-fracture your brain?



  6. #86
    Join Date
    May. 20, 2005
    Location
    Desert Southwest
    Posts
    6,433

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Invested1 View Post
    NOT NICE--I'm eating lunch!!! How would you like chicken corn chowder to come out YOUR nose???
    OW! Hope it wasn't CHUNKY chicken corn chowder...



  7. #87
    Join Date
    Nov. 26, 2004
    Posts
    1,076

    Default Kiddy trainers

    I got the "pleasure" of watching one of our teens explain that the reason she walked her horse up to a 2'6" fence.. stopped him and then kicked the crap out of him so he jumped it from a standstill - is because she was building his hind end to make a better jumper out of him! Whooooo... new one on me.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #88
    Join Date
    Sep. 12, 2001
    Location
    Hotlanta
    Posts
    5,896

    Wink

    Quote Originally Posted by Beasmom View Post
    My first ever riding teacher was a courtly Hungarian gentleman who never had a harsh word. "Aaah, not the best, not the best," he would say as I struggled to learn some new skill and absorb his lessons.

    "Eeeempossible!" was as close to exasperation as he ever got.
    We have one such trainer at my barn. Took me a while to figure out not only the accent, but the inversion of sentences. I still try not to crack up when he says something like, "I don't think so my horse likes this hay." And thanks to the frequent a=o vowel swap, I now answer to the most horrendous mutilation my first name has ever known, in the form of "Sorrah." Nyc_rider (aka "Eye-ren") can vouch for this.



  9. #89
    Join Date
    Aug. 3, 2000
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,240

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by retsasid View Post
    Ok, that made me laugh out loud in my school's strictly-no-talking library. How would you say that in french?
    a frog on a box of matches = un crapaud sur une boite d'allumettes

    (actually, I had mistranslated. It should be "toad" and not "frog". I'm not so good with the reptile vocab thing...)



  10. #90
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2006
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    297

    Default

    I don't think this woman was a legit trainer even though she certainly fancied herself one. She liked to watch lessons and give us advice after they were over. She apparently thought my horse had a self confidence problem and told me I should tell him "You are beautiful when you run."


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #91
    Join Date
    Aug. 26, 1999
    Location
    Concord, California, USA
    Posts
    8,522

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JCS View Post
    Along the lines of boozies and knockers, I had an instructor who, with students who tended to round their shoulders or slouch, would make them say "Dolly Parton! Dolly Parton!" As they rode down to a line. Hey, it worked.
    One dressage guy did Robin Williams/The Birdcage, yelling to me: "Madonna, Madonna...."



  12. #92
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2004
    Location
    City of delusion in the state of total denial
    Posts
    8,969

    Default

    NOT NICE--I'm eating lunch!!! How would you like chicken corn chowder to come out YOUR nose???
    Sorry! But thank you- I've finally entered the elusive Club of People Who Cause Other People to Leak Beverages from Unlikely Orifices!
    "I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep."
    - Harry Dresden

    Horse Isle 2: Legend of the Esrohs LifeCycle Breeding and competition MMORPG



  13. #93
    Join Date
    May. 26, 2005
    Posts
    1,566

    Default things trainers say

    A local big name hunter rider/trainer uses the line "chest on the crest" to all of his female students when they're jumping. He's a proponent of the exagerated hunter release in case you're wondering!



  14. #94
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2006
    Posts
    77

    Default What do I win if my story is the funniest?

    I think my story tops all of yours!

    When I was home from college on summer break on year, my horse went lame and needed 2 months off. So, I was missing my riding time, and saw an ad in the paper offering free riding in return for barn help. I figured at least I'd have something to ride, so I answered the ad.

    The barn was a small backyard barn, and the job duties included arriving before the instructor's afternoon lessons started to get the horses tacked up and ready. Then I would assist the instructor with getting riders mounted and horses put away after lessons. If somebody didn't show up for a lesson, leaving an extra horse available, I was allowed to ride in the lesson. Sounded like a good deal to me, so I took the job. I figured I'd get not only something to ride, but free lessons for myself.

    Well, almost immediately upon arriving for my first day of work I realized that I'd just agreed to work in the Twilight Zone Farm. It started out when I was saddling the horses. I noticed that a lot of the saddles leaned back (ie pommel much higher than the cantle). Having spied a pile of foam lollypop pads gathering dust in a back corner of the tack room, I asked if I should be using them to level out the saddles. The instructor gave me a blank stare, then told me that she taught "forward seat" riding, so the saddles were supposed to be higher in front. WTF!!! I suppose if you rode dressage the saddles were supposed to lean back?

    But no, it gets better. Then the instructor introduced me to her one mare that was reserved for the advanced riders. I was told that this mare was very fussy with her head and needed a rider with quiet hands. You also probably needed a hockey mask to protect your nose from getting broken to judge by the garguantuan ewe-neck on this horse. Well anyway, as I was bridling her I noticed that while all the other horses had snaffle bits, this mare had a rusty old curb bit with positively midieval looking shanks. The bit was sharp from years of horse teeth chewing on the metal, and almost cut my hands just from holding it. I politely asked the instructor why she had such a severe bit in this horse's mouth if she was so fussy, and would the mare not go better in a snaffle? The instructor looked at me like I had 2 heads, then told me that the bridle and the bit came with the horse when she purchased her, so clearly this bit was the one the mare was used to.

    OK, so I probably should have run screaming from the farm by now, but I REALLY was missing the whole riding experience. I wanted to ride. At the last lesson of the day I was thrilled to see one extra horse that nobody claimed. Finally, I could ride in the lesson. Everything was going fine until we started trotting. The instructor kept telling me that I was posting on the wrong diagonal. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not an Olympic rider or anything, but I think I know my diagonals. After the instructor incorrectly told me I was on the wrong diagonal for the 100th time, I'd just had it. I turned to the instructor and told her that 3 blue ribbons from the 3 shows I'd attended as a member of my school's intercollegiate teams certianly argued that I knew how to post on the correct diagonal. You should be standing up as the OUTSIDE shoulder goes forward. The instructor insisted that no, it's when the inside shoulder goes forward.

    At this point I went home determined to never come back. No amount of free riding was going to make my lose my sanity this way. Well, 2 nights later the instructor called me to say that she'd looked up this posting thing in a book, and it turns out we were both right! You see, this instructor had learned from an English (as in from the UK) riding instructor, and they post on the other diagonal over there! C'mon, seriously. You've got to be kidding me! How's that for a lame excuse for complete incopetence. I never went back.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #95
    Join Date
    Sep. 12, 2005
    Location
    Charlotte, NC
    Posts
    3,776

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by arary View Post
    I think my story tops all of yours!

    When I was home from college on summer break on year, my horse went lame and needed 2 months off. So, I was missing my riding time, and saw an ad in the paper offering free riding in return for barn help. I figured at least I'd have something to ride, so I answered the ad.

    The barn was a small backyard barn, and the job duties included arriving before the instructor's afternoon lessons started to get the horses tacked up and ready. Then I would assist the instructor with getting riders mounted and horses put away after lessons. If somebody didn't show up for a lesson, leaving an extra horse available, I was allowed to ride in the lesson. Sounded like a good deal to me, so I took the job. I figured I'd get not only something to ride, but free lessons for myself.

    Well, almost immediately upon arriving for my first day of work I realized that I'd just agreed to work in the Twilight Zone Farm. It started out when I was saddling the horses. I noticed that a lot of the saddles leaned back (ie pommel much higher than the cantle). Having spied a pile of foam lollypop pads gathering dust in a back corner of the tack room, I asked if I should be using them to level out the saddles. The instructor gave me a blank stare, then told me that she taught "forward seat" riding, so the saddles were supposed to be higher in front. WTF!!! I suppose if you rode dressage the saddles were supposed to lean back?

    But no, it gets better. Then the instructor introduced me to her one mare that was reserved for the advanced riders. I was told that this mare was very fussy with her head and needed a rider with quiet hands. You also probably needed a hockey mask to protect your nose from getting broken to judge by the garguantuan ewe-neck on this horse. Well anyway, as I was bridling her I noticed that while all the other horses had snaffle bits, this mare had a rusty old curb bit with positively midieval looking shanks. The bit was sharp from years of horse teeth chewing on the metal, and almost cut my hands just from holding it. I politely asked the instructor why she had such a severe bit in this horse's mouth if she was so fussy, and would the mare not go better in a snaffle? The instructor looked at me like I had 2 heads, then told me that the bridle and the bit came with the horse when she purchased her, so clearly this bit was the one the mare was used to.

    OK, so I probably should have run screaming from the farm by now, but I REALLY was missing the whole riding experience. I wanted to ride. At the last lesson of the day I was thrilled to see one extra horse that nobody claimed. Finally, I could ride in the lesson. Everything was going fine until we started trotting. The instructor kept telling me that I was posting on the wrong diagonal. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not an Olympic rider or anything, but I think I know my diagonals. After the instructor incorrectly told me I was on the wrong diagonal for the 100th time, I'd just had it. I turned to the instructor and told her that 3 blue ribbons from the 3 shows I'd attended as a member of my school's intercollegiate teams certianly argued that I knew how to post on the correct diagonal. You should be standing up as the OUTSIDE shoulder goes forward. The instructor insisted that no, it's when the inside shoulder goes forward.

    At this point I went home determined to never come back. No amount of free riding was going to make my lose my sanity this way. Well, 2 nights later the instructor called me to say that she'd looked up this posting thing in a book, and it turns out we were both right! You see, this instructor had learned from an English (as in from the UK) riding instructor, and they post on the other diagonal over there! C'mon, seriously. You've got to be kidding me! How's that for a lame excuse for complete incopetence. I never went back.


    Yikes!!

    I have seen a lot of scary instructors, but this might take the cake!



  16. #96
    Join Date
    Jul. 29, 2006
    Location
    Colorado- Yee Haw!
    Posts
    3,454

    Default

    When I first started re-riding I went to Ireland to visit friends and signed up for some cross country riding. Well, on the second day we went to a cross country course and started jumping. It was pretty intense (since I'd jumped like 3 days in 7 years.) So, after watching a bunch of people get refusals, tumble etc. I was a little nervous. The guide pointed me at a solid 3'6" cross country fence. I said that looks a little high. And his response was:

    "Well you didn't fall off on the little ones, what makes you think you're gonna fall off on this one?"

    To this day I keep that funny Irish voice in my head when fences look a little high...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #97
    Join Date
    Mar. 31, 2005
    Location
    chevy chase
    Posts
    100

    Default

    Speaking of Irish instructors...

    I go to Ireland frequently with my parents. My mother rides, my father does not. Besides having many wonderful horsey experiences, we've met some great, cooky people.

    Our most recent time, we found a kinda out-there barn to ride at. The instructor was a real goof ball! We all got on horses, and off we went. We explored some trails, jumped some jumps, and game to a part of the trail that was strung across with what looked like electrical tape, but wasn't wired to anything. The instructor looked at it, looked at me, and says, "Do you think you can jump that?"

    Now, I have very little fear when I ride. And even I said I didn't now, it seemed like a bad idea, thinking what if the horses legs got caught... This tape was about 4' high!

    The instructor laughed, spurred his horse, and called over his shoulder, "Do one thing every day that scares you!"

    Over the tape we went, and we CLEARED it. Exhilirating. My mother's horse, a quiet, old appy pony, trucked right through it and tore it down.
    The only thing I've learned in college is what I don't want to do with my life.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #98
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2005
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    176

    Default

    I used to lesson at a barn where the instructor divided us by age group, so I rode with about four other women ages 20 and up. Whenever any of us would get frustrated about something and try to reason out what was going wrong, the instructor would tell us to "Stop having an Oprah moment!"
    I wanted to reach down with my crop, give him a whack and say, "I don't even watch Oprah, just tell what I'm doing wrong!"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #99
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 2005
    Location
    Iowa
    Posts
    1,140

    Default

    "Pinkies up! Elbows out! Hold your arms like they're a basketball hoop!"

    What?

    This was in a lesson with a hunter trainer who was transitioning to eventing.

    More like lessons on how to look dumb on a horse <g>

    ~Adrienne



  20. #100
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2003
    Location
    Norcross GA
    Posts
    2,073

    Default

    In fairness to the UK instructor [not that she seems to deserve fairness], posting does seem to be taught slightly differently in the UK, as well as Australia.

    My mom took Dressage lessons while we lived in both places and her instructors there taught her to go down when the inside leg goes down, rather than up when the outside goes up.

    When we moved to the US and she had to learn to get used to the instrucor saying "Up with the Outside" it took her a good two years of not getting confused and doing "Up with the Inside"...

    So, it is a confuseable issue when you are a "re-schooled" rider..
    TIMBERRIDGE SPORTHORSES:
    www.timberridgesporthorses.com
    --> Just Press Start // '99 Oldenburg
    --> Always The Optimist (reg. Simply Stylin) // '02 Thoroughbred



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