[JohnDeere]

Oh for the love of all that is good PLEASE explain this one to me!

It's obvious. You face the front and push from the back!

[Canuck]

About a hundred years ago, when I was 15 and leaning how to event, this is how I was taught me how to get a horse "down on the bit".

Shorten up the reins and plant my hands on my thighs and leave them there until the horse drops his head. I was so afraid of this "trainer" that I did this until my whole body was screaming. I can't imagine how that poor horse felt. * shudders * He was a saint.

Luckily for future horses, I gave up riding for almost 20 years because of this "trainer". (Spits on ground).

Luckily for future horses, I knew enough to know how much I *didn't* know when I started to ride again 5 years ago. But I knew enough to be gentle, and I now have a wonderful trainer.

[Groom to Priceless]

My trainer used to tell me to pretend I was skiing (swooshing down the hill) to get me into two point. This comment would usually make me collapse on the horse laughing because my favorite position while skiing is tumbling down the hill in a cloud of skis, poles and assorted tree branches!!! Somehow that position has never been one that I wanted to repeat while on horseback!!

[Little Indian]

They didn't have to say it,
one "trainer" and i use this word so loosely it's crazy, sued me for $250,000.00 when MY MARE came down with strangles. Mind you, nobody got sick (not even the mares foal who was born during the infection and was up in the abcess all of the time) and everybody was able to continue working as normal (you just couldnt leave the property for 4 weeks). In the end, the trainer still hasn't sold any of the horses that were up for sale (the matter has been settled for now $101.00 minus $1, which is pretty freakin funny), is now selling her business because she was never good enough to make any money in the horse world. i hate stupid trainers. they make me crazy

[onwego]

1. One of the horses sneezed during a lesson (in the dusty indoor), "trainer" said, "You see that sneezing thing he's doing right now? That's him being submissive to you."

I've had two trainers mention this to me. My guess is that it goes along with the line of if the horse is nervous and tense, then they can't sneeze. When they relax, they relax their muscles enough to sneeze. At least this is what I keep telling myself.

[twnkltoz]

I often have to be reminded to breathe when I ride!

[Ibex]

Um - not a good example, JSalem. An adult in my group lesson often does NOT breathe as she goes down a line when she's worried about it. Trainer is truely concerned when she says "Breathe! That was fine! Breathe!"

I have "BREATH" yelled at me all the time. I hold my breath and tense up I had one trainer who made me sing so I was forced to intake air.

However, I have heard a few gems.

- "Don't steer the corners - the horse knows they're there"
- "the best way to get a proper two point is to stand up, lean over and grab mane"
- "I don't think he can do the whole combination, so just jump the first element at an angle and cut through the (2.5') gap between fences."
- "This is a hunter barn - we don't hack" (okaaaaay....)

[ThreeFigs]

Years ago, I took riding lessons from a Russian-German fellow. He was a colorful personality and used colorful language during lessons. Here are samples of comments he made:

"You look like a crow on a garbage can."
"You look like a monkey in a banana tree."
"Be proud your boozies! Boozie up"! (Boozie was his version of "bosom")
"Seet on your Poooozie!" (I was a naive kid and had no idea what a "Poooozie" was until many years later, when I realized what exactly he was saying...)

The young kids got the "Crow" and "Monkey" statements -- the older kids and adults got treated to the cruder stuff.

Once, at a horse show, when I managed to qualify for the jump-off, I was terrified by the size of the jumps. They were higher than anything I had ever jumped in practice. I would have been happy to skip the jump-off, but Arnold insisted I participate. I can still hear him shouting from the rail as we headed for the triple in-and-out:

"Grab his mane! Drop the reins! USE YOUR AAAAAAAAS!"

Horse and I got through the jump-off with 4 faults and a ribbon. I was more scared of my riding teacher than the jumps!

[Roxy SM]

I knew a trainer who would count the strides up to the jump his student was approaching, but seeing as how he had no clue what he was doing (but charging as much as the best trainers on the A hunter circuit), he didn't really know how many strides away the horse was from the jump. So if, for example, the horse was 5 strides away from the jump, he would shout, "Three, two, one, and, BEAUTIFUL!" Luckily for him his clients are even more clueless than him and love hearing him tell their children how wonderful they are at riding.
Another "trainer" used to tell his students to wiggle their pinky fingers in front of the jump to find the distance!
I know there's more somewhere in my brain.

[SBT]

I spent one summer working at a handicapped riding facility that offered free lessons/trail rides to the volunteers. A girl went out on one of the ponies, and came back leading him. I asked her what happened and she said, "He spooked and I fell off." She got back on him in the arena, at which point I noticed her stirrups were ridiculously short, almost jockey-length. Immediately I said, "No wonder you got pitched off, your stirrups are really short! Try lowering them three or four holes so you can get your leg around him." She did, and immediately felt more secure.

Just then, an instructor (NARHA/dressage background) came in and wanted to know why the girl's stirrups were so "long." I explained, and the instructor said,

"But she rides hunt seat. Hunt seat is ridden with a short stirrup."

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I said, "Well, I've been riding hunt seat for 18 years, and nobody rides that short unless they're jumping really big fences."

Scary.

[lesyl]

And my personal all time fav:
"the laws of science won't allow you to miss using the 2 line approach to a single diagional jump". Yeah right Einstein.

So does this law come after the laws of thermodynamics? Or is this in addition to some sort of law of geometry? And jsut what is a 2 line approach? I can barely figure out one line to the jump, let alone two at once. It seems that this would violate the first law of thermodynamics or is it physics regarding two things occupying the same space at the same time. Perhaps if I were just better at understanding the principles of uncertainty, or where Schrodinger kept getting those cats from...
sigh, maybe it is best left a head-shaking mystery.

[elektra949]

"You look like a crow on a garbage can."
"You look like a monkey in a banana tree."
"Be proud your boozies! Boozie up"! (Boozie was his version of "bosom")
[B]"Seet on your Poooozie!" [/B](I was a naive kid and had no idea what a "Poooozie" was until many years later, when I realized what exactly he was saying...)


And one day it just hit you, in the middle of raking the yard or something, like OH MY GOD he was telling me to sit on my P*s*y! LoL!!

Along those same lines....One of my old trainers(back when I used to show, I must've been 12/13 ish) used to tell me I would never keep a man if I didn't learn how to ley my hips follow the motion. Pigs, I tell ya.

[Little Indian]

I had one trainer tell me that I was under no circumstances to use a D ring on my pony because D rings were for racehorses only. We promptly picked up and left.

[3eme]

I usually start riding from the ears. I find if I hold 'em just right, they're really good for steering.

See! I KNEW there was a reason that I always liked dopey looking horses with BIG EARS! Easier to grab!

[CANTERSoIL]

Watching a trainer "teach" a student who was trying to teach her horse to pick up his feet properly "If he doesn't pick it up, smack him in the shoulder with your crop" Yeah, that'll let him know what you want him to do.....

[3eme]

"You look like a crow on a garbage can."
"You look like a monkey in a banana tree."
"Be proud your boozies! Boozie up"! (Boozie was his version of "bosom")
[B]"Seet on your Poooozie!" [/B](I was a naive kid and had no idea what a "Poooozie" was until many years later, when I realized what exactly he was saying...)

Clearly, he is the long lost cousin of my old coach. He would say "you look like a frog on a box of matches" (huhwhat?) And on those days where he was feeling a bit more piggish (um, like every day) he would say "that's not EQuitation, that SEXitation" to anyone who pumped in the saddle.

[Renn/aissance]

1. One of the horses sneezed during a lesson (in the dusty indoor), "trainer" said, "You see that sneezing thing he's doing right now? That's him being submissive to you."

I can see where the confusion comes from, because if a tense horse lowers his head and exhales gustily, it often means that he has relaxed.

"Breathe!"

Huh? Like if you don't remind the kid, they'll stop breathing? Really, you don't have something more constructive to offer?

My trainer used to tell me that... she was convinced that I didn't breathe at all during my courses. The way they looked, she might have been right.

or where Schrodinger kept getting those cats from...

He didn't have to. Schroedinger's Cat Is Not Dead!

[Invested1]

Along those same lines....One of my old trainers(back when I used to show, I must've been 12/13 ish) used to tell me I would never keep a man if I didn't learn how to ley my hips follow the motion. Pigs, I tell ya.

I know I shouldn't laugh but THAT is awesome!!!!!

[GansMyMan]

"that's not EQuitation, that SEXitation" to anyone who pumped in the saddle.

Ah, I now understand my old trainer who used to say, "Honey, that ain't no man; and if it was, you'd be having less fun." Suddenly I feel as though I should take a shower.

[Cougar85]

this one is just plain funny (not insane). I heard this in a clinic with a fantastic national level judge, who was just trying to get her students to sit up tall.
Knockers UP, ladies!!!