When my father died in 1985, I was the family rock through all the aftermath. I was my mother's support, and my stability gave my sister "permission" to become even more out-there. In 1993, my mother died, and I was the rock again, my sister was deep in an alcohol-induced psychosis by this time, and I took care of all of the things, the details and so on that come afterward. Two years later, my sister, from whom I had basicly been estranged for years, also passed away. For about two weeks, I did my rock thing, and I got her stuff settled, or at least into competent hands. And then I prompltly fell apart. I no longer had anyone I needed to be a rock for, and even though I didn't feed a tremendous loss when my poor sister passed away, I went through some things that sound alot like what you're experiencing--much of which had to do with the fact that I'd been so busy being "the rock", that I'd neglected to deal with my own grief at the prior losses. Fortunately, at that moment, I was working closely (professionally) with a psychologist whose research area was death and dying. She was able to give me some things to read that helped me see that what I was experiencing was entirely *normal*.
It sounds like you have bagged your limit on tough experiences, and somewhere inside, you just knew you had other people that you could lean on to deal with the details of this event, and your brain has just decided to give in and say "too much, I need some help".
So, get some help, give yourself some time, and take some comfort in knowing that what you're going through IS normal. Including the hallucinations; that's the one that got me. I consider myself entirely too rational for something as out-there as hallucinations, but it turns out no one's immune. I'm so glad I knew about that when I lost my Bumper dog recently; when I woke up at 4 am the next morning and heard him barking ... it was very sad, but it didn't destroy me because I understood what it was. The other thing I experienced was the feeling that I was an eight-cylinder engine running on about 3.5 cylinders--it took twice as long to get anything done, providing I could concentrate long enough to get one thing done, and it took almost all of the energy I had. What had been normal daily activity suddenly took tremendous effort and concentration. And I still get the stuttering thing if I have a serious emotional shock; mine is always momentary, but I know exactly what you mean.
Hang in there. Do get some guidance, because you'll work through it faster if you understand it better. Alas, you DO need to work through it, or it will come back an bite you in the hindparts later. And it takes time. But it will get better. It will.
"One person's cowboy is another person's blooming idiot" -- katarine
you are dead on. I realized when I lost my collie June 17th that I was handling it too well. I have been thinking lately, before this happened, that I was not reacting correctly to things like losing Shea.
Does any body know what I should expect if I get "help"? It kinda seems weird, not that I think there in anything wrong with it, but what do you do, just sit there and talk?
I just got back from feeding all 27 horses by myself, I think it did me some good. And that is the first time I was at the barn by myself, so I could cry when I looked at Shea's picture and Walker's stiches!
I am SOOO sorry for your expirience. I can't imagine going through this and I'm jingling like crazy for you.
On a more positive note:
I know a girl whos horse ran into an F-250. His body hit the bed (back right corner) and his leg was sliced by the muffler. Luckily he made a huge comeback and is sound as can be. He's jumping amazing and is the same old horse.
My heart goes out to you!
Best of Luck
"If you're dating a guy who rides horses, Raise your cup. If not, Raise your standards."
I am so sorry about your sister.
I am usually good about keeping things in perspective, and realizing how lucky I am. But my brain has other ideas this time.
I try not to be a whiner, I know I am so lucky Walker should be fine, I don't know why I am reacting like this.
Ride On, thanks for the advice. and again, I am so sorry.
I could't even bear to see him, let alone take care of him last night. I had to send him to the clinic.
I can't believe my reaction, I just sat down in the driveway and starting calling the vet, I didn't go try to catch him or anything.
I don't know why I acted like that.
What happened to you and Walker is one of my very worst nightmares. I can't even imagine the trauma...don't be too hard on yourself for your reaction. People talk about "Survivor's Guilt" when something awful happens to someone (or in this case a horse) you love who you are accustomed to serving as a 'protector' to and you harbor an irrational, subconcious feeling of guilt because you failed to prevent it...I have heard a lot about Survivor's Guilt as it relates to kids, and it kinda sounds like what you're going through (why you're struggling with facing him.)
If you're open to talking to someone about it I think you should...and just know that I'm sure Walker will be VERY happy to see you when you're ready, he's not stewing over the fact that you didn't stop the car.
My thoughts are with you, BIG jingles and hugs, I hope you and Walker feel better soon!!
"To understand the soul of a horse is the closest human beings can come to knowing perfection."
you are still in shock-- look some people cry some people shout some people curl up whatever--shock expalin shock -- shock is when something happens out of the normal and we behave like divvy people becuase we just cant grasp whats taken place-- i know not only from daughter but when i was driving up the lane to go to my aunts i saw a motorbike and stoped as i thought he was a bit wobbly i could see up the lane but he couldnt see down it-- there was another car behind me - anyways next thing i knew there was a bang -- took me what seem like ages in fact was minutes ,seconds to realise it was me-- my car had been hit in a stationary position and shoved further into the hedgerow had he gone a little to the left by 2inces it would have been me to-- iopen the door the crushed door - and saw a bike and not alittle bike a decati 800cc in three pieces the front forks were middle road the pertol tank was under my car and the rear wheel a heck of a way down the road-- i thought the bloke was undermy car and i went round like a headless chicken becuase i couldnt find him-- as i said i thought it was ages but it was moments--
the bloke the car behind me came to my aid as i was running up and down the road looking for this body -- theman got hold of me and it took him ages to get throught to me the boy on the bike had jumped of and ran away--
he called the police and amberlance -- for me -- my car had 2000.00 worth of damaged he hit it at 90 mph -- police said it was like a bullet out of a gun--
they found him later about three miles away in a pub waiting for his mate to pick him up-- he was 18 and it was his dads bike but he asnt allowed to ride it he was uninsured but that happen 5 years ago and to this day i remeber every last detail--
thing is you do i dont care what people say you do remebr awful things but what you have to do as i have had quite a few things hapen in my life
is to put them aside -- and think
today is a good day and that was yesterday-- then that yesterday was the day beofre and so on -- then it will just be a memory that exist and pops up as and when but it wont hurt you bo more...
so today is a good day to go see your horse and give him a carrot and dont feel quilty -- hes alive and so are you -- just think when you get that barn built and move on -- you will have fun agian - besides you gotta be strong for his sake to..