The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 21 to 40 of 43
  1. #21
    Join Date
    Sep. 13, 2000
    Location
    AZ
    Posts
    349

    Default

    It would be a really good idea to go to your doctor and get tested for STDs ASAP.
    It is very unlikely that give the history he was not physically cheating with multiple women.

    You weren't in love with him - you were in love with who you thought he was or could be. That person never existed. Hopefully now you can move on and be much happier.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Sep. 18, 2007
    Location
    FL
    Posts
    631

    Default

    Speaking as a poor choice in men magnet... get some counseling to figure out the deeper reason for your acceptance of such poor and unhealthy behavior. It is a well known fact that we tend to repeat "failures" in hopes of making it come out better the next time.

    You're smart, you've done the right thing...don't look back...when you feel temptation...re-read this thread. You deserve so much better. Take time to mourn your loss ( not the man...but your hope and dream). Surely there were red flags ...next time honor them and yourself.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Aug. 25, 2008
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,030

    Default

    I totally agree with those who suggest that you get tested for STD's immediately. You need to ask for a full, 10-panel STD test that checks for Herpes as well as other common ones. Just asking to be tested does NOT test for herpes, as it's so common. 20% of women have it, so the chances that he was exposed are HUGE. If you didn't catch it, you dodged a darned bullet, sister.

    I am SO sorry for you, and definitely get some counseling, as you are at a high risk for repeating this cycle unless you work through what brought you into it in the first place.



  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
    Posts
    6,314

    Default

    Wow. I feel sort of honored to be part of an online community that you could share that with. You're a very strong woman. You deserve a good person and I'm sorry, but he didn't qualify.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Aug. 1, 2013
    Location
    Zone 5
    Posts
    377

    Default

    "As for courage and will -- we cannot measure how much of each lies within us; we can only trust there will be sufficient to carry us through the trials which may lie ahead." Andre Norton

    “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
    be brave


    5 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Apr. 20, 2009
    Location
    Raeford, North Carolina
    Posts
    2,714

    Default

    Holy guacamole, what a douche bag!

    I am so sorry that you are going through such emotional turmoil, but so glad that you realized you are worth way more than " Mr A-Hole of the year".

    Time really does heal those wounds. Good for you for believing in yourself.
    "Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing" - Robert Benchley
    Cotton would fight.
    http://buildingthegrove.blogspot.com/


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    5,655

    Default

    I don't mean to be insensitive or anything, I just need some help understanding the timelines here... how does this coincide with the whole "I really HATE beards" thread? Is that a new guy you started dating? In the OP here you mentioned that you broke it off with the old guy just a few weeks ago. New guy sounds nice so far, but maybe it's time for a little solo self exploration and healing?
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Jul. 7, 2013
    Posts
    69

    Default

    Sex addiction is a real thing and it manifests in different ways. It is an intimacy disorder at the root. It is a behavior addiction, like gambling and is VERY difficult to deal with.

    Check out Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes. Or anything by Patrick Carnes such as Out of the Shadows. Google Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and read through the criteria. I bet you will find him in the literature.

    It CAN be overcome but not without a lot of hard work and heartache. I understand your therapist's comment. It isn't necessarily "strong enough" to stay but whether or not you think you will be able to process and learn how to handle slips and relapses along the way. It isn't easy to live with an addict, or recovered addict.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Mar. 31, 2014
    Posts
    88

    Default

    Whoa, Snowflake... are we the same person??

    I was with someone for 5 years, around your timeline, that was scarily similar to your relationship, except he liked them younger, not older. And like you, I thought I was unconditionally in love with this person- turns out I was just essentially brainwashed.

    I'm proud of you for getting out when you did. I know for me personally I don't think about it as 5 years wasted, rather 5 years of a learning experience. My bullsh*t meter runs perfect these days


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,291

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Heinz 57 View Post
    I don't mean to be insensitive or anything, I just need some help understanding the timelines here... how does this coincide with the whole "I really HATE beards" thread? Is that a new guy you started dating? In the OP here you mentioned that you broke it off with the old guy just a few weeks ago. New guy sounds nice so far, but maybe it's time for a little solo self exploration and healing?
    The "practice proposal" was on June 14th which really was the end of things. We made our split public on the 22nd. I went out with beard guy on the 24th. Was going out on a date a bit premature? Sure. But, at the same time, I wasn't going to sit home and feel sorry for myself.

    Bearded guy was someone that I chatted with online during my break from my ex in late 2013. When my ex sent me the video, I was straight up honest with the bearded guy about what was going on and told him this was something that I really felt I needed to see through. He told me he understood completely, wished me luck and told me he thought I was a great person and hoped things worked out for the best for me. He also said that should I find myself single again in the future to please look him up because he'd love the opportunity to get to know me more. I thanked him and told him I would.

    I was impressed by the fact that this guy was 100% respectful and gave me the space/time I needed. He backed right off when I told him what was going on and didn't contact me at all. No "Hey! What's new with you?" or "Hi! How are you doing?" Nothing at all.

    When things were made public about my breakup, I kept my promise to him and let him know. Was going out with him rushing things? Probably. But I also felt he was a safe guy to be able to get a start on seeing what my new life might be like. I wanted to be able to just stick my toe in the dating pool to test the waters. I'm not yet ready to jump in and get in over my head and I know it. I made it known to the bearded guy that I'm still healing and have a lot to work through. He said he knew what I was going through and was willing to be there for me in any way I needed. So, I'm being very honest and transparent with everyone. I'm certainly not putting on a smile and trying to convince everyone I'm perfectly fine. Because I'm not.
    Last edited by Snowflake; Jul. 5, 2014 at 07:44 AM. Reason: better wording


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2006
    Location
    Davie, FL
    Posts
    960

    Default You're not alone...

    Oh boy! Can I ever relate to this story OP! My ex was an internet whore too...except in his little fantasy world he was me! He went online and had "affairs" pretending to be me. People (other cyber sex junkies) knew my entire life, where I worked, my gym schedule, what I looked like, the whole nine. He pretended to be a bi-sexual female and weaves an elaborate story line that literally went internationally "out there". His MO was just like your ex's...online late at night, weird phone calls from "wrong number"or "just a friend". I was receiving gifts from far and wide for people I didn't know and even my dog was a character in his "life".

    When I finally pulled my head out of the sand and decided I didn't need to a doormat anymore, I did a little snooping and figured all this out. As I was doing that he became aware of it and he got very threatening. I'll spare the (sordid but would have you on the edge of your seat) details, but it got to the point where I really thought I was going to wake up with a gun in my face and there would be no second chances (he was a cop...). At that point I split our bank account right down the middle, packed up my stuff in two big garbage bags, loaded up my dog and my cat and left. I moved in with a friend, got a lawyer and divorced him.

    I found out after the fact that he had been using my credit so I was stuck with thousands of dollars of bills to pay to save my credit rating, he was in collection so I got zero in the divorce (I didn't really want any ties to him ever again anyway, F him!), and he ended up fessing up to one of his internet affairs, he convinced her that he was the one she was "in love with" and she moved in with him, married him, they became "swingers", and...wait for it!...they are still together.

    And just yesterday, on my Facebook page, there was a post from the local sheriff's office of a parade that our posse participated in. My ex commented on that post that he used to work that parade every year. (He retired "under investigation" from that agency.) Anyway, I clicked on his name and it said under education that he studied at George Mason University, which he NEVER did...BUT I DID! ARGH! So that makes me wonder if, after 15 years, he is still "using" me somehow.

    Leaving him was the absolute best thing I ever did! I've gone on to an amazing career, I have a priceless set of friends and a fabulous life. I'm sure he sees what I've done and I'm sure he sees me on TV from time to time and I'll be it royally chaps his ass. GOOD! The best revenge is living well! Take care of yourself OP! An awesome life awaits you. The door is open! Burst through it and go LIVE WELL!


    9 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    5,655

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Snowflake View Post
    The "practice proposal" was on June 14th which really was the end of things. We made our split public on the 22nd. I went out with beard guy on the 24th. Was going out on a date a bit premature? Sure. But, at the same time, I wasn't going to sit home and feel sorry for myself.
    Thanks for clarifying... I didn't mean to suggest that there was anything nefarious going on, just wanted to understand how things played out. Beard guy sounds like a nice one, certainly worth further exploration as long as you're emotionally up to it. Forget this crazy loser and eventually you will look back and see him for what he really was - not through the stars in your eyes. We always want to see and believe only the best parts of people and hope that they only tell us the truth. Nobody will ever think less of you for that (and if they do, eff them). It takes time, but eventually you will find a way to reconcile the feelings for what he's done to you and forgive it. Not for his sake, but for your own. Only then will you be free.

    It's time to find yourself again, dear. You should not have to love someone in spite of the way they treat you; you should love them for the way they treat you. Love is a gift - only give it to those who deserve it.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2009
    Posts
    899

    Default

    Totally agree with the poster who said to treat yourself like your own best friend. Great advice!

    That being said, I do think some therapy/counseling will help you get closure and understanding into this relationship that will benefit you in future relationships. Also, it sounds like you and the ex may both be a bit co-dependent and I highly recommend the book "Codependent No More" to get some more insight and understanding.

    As you can see from the responses, many of us have been in this same situation to some degree, the key is just to learn how to avoid it in the future.



  14. #34
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,291

    Default

    This weekend was good for the most part. Though, he did prank call me in the morning yesterday. He's currently in DC - a trip we had planned to go on together - and he knows how much I wanted to be there for the Fourth. The Fourth of July was always a special holiday for him and I. It was the day we had our first kiss and we always had made it a point to spend that time together watching fireworks. So, on the Forth, a friend took me to the drive-in to watch funny movies and after the phone call yesterday, I went over to this same friend's house and played Super Mario Bros. on the Wii (<- so not something I normally do) and it was so much fun! I used to play Super Mario Bros. as a kid so it was lighthearted and silly. Both escapes were very much needed.

    Mornings and evenings are the hardest, when I'm left to my own thoughts. My mind wanders and I start to think of the "Whys?" and the "What ifs?" I sometimes dream of him at night. I need to learn how to combat these thoughts so I can be alone with myself and trust that I'm not going to go there. That's when I know I'll be going in the right direction.

    As part of my healing process, I am going horse shopping on Tuesday. When I got pregnant, he (the ex) had said that I can't be a mother and have horses too because that would mean I'm not devoting 100% of my time and money to my child. I kind of looked at him like "You can't be serious!?" and told him "I'm not going to raise my child with the expectation that the world revolves around them. That's a great way to create children who have no understanding how the real world works." He felt differently, though I'm sure he had no intentions of giving up his golf game. So I am living life for me again and doing things that make me happy.

    The strangest thing has been the men coming out of the woodwork telling me that they have been waiting a long time for me to dump this guy because he didn't deserve me. They have said that they would kill for a girl like me and when I'm ready, they would love to take me out. It's incredibly flattering, though a bit overwhelming at the same time.

    I don't want anyone to look at me and want to fix me. I'm not a project for anyone else. I need to fix me to know I can do it. Should I find myself ever in this position again, broken and feeling alone, I want to know I have the skills and experience to pick up the pieces and carry on.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    4,140

    Default

    That last paragraph is worth everything, OP. Very insightful. Fantastic!

    And have a blast horse shopping. My XDH was allergic to cats. The first thing I did after the breakup was look for one to come into my and my son's home.
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Dec. 17, 2013
    Posts
    7

    Default

    Snowflake I am going through something so very similar. My relationship broke up in December last year with someone who quite frankly is horrid. He abandoned me when I was ill and when I was carrying our child, veered wildly between wanting it and wanting me to get rid of it, even enlisting his friends to threaten me and bully me into giving in to his wishes. Sadly I, like you, lost that baby and went through a very hard time grieving by myself as he left me in the hospital when I miscarried and refused to speak to me again.

    He came back in March and exactly the same as your ex, convinced me he was the person I fell in love with. He pretended that he was grief stricken about his previous bad behaviour and the loss of our baby. I relented and we got back together until I found out he was on a dating website and a request to come off it was met with a resounding no. We stopped seeing each other and speaking again and I have various health issues that have taken up my time and also probably lowered my awareness of what was going on with my body as I put things down to my ill health. Unfortunately it seems that I am pregnant by him again ( there has been no one else), am 13 weeks gone and am in total shock. He won't speak to me, has demanded I get rid of it because I would ruin his life and he has a new girlfriend and believes me keeping the baby would just be out of spite and jealousy. He refuses to speak to me until I agree to a termination as according to him this is the second baby he hasn't wanted with me. Charming. I am reeling in shock at my own stupidity and don't know what to do. I have little family to turn to for support and whilst I am v independent I was on a break from working and living off my savings and intended to job hunt in the fall. Reading your post has given me solace, knowing that at least I'm not alone in being treated badly by someone who professed to love and care about me so thank you for sharing.



  17. #37
    Join Date
    Aug. 9, 2007
    Posts
    9,019

    Default

    Not to hijack, but 2Jakes has been all over the news this weekend, both on TV and in the papers, even in the UK, as she caught a big ssssssnake down in FL the other day. That's her holding the sssssnake's head.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Jun. 18, 2007
    Posts
    3,933

    Default

    Some people are simply pathological liars incapable of faithfulness. My mom's second husband was one. The PI report on him, when we finally got one, was an eye opener. He's the one who once said to a buddy while drunk, which statement we found out later, that his goal in life was to be shot by a jealous husband when he was 95. Yeah, big winner there.

    But the man could have sold ice to the Eskimos. Consummate salesman. To this day, anybody obviously turning on his "charm" button in interactions with women in an apparent designed move to impress them is an automatic turnoff to me and immediately loses points.

    Congratulations for having the strength to leave him. Please take time for yourself, find some other things to do instead of just thinking (the horse shopping is great!), and stay in therapy. Keep reminding yourself who he really is, and the video is part of who he really is - a salesman who can put on a marvelous act to try to manipulate your emotions, all the while being insincere beneath it. And yes, please, get tested for STDs.

    And a good quote to write down and remember. "One may smile and smile and be a villain." Shakespeare was such a marvelous observer of humanity in all its forms.



  19. #39
    Join Date
    Aug. 4, 2006
    Location
    Branson, Missouri
    Posts
    380

    Default

    So sorry to hear this Snowflake. You are not alone. I am in the process of divorcing an equally abusive man.

    And, while I am quite sorry for your miscarriage, the nightmare is even worse when you are fighting for custody of children with a sex addict that has no boundaries.

    You will get better. You will get stronger. Get out there and live your life. And for goodness sake...BUY A HORSE! Fabulous idea. IMHO the best therapy...hands down!
    "I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."



  20. #40
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,291

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lulupippi View Post
    Snowflake I am going through something so very similar. My relationship broke up in December last year with someone who quite frankly is horrid. He abandoned me when I was ill and when I was carrying our child, veered wildly between wanting it and wanting me to get rid of it, even enlisting his friends to threaten me and bully me into giving in to his wishes. Sadly I, like you, lost that baby and went through a very hard time grieving by myself as he left me in the hospital when I miscarried and refused to speak to me again.

    He came back in March and exactly the same as your ex, convinced me he was the person I fell in love with. He pretended that he was grief stricken about his previous bad behaviour and the loss of our baby. I relented and we got back together until I found out he was on a dating website and a request to come off it was met with a resounding no. We stopped seeing each other and speaking again and I have various health issues that have taken up my time and also probably lowered my awareness of what was going on with my body as I put things down to my ill health. Unfortunately it seems that I am pregnant by him again ( there has been no one else), am 13 weeks gone and am in total shock. He won't speak to me, has demanded I get rid of it because I would ruin his life and he has a new girlfriend and believes me keeping the baby would just be out of spite and jealousy. He refuses to speak to me until I agree to a termination as according to him this is the second baby he hasn't wanted with me. Charming. I am reeling in shock at my own stupidity and don't know what to do. I have little family to turn to for support and whilst I am v independent I was on a break from working and living off my savings and intended to job hunt in the fall. Reading your post has given me solace, knowing that at least I'm not alone in being treated badly by someone who professed to love and care about me so thank you for sharing.
    Lulupippi - Hugs to you. Right now, you need to make yourself a priority and do whatever you need to do to get through this. Do not consider him in any of your choices. He certainly didn't take you in consideration with any of his. Who gives a crap what he thinks, how he feels and what he wants?! Keep yourself safe, put the health and safety of yourself and your child first and please reach out for help if you need it. If you need a sympathetic voice who understands what you're going through, I'm happy to give you my number to call anytime. Please know you're not alone and help is here if you need it!


    1 members found this post helpful.

Similar Threads

  1. LONG VENT! I can see where this is going..
    By MonterStables in forum The Menagerie
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: Sep. 20, 2013, 03:24 PM
  2. Really? Sorry just a dog vent *long*
    By Burbank in forum The Menagerie
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: Aug. 13, 2011, 07:08 PM
  3. My Long Not as Sad Story
    By nylonalter in forum Off Course
    Replies: 47
    Last Post: Jun. 19, 2010, 11:23 PM
  4. How Do I Fix This? *Long Vent*
    By WhyMe? in forum Off Course
    Replies: 64
    Last Post: Apr. 26, 2009, 05:37 PM
  5. Vent. **LONG**
    By Bedazzle in forum Off Course
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: Feb. 3, 2009, 11:27 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness