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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
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    The rocky part of KY
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    9,488

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    It's strange but the money thing is what tipped me over to the RUN AWAY camp.

    I'm a big believer that you need to work together in a marriage and lying, or even being "private" about your finances when you are about to move into a legal partnership that will make the other half part of the problem or part of the solution is just not good.

    Same with a spouse that is a dissatisfied job hopper, or believes in division of labor by sex, ie WON'T help around the house at all, lives like a permanent bachelor, or the female partner that can't resist stereotypic female spending- you have GOT to discuss this and get on the same page or your business partnership - your life long marriage and child-raising - will suffer for it.

    Being apart in a relationship can be good to get one away from the "loving presence" and make one take a cold hard look at what married life might be like.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    7 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,889

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    Imagine what your life will be like for the next years if you marry him. Every time he says anything you'll suspect he's lying, your phone calls will be from people he owes money to, everything you buy will be from your money and your credit, until he ruins that too. His parents will greet you with open arms because you are going to take over their problem child. What happens when all of his other past transgressions, and people he's hurt start telling you about other things you probably don't know, and he won't tell you? You'll end up betrayed, broke, and disillusioned, and wish you had called it off now.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    8 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    32,732

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    Even before the details, I was thinking 'if she feels this strongly, don't'
    I mean, I got the impression from the OP that the situation caused near allergic reactions to her. Not a good sign.

    And unless you are a dominatrix, I don't think living with a yes-man is satisfying.

    Dishonesty however, is a huge deal breaker. Marriage is NOT about love, it is a business contract! It is ALL about money and obligations, not the fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach! Financial inconsistencies, etc are a HUGE deal!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2014
    Posts
    959

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    I'd postpone the wedding, but I'd go to counseling together before breaking off the relationship. I think every couple goes through some tough periods in relationships, and it's how you handle it as a team that determines the future. Counseling can help you learn how to open the lines of communication and work together. It's tough being a military couple, and you're going to hit rough spots again in the future. I hate hearing the COTH advice to drop him like a hot potato when we don't know the whole situation.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,482

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    Quote Originally Posted by independentlyawesome View Post
    I'd postpone the wedding, but I'd go to counseling together before breaking off the relationship. I think every couple goes through some tough periods in relationships, and it's how you handle it as a team that determines the future. Counseling can help you learn how to open the lines of communication and work together. It's tough being a military couple, and you're going to hit rough spots again in the future. I hate hearing the COTH advice to drop him like a hot potato when we don't know the whole situation.
    I concur. Both of you are the point in your lives where you are young enough and open-minded enough that you can change and you can avoid making mistakes if you keep your eyes open and try to do the best you can. That being said, I would put the brakes on the impending marriage and just try to sort things out as a couple. Then be together for a few years and grow as a couple and as individuals before you decide to get married.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2003
    Posts
    1,385

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    Couples counseling won't fix habitual lying. Lying is a red flag on its own, lying about finances is a HUGE red flag if you're considering marriage.

    She could spend a few years trying to grow with someone who runs up debt, gets his parents to pay it off then lies about running it up again. Or she could spend time finding someone who is already trustworthy and has similar views to her about how to manage finances and the importance of being honest.

    It's s choice of where to put the effort.
    Last edited by hb; May. 18, 2014 at 02:28 PM.


    18 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2010
    Posts
    68

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    I'd postpone the wedding, but I'd go to counseling together before breaking off the relationship. I think every couple goes through some tough periods in relationships, and it's how you handle it as a team that determines the future. Counseling can help you learn how to open the lines of communication and work together.
    In my humble opinion, if you have to go to counselling BEFORE you actually get married, you shouldn't be getting married. The "before" should be the easy part, it only gets harder after you're married. I'm sure someone will chime in with an anecdote about having premarital councelling, and now being in the world's best relationship; and I say, I'm glad it worked for you but it is not the norm at all.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2004
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    2,970

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    If you don't trust him, even if it's just an instinct, DONT MARRY HIM!!!! Listen to yourself.
    send some of their smart literate deer who can read road signs up here since ours are just run of the mill dumb ones who get splatted all over creation because they won't stay in the woods


    5 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Oct. 30, 2013
    Posts
    428

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    Quote Originally Posted by Milocalwinnings View Post
    I need to let this out somewhere.

    I've been negates for 6 months.
    I think it's pretty telling that you accidentally typed "negates" instead of "engaged"!

    You already know what you need to do.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    South-Central PA
    Posts
    2,311

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    RUN NOW!!! Don't worry what anybody will think, just do it!
    Cindy


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Nov. 22, 2003
    Location
    MN
    Posts
    2,101

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    BTDT with a liar, too. Called it off and so glad I dodged that bullet.

    In this case (as with having babies, for me) I'd rather regret not doing it, than do it and regret it.
    In Which I Attempt to Not Suck at Riding: http://thenextfurlong.blogspot.com


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    ohio
    Posts
    1,130

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    Please think very carefully before you marry him if you are having doubts. I sure wish I'd have listened to my dad after my rehersal when he said, "You know you don't have to do this if you don't want to...it's not too late!" He knew me better than I knew myself. I NEVER should have married husband #1.

    7 miserable years later I divorced him and now I am married to the most wonderful man in the world. It's not fair to either of you to marry him if you are not sure.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Oct. 11, 2007
    Location
    Andover, MA
    Posts
    5,747

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    This sounds like someone to walk, no run, away from. Lying, financial problems, etc. are hard enough to deal with when you're in the same place. When you're not, it's just a recipe for worries and accusations.

    In any case, you don't sound *that* interested in him, like you really, really want to marry him. "I got married because I was too embarrassed to call it off at the last minute" never works out, as far as I can tell.

    I walked away from my first fiance. I had good reasons to, and it was still tough (mostly because I felt like such a heel!) But knowing who he is now -- we have stayed in touch and are still friends -- I am SO happy I didn't marry him.
    You have to have experiences to gain experience.

    Proudly owned by Mythic Feronia, 1998 Morgan mare; G-dspeed Trump & Minnie; welcome 2014 Morgan filly MtnTop FlyWithMeJosephine


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Nov. 29, 2008
    Posts
    3,093

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheesetoast View Post
    In my humble opinion, if you have to go to counselling BEFORE you actually get married, you shouldn't be getting married. The "before" should be the easy part, it only gets harder after you're married. I'm sure someone will chime in with an anecdote about having premarital councelling, and now being in the world's best relationship; and I say, I'm glad it worked for you but it is not the norm at all.
    Counseling may be appropriate for anyone at some point in their life if they feel emotionally "stuck", and need guidance to get to the source of emotions.

    No one is perfect, and we are all on a continuous journey of self improvement.

    People who seek to never let change occur within or around them, are suffering, and can cause others to suffer.

    No one can remain a never changing part of an infinitely changing universe. To resist change will create a dam, that the currents of universe will flood against, until the dam bursts in torrents of chaos.

    We must not build dams in the currents of our life, but instead learn to create ourselves such as a strong and seaworthy ship, so that we may navigate the tides of change in our lives, and remain aware of our guiding star, so that where ever we may be blown off course by a storm of fate, we may once again steer towards our guiding star, and remain on our course that we choose to follow, towards what we seek to discover by the journey of our life.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2000
    Location
    Heaven - Rappahannock County, Virginia
    Posts
    1,855

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    my grandmother's advice - you don't marry a man because you want to live with him, you marry him because you can't live without him.

    you marry someone that helps you to be the best version of you that you can be.

    this isn't that guy.
    * trying hard to be the person that my horses think i am


    7 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2000
    Location
    midwest
    Posts
    10,450

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    Quote Originally Posted by Milocalwinnings View Post
    I feel like I need a break. I know I do. We have 14 months until the wedding. I am not being fair or kind to him by fighting with him or pointing things out that he's seemed to have done. I'm just not brave enough at this point to make that call to tell him that I need time to decide if I still feel the same about him as he does about me.
    ((Hugs)) You have made one decision but need a messenger to give him the information. Were you my daughter I would advise to put your thoughts in writing, give it to him and do not be swayed by any pleading he does. If in 6 months or so you feel differently then start dating him again.

    A cheap, no-contest, divorce is $3000. Once he gets his claws into your finances legally via marriage you might find yourself having to pay out more than 3K to unload him. He sounds like a spoiled, barn sour horse, walk away from him even if his conformation is perfect.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2004
    Location
    Pottstown, PA (East Coventry)
    Posts
    3,112

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    Quote Originally Posted by alterhorse View Post
    Counseling may be appropriate for anyone at some point in their life if they feel emotionally "stuck", and need guidance to get to the source of emotions.

    No one is perfect, and we are all on a continuous journey of self improvement.

    People who seek to never let change occur within or around them, are suffering, and can cause others to suffer.

    No one can remain a never changing part of an infinitely changing universe. To resist change will create a dam, that the currents of universe will flood against, until the dam bursts in torrents of chaos.

    We must not build dams in the currents of our life, but instead learn to create ourselves such as a strong and seaworthy ship, so that we may navigate the tides of change in our lives, and remain aware of our guiding star, so that where ever we may be blown off course by a storm of fate, we may once again steer towards our guiding star, and remain on our course that we choose to follow, towards what we seek to discover by the journey of our life.
    Number 1 not everybody needs counseling to change
    Number 2 not everybody is on a continuous journey of self improvement. Many people think they are fine just as they are -whether they are or are not
    Number 3 while everybody is not perfect there are plently of people that do not realize that about them selves.
    There are plenty of people that have no interest in changing who or what they are.
    Oh, well, clearly you're not thoroughly indoctrinated to COTH yet, because finger pointing and drawing conclusions are the cornerstones of this great online community. (Tidy Rabbit)


    4 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,977

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    Wow...Amazing...everyone agrees...Don't get married. "Married in Haste, Repent at leisure".

    I literally had the ex-mrs. Trakehner pick a fight at the altar. She was mad I wasn't pining for the first sight of her as she walked in the church door. Nothing like a bit of a scowl on the bride and she actually bitched at the altar I didn't concentrate on her entrance. Unfortunately, went through with the marriage due to family coming from out of town, inertia etc.

    For Gawd's Sake....listen to the voice in your head (not the voice that says burn the school down...the other voice)...don't get hitched, at least not to this guy.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    19 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
    Join Date
    Nov. 4, 2003
    Location
    Dallas, Georgia
    Posts
    16,770

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    As stated: When in doubt, don't. Applies to soooo much but especially a life mate.

    Never EVER settle for second best.

    Better temporary pain from the un-engagement than long term agony over a miserable life & ugly divorce.
    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2004
    Location
    Magnolia, TX
    Posts
    5,627

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    Quote Originally Posted by Milocalwinnings View Post
    He lied about his finances... 3 months after his parents paid off his credit card I asked him if he had continued to keep it paid off. He said yes and that he put money in savings each month. He pulled his account up one day to see if a refund had hit. Turns out he had built up over $6000 on the credit card and his checking and savings account had hardly anything. He played it off like he had no idea what happened. When I asked him about the finances 2.5 months later he had somehow managed to pay it off, save $8000, pay for school, pay his mortgage/bills, and spend $2000 for a plane ticket out here. I don't trust that he's being honest about it.
    RUN!

    My maternal grandfather did this to my grandmother their entire marriage. The fool was smart enough to divorce him when he landed himself in jail but remarried him on account of having three children and all his promises to change. She wasted her life on him. My mother babysat him in his final years, and he repeatedly pulled the same crap on her: lying about money, hiding spending, digging himself into financial abyss. For mom, it was just about trying to sort him out so his bills got paid, but for my grandmother, it was foreclosures and repos, working up to three jobs at a time just to make ends meet only to find he'd gone behind her back and sank them again.

    It would be one thing if this guy was clean with you about having a spending problem. If he was forthcoming about debt and made himself accountable to you or someone else in a real effort, I'd say give him a chance. But he's hiding it and lying to you. Allow me to emphasize that point: He's a liar! Run. Now.
    Jer 29: 11-13



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