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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2006
    Location
    VA (or MS during the school year)
    Posts
    2,501

    Unhappy Having second thoughts about getting married. UPDATE: been a week and he has new girl

    I need to let this out somewhere.

    I've been negates for 6 months. We were together for only 11 months before getting engaged. I will admit now that we were in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship still at that point. We thought we were perfect for each other. Our friends and family all still say that we are perfect for each other. I'm not so sure anymore.

    About 2 months after getting engaged I got stationed overseas with the Army. We had done the long distance thing before for several months so we weren't too worried about it. We were able to talk on the phone and text/chat on Facebook. I've been here 3.5 months and things were fine at first but now not so much. I feel like I look back and see all these little things that have added up and finally broken me. I feel like he doesn't think for himself but instead does/says things he thinks I or other people want to see/hear. I feel like he talks out of his a$$ sometimes. I don't trust that he is being truthful with me (regarding finances, plans, etc). When I ask for his opinion I know he tells me what it want to hear. When I talk to him about these things I am left still feeling the same way.

    These are things that I feel like shouldn't bother me but do. A lot. I am angry all the time about it. We argue about everything because I bring up what I just said above and again, I feel like he tells me what he thinks I want to hear. I've grown apart from him. I feel like I have swept the little things under the rug until there was no more room, and now everything else that happens with us just adds to my anger. I realize the majority of our issues are my fault, because I let these things bother me way more than they probably should.

    I feel like I need a break. I know I do. We have 14 months until the wedding. I am not being fair or kind to him by fighting with him or pointing things out that he's seemed to have done. I'm just not brave enough at this point to make that call to tell him that I need time to decide if I still feel the same about him as he does about me.
    Last edited by Milocalwinnings; Jun. 8, 2014 at 08:38 AM.
    "People ask me 'will I remember them if I make it'. I ask them 'will you remember me if I don't?'"



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 2, 2009
    Location
    California
    Posts
    254


    71 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Up until the moment you say I do, it's not too late to call it off. And it doesn't make you a bad person and no one who cares about you is going to hold it over your head. Is it embarrassing to call off an engagement? Yes! Is it the end of the world? No. BTDT have the t-shirt.

    LD is also challenging even when you have a solid relationship. (BTDT too...doing it now!) But if you don't feel like you can trust his judgment or actions right now, or that he's always shape shifting to please people and can't be a good solid person to bounce things off of then by all means...take a break!

    I will say that as the person who is "back home" while DH is overseas, I have a tendency to do a bit of the same. I don't want him worrying about crap back here if he doesn't have to. He's got enough on his plate. And sometimes, conversations ARE short and terse because I've got stuff to do and he's got stuff to do and the "business" type convos feel a little exhausting. So the stress/strain of LD really can make some things mountains when they're molehills.

    But I'm married. You're not. And if you're having serious second thoughts then you should do something about it.

    It's not going to get easier by waiting longer.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    4 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,865

    Default

    "When in doubt, don't" is always good advice, especially when it comes to something as serious and life altering for at least two people as getting married is.

    I will warn you, it will break your heart, will have you second guessing yourself, but that is really better and more fair to both of you than getting married, which is a serious commitment to someone else and then resenting whatever you are having second thoughts over from then on.

    Whatever you do, give yourself time to find what you really want, what is bothering you, then proceed with what you decide.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb. 16, 2003
    Location
    MI USA
    Posts
    7,298

    Default

    Get some counseling for yourself, and then Couples counseling, which should help you better see how the other person thinks and reacts. I know a number of folks who have done the Pre-Marriage session thru their Churches, found out much more about each other. Some folks get to be even closer, while others called off the Wedding, with basic thinking on important topics too different to bridge the gap. One was Child Discipline, they were polar opposites in how to do it! Some have issues on how to manage income after the marriage, while still others were Religious based, which they could not make come together in basic beliefs.

    Being off on location is going to be hard to start, but may have you playing the SAME scenes over and over in your mind. You may or may not be recalling things correctly, or have slanted what you hear into a critical view that is just driving you nuts. Real hard to get back to a place you can see this reasonably, or if you are correct in your viewpoints. Some folks ARE going to just want to make other person happy, say what you want them to. Just the way they are made. Doing counseling with a Moderator will help get thru various ploys of "trying to make you happy" in listening, replaying the conversations, asking deeper questions.

    We did pre-marital counseling, which covers a multi-page list of questions to ask ourselves, then compared the answers. Talks with a Priest on Religion, views of what the Church expects of married folks, how real life can get in the way of good communication. Have to say it was eye-opening, covered MUCH that we had never thought to ask of the other person. And we THOUGHT we were VERY open with each other, had gone together a very long time!!

    Start with self-counseling thru the Military right now! Stress of your work, being alone over there is REAL and needs help to be dealt with. Work on it, they have a lot of help available, you are not the only person serving who has difficulty with their life. Then get into the Couples stuff when you get back home and can attend that together.

    My best wishes to you, it is not easy doing what you are doing now. I hope things work out well with the counseling. However people are ALWAYS CHANGING, so you are not the same person you were when you started dating him. Maybe your ideas of the "perfect mate" have changed too, so he is not suitable any more. It happens. Better to find out ahead of the Wedding, than after. YOU need to be happy with your decisions, don't worry about other folks or their opinions if you cancel things. Every engagement does not end in a Wedding, and there are a LOT of good reasons they get called off.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr. 19, 2004
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,549

    Default

    Do not get married.

    When someone says they need a break it really means they need a break up. It doesn't matter if it's your fault or not, it sounds like he annoys you and that's grounds for breaking up with someone. Right, wrong, or indifferent, you don't love him so please break up with him. It's ok, you're not a bad person.


    15 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2009
    Location
    Alberta's bread basket
    Posts
    1,598

    Default

    If you're having doubts, stop.

    There is no rush to get married.

    You can put it off for another year and reassess the situation. If it is still unacceptable, let the relationship go.

    It is better to stop, than to go forward and regret it later.

    The lawyers get really rich in divorce court from all the marriages that failed because a doubtful partner pushed through "to try to make it work".
    http://www.mariposasporthorses.com/

    Practice! Patience! Persistence!


    12 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov. 29, 2008
    Posts
    3,055

    Default

    A good counselor might help you sort out the source for your feelings.

    It could be as simple as discovering that you're not compatible, but the fact that a marriage was planned, might seem to suggest that there may be feelings that you are not yet fully aware of.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,285

    Default

    Second thoughts trumps marriage Every Single Time.

    Sort it out, buy time as quietly as you can, but do not get married yet. Sort!
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


    5 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2003
    Posts
    1,374

    Default

    I was engaged to someone who always said and did what he thought other people wanted. He seemed like a great guy because he always acted nice and agreed with people. . We seemed to have everything in common, because he pretended to like the same things I liked. Everyone thought we were a great match and my friends were happy for me when we got engaged.

    After living together things started to feel off. I couldn't figure out exactly what was wrong. I tried to talk to him about what I was feeling and he expressed concern that I was depressed or having emotional issues. He gaslighted me and I almost bought in to it.

    Luckily he had a teenage son that lived with us half the time. That was lucky for me because seeing how he dealt with his son and the son's mother showed me what a giant phoney he was. He often lied to both of them and I started doubting things he told me.

    He finally agreed to have a talk about our relationship rather than just say he thought everything was fine. That day he had a melt down, told me he'd been resenting me for months because I kept pushing him to deal with his kid when he really just wanted me to take care of everything, he was annoyed I expected him to pay his share of the household expenses because he had a lot of credit card debt and I didn't so he felt I should subsidize him and he told me he was tired of pretending to be the person he thought I wanted him to be. In other words, he came out and said he was a selfish, phoney asshole.

    When I asked him who he really was, since he'd just been pretending all along, he said he didn't know, had spent his whole life saying what he thought people wanted to hear and didn't even know what he wanted for himself any more. He wanted my pity, but I was repulsed by his dishonest approach to life.

    I had broken off the engagement a couple of months before this conversation. That happened after he had slipped up and told me some of the truth about his financial situation I told him I felt it would be best if he cleaned up his finances before we got married. After this conversation I asked him to move out and get himself sorted out before we tried to continue a relationship. After a couple of months of staying in communication after he moved out I finally just told him I didn't even want to be friends.

    I couldn't believe a word he said and he was just a weak person and empty inside and I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

    He was able to keep up the phoney act for about a year before I really started doubting him. If I had married him he probably would have dragged me down emotionally and financially. He had been through bankruptcy and two foreclosures in his prior two marriages. In addition to turning things around and saying maybe I was depressed when I expressed doubts about our relationship, he had a way of mocking me and putting me down but saying it was funny and he was just joking. I didn't like it so I would just say, "that's not funny, stop it" which greatly frustrated him. He complained that his second wife was an insecure mess, later I wondered if she just wasn't sharp enough to catch the way he would try to undermine people. But he was such a great guy! Barf.

    Don't marry a pretender.
    Last edited by hb; May. 18, 2014 at 02:19 AM.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2006
    Location
    VA (or MS during the school year)
    Posts
    2,501

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by hb View Post
    I was engaged to someone who always said and did what he thought other people wanted. He seemed like a great guy because he always acted nice and agreed with people. . We seemed to have everything in common, because he pretended to like the same things I liked. Everyone thought we were a great match and my friends were happy for me when we got engaged.

    After living together things started to feel off. I couldn't figure out exactly what was wrong. I tried to talk to him about what I was feeling and he expressed concern that I was depressed or having emotional issues. He gaslighted me and I almost bought in to it.

    Luckily he had a teenage son that lived with us half the time. That was lucky for me because seeing how he dealt with his son and the son's mother showed me what a giant phoney he was. He often lied to both of them and I started doubting things he told me.

    He finally agreed to have a talk about our relationship rather than just say he thought everything was fine. That day he had a melt down, told me he'd been resenting me for months because I kept pushing him to deal with his kid when he really just wanted me to take care of everything, he was annoyed I expected him to pay his share of the household expenses because he had a lot of credit card debt and I didn't so he felt I should subsidize him and he told me he was tired of pretending to be the person he thought I wanted him to be. In other words, he came out and said he was a selfish, phoney asshole.

    When I asked him who he really was, since he'd just been pretending all along, he said he didn't know, had spent his whole life saying what he thought people wanted to hear and didn't even know what he wanted for himself any more. He wanted my pity, but I was repulsed by his dishonest approach to life.

    I had broken off the engagement a couple of months before this conversation. That happened after he had slipped up and told me some of the truth about his financial situation I told him I felt it would be best if he cleaned up his finances before we got married. After this conversation I asked him to move out and get himself sorted out before we tried to continue a relationship. After a couple of months of staying in communication after he moved out I finally just told him I didn't even want to be friends.

    I couldn't believe a word he said and he was just a weak person and empty inside and I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

    He was able to keep up the phoney act for about a year before I really started doubting him. If I had married him he probably would have dragged me down emotionally and financially. He had been through bankruptcy and two foreclosures in his prior two marriages. In addition to turning things around and saying maybe I was depressed when I expressed doubts about our relationship, he had a way of mocking me and putting me down but saying it was funny and he was just joking. I didn't like it so I would just say, "that's not funny, stop it" which greatly frustrated him. He complained that his second wife was an insecure mess, later I wondered if she just wasn't sharp enough to catch the way he would try to undermine people. But he was such a great guy! Barf.

    Don't marry a pretender.
    This sounds all too familiar.

    He lied about his finances... 3 months after his parents paid off his credit card I asked him if he had continued to keep it paid off. He said yes and that he put money in savings each month. He pulled his account up one day to see if a refund had hit. Turns out he had built up over $6000 on the credit card and his checking and savings account had hardly anything. He played it off like he had no idea what happened. When I asked him about the finances 2.5 months later he had somehow managed to pay it off, save $8000, pay for school, pay his mortgage/bills, and spend $2000 for a plane ticket out here. I don't trust that he's being honest about it.

    We have very different views about a lot of controversial topics. Which is fine, we laid these out up front and neither of is expect the other person to change their beliefs. Well, if something comes up with his parents or friends, he will tell express his opinion how he thinks they want him to. If I express my opinion, he changes his statements so that they are generally in agreement with mine (even though I know that's not what he believes).

    I'm a super independent person. I want us to both hold beliefs and desires of our own, regardless of if they are what the other person thinks. I don't do clingy, and lately I feel smothered by it.
    "People ask me 'will I remember them if I make it'. I ask them 'will you remember me if I don't?'"


    5 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct. 18, 2000
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    7,945

    Default

    ^ This. Reread your post. Is this what you want to be living with? I wouldn't want to.
    "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." Albert Einstein

    http://s1098.photobucket.com/albums/...2011%20Photos/


    18 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr. 14, 2007
    Location
    Pen Argyl PA
    Posts
    3,785

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Milocalwinnings View Post
    This sounds all too familiar.

    He lied about his finances... 3 months after his parents paid off his credit card I asked him if he had continued to keep it paid off. He said yes and that he put money in savings each month. He pulled his account up one day to see if a refund had hit. Turns out he had built up over $6000 on the credit card and his checking and savings account had hardly anything. He played it off like he had no idea what happened. When I asked him about the finances 2.5 months later he had somehow managed to pay it off, save $8000, pay for school, pay his mortgage/bills, and spend $2000 for a plane ticket out here. I don't trust that he's being honest about it.

    We have very different views about a lot of controversial topics. Which is fine, we laid these out up front and neither of is expect the other person to change their beliefs. Well, if something comes up with his parents or friends, he will tell express his opinion how he thinks they want him to. If I express my opinion, he changes his statements so that they are generally in agreement with mine (even though I know that's not what he believes).

    I'm a super independent person. I want us to both hold beliefs and desires of our own, regardless of if they are what the other person thinks. I don't do clingy, and lately I feel smothered by it.
    OMG do not look back, get your stuff and get the heck OUT of that relationship before he RUINS you. I have been there. GET OUT NOW. end it, move on.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2009
    Posts
    684

    Default

    One word we all understand. WHOA!


    8 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb. 26, 2011
    Location
    Its not nowhere, but you can see it from here
    Posts
    3,825

    Default

    It is much easier to re-plan a wedding than it is to get divorced.
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"


    24 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,544

    Default

    Don't you dare marry him, or continue a relationship. He's repeatedly lied to you, and I'm betting he lied to the parents who paid off his credit cards, and everyone else too. He has a repeated history of bad finances, lying about them, and ripping off those closest to him. If you stay with him you will be ruined financially, and probably never fully trust anyone again after you realize you knew what a liar and cheat his is, and always will be. Being stuck with someone like that costs you financially, emotionally, and is a killer of the soul. You knew before you posted that he was bad for you, and only lying to keep the gravy train rolling. If he lies about money, then I bet he's lying about everything else too. Everyone I know who married someone that they had severe doubts about, or saw red flags and ignored them, is now divorced, and can't understand why they went through with the wedding at all. Get out now before you are legally stuck with him, and your finances are destroyed. I doubt you're responsible for his debts before marriage, but after everything will be on your credit because his sucks. You are looking at a life of bill collectors, and other people he owes money to hounding you for payment, and he'll never change. Once a liar, always a liar. You need to be with someone who is honest with you, won't lie about everything, and wants to be with you for something besides your paycheck. Please treat yourself better, and find someone who loves you for yourself.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    4 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2002
    Location
    PA, where the State motto is: "If it makes sense, we don't do it!".
    Posts
    11,090

    Default Just send his ring back to him....

    unless he's super dense I think he'll get the message. You may include a short note and don't forget to insure the package.

    Your assessment of the situation does not bode well for your long term happiness, and that is what we want for you! For anyone who's been on COTH for any length of time it's like having many sisters (and a couple of brothers, lol) and we don't want to see each other fail. In 98% of cases COTHers give great advice.

    I've heard it said that first marriages are for practice--they shouldn't be, but.... I'm on my second marriage. If I had listened to the people around me at the time, and to that little voice in the back of my head I wouldn't have married the first guy!

    Your fellow sounds like a loser.
    "Good gardening is very simple, really. You just have to learn to think like a plant." ~Barbara Damrosch~


    6 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar. 27, 2008
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    1,773

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Milocalwinnings View Post
    This sounds all too familiar.

    He lied about his finances... 3 months after his parents paid off his credit card I asked him if he had continued to keep it paid off. He said yes and that he put money in savings each month. He pulled his account up one day to see if a refund had hit. Turns out he had built up over $6000 on the credit card and his checking and savings account had hardly anything. He played it off like he had no idea what happened. When I asked him about the finances 2.5 months later he had somehow managed to pay it off, save $8000, pay for school, pay his mortgage/bills, and spend $2000 for a plane ticket out here. I don't trust that he's being honest about it.

    We have very different views about a lot of controversial topics. Which is fine, we laid these out up front and neither of is expect the other person to change their beliefs. Well, if something comes up with his parents or friends, he will tell express his opinion how he thinks they want him to. If I express my opinion, he changes his statements so that they are generally in agreement with mine (even though I know that's not what he believes).

    I'm a super independent person. I want us to both hold beliefs and desires of our own, regardless of if they are what the other person thinks. I don't do clingy, and lately I feel smothered by it.
    Huge red flags. ABORT! ABORT!
    You are what you dare.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2001
    Posts
    9,265

    Default

    Marriage is difficult, even when entered into with honesty, integrity and under the best of circumstances.

    That doesn't sound like the kind of situation you are dealing with.
    See those flying monkeys? They work for me.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2003
    Posts
    1,374

    Default

    It was a little embarrassing writing about my ex. Even though I didn't marry him, I felt like a fool to have believed him at all. But if hearing my story helps you keep from making a big mistake that makes me feel a little better.

    My ex had drained his ex-wife's 401 (k) to pay down their credit card debt, then they went out andbought two new cars and ran the credit cards back up again. High five figures in credit card debt. Then when he realized there was no way out of the hole they had dug he left her and walked away from the mortgage that they were no longer able to pay. Now, his ex-wife had a serious spending problem too, and wasn't an innocent victim, but she was in a much worse place after they split than before he came into her life. He still has his pension and she is 53 with zero retirement savings.

    When I think of the guilt trip he laid on me for breaking off the engagement and realize much of his frustration with our relationship was that he did not have access to my finances I get chills.


    18 members found this post helpful.

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