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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May. 31, 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay Area
    Posts
    260

    Default Was I a bad friend?

    Backstory - friend referenced here broke up with her boyfriend last year, been struggling with trying the online dating thing for several months. Friend and I usually have a burgers and beer night on Wednesdays.

    Tuesday night, I ask if she wants to go out Wednesday night. She says no, she might have a date for drinks with a new guy. Okay, I pick up takeout Wednesday, plan a relaxing night in.

    Guy flakes on friend and no date happens. Doesn't even call her at all. I'm eating dinner, she texts, after a little convo about basically drowning sorrow in wine and cheese I suggest she order pizza, still have a junk food night. Following conversation happens.

    Friend: Pizza ordered. Want to come wallow in my pity and eat some?
    Me: I just ate.
    F: okay crappy friend.
    Me: oh geez. Want me to bring over ice cream?
    F: no
    Me: come over just for company?
    F: I'm good.
    Me: you sure? I still have my bra on. (Our running joke about not leaving the house commando).
    F: yeah. I'm fine

    Nothing else since then, which is unusual. I see on FB she's out tonight and I text - how is x place you're visiting?

    Nothing.

    So, did I fail as a friend here? Should I have just gone over anyway? My BF says be the bigger person, say you're sorry for not being there. What say you all?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec. 16, 2006
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    Here
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    519

    Default

    I think your friend was having a bad night and wanted to be mad at someone. I personally don't think you did anything wrong. I mean, even though you already ate, you could have said "yeah, I ate already, but I can still come talk smack about this guy with you" or whatever. But you did at least offer to hang out and she said no. Just give her some time and I bet she'll chill and come around.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
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    5,902

    Default

    I agree to be the bigger person and just say you're sorry you didn't come, BUT you were not a bad friend, and you didn't do anything wrong. You demurred mildly once, and then offered to come over 3 times. You're fine.

    She's understandably in a crappy headspace and possibly unreasonably sensitive right now, and as this sounds like an important friendship, just go ahead and contact her like bf advises.
    Proud Member Of The Lady Mafia


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Grown ups can deal with disappointment without a friend dropping everything to come give a hug.

    A disappointment is not a crisis.

    In a CRISIS, yes--you go.

    This was not a crisis.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    31 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,954

    Default

    Good lord no! If that's being a crappy friend...well, then I have no idea how I have friends at all.
    COTH's official mini-donk enabler

    "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl


    13 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2006
    Posts
    3,554

    Default

    I don't think you were a bad friend. But perhaps from her perspective, no one wanted to be with her that night. That's gotta sting a bit.

    Agree with Coanteen and your bf, give her a shout.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    9,266

    Default

    She missed going out with someone she didn't even know. I don't think that's a crisis, but I think she dodged a bullet.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2010
    Posts
    2,996

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by KTRider View Post
    Backstory - friend referenced here broke up with her boyfriend last year, been struggling with trying the online dating thing for several months. Friend and I usually have a burgers and beer night on Wednesdays.

    Tuesday night, I ask if she wants to go out Wednesday night. She says no, she might have a date for drinks with a new guy. Okay, I pick up takeout Wednesday, plan a relaxing night in.

    Guy flakes on friend and no date happens. Doesn't even call her at all. I'm eating dinner, she texts, after a little convo about basically drowning sorrow in wine and cheese I suggest she order pizza, still have a junk food night. Following conversation happens.

    Friend: Pizza ordered. Want to come wallow in my pity and eat some?
    Me: I just ate.
    F: okay crappy friend.
    Me: oh geez. Want me to bring over ice cream?
    F: no
    Me: come over just for company?
    F: I'm good.
    Me: you sure? I still have my bra on. (Our running joke about not leaving the house commando).
    F: yeah. I'm fine

    Nothing else since then, which is unusual. I see on FB she's out tonight and I text - how is x place you're visiting?

    Nothing.

    So, did I fail as a friend here? Should I have just gone over anyway? My BF says be the bigger person, say you're sorry for not being there. What say you all?
    Are you sure she's legal? Sounds like a big baby to me.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    6 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2004
    Location
    Left coast, left wing, left field
    Posts
    6,528

    Default

    I'm not sure I would even apologize. I get tired of being the bigger person. You hadn't even said no to coming over when she called you a crappy friend. Were you not supposed to eat until you found out whether her date went well? And without an LOL or smiley face to take the sting out of it! I wouldn't hold a grudge, but I'd wait for her to contact me. Beware the cult of apologies.
    Arrange whatever pieces come your way. - Virginia Woolf

    Did you know that if you say the word "GULLIBLE" really softly, it sounds like "ORANGES"?


    12 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 23, 2011
    Location
    hunterdon, nj
    Posts
    928

    Default

    You are a better friend than I am, I just can't deal with this sort of high maintenance baloney. I'd have probably written her off long ago.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,632

    Default

    I agree with JoZ. If you're constantly apologizing people walk all over you. If she's STILL sulking that you didn't instantly drop everything and rush over because she's having a bad night, she needs to grow up. BuddyRoo is right, grown-ups can deal without someone rushing over to hug them and make sure they're all right.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep. 19, 2013
    Location
    Chadds Ford
    Posts
    257

    Default

    So let me get this straight...your friend decides to make plans with a guy rather then your somewhat typical Wednesday night thing...guy stands her up and she wants you to drop everything and hang out with her? I'm not thinking you are the one that is a bad friend...


    21 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar. 17, 2003
    Location
    North Texas, US
    Posts
    2,186

    Default

    I agree with Pandora...what's the saying "Ho's before Beau's!" She ditched you then got stood up and YOU're the bad friend for having eaten on your own? No thanks. I don't need that kind of drama in my life.
    www.debracysporthorses.com
    Home of Sea Accounts xx
    AHS/HV, ATA, GOV, RPSI, JC, AQHA, APHA, APtHA
    "LIKE" www.facebook.com/SeaAccounts


    6 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Feb. 19, 2007
    Location
    Washington, DC
    Posts
    878

    Default

    And this is why I take my bra off the instant I get home. A running joke with my own friends


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,549

    Default

    Ditto Pandora. I would wait for her to get over her snit and reach back out to me. Because you already offered to be there for her three times!
    Last edited by fordtraktor; Apr. 11, 2014 at 05:20 AM.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2012
    Posts
    2,031

    Default

    You're obviously not a bad friend, but how to go forward totally depends on how your friend's personality. Is she a drama queen who is prone to snits? Demanding? High maintenance? Let her come around on her own...or not. Is she normally pretty even-keeled? Low key? I'd be gentle with her and reach out to break the ice. You don't have to apologize for something you didn't do wrong, but you can certainly broach the subject and get your friend's side of the story.

    Also, if you happen to be in your early twenties, there is hope. Many (most?) women outgrow this kind of high school, "you should be able to read my mind/I need you to drop everything to support me through every broken nail!" attitude within a couple of years of graduating from college. People grow up, become more independent, etc.

    I had a younger roommate who was getting sucked into constant drama along the lines of, "But I wanted you to (come all the way out of your way to) pregame at my place (instead of meeting me at the bar that's close to your apartment), the night's not going to be any fun unless you come over first, I don't know what to wear, I thought we were getting dressed together, blah blah!" This would translate into snits that lasted the whole night...or longer. I just told her that once they had real lives they wouldn't have time for that kind of stuff, which she didn't appreciate at the time but proved very true...



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Aug. 1, 2007
    Location
    West Palm Beach, FL
    Posts
    4,703

    Default

    Pssssh, I'd be expecting HER to apologize to ME for calling me a crappy friend and being a brat!
    People call themselves animal lovers, then let their dogs chase the squirrels. You're scaring the shit out of the squirrels, you schmuck!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2007
    Location
    Napanee ON
    Posts
    4,359

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Come Shine View Post
    I don't think you were a bad friend. But perhaps from her perspective, no one wanted to be with her that night. That's gotta sting a bit.

    Agree with Coanteen and your bf, give her a shout.
    OP was the one who was originally ditched for a guy, I hate being the "back up " friend. Lame. Your friend is being a baby OP.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2010
    Location
    Horse Heaven
    Posts
    1,924

    Default

    You offered to come over that night, after the initial mis-cue. You checked in on her twice since. And all you get is cold shoulder?!

    Uhm. This is not a friend, but a thin-skinned high maintenance relationship.

    Apologize for what, reaching out several times and still getting her cold shoulder? Yikes.

    Invest in other friends until she grows up and stops feeling sorry for herself.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2009
    Posts
    961

    Default

    Y'all might remember some of the Tiffy tales I've told about my DD's former* godmother - here's one, post #125: http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/sh...children/page7.

    So, last Saturday, Tiffy posted to her FB page:

    I woke up this morning to be advised by a seven-year-old that yesterday, my husband went and spent an annoying amount of time talking with a friend and looking at a house to buy. Apparently it takes an honest seven-year-old to tell me to protect myself. Apparently, there's no limit to the depths that one will go. It's a new day.

    I texted her to shut down all her bank accounts, change the locks on her house immediately and have her mechanic go over her car with a fine-tuned comb, since apparently her 'personal hero' DH - who owes over $250K to the IRS, hasn't held a job in several years and is prone to driving around the 'hood drunk in his Escalade with their toddler - removed several thousand dollars from their account, and appears to be anticipating coming into some serious money soon.

    Her reply? Interesting

    Sunday night, she mused: Lesson of today: When in doubt, when you don't know what to do, do this: love more.

    Monday morning, as God as my witness, this is what she posts:

    "Based on our own poor choices, the recent stress in our marriage has taken on a public life of its own, so we are issuing the local equivalent of a press statement.

    First, thank you to all those who have involved themselves in a positive way in our issues, and taken steps to remind us of the importance of continuing to fight for our marriage. We let things get to a point neither of us ever imagined.

    However, we both know 1. We made an amazing kid and have a beautiful family that is worth our best, and 2. Despite our commitments to each other, we have not given our best.

    I'm not sure we know exactly what the plan is, but we will be turning into each other. We ask for your best wishes and support.
    (emphasis mine)

    I'm pretty sure my telling her to get a rental in case he tampered with her car was not considered "positive" in any way.

    As this is her 4th husband (and 3rd unemployed one) in 16 years, it's patently obvious to me that if something happens to her, he will get her life insurance (as the surviving custodial parent to the sole beneficiary (their kid is her only child)) and the current house + all other assets, leaving him and his 3 kids from his 3 previous marriages SET. Therefore, I feel very comfortable with my assessment and advice.

    Does it make me incredibly sad? Yes. But I have walked on eggshells, and tried to be 'supportive' and optimistic and cheerful -- I'm done. I don't have it in me, and I don't believe she has the ability to learn from the SAME mistake she keeps making over and over .... and over .... and over ....

    Sending hugs and prayers, "crossing my heart for you both" and "hoping your day gets better" (WTF?!) is not helpful. It's the equivalent of a double air kiss, to me. Completely insincere, essentially "I can't be bothered . . . kiss, kiss" and moving on to the next kitty video.

    Guess that makes me a bad friend. I'm good with it!

    *former, because DD has already asked my college BFF to be her godmother, since "she actually talks to me and is interested in me." Ouch!
    "Let's face it -- Beezie Madden is NOT looking over her shoulder for me anytime
    soon . . . or ever, even in her worst nightmares."


    Member, Higher Standards Leather Care Addicts Anonymous


    2 members found this post helpful.

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