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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2010
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    2,220

    Default Stalker issue

    What do you do when you are in serious stalker territory?

    Is it okay to file a restraining order? Even if the guy has never threatened you or anything?

    Never met this guy in person, but he's telling me he's in love with me and he will "wait two years until I come around". Talking about getting married and having kids. He's telling me if I block his number he will come talk to me in person. I'd rather deal with the constant texts. I've never been in a situation even close to this and I really don't know what to do. It started off well enough, but within a few weeks he was telling me that we were soul mates. So I backed off and this is what happened.

    I can't have him show up at my school. I could have security escort me to my train but whats stopping him from following me home?

    I'm assuming restraining orders vary state to state? Are there different kinds?

    Any help would be much appreciated. I'm trying not to let this get to me but its getting to be too much and I'm getting nervous.
    come what may

    Rest in peace great mare, 1987-2013



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2005
    Location
    Va
    Posts
    3,100

    Default

    I would recommend contacting the police and asking their advice as to how to proceed. Like YESTERDAY!


    23 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,611

    Default

    Make a police report immediately.
    They will tell you where to go next with this, happens regularly.

    And watch your back, sounds like one of the real crazy ones.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
    Location
    The rocky part of KY
    Posts
    9,298

    Default

    Second the above. This is serious territory, you need pro help.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    11,125

    Default

    If you have e-mails/texts/letters/voicemail messages or whatever that back up what you are saying, then yes. If not, they will likely take a report or just brush you off. It REALLY depends on who you deal with and what you present to them. Talk to a female officer if possible as they may be more sympathetic to your situation.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2007
    Posts
    1,919

    Default

    Call the police and get police records going ASAP.

    Man, what is up with us COTHer's attracting the crazies? lol


    5 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2010
    Posts
    2,993

    Default

    Strongly recommend the book "The Gift Of Fear" that others have recommended in other posts. It delves into other situations besides just stalkers too. Very good book, I can see it helping you dissect just about any kind of social interaction that might have or may make you say "WTF JUST HAPPENED HERE?!" I had one of these happen this past weekend and I do think my "sixth sense" and someone else's were telling both of us there were red flags, and we just didn't heed them well enough. It's all good now but we definitely have different ideas about any further interactions with the person in question in the future!

    When someone is telling you who they are, don't just listen, react! Even if that reaction is just tailoring further interactions better or stopping them altogether.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,395

    Default

    Keep exact records of texts, email, calls, the time they occurred, and print out anything you have in writing. Contact the police the list of occurrences, and find out how to proceed. Tell the staff at school what's going on, and tell them you don't know this person, and they need to call the police if he comes there. Ask the police if you should change your phone numbers, and if they say to, then if you have a landline, change the number, and get an unpublished/unlisted one. Change your cell phone number, if the police say it's OK to do. Many times with a police report filed the cell and landline companies will change your number quickly, and for free. Stay safe, and if this person approaches you call 911, and yell for help. Keep your cell phone in your hand, and put 911 on speed dial, and keep your phone fully charged.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    3 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2009
    Posts
    693

    Default

    You mentioned school... How old are you? How old is he?

    It's time to get the police involved.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2010
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    2,220

    Default

    I have records of everything. All of this has mainly happened through text. I never answer his calls.

    I don't want to overreact to this, he has never threatened me or anything like that, he is just way too attached.

    I don't want to get him in any sort of trouble with the cops because really he has never actually "done" anything, he is just delusional.

    I'm 21, hes a little older, a few years…23-24 I think. School is college. But he could easily get on campus, my school is small, only one main building, so it would be super easy for him to find me. He couldn't actually get into the school, but with one exit/entrance, it would be easy to run into him.

    I will call the police…non-emergency line, and ask what they recommend. He lives far enough away, at least an hour, so I don't think I'm in any immediate danger of him randomly showing up.

    I honestly don't know how I did this, I was very clear that no relationship was ever going to happen, I have been ignoring him, etc. But when he starts going on about showing up so we can talk, I usually respond because I really don't want that to happen. I feel so bad because I'm sure I led him on, gave him mixed signals, something.
    come what may

    Rest in peace great mare, 1987-2013



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,911

    Default

    Contact the police, he hasn't threatened you because he thinks he "loves you". Just wait until you piss him off/he realizes he can't have you. He could easily get dangerous.

    Do -not- feel bad. Some people are a little unbalanced, some people can't take no for an answer, do not take the blame on yourself. Sounds like you're fairly clear nothing's ever going to happen, his fault for imaging something else.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,611

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SAcres View Post
    I have records of everything. All of this has mainly happened through text. I never answer his calls.

    I don't want to overreact to this, he has never threatened me or anything like that, he is just way too attached.

    I don't want to get him in any sort of trouble with the cops because really he has never actually "done" anything, he is just delusional.

    I'm 21, hes a little older, a few years…23-24 I think. School is college. But he could easily get on campus, my school is small, only one main building, so it would be super easy for him to find me. He couldn't actually get into the school, but with one exit/entrance, it would be easy to run into him.

    I will call the police…non-emergency line, and ask what they recommend. He lives far enough away, at least an hour, so I don't think I'm in any immediate danger of him randomly showing up.

    I honestly don't know how I did this, I was very clear that no relationship was ever going to happen, I have been ignoring him, etc. But when he starts going on about showing up so we can talk, I usually respond because I really don't want that to happen. I feel so bad because I'm sure I led him on, gave him mixed signals, something.
    Don't excuse him.
    Once you said NO clearly and are not answering him, he is not only not polite and overbearing and immature, but crossed over to overstepping into stalking and crazy, to keep bothering you.

    Better be proactive and safe than becoming one more possible statistic to some fellow falling off the deep end and you caught in it.
    If all it takes is one warning from the police to see you mean it, fine.
    If he really is crazy, that may not be enough, but you will have a precedent to fight him if he does.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
    Location
    North-Central IL
    Posts
    3,453

    Default

    Good luck with the police. Hopefully, you're not in IL, went through something similar except he actually got violent against me and my vehicle. We can't have restraining orders here unless we're involved some way (dating, married, related, etc.). Not fun.
    Quarry Rat



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2005
    Location
    Mass.
    Posts
    6,626

    Default

    Grow a vagina and STOP RESPONDING. Call your cell provider and block his texts and calls. All you are doing is encouraging him! Go to the police and campus security with printouts of all his past messages and a photo of him if you have one. And do like RubyTuesday says and read The Gift of Fear. It may save your life.
    I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry


    12 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2010
    Posts
    2,993

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SAcres View Post
    I have records of everything. All of this has mainly happened through text. I never answer his calls.

    I don't want to overreact to this, he has never threatened me or anything like that, he is just way too attached.

    I don't want to get him in any sort of trouble with the cops because really he has never actually "done" anything, he is just delusional.

    I'm 21, hes a little older, a few years…23-24 I think. School is college. But he could easily get on campus, my school is small, only one main building, so it would be super easy for him to find me. He couldn't actually get into the school, but with one exit/entrance, it would be easy to run into him.

    I will call the police…non-emergency line, and ask what they recommend. He lives far enough away, at least an hour, so I don't think I'm in any immediate danger of him randomly showing up.

    I honestly don't know how I did this, I was very clear that no relationship was ever going to happen, I have been ignoring him, etc. But when he starts going on about showing up so we can talk, I usually respond because I really don't want that to happen. I feel so bad because I'm sure I led him on, gave him mixed signals, something.
    He has done more than enough...this is covered in The Gift Of Fear.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2010
    Posts
    2,993

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmedHope View Post
    Call the police and get police records going ASAP.

    Man, what is up with us COTHer's attracting the crazies? lol
    What is up with people not wanting to call the police??? THIS IS WHAT WE PAY THEM FOR. Hell, I have the sheriff on my speed dial and I call them at a hint of trouble! Their coffee can wait!
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    8 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Aug. 9, 2007
    Posts
    9,049

    Default

    Restraining orders are crap. Every day in the newspaper, there's an article about a woman who got a restraining order against her ex-husband or ex-boyfriend and was murdered by him. The courts really don't give a damn about restraining orders.

    This is why stalking statutes were enacted. Usually, as in my state, the first stalking conviction is a misdemeanor, unless it involves physical contact like aggravated assault, attempted kipnaping, etc., which are felonies. A second arrest for stalking in my state leads to a felony conviction and serious jail time. A misdemeanor is up to 12 months in county jail here, an aggravated stalking felony is serious time in the prison system.

    So as others have said, call the cops and if they don't come to you, you go to the local police and make a report. You want your beat officers to make extra trips around your home and work place. You want to notify people at work about this dude. If your school board has it's own police, you want someone at your school holding a picture of this dude so if he shows up, he gets arrested for that first stalking charge. Know your police officers. They are there to protect you and serve you. Give them pix of your stalker. And be alert. These guys are seriously obsessed and can snatch you off of the street at any time that you let your guard down. I've tried the felony stalkers, and they don't think they have done anything wrong. AFTER I tried one guy for felony stalking, he was finally tried for a misdemeanor crime over in state court. People really don't care about women who have stalkers, so you have to use the system, the police and the courts, to get this guy away from you. Sometimes just having the cops visit him works. Sometimes not. One woman who worked in commercial real estate in Atlanta and showed offices to people, dangerous to be in vacant buildings, and the daughter of a superior court judge over in Dekalb County, had a stalker. A total stranger who saw her and obsessed. I put him in jail in Atlanta. Usually these guys will obsess over one woman, then if jailed or they lose their jobs, they will obsess over another woman. And many of them are married too. Use the police and the courts to get this guy away from you. And yes, save all texts and voice mails and emails as evidence.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Aug. 9, 2007
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    9,049

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    Quote Originally Posted by RubyTuesday View Post
    What is up with people not wanting to call the police??? THIS IS WHAT WE PAY THEM FOR. Hell, I have the sheriff on my speed dial and I call them at a hint of trouble! Their coffee can wait!
    Exactly! They are paid to serve. And they go out on barking dog calls, on people leaf blowing their leaves into driveways, on dogs defecating in other's yards, etc. The cops are there to work for you. And most of them are great and really will help you. And you can find them at the local Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme stores. In Atlanta, the rule was only 2 uniform cars out front, and others had to park behind each shop. No one every robbed the Dunkin' Donut and Krispy Kreme shops in Atlanta, although a nude guy did come into my local Dunkin Donut shop one morning, but I missed the show.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul. 3, 2013
    Posts
    408

    Default

    First go get your number actually changed. People like this are usually smart enough to text from a friends phone, or go change their number. When you give your number out you need to give it out to people that know the situation and not to hand it out. If others need to contact you, give them an email or create a google voice account so you can recieve texts.

    2). Privatize all your social media. Your twitter needs to be locked, you need to be off of four square like yesterday, and you need to limit your Facebook, so that your friends can't tag you places, and people he is close with cannot see you.

    3). All of the above with reporting it, cops, campus. If he is a fellow student your university should be able to restrict his interactions with you on campus. Aka he must be 50 yds at all time.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2009
    Posts
    693

    Default

    Telling you that if you block his number he will come see you is a threat. Even saying he will come see you if you ignore him is a threat. It means he knows darn well you don't want to see or speak to him and if you don't do what he wants (answer), he will do something you don't want more (show up).

    He's not just "way too attached". A typical guy in love doesn't have to threaten to show up to get a response by text. That is not okay. A good, safe guy would take you seriously when you said you weren't interested and his response to being ignored or potentially blocked wouldn't be "if you do that, I'm coming". That's creepy.

    Who brought up the blocked number? You or him? If it's you and he didn't back way off and instead responded by threats, that tells you he is scary. If he brought it up himself, out of the blue, "if you block me I'll come there"... That means he realizes you're upset enough to block him and doesn't care or that he's DONE THIS BEFORE and knows how you're likely to respond.

    Both of those things are bad and scary. Just because he hasn't threatened actually harm yet doesn't make him a good guy or safe .


    14 members found this post helpful.

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