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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May. 8, 2004
    Posts
    36

    Default Adult child won't go away

    Our oldest daughter is about to turn 21. She is still living at home. Part time job (retail.) Does not pay rent, says she can't afford it. Spends her day watching netflix. She has a pony here, and takes care of afternoon chores for my horse and ponies. (About 2 hours of work, done in a hurry and sloppily.) She is a major cause of drama in the house. She will not go to college (she was accepted right out of high school but never filled out her financial aid forms and just never went.) We pay for her food, her car insurance (she uses our cars,) health insurance, etc., etc. Has a boyfriend and keeps talking about moving in with him, but seriously, I don't think he wants her freeloading off him. How do we get her to move out? We love her, but we just can't take this anymore. We don't want to see her living on the street, obviously, and that's part of the problem. Where would she go? I've suggested she get a job at a summer camp, but she says she'd never see her boyfriend. She won't look for jobs. Clearly she knows she has it good here. But what can we do? Throwing her out on the street is really not an option.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov. 25, 2004
    Location
    Greenville, SC
    Posts
    925

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by hounddog View Post
    Our oldest daughter is about to turn 21. She is still living at home. Part time job (retail.) Does not pay rent, says she can't afford it. Spends her day watching netflix. She has a pony here, and takes care of afternoon chores for my horse and ponies. (About 2 hours of work, done in a hurry and sloppily.) She is a major cause of drama in the house. She will not go to college (she was accepted right out of high school but never filled out her financial aid forms and just never went.) We pay for her food, her car insurance (she uses our cars,) health insurance, etc., etc. Has a boyfriend and keeps talking about moving in with him, but seriously, I don't think he wants her freeloading off him. How do we get her to move out? We love her, but we just can't take this anymore. We don't want to see her living on the street, obviously, and that's part of the problem. Where would she go? I've suggested she get a job at a summer camp, but she says she'd never see her boyfriend. She won't look for jobs. Clearly she knows she has it good here. But what can we do? Throwing her out on the street is really not an option.
    All I can say is that she is loafing off you because you are allowing it. Stop enabling her. Either she pays rent and follows some rules, or she's out.

    End of, no P.S.
    Lucy (Precious Star) - 1994 TB mare; happily reunited with her colt Touch the Stars


    55 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep. 4, 2007
    Location
    Crossville, TN
    Posts
    1,149

    Default

    Give her a deadline that she has to be out of the house, and stick to it. Give her brochures on the military, talk to her about jobs waiting tables. If all else fails pitch her a tent in the backyard, change the netflix password. Make her life in your home as unpleasant as possible. Continue to pay for her health insurance and tell her the only reason you are doing that is because "If something really bad happened to you we'd pay for it so it is cheaper to keep you on our insurance"

    Unfortunately, I've seen this a lot and unless the parents get extremely tough there is just no reason for her to go. She'll be really upset, not like you for awhile, and then in a few years hopefully realize it was the best thing you ever did for her.


    29 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2014
    Posts
    959

    Default

    I agree with sitting down with her and setting firm deadlines.

    Wifi is your best tool here. Set a new wifi password, and don't give it to her if she misses a deadline.

    Start a healthy eating plan... and don't buy any food that she likes.

    Have loud sex in the living room. (okay, that one might be a little scarring. But no one wants to walk in on their parents "doing it" regardless of the age).

    Take away the car except for commuting to work. And be firm about that!


    30 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 29, 2012
    Posts
    42

    Default

    FWIW, I am the same age as your daughter (21 next month, woohoo!), however I would say we are pretty much opposites. I went to college right out of high school and moved away from home. My parents still help me out quite a bit with living expenses (they pay rent and I have a CC for gas/emergencies) but, I work full-time in addition to being a full-time student and pay for all of my horse's bills on my own as well as any "extras" I may want. Although I don't "have" to work and know my parents will help me out if I were to lose my job. I really don't want them to have to help me any more than they already do. I know you don't want your daughter to be kicked out on the street but I think cutting her off might be the only way to motivate her at this point. I would tell her that by March 1st she needs to start paying you $200 to $250 a month for rent and if she cannot afford that then she will have to find a new place to live. There is NO WAY she'll be able to find another living situation for less than that. Or perhaps give her an ultimatum and tell her that she needs to either start paying X amount for rent or go back to school. How old/successful is her boyfriend? I only ask because my SO is a few years older and work VERY hard which has really motivated me to work harder and become more independent. Not saying she should break up with her boyfriend but if he has a similar mindset maybe they are just feeding off of each other? Sorry that this is a little long, but I thought some input from the other side of the spectrum might be helpful!


    16 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 17, 2010
    Location
    NoVA
    Posts
    79

    Default

    When my parents thought that I wasn't progressing fast enough in life, they made me sleep in a tent in the backyard. I had a full time job in three days, moved out a few months later.


    43 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2003
    Location
    Windward Farm, Washougal, WA- our work in progress, our money pit, our home!
    Posts
    6,987

    Default

    Make her want to leave: No more free ride. No Netflix--change all passwords. Charge her rent. Tell her she'll need to buy her own car and pay expenses/insurance. Tough love, baby. Have a family meeting and tell her to grow up. We have a son who lives with his mother and is a total loser (yes, we love him, but....he does NOTHING. Lives in his mom's garage, pays for nothing. Dad (my DH) pays his health insurance until he turns 26, but that's it. Trust me, we are beyond frustrated.).

    You are enabling her to continue in this manner. Pull up your big girl undies and get tough.
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!


    12 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May. 17, 2010
    Location
    Where humidity isn't just a word, it's a way of life.
    Posts
    770

    Default

    The question is, why are you making it easy on her?

    Car use only if she pays for all gas and a certain amount toward insurance, and ONLY for work.
    She needs to pay something toward rent; figure out about 1/4 her wages. You can save it to help her with security deposit, etc., for her first apartment (that is what we do with our daughter- she pays rent but we save it for later use).
    Netflix cut off, or change passwords.
    Responsibility of doing chores properly or she loses something, such as use of the car.
    If she refuses, cut it down to the bone; no food except the bare minimum for survival (and nothing she likes!), remove the light bulbs in her room, no laundry use, no vehicle use, etc.

    That isn't being mean, that is preparing her for the rest of her life, where she will have to pay for car expenses, pay for rent, etc.


    19 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
    Posts
    5,479

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MoonoverMississippi View Post
    The question is, why are you making it easy on her?
    This. She's free-loading because she can. Where will she go? She might be able to rent a room; she might even negotiate to pay you some rent for hers, if she has some kind of incentive to actually work.

    Responsibilities come first. Quit paying for her insurance - she wants use of a car, she pays for it. If anything remains of her part-time wages after the car insurance, she pays it in rent - if she has no $$$ left for her wants, she has the option to get more work.

    You don't have to throw her out immediately. That's a false dichotomy that paralyzes you into doing nothing at all; you see it as "letting her continue to freeload" vs "throwing her onto the street", which frankly is total BS and sloppy, laughable thinking.
    She pays for her keep with anything she's got. Since her job is just PT, I assume she doesn't make much at all - you take ALL her wages, then, to cover the expenses of keeping her. Now, she might fight, and presumably you won't get into some kind of tussle with her, but you sure as heck can cut off her car insurance (and if she takes the car without it, call the cops to protect yourself from the liability - once will teach her). Agree with the password on the Netflix, too. Unless you padlock the fridge you won't keep her from eating the food, but certainly don't buy things that she likes and the rest of you don't care for.

    Make her feel like the freeloader she is.
    Proud Member Of The Lady Mafia


    13 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar. 5, 2013
    Posts
    634

    Default

    If throwing her out in the street isn't an option then what can you really do? Charge her rent she won't pay? Demand she get a better, full time job? You can make her miserable by not paying for Netflix, restricting the car, stocking the fridge with Brussels Sprouts. But what if that's a price she's willing to pay to live rent free?


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2000
    Location
    MA
    Posts
    12,730

    Default

    Wait till she's out of the house and change the locks.
    Seriously, grow a spine.
    Quit letting her use the cars, insist she kick in for the food budget, and give her a list of stuff to do in lieu of rent.
    If she doesn't like it, give her 30 days to find a new place to live.
    Why should she exert herself if she can sponge off you?
    "It's like a Russian nesting doll of train wrecks."--CaitlinandTheBay

    ...just settin' on the Group W bench.


    29 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr. 25, 2007
    Posts
    1,326

    Default

    I say this with great empathy, not intending snark, but really it sounds like you are the problem ; not her. See advice as outlined above.


    19 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2010
    Posts
    2,996

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Dance_To_Oblivion View Post
    Give her a deadline that she has to be out of the house, and stick to it. Give her brochures on the military, talk to her about jobs waiting tables. If all else fails pitch her a tent in the backyard, change the netflix password. Make her life in your home as unpleasant as possible. Continue to pay for her health insurance and tell her the only reason you are doing that is because "If something really bad happened to you we'd pay for it so it is cheaper to keep you on our insurance"

    Unfortunately, I've seen this a lot and unless the parents get extremely tough there is just no reason for her to go. She'll be really upset, not like you for awhile, and then in a few years hopefully realize it was the best thing you ever did for her.
    Yep. Next thing you know there'll be a baby for you to take care of too.

    I know too many people who have had their adult children living with them into their 30s-40s because "we don't want to throw them out". Time to put on the boxing gloves for some tough love. Your car insurance will likely go down as well when someone under 25 isn't driving your car or living in your house and possibly trying to sneak out with it, as well.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    5 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct. 20, 2001
    Location
    San Jose, CA
    Posts
    1,124

    Default

    If she has a job, she is bringing in money. Look for some online budgets and make her live by them. 30% of her pay towards rent. Another 20% to health and auto insurance. 10% towards car use. 10% into savings. Then she has 30% left for gas, personal supplies, and fun.

    If she says no, you give her 30 days and then change the locks, unless you want her living there for the next decade.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
    Posts
    1,842

    Default

    She's mooching because you allow it.

    Why should she be motivated to do anything when you provide everything she needs? People become innured to nagging.

    She's an adult. If you REALLY want her OUT OF THE HOUSE you can make it happen, as in call the police, have her removed and get the locks changed.

    There are of course less drastic steps, but you have to be willing to actually apply some whip and spurs to a balky horse.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings


    6 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2000
    Location
    midwest
    Posts
    10,450

    Default

    Are full time jobs not available in your area? Part time jobs are for teenagers, after school. Why does she still have a horse?

    Have be you set limits in the past or will this be the first time?


    4 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Feb. 11, 2005
    Location
    Wild Wild West
    Posts
    1,734

    Default

    This is your oldest daughter? What are your younger children learning from watching her? Is she lazy, depressed, or just plain afraid of the world? You let her get away with not filling out forms so she could go to college? It sounds like there's been a problem here for a while.

    Have you you sat down and had a talk about life with her? Make a plan? Explain she's got to become self-sufficient? I have a friend with a son who sounds like your daughter. He's in his early 30's and still lives at home. Doesn't have a driver's license, takes the bus to his job and missed out on a better job because the bus doesn't run during the hours needed to get to the other job. He's fathered a child who he rarely sees. He has no incentive to move out.

    Youve got got to sit down with this kid and figure out what's going on and tell her it's time to grow up.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2011
    Location
    So California
    Posts
    3,067

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by hounddog View Post
    Our oldest daughter is about to turn 21. She is still living at home. Part time job (retail.) Does not pay rent, says she can't afford it. Spends her day watching netflix. She has a pony here, and takes care of afternoon chores for my horse and ponies. (About 2 hours of work, done in a hurry and sloppily.) She is a major cause of drama in the house. She will not go to college (she was accepted right out of high school but never filled out her financial aid forms and just never went.) We pay for her food, her car insurance (she uses our cars,) health insurance, etc., etc. Has a boyfriend and keeps talking about moving in with him, but seriously, I don't think he wants her freeloading off him. How do we get her to move out? We love her, but we just can't take this anymore. We don't want to see her living on the street, obviously, and that's part of the problem. Where would she go? I've suggested she get a job at a summer camp, but she says she'd never see her boyfriend. She won't look for jobs. Clearly she knows she has it good here. But what can we do? Throwing her out on the street is really not an option.
    I think you need to stand back and look at the bigger picture.

    What is your duty as a parent? You must define that for yourself. My definition is that the parents' duty is to insure that their child grows up to be college educated, healthy, able to get and hold a job, reasonably ambitious, a good citizen, and a person of good morals. A parent should expect the child to treat his friends and family well. The parents' duty is to discuss sex, birth control, so the child grows up to be responsible and can expect to have a good sex life. The parents should educate the child about drugs, alcohol and various addictions so the child can avoid those problems. Then there comes the financial education and the ability to handle money and balance that with generosity. Of course there are certain social skills which should be achieved by adulthood. I personally think that it is important to teach children to take responsibility for their own happiness rather than to expect it as a given.

    Rather than looking at what your daughter is doing wrong, think about your job, which is to raise her to be a successful adult; then take the steps you need to take to arrive at that point. If she is not educated, not ambitious, has no concept of the value of money, has a sense of entitlement and does not treat you well then your job is not done. Always tell her what you expect of her. Talk to her about "when" she gets her college degree, her own home, her dream job, never "whether."

    Think about positives too, and give yourself credit for what you have achieved, because it sounds to me like you have done a good job with some of those really important skills, or at least you haven't mentioned any problems with addictions, early pregnancy, morals, health, etc., which is huge. There are so many people dealing with those heartbreaking problems.

    You have received a lot of good tips from others about specific steps to take. I wish you well!


    6 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Nov. 10, 2008
    Location
    Gillett PA
    Posts
    247

    Default

    Wow. talk about enabling your kid. Mom..you need to put your foot down. The buck stops here.

    My eldest daughter recently graduated as an RN. She screwed off for a bit but got on the right track...turning 25 end of the month.

    Eldest son(20)...goes to a private college on a scholarship that pays for 3/4 of it. Lives at home, drives our vehicles...no biggie but he knows his free ride is over when he graduates. He accepts this.

    Youngest son(19)...goes to same private college...also has scholarship but his doesn't cover as much as older son...again lives at home, drives our vehicle (sometimes the boys car pool) this kid will go further than his older brother. He left for Army basic training at the age of 17 (graduated HS early to go) and is currently bucking for a full ride ROTC scholarship. He is away this weekend for Natl Guard drill.

    Youngest daughter(18)...she is trying to find her way. Going to college part time (better than not at all) and working full time. She lives with her sister in VA. Covers the majority of her own bills. She would have the same responsibility if she lived at home.

    ALL my kids have known from day ONE they will not be allowed to be leaches on their parents. I am done raising kids and taking care of them. Call me selfish...it's our time and my kids know it. Sure we will help them if they get in a jam but they will become productive members of society.

    Kick that daughter of yours square in the arse and tell her playtime is over...be productive or GTFO.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2007
    Posts
    1,169

    Default

    Step daughter?



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