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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 2010
    Location
    Texarkana, AR
    Posts
    1,579

    Unhappy My 16 yo daughter is putting me through hell (long)

    I adopted my daughter when she was 5. She is now 16. She has always been a bright, talented, compassionate and level headed child but in the past few months things have gone horribly wrong.

    Since about November-December her attitude has gotten increasingly worse, sullen, hateful, rude and down right mean. She refuses to do her chores without being told 2-3 times and then only half ass does them. I'd take her phone away or ground her which would work for a short time but then she'd be back to the same nasty attitude.

    Around the 2nd week in December I let her invite 2 friends over to spend the night, Girl 1, who is DD's BFF and has spent a lot of time at our house, and Girl 2, whom I had'nt met before. I checked on them about 3:30 am and they all appeared to be asleep. Girl 1's mother was going to pick her up early for a dental appointment so I went in about 7:30 am to wake her up. DD and Girl 2 were missing. I looked for them in the house and went out side and called but didn't find them. I questioned Girl 1 and found out that they had been talking/texting some guys about meeting them. So I called LE and reported them as runaways and began to search for them myself. While I was out looking, DD and Girl 2 returned to the house. DD was higher than a kite on OTC cold meds that she had overdosed on. So I took her to the ER where she was admitted and spent the night in ICU so they could monitor her vital signs. She also tested positive for THC and opiates. She was approved to be admitted into acute inpatient due to the overdose but she begged me not to do it as finals were coming up and she didn't want to miss them. Her grades and behavior in school have been reasonably good so far. I took her phone away and she is restricted from going anywhere other than school unless she is with me. I also scheduled an appointment for counseling. We made it through the Christmas break ok.

    Her attitude continued to be horrible. She is constantly telling me that when she is 18, she can do what she wants and is leaving. I tell her fine, when you are 18 you can do that but when you are 18 I am no longer legally responsible for you so you will be on your on. About 3 weeks ago, she was being particularly nasty. It was bitterly cold and windy and dark. Bruno was trying to colic and while I was trying to give him some banamine, he kicked the crap out of me. So I was not in a very good move myself and she was pushing every button I had, just trying to pick a fight. I finally had it and said some things I probably shouldn't. I went to bed early and shortly after I went to bed, she snuck out of the house and left. She walked 10 miles to a strange house where she asked for a ride "home". Only "home" was where this POS guy that she is obsessed with is currently staying. POS is 19, a high school dropout, unemployed, homeless, and a drug user. I reported to LE as a runaway. A friend from juvenile probation helped me track her down to a drug house in one of the worst neighborhoods in town. After I pounded on the door and screamed at her to get her effing ass out of there and that I'd stay there all night if need be, and had LE standing outside the door, her druggy friends put her out in the street because they didn't want the attention from LE. She was then admitted into the acute care psych hospital as she was histerical, totally unremorseful and I was scared she'd run again or do something to hurt herself. She was there a week and was denied admission to long term treatment. I also filed a FINS action against her in juvenile court to get court supervision over her.

    I have since found out that she has been using drugs and smoking cigarettes off and on for probably 8 months to a year. She has also had unprotected sex with at least 5 different guys. She made contact with a drug dealer on Twitter and brought him out to where we live to give her drugs. Although she denies it, I suspect she was trading sex for drugs. She has been using OTC meds in high doses, meth, cocaine, marijuana and opiates. I can't prove it but I really believe that some of her drug "friends" are responsible for me 3 dogs disappearing. She ishows no shame, remorse, embarrassment for what she has done. She says the drugs made her happy. We have had 2 therapy sessions and she has been diagnosed as depressed and given antideppressants.

    I was not a permissive parent. I tried my best to keep track of her friends. If she went for a sleep over, I talked to the parents to make sure they would be supervised. I didn't let her hang out at the mall or at guys houses. I tried to monitor her social media but it changes every day and kids are smart about deleting and hiding things.

    I am hurt and feel totally betrayed. I gave this girl a good home and she did not want for anything. I tried to set a good example and provide boundaries and consequences for bad behavior. God help me, I can't stand to look a her anymore. She is still being a nasty little bitch and blaming me for all her problems. I am getting counseling for myself as I am so depressed over this and the loss of my dogs that I can barely function. Thanks for letting me vent.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2001
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    6,850

    Default

    Well, I'm not a parent, so take it for what it's worth, but if I had pulled this when I was 16, I would've been shipped off to the nearest boarding/military school on the next plane out. It sounds to me like she needs to get far, far away from her "friends."


    19 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2012
    Posts
    1,329

    Default

    I think you need professional help. Can you find/afford a good inpatient program? I don't have personal experience with this but I think there are boarding school treatment centers that may provide the structure and absolute supervision she needs.

    You did not fail as a parent. She just needs help.


    18 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    31,336

    Default

    when you started off with 'sudden behavior changes' I thought drugs.

    I would look into ways to have her committed. She has serious problems you can't fix on your own.
    I don't think it's anything you did.
    I have been told one of my cousins who is adopted put her mother through hell during puberty. But no drugs, etc, just really nasty fits. She grew out of it, eventually....

    However, the sex and drug thing, you need a pro.
    And of course, if she does not want to...not sure how much you can do, short of dragging her to Dr Phil.

    My heart goes out to you. This is a frustrating place to be.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,526

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by french fry View Post
    I think you need professional help. Can you find/afford a good inpatient program? I don't have personal experience with this but I think there are boarding school treatment centers that may provide the structure and absolute supervision she needs.

    You did not fail as a parent. She just needs help.
    Right.
    When I started reading, I was right away thinking another kid that got into drugs.
    That alters their personality.

    That she is adopted or not doesn't matter, especially to her now.
    That she was good before does matter to you.
    Can you get her back on track?
    That is what professionals, that see this regularly, will have to answer for you.

    No, you are not a bad person or parent.
    That is some that happens, just happened to your family, sadly.

    First, try to distance yourself of her as the problem she is presenting, so you can be sensible addressing it, are not torn by all else you know about her, that is not relevant to the current situation.

    I am sorry to say that each family and kid is different.
    Some can be helped, some not so much, but trying to help is all you can do.
    Glad that you are getting help yourself to cope with this.
    You seem to have done everything right already, with what has happened.
    Hope everything will work out in the end.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,144

    Default

    Wow. TOUGH situation. I would keep her phone, she would not get it back. That's her portal to alot of things. Same with the internet, it would not be available to her. She needs a specialized sort of counseling from someone who specializes in teenagers I think. And she needs to go at the least, every other day. She needs to be drug tested and held responsible at the counseling too.
    Do you work? Are you able to drive her to school and pick her up? To the counseling sessions and back? Is there something nearby where she could get a part time job? She needs something to give her a sense of self worth...earning her own money and being responsible to someone other than you would help.
    It's gonna hurt in alot of ways but she isn't going to get on the right track without 24x7 supervision right now. Even though you are the person who raised her, BECAUSE you are the person who raised her, she's going to strike at you more than she would an impartial outsider (counselor). My 14 year old daughter has been a great kid to raise and 99% of the time she's wonderful with me, but that 1% she does/says something obnoxious to me is awful, I can't imagine dealing with someone who's like that most of the time.
    Kerri


    7 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar. 8, 2004
    Location
    Baltimore, MD
    Posts
    19,713

    Default

    You can't expect someone in the throes of addiction to be thankful for the opportunities they have been given. They can't think of anything except where their next high will come from. Luckily she is still a minor so you can get her into intensive, in patient rehab whether she wants it or not. This is not something yo can even begin to handle on your own so get as much help as possible. Best of luck to you both.


    18 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr. 19, 2004
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,505

    Default

    Yes to military or boarding school or something like that. She needs to get as far away from those "friends" as possible and until that happens nothing will change. As a former kid much like this, I cannot stress that enough. Remove the friends, that is your only hope--and HER only hope.

    Good luck, truly. Stories like yours are one of the biggest reasons why I do not have and will never have any children. You can do your very best to be a good parent and they can still end up destroying your life.


    17 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2012
    Posts
    1,329

    Default

    I know it may not seem that there is anything to be thankful for in this terrible situation, but it is a good thing that you are catching this so early. She is still a minor and you are able to act in her best interest. If she was already 18 your options would be very limited.

    You have an opportunity to get help to get her back on track while she is a minor and I am so hopeful that in future years you will both be grateful that you were able to do it.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 6, 2002
    Location
    NJ, USA
    Posts
    2,244

    Default

    Is it cruel of me to think, this is one instance where the Muslim extremists have it right - lock the b*tch in a small room with no windows or any contact to outside, let her poop in a bucket, slide her food under the door 2x day?

    Well as satisfying as that might be, I suppose it doesn't really fix the problem (unless they dread you doing it again).

    I'd send her away if you can. Is there anyone else in the family that could sit her down & give her a stern talking too? Or a group family intervention type meeting?


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep. 4, 2012
    Location
    Southeast US
    Posts
    1,144

    Default

    Don't blame it on her being adopted. Plenty of children put their parents through this kind of crap. I experienced a much smaller less serious version of it with one of mine when he was a teen.

    I will give you the advice I would give myself if I could go back in time to those days. Don't give up. Don't quit trying to keep your daughter under control. Keep trying to get her help and drag her there if you have to - therapy, rehab, whatever is available. Will it work? No, not immediately. Not 100%. Maybe not at all. But maybe, if you keep trying, you will be able to help her keep it together enough not to ruin her life and she will eventually get past this.

    (in case you're wondering, my son is now in his 20's, married, good job, and almost finished with college.)


    14 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    17,459

    Default

    OP, my heart breaks for you. I have no additional advice to give; I wish I did.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    6 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2008
    Posts
    1,670

    Default

    I am hurt and feel totally betrayed. I gave this girl a good home and she did not want for anything.
    Your daughter. You gave your DAUGHTER a good home. When you say "this girl" it seems to bring in the matter of her being adopted and I'm sure that's not what you meant to do.

    NJR
    Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does.


    37 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2007
    Posts
    1,142

    Default

    I'd give her once chance at re-hab/therapy. But if this little b had something to do with harming animals, that would be the last chance.
    If therapy doesn't work, I'd kick her out on her little a$$ and let her sink as far as she wants. No sense ruining more than one life.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr. 2, 2003
    Posts
    4,704

    Default

    I asked my parents about this one, as I have no children of my own.

    My father said I would have been on the next plane to a boarding school in Idaho, with one of them with me to make sure I got dropped at the gates and wasn't going to leave again until summer break.

    She needs to be separated from the friends. Non negotiable. My parents are separated so I asked my mother and she said we would have moved to an apartment in a far off town where neither of us knew anybody the next weekend.

    Whatever it takes to separate this person from the school and people that she currently knows, are what you're going to have to do.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2006
    Location
    rapidan,virginia
    Posts
    1,517

    Default

    Is there a father in this situation? If so, how does he see the scenario and react to it?

    I have to admit, I was a little put off by you pointing out that she is adopted and then implying that because you gave her a good home, she somehow shouldn't be doing this. She's your daughter. She doesn't owe it to you to be an obedient easy teenager just because you didn't give birth to her.
    "Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?" Sun Tzu, The Art of War
    Rainy: http://tinyurl.com/kj7x53c
    Stash: http://tinyurl.com/mmm3p4e


    32 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,707

    Default

    Almost all teenagers, biological/adopted/fostered, make bad decisions - it is just a matter of what level of bad.

    Get both of you into counseling and her into rehab. We all know she needs professional help and you need the same help of how to relate to her as she goes through her changes. To make it horse related - a trainer will tune your horse, but unless you receive additional training the problem will return.

    Most of all her actions are not an attack on you - no matter what she has said. She has chosen this path based on her own thoughts and possibly those of her "current so-called friends". Part of therapy is to help her work through what ever is going on in her head - silly or illogical as it seems to you - it is real to her. Both of you have been and will be dealing with a lot of emotional pain as you work through this. It will take time, be patient.

    Plenty of cyber hugs and prayers. Good Luck!
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


    4 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Nov. 15, 2005
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    6,225

    Default

    It sounds like she is an addict... she exhibiting addictive type behaviors.
    Whether they stem from depression or other issues isn't terribly relevant, other than those issues need dealing with as well... BUT...
    I would say, based on what you wrote, time for tough love and rehab of some kind.
    Yo/Yousolong April 23rd, 1985- April 15th, 2014

    http://notesfromadogwalker.com/2012/...m-a-sanctuary/


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 26, 2007
    Location
    San Jose, Ca
    Posts
    5,060

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sswor View Post
    Yes to military or boarding school or something like that. She needs to get as far away from those "friends" as possible and until that happens nothing will change. As a former kid much like this, I cannot stress that enough. Remove the friends, that is your only hope--and HER only hope.

    Good luck, truly. Stories like yours are one of the biggest reasons why I do not have and will never have any children. You can do your very best to be a good parent and they can still end up destroying your life.
    I agree with this. My best friend in college went off the deep end with the drug scene. Her parents were trying everything, but she kept going back to the same scum bag guy, hanging out with the same addicts, spent time in the scariest part of town in down right flop houses (we grew apart during this time - I couldn't drag her away from it, and I wasn't going to be a part of it).

    Shipping her off to a different city made the difference in her case. She went to live with relatives a few hundred miles away, plus started intense therapy. No longer had that circle of druggies to hang out with - and it worked. She kicked a meth habit, which, can be very very hard to do.

    Now she is a very well balanced, incredibly successful young professional. I shutter to think of where her life could have ended up.

    She needs to get out of this circle of people. New school, perhaps new location. NO phone or internet. Has to be supervised 24/7.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2007
    Posts
    1,142

    Default

    If she was adopted at 5, could it be she had issues before? Was she born to an addicted mother? Was she born in another country? I had a friend who adopted an older child and the kid was crazy. She had to give him back, she just couldn't handle it by herself. He'd climb up on the roof (kid was about 9 years old) and threatened to jump. He trashed her house and hurt her animals.


    8 members found this post helpful.

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