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  1. #21
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    Jan. 4, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fred View Post
    Good post NeedsAdvil.
    I see that Secrets has already addressed the subject of speaking to her father. Sometimes it just won't help, for whatever reason(s).
    I agree with your last paragraph as well. The loss of a parent, even someone as abusive as this one is still a major life change, and a loss.
    This is something we are going through with my husband right now.

    OP you are not a bad person, as others have said, you are a survivor.
    Your parents were poisonous and toxic, and you have survived.
    Your blender analogy was a good one. As a child, you keep going back, hoping for a different response - but at some point - you/we learn that what we hope to get is not what we do get.

    Good luck to you, take care of yourself, protect yourself.
    When our super nice, soft father died, we were very sad and still are.
    He was as abused as the rest of us, our mean mother was a force of nature and lorded it over those she wanted to dominate with an iron fist.

    When our mother died, sadly, mostly we felt like a weight had lifted, we were finally not going to have to figuratively watch our backs any more.
    You really can't ever get far enough away from people that have abused you, as long as you know they are around and will be asking at any time more of you.
    I am not sure, after the OP's story, that she will feel otherwise once her abuser father is gone.

    Now, that doesn't mean before he goes something may change the course she is deciding on.
    Her experiences will be her own, not necessarily those of others.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
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    I'm speechless. It's just so upsetting to think that somebody could do this to somebody else, especially a child. I've known abuse, but it was really only mental and doesn't even compare. I cannot imagine the suffering.

    I figure you've probably grieved enough for the parents you never got to have.

    There is no judgment here. I wish I could give you a hug and let you see how serious I am when I tell you it's not your fault.

    You have to do what's right for you. You owe him nothing. If that's not caring now, that's fine. If you have something you want to tell him, that's fine, too. If you need to see him for you, again that's fine. Whatever you need. This is going to be your last opportunity to do that to his face.

    Take care of yourself.
    Born under a rock and owned by beasts!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Secrets - Your "Daddy" (what tiny bit there ever was) died a long time ago. It sounds like you have mourned him already. Your father/abuser is dying now. Since there appears to be zero remorse from him, there is absolutely nothing there for you to reconcile - so you are right, there is nothing good that will come from any contact at this point.

    I am particularly impressed that you have no desire to "take you final shots" or get anything off your chest. You must have healed quite a bit to have accepted your father as simply a broken human being, completely incapable of any change or enlightened self reflection.

    I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by leaving it all alone. In your position I may be tempted to go to the funeral and peek in the casket - just to make sure he was in there. And then excuse myself immediately to the company of my closest friends and some wine.

    How is your big brother? Your other siblings? I hope beyond hope for you that these relationships are strong and healthy. No one else will ever understand like the ones who lived through it too.

    Congratulations on fighting for your sanity and a good life - and WINNING! Nothing changes that now. You've already let go of the fantasy of a happy family/childhood. Don't let anyone try to convince you to take a last shot at making it "better". You know better.

    With highest respect,

    SCFarm
    The above post is an opinion, just an opinion. If it were a real live fact it would include supporting links to websites full of people who already agreed with me.

    www.southern-cross-farm.com


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by NeedsAdvil View Post
    I do worry that once your father is gone, there may be regrets about not communicating with him more. Not in an "I love you" kind of way, but an honest talk about all the ways he has hurt and traumatized you. Maybe you have already addressed this with him, in which case, you might have the closure you need to accept his death and move on. Then again, it may not be in your best interest to try to express your feelings to him, since it doesn't sound like he has the insight or willingness to see his failings.
    My father was not nearly as horrible as secret's father, but he was verbally and emotionally abusive, and every now and then physically, too. He died more than 20 years ago and I haven't missed him for a minute. Like NeedsAdvil wrote, I don't know why anyone should feel bad about an abuser dying, neither do I think you need to go through any kind of emotional trauma by talking to him. Once I understood that his awful behavior towards his children was not our fault, I didn't care why he did the things he did.
    Founding member of the "I Miss bar.ka" clique
    Founding member of the "I Miss Pocket Trainer" clique


    7 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    May. 21, 2004
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    We're brought up to 'honor thy father and mother', but without the rest of the truth that only those that deserve our love and respect deserve that honor.

    Just because you share DNA with someone does not mean you MUST love them if there is no ability to respect them as a human.

    There's never a guarantee how a parent will end up feeling about their children. It's sad when it happens this way...

    Then there's the argument that barely holds in this case of "but they sacrificed so much time and money for you to grow up"...well, yeah, but if they sucked at it and as people then the respect can't be bought with time and money.

    You don't need to be sad about his dying, or mad or happy or anything...you feel as you feel. There is no rule.

    I hope writing all this out was cathartic for you. It sure seemed like a relief valve letting go....Take a deep breath, thank the man for starting your life long long ago, and move on.

    Ya done good!
    "As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use."- William James
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Proud member of the Wheat Loss Clique.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
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    I would change my landline number, and if they call on cell, then block that. My cell provider (Verizon) has a paid blocking service, but there is also a free blocking for a limited amount of number, for 3 months at a time. I would also block them on email, and any other way possible. You owe these people nothing, and they obviously don't care about you as a person. You do not owe someone for giving birth to you. Make your own life, and don't bother with these selfish, abusive, horrible excuses for parents, and I use the term 'parents' very loosely, because apparently a stray cat would have been a superior parent to either one of them.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    3 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    Jul. 1, 2009
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    Secrets -- I'm going to pile on with everyone else and say you've done a great job in horrid circumstances and are, again, choosing the wiser option. I can, however, give a warning, based on recent experience.

    My DH was on the receiving end of physical, emotional and verbal abuse from his own father since early childhood. He thought it was normal to go to grade school with blackened eyes and broken ribs.

    My SIL, a couple years younger than DH, is in complete denial about what happened. She was "Daddy's little girl" and even manipulated Dad to the point where he would administer more beatings to DH on her whim, though Dad always took DH out of sight, "behind the woodshed", when the violence occurred.

    When DH became large enough to fend off his father's physical abuse, the beatings stopped (Dad was, after all, a coward). But he continued with the verbal and emotional abuse through the remainder of his life.

    Fast forward to 2013, when Dad is dying. DH has not spoken with his father since his mother died, years ago. SIL keeps calling to tell DH that he needs to make peace with his father. DH never calls and his father dies.

    DH has no guilt, no issues, no remorse. He never loved his father and feels no loss, except for the loss of a "normal" childhood. But SIL won't stop pouring on the guilt. "Dad laid in bed with the telephone next to him for weeks, waiting for you to call", etc.

    It sounds like you have come to terms with the misery of your home life as a child and there seems absolutely no need to acquiesce to other's wishes that you attend to your father's needs, now that he is passing.

    Just be prepared that others in the family may not be willing to let this go, and fortify yourself accordingly.
    Nothing with horses is ever easy or cheap. And if it is, you're doing it wrong. They always rip out part of your soul when they leave. I guess that's how they find us later.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
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    Mar. 10, 2007
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    OP, I don't know whose words you are repeating when you say "I guess that makes me a bad person" but stop saying them; they're wrong. And I think you know it cognitively, but it still seeps in. Stop saying that, to yourself or anyone else. Nothing about your history makes you a bad person.
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


    3 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    Jan. 2, 2009
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    California
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    Quote Originally Posted by secrets View Post

    I kept sticking my hand in a blender and hoping THIS TIME it wouldn't hurt. I would go back for love and acceptance and stick my damn hand right back in the blender and it hurt. You will never be able to stick your hand in that blender. It's a blender. It's too stupid to know those things. It doesn't necessarily know that it hurts you. You can waste your whole life away waiting for the blender to "smarten up" and stop hurting you or you can stop sticking your hand in it.
    Amen to that. My mother is a blender
    When she dies, I'll only miss what I wish the relationship could have been.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Apr. 14, 2007
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    You should throw yourself a damn PARTY! I am so sorry you had to live with this. I had a crappy family, too. But i think yours was much worse.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    Jun. 20, 2012
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    You are exactly right. If you are ready to let go,
    then just,........let. go.
    and breathe.

    KNOW you are strong, and have a wonderful life.



    Quote Originally Posted by secrets View Post
    Thank you so much everyone.

    I can't tell you how much this means to me. I am not an unfeeling monster.


    As for you.... Been there...




    There are some interesting studies on a mother's love done by Harry Harlow.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Harlow


    For me it was the same sort of thing that his studies resulted in.

    I kept sticking my hand in a blender and hoping THIS TIME it wouldn't hurt. I would go back for love and acceptance and stick my damn hand right back in the blender and it hurt. You will never be able to stick your hand in that blender. It's a blender. It's too stupid to know those things. It doesn't necessarily know that it hurts you. You can waste your whole life away waiting for the blender to "smarten up" and stop hurting you or you can stop sticking your hand in it.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttonwillow View Post
    Amen to that. My mother is a blender
    When she dies, I'll only miss what I wish the relationship could have been.
    This is exactly what I was trying to say. I can't put the smiley face, though. I can't get over the missing what the relationship should, could, would have been.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Jul. 11, 2004
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    When my father died I found my self not caring. The opposite of love is apathy. I visited him it the hospital with a cardiologist friend to read his chart...got the news and he was gone 2 days later. By that point just didn't really care.

    When I heard lovely mother died, actually gave a "woohoo, the dirty R@#$%#@ is dead and I hope she suffered!" I was actually happy to hear that news (yes, she was a horrid person and evil).

    There is no closure with an evil parent...just ignore them and let them die without even thinking you care. If they deserve it, show you don't care and stay away.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    6 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
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    But, Trakhener, how do you not wish for what could have been or should have been? That's my big issue. I'm working really hard in the apathy part, but I just can't get there. I'm doing some counseling, trying everything I can think of, but, as my step-brother said, I wish I could just go back and erase part of my brain so I don't care and am not sad and heartbroken.

    Of course they don't deserve our time and energy, but being able to not feel so sad about not having that is so hard.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beentheredonethat View Post
    But, Trakhener, how do you not wish for what could have been or should have been? That's my big issue. I'm working really hard in the apathy part, but I just can't get there. I'm doing some counseling, trying everything I can think of, but, as my step-brother said, I wish I could just go back and erase part of my brain so I don't care and am not sad and heartbroken.

    Of course they don't deserve our time and energy, but being able to not feel so sad about not having that is so hard.
    ANGER gets you thru a lot of it, and if you go long enough, you just stop wanting these people to care about you and you just want to cut all ties. I don't know anything about my family right now. if my father died, i'd be thrilled. But i also don't really care either way. after trying for years as a child to get them to love me, i finally just wanted to be free of them.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    Dec. 5, 2006
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    My father died three days ago. He was 86.

    We had a very complicated relationship. Growing up, he was very cold, perpetually angry, and impatient. He was abusive in several ways. He and my mother divorced when I was 14 and he married his secretary. I refused to embrace their relationship which resulted in him saying "Well, you better damn well get used to it." He called me a spoiled "c*nt", lazy, and other lovely things. We didn't speak for 8 or 9 years. Two months before I got married (19 years ago), he suffered an aortic aneurysm and literally died 2x on the table. After that, he kind of changed. He softened a bit and actually took a bit of interest in my children (thanks to his wife - the secretary who I have come to really love.) Despite this, I never felt close to him though I went through the motions for my kids. I have forgiven, but not forgotten.

    When he died this week, I felt really nothing. I feel a sadness deep within but I think that I am mourning the father that was never there; the one I never had.

    You are not alone.
    Become a Posse and help keep kids on horses and off the streets.
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    3 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    It's a sad thing to see a person try their entire lives to get someone to love them, and that person is incapable of loving anyone. I've known quite a few people who sacrificed their entire lives to get some abusive cretin to love them, and not one person every got anything resembling love out of the parent or grandparent. You don't owe anyone an explanation, just come to a decision that works for you, and don't let anyone push you into a relationship you don't want or need. You deserve to be treasured for the unique, loving person you are, and I hope everyone on here finds that kind of love. Many will never find acceptance, or love from family, so you need to make your own way in the world, and make a 'family' of people who love you.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    5 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
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    Yeah. I see how anger covers the heartbreak. You can't go around crying all of the time, so you have to get angry. I guess I haven't been angry long enough to stop wanting the caring. It's been a long process, 20 something years, but only really hit me what it is recently, so I guess I have a long way to go. A lot of the rest of the family had much better self-preservation instincts--get away as soon as you can and far.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
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    If you've never had love from a person, how deeply can you mourn not having had it? He NEVER loved his daughter, she cannot deeply miss what she never, ever had. She was shown over and over again- go away, be punished, Go Away.

    Yet some here believe there's some freaking Hallmark moment pending. BS. No, he doesn't deserve the opportunity to hurt her yet again, and she's finally learned how to avoid that blender.

    To those who think secrets will feel bad for not reaching out- you have no idea how permanent and real an emotional wall can - and should - be.

    Best wishes for you in all that you do, secrets.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by katarine View Post
    If you've never had love from a person, how deeply can you mourn not having had it? He NEVER loved his daughter, she cannot deeply miss what she never, ever had. She was shown over and over again- go away, be punished, Go Away.

    Yet some here believe there's some freaking Hallmark moment pending. BS. No, he doesn't deserve the opportunity to hurt her yet again, and she's finally learned how to avoid that blender.

    To those who think secrets will feel bad for not reaching out- you have no idea how permanent and real an emotional wall can - and should - be.

    Best wishes for you in all that you do, secrets.
    A lot. I have to say though, if the OP really doesn't care (although obviously she does some, or she wouldn't be posting), more power to her.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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