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  1. #121
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    Quote Originally Posted by french fry View Post
    You have absolutely no evidence that he is not stalking her. Why would you even make a claim like that?

    I'm not saying the OP should prosecute him for breaking the social contract; are you being deliberately obtuse? I am saying that he makes unwanted advances towards her via text as well as watching her and gleaning information about her when she is unaware and she does not have to passively put up with that. That could very well be stalking and having a bunch of people tell her that SIMPLY BEING NERVOUS is overreacting is not helpful to the OP.

    I would love to see the post where I said she should prosecute him for stalking.
    You have no evidence that he is, and certainly there's not enough evidence to go to the police. I'm not "trying to be obtuse" (seriously?) and perhaps you're reading too much into my posts...or not reading them carefully enough. I'm not arguing, I'm giving a point of view. You don't have to agree.
    Proud member of the Colbert Dressage Nation


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  2. #122
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    Noticing someone doesn't make you a stalker. Watching the same car go down the street wondering if it contains the beloved object doesn't necessarily make you a stalker either. Nor does "texting too much."

    The crossing of the line is the things that are definitely creepy, in escalating order:

    -He hangs out at the dog park without a dog.
    -He obviously had been watching OP because he's not a dog owner yet he knew the dogs' names before they met. (Dog people could well know the names. No dog? Creepy).
    -He points out to her that he knows her car and looks for it and fishes for information about underground parking. Which makes me think he'd be likely to take a walk or a cruise in that nice underground parking lot in hopes of meeting OP.
    -He texts her while she's in the dog park and tells her what the dog is wearing: IOW I see you. I see you when you can't see me. I always see you. I know what you (the dog is a displacement object) I know what YOU are wearing. I'm watching you.

    It's these things that transcend the gee, she's nice, I want to get to know her.

    Hopefully he has now gotten the message from OP and she's seen the last of the contact. Even so, as others have said, be especially alert for a while.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  3. #123
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    Quote Originally Posted by J-Lu View Post
    You have no evidence that he is, and certainly there's not enough evidence to go to the police. I'm not "trying to be obtuse" (seriously?) and perhaps you're reading too much into my posts...or not reading them carefully enough. I'm not arguing, I'm giving a point of view. You don't have to agree.
    I guess I'm a little confused about why you can't go to the police in a less formal way, ie without a file of evidence and an order to arrest him.

    I can't imagine that they wouldn't respond well to the OP walking into the precinct going, "Hi there, I feel a little silly but I wanted to let you know that there is someone in my neighborhood who has been watching me and seems to know a lot about my daily habits. He's been texting me frequently and so far I've just been ignoring them. I was just going to text him back to tell him to stop contacting me but since he lives close to me and has been keeping an eye on me I wanted to make sure that's the right course of action. What do you think?"

    No harm, no foul, and if he reacts terribly to her request to stop contacting her she has a basis to build on with the police.

    The OP doesn't have to follow my advice, of course, but I don't see any reason to minimize her concerns. It's not like her choices are to pretend like nothing is happening or throw him in jail for life.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  4. #124
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    ^^^This.


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  5. #125
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    But what about the part where she was texting him too? And talking with him? and making plans with him?

    I don't think she did anything wrong but I think now she needs to be clear.

    I think any police officer is going to ask her if she asked him to stop contacting her. And when she says no...I haven't. They're going to say ok, do that first.

    I think any of us would say if he persists after being told to stop it's a different ball game.
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #126
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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboymom View Post
    But what about the part where she was texting him too? And talking with him? and making plans with him?

    I don't think she did anything wrong but I think now she needs to be clear.

    I think any police officer is going to ask her if she asked him to stop contacting her. And when she says no...I haven't. They're going to say ok, do that first.

    I think any of us would say if he persists after being told to stop it's a different ball game.
    Several of us have said what a police officer will say, from experience,not conjecture. Why do some of you feel a need to minimize the possible danger?

    I'll say it again, listen to cloudyandcallie.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    6 members found this post helpful.

  7. #127
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    Quote Originally Posted by LauraKY View Post
    Several of us have said what a police officer will say, from experience,not conjecture. Why do some of you feel a need to minimize the possible danger?

    I'll say it again, listen to cloudyandcallie.

    Bolded, this in spades. Please listen to C&C. He never has to know you went to ask the police if they think you should text him back the 'no contact' thing.

    And they won't laugh at you. This will listen to you and decide what is best based on their experience .... they may already know about him if he has done this before.
    HaHA! Made-est Thou Look!


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  8. #128
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    I am not downplaying the possible danger for pete's sake, if you read what I have said it is that she should be more careful and she should be careful before, after and during this situation. NOWHERE did I say she should ignore the situation and never have a care in the world.

    What I AM saying is that she has not been clear enough. I am saying that she should be clear that he stop contacting her.

    I think it's weak to wring hands b/c he keeps texting her when he hasn't been told to stop. (and apparently he is getting the hint b/c it's dwindling?

    Clear?
    Last edited by cowboymom; Jan. 17, 2014 at 01:24 PM. Reason: typos
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


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  9. #129
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    Quote Originally Posted by LauraKY View Post
    Several of us have said what a police officer will say, from experience,not conjecture. Why do some of you feel a need to minimize the possible danger?

    I'll say it again, listen to cloudyandcallie.
    Adding to this, cowboymom, my earlier post got buried but I did say that my friend has personal experience with a very similar situation and the police were very receptive to this type of query. I consider this firsthand info because I was there when she spoke to the police. In fact, they went as far as to say to always report it - for the good of someone else if not yourself. (The OP is likely not the first person this has happened to with this particular guy and may not be the last.)

    I'd personally rather get their feedback on the right thing to do at this point since it's not as simple as a case of someone who is texting a lot. This man lives on her street and is actually watching her (potentially following her!) and texting her creepy things about her daily habits. They may say, "Okay, so tell him to stop texting you and get back to us if he does." They may say, "Since he lives so close to you and already made it clear that he watches you and knows your habits, we don't advise potentially setting him off. We'll send a couple extra patrols through the area and make sure to tell us if anything else happens!"

    He is in such close proximity to the OP, why take a chance?


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  10. #130
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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboymom View Post
    I am not downplaying the possible danger for pete's sake, if you read what I have said it is that she should be more care and she should be careful before, after and during this situation. NOWHERE did I say she should ignore the situation and never have a care in the world

    What I AM saying is that she has not been clear enough. I am saying that she should be clear that he stop contacting her.

    I think it's weak to wring hands b/c he keeps texting her when he hasn't been told to stop.

    Clear?
    And many of us are saying she needs to go to the police. Why not, what is your reasoning for not going to the police? Because you think they might laugh at her?
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


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  11. #131
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    I haven't advised her NOT to go to the police if that's what she thinks she should do. (and she apparently doesn't think so)

    I am clearly advising her that based on what has happened here and what she has said and done so far that I think she should be clear.

    I don't think that if she does that and he persists that the police will tell her she made a mistake? I think that it is empowering to her and clear to him to tell him to back off.

    Of course if someone is concerned enough to go to the police or feel that they should then the police should respect their concern and help her. But I can't imagine at some point they don't ask for the whole story or text history and see that she did a 180* and he could have been confused.

    Honestly, I've seen more than one romantic comedy type movie where the underdog guy charms the socks off of the girl by doing the exact same thing this guy attempted.
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey



  12. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboymom View Post
    I haven't advised her NOT to go to the police if that's what she thinks she should do. (and she apparently doesn't think so)

    I am clearly advising her that based on what has happened here and what she has said and done so far that I think she should be clear.

    I don't think that if she does that and he persists that the police will tell her she made a mistake? I think that it is empowering to her and clear to him to tell him to back off.

    Of course if someone is concerned enough to go to the police or feel that they should then the police should respect their concern and help her. But I can't imagine at some point they don't ask for the whole story or text history and see that she did a 180* and he could have been confused.

    Honestly, I've seen more than one romantic comedy type movie where the underdog guy charms the socks off of the girl by doing the exact same thing this guy attempted.
    See, there you go again, minimizing the danger. It's not a fairy tale, romantic comedy, it's real life, and it could be extremely dangerous for the OP. She needs to go to the police!
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


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  13. #133
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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboymom View Post
    Honestly, I've seen more than one romantic comedy type movie where the underdog guy charms the socks off of the girl by doing the exact same thing this guy attempted.
    This is so true. I am not without sympathy for single men - the media is always telling them to be assertive, strong, persistent, romantic, etc. but unfortunately in real life this behavior is often perceived as scary or aggressive.

    Again, the difference to me here is that this isn't just some dude she met at a bar who is trying to keep his options open by texting her sporadically. We've all been there. This lives in her neighborhood, watches her, learns her habits, texts her things that are pretty classic stalker behavior (the underlying message seems to be, "I'm watching you!"), etc.

    To me that's worth putting on someone's radar. If this guy ends up giving up and fading out all the better, I don't think any of us actually WANT to be proven right that this guy is a scary stalker. It's just that some of us have been there and we know that no matter how dramatic it seems, reporting this kind of thing is a simple action that does not typically have negative consequences and often works to the benefit of the greater good.

    I do think women are often too afraid to stand up and call attention to bad behavior and that it often ends up being extremely detrimental. That's why I reacted negatively to the sentiments running along the lines of, "it's silly to think this guy is stalking you! He's almost certainly perfectly harmless!"

    I really hate to see women's natural tendency to underreact being reinforced. One day an "overreaction" could save someone's life.


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  14. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anne FS View Post
    Noticing someone doesn't make you a stalker. Watching the same car go down the street wondering if it contains the beloved object doesn't necessarily make you a stalker either. Nor does "texting too much."

    The crossing of the line is the things that are definitely creepy, in escalating order:

    -He hangs out at the dog park without a dog.
    -He obviously had been watching OP because he's not a dog owner yet he knew the dogs' names before they met. (Dog people could well know the names. No dog? Creepy).
    -He points out to her that he knows her car and looks for it and fishes for information about underground parking. Which makes me think he'd be likely to take a walk or a cruise in that nice underground parking lot in hopes of meeting OP.
    -He texts her while she's in the dog park and tells her what the dog is wearing: IOW I see you. I see you when you can't see me. I always see you. I know what you (the dog is a displacement object) I know what YOU are wearing. I'm watching you.

    It's these things that transcend the gee, she's nice, I want to get to know her.

    Hopefully he has now gotten the message from OP and she's seen the last of the contact. Even so, as others have said, be especially alert for a while.
    Creeeeep-yyyyy.
    Totally.

    If she goes to the cops and they ask 'did you tell him to leave you alone?' she can honestly answer 'I wasn't sure what to do, since I hadn't had a text in a couple days... I thought contacting him might be the wrong thing to do, even if it was to say 'buzz off'.
    Just go talk to the cops.
    Yo/Yousolong April 23rd, 1985- April 15th, 2014

    http://notesfromadogwalker.com/2012/...m-a-sanctuary/


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  15. #135
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    OP, please let this man know you are not interested in a relationship and give him a chance to let it go. I think the proposed text message you wrote here is fine, as is. If he contacts you after that, then it's time to go to the police. I appreciate and share everyone's concern for your safety, but I think this guy deserves a chance to back off after having his bubble burst. Please, tell him to stop, and then do what you need to do if he doesn't. I'm pretty sure he will, though.
    Quote Originally Posted by Linny View Post
    Those martingales were so taut, you could play Ode to Joy on them with a comb


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  16. #136
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    He hasn't been given the chance to prove himself harmless. Clueless and desperate maybe.

    I haven't called her silly by any means, either. I have a 13 year old daughter sitting next to me here and I am not saying anything to the OP that I wouldn't say to my own kid.

    What I think is correct is to be clear with him so HE knows the score and then OP will know for sure if he is out of line or not. I am not even saying NOT to go to the cops or whatever action she thinks she should take, I am standing on that ONE POINT of being clear, saying that *I* think it is best to tell the guy to stop texting/talking.
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


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  17. #137
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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboymom View Post
    He hasn't been given the chance to prove himself harmless. Clueless and desperate maybe.

    I haven't called her silly by any means, either. I have a 13 year old daughter sitting next to me here and I am not saying anything to the OP that I wouldn't say to my own kid.

    What I think is correct is to be clear with him so HE knows the score and then OP will know for sure if he is out of line or not. I am not even saying NOT to go to the cops or whatever action she thinks she should take, I am standing on that ONE POINT of being clear, saying that *I* think it is best to tell the guy to stop texting/talking.
    Why would you not advise going to the police and asking for advice before contacting or responding again? Maybe it's best that she respond, maybe not, maybe he has a history or a record.

    He hasn't been given a chance to prove himself dangerous either, why give him the chance?
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


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  18. #138
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    Look, I've been the creepy stalker. I wasn't actually a stalker I just had horrible social skills so what I did to show my interest was awkward, weird and ham-fisted. LOL I'm older now so I can edit before the creep factor comes out

    For example when I was an undergrad I was in luuuuurrrve with this beautiful Indian guy. I was everywhere he was, and once in the Student Union I had a blast just watching him sleep (yeah, I know).

    I had no idea until one day I heard him say to his friend, "Dude I woke up and she was like staring at me, like watching me sleep."

    This guy just sounds awkward. If you want to (you don't have to of course) text him back that you're fine, but you are not interested in him. Thereafter if he texts you and you don't text back there'll be no mystery.

    Of course you can go straight to treating him like a potential criminal too. It's a free country.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


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  19. #139
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    Because, LauraKY, I have an opinion and thoughts on how I think it is best to handle this situation. You have your approach, I have mine. OP gets to decide what to do.
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


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  20. #140
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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboymom View Post
    Because, LauraKY, I have an opinion and thoughts on how I think it is best to handle this situation. You have your approach, I have mine. OP gets to decide what to do.
    How will you feel if she takes your advice and the unthinkable happens? I'll still be fine with the advice I gave, will you?
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


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