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  1. #41
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    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Quote Originally Posted by HorsefaceDee View Post
    I guess I feel like I lead him on a bit by texting him even though I wasn't romantically interested.
    Yes. Well, not that you led him on but a lot of guys equate ANY response to "she wants me." or at least to "she's interested." They know what it's like to have women ignore them when they're not interested, so they figure if they get a nibble on the line they have a fish.

    Quote Originally Posted by HorsefaceDee View Post
    So I feel like maybe I owe him an explanation.
    No. NO.

    Repeat after me: NO.

    Look in the mirror and say: NO. I owe no explanation.

    The not texting back, the not calling, the not responding is your explanation.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
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    Mar. 23, 2005
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    SF Bay Area
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    Quote Originally Posted by HorsefaceDee View Post
    I kind of don't want to block his number as at least I know who it is. It hasn't started to get under my skin that badly yet.
    I think that is a mistake ... his behavior should be getting under your skin by now, unless you are enjoying his attention somehow.

    Are you really ambivalent about the situation? Bored by him in person but flattered by his persistence?


    7 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
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    Jun. 28, 2010
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    NY
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    Quote Originally Posted by RainyDayRide View Post
    I think that is a mistake ... his behavior should be getting under your skin by now, unless you are enjoying his attention somehow.

    Are you really ambivalent about the situation? Bored by him in person but flattered by his persistence?
    what? no. I haven't ever dealt with this before. I don't want to over react...but after reading what everyone has said I am more worried than I was before.

    if he texts me again I am calling the police


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
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    Dec. 4, 2005
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    washington state
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    The Mr. Number I linked blocks calls but records when they call, in a log
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
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    Mar. 19, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by J-Lu View Post
    I actually dated a guy like this! I suspect that this guy has had an eye on you for a while and was super-excited to finally meet you. I suspect that he had a little fantasy built up in his head already which is why he told you so soon that you are beautiful and that he missed you - he already had a bit of a relationship going with you in his mind. Yes, it's not very "normal" but it's not time to call the police yet, either. He has done nothing against the law.

    I would not text him back *anything*. Do not text "don't contact me again" or anything because you know the next set of texts will say "why?" and "what did I do?" and "but things were going well" and may even cause him to be upset enough to make contact with you by calling or waiting outside your door (upset enough that he wants to know what he did wrong and ask for another chance or so that he doesn't do it in the future). Again, that's not "call the police" material because you can't just get restraining orders willy nilly, but you don't want to give this guy who you did go out with one time any sort of stimulation. Simply don't answer. If he lives across the street and sees you out his window, he'll know you're perfectly fine and are ignoring him. If you see him in the dog park or on a sidewalk, chat pleasantly but don't ask any questions, start any conversation (operhaps start a conversation with someone else and turn your back), and just keep saying "you have to go". he'll move on. Directly saying "don't talk to me" can make an obviously insecure person emotional (i.e. "what did I do?" "All I've been is nice to you", etc. and can create a scene...and will give him fodder to contact you later to tell you about the things he thought about later but didn't tell you at the time).

    I have had several "suitors" and a couple of highly needy friends criticize me for not texting them back right away. It is not my problem (or yours) when people need text messages for validation on a regular basis.

    PS. after reading a couple of posts, I highly disagree with contacting the police just yet. You want the guy to go away, not stew in anger at you because you complained to the police about his "genuine concern for a woman he was dating".
    I disagree with this advise except for the bit where he made a fantasy relationship with you. The suggestions might work...or it might have you on the scary end of a stalkers fantasy. Your alarm bells are ringing. Mine are ringing, and I'm only reading what you have written. For peace of mind create a police paper trail. If you live alone have someone you can text at certain hours so that if you don't call in they know you need to be looked for
    He should have stopped texting and trying to make contact when you didn't respond. Chatting in the street is just going to convince him that you have a relationship. Don't do this. Don't do anything that could make other people think you have a relationship. If he insists ph police and make a scene until they arrive.

    Even socially inept people would have got the message by now. It is not your responsibility to manage socially awkward people. He is persisting so that tips him over the edge from socially awkward to stalker.
    Hopefully this will blow over in a couple of weeks but it doesn't hurt to take precautions.
    I also recommend the book 'The Gift of Fear'


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
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    Feb. 14, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by HorsefaceDee View Post
    here is the backstory for a little perspective...

    A little while before xmas I met a guy while I was walking my dogs in the dog park. He didn't have dogs but seemed to know my dogs by name. I thought he seemed nice and we had had a great conversation about business and networking ect. Anyhow he asked for my number and we exchanged a few texts.

    Then the day after he asked me out to dinner to chat about finidng work and business ect...I thought ok cool. Then he started sending texts about how beautiful I was, he missed me ect. Weird. So I cancelled.

    He asked me out again and I was going to go, cause I felt I kind of owed him for cancelling before and felt guitly. I had an appointment come up and again cancelled. I was appologetic, but I figured I really didn't owe him anything.

    Finally he showed up one afternoon when I was out with my dogs and came for a walk. I found him a bit boring and awkward. We talked about him going away next week for work ect. End of walk I said good bye and hurried off.

    The next day he texts me saying, oh I thought you had underground parking. I saw (a car the same as mine) parked on the street when I drove by.

    Then there were a few more texts asking where I was..
    I finally answered saying I had plans.

    I didn't text him again.

    A few days later when he returns home he texts me saying ..HI there I'm home..I don't reply.

    3hrs later he replies that he texted a few friends and that they all replied within the hour..except for me!

    Again I don't reply.

    now every other day he is texting me are you ok? What's going on? Hello???

    I feel like I should say something but I am afraid to engage....what would you do??
    I think you should get a concealed carry permit if you don't already have one, and I'd give some thought to moving or at least take a stay-cation at someone's house. I would block his number too if your carrier or phone allow for it. Some people might call me paranoid, but I grew up in Chicago and the thing about being paranoid is, it doesn't mean that someone isn't out to get you.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    4 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamwalker View Post
    I disagree with this advise except for the bit where he made a fantasy relationship with you. The suggestions might work...or it might have you on the scary end of a stalkers fantasy. Your alarm bells are ringing. Mine are ringing, and I'm only reading what you have written. For peace of mind create a police paper trail. If you live alone have someone you can text at certain hours so that if you don't call in they know you need to be looked for
    He should have stopped texting and trying to make contact when you didn't respond. Chatting in the street is just going to convince him that you have a relationship. Don't do this. Don't do anything that could make other people think you have a relationship. If he insists ph police and make a scene until they arrive.

    Even socially inept people would have got the message by now. It is not your responsibility to manage socially awkward people. He is persisting so that tips him over the edge from socially awkward to stalker.
    Hopefully this will blow over in a couple of weeks but it doesn't hurt to take precautions.
    I also recommend the book 'The Gift of Fear'
    Socially inept people very well may not have gotten te message by now. Not at all.

    Not saying this guy is just socially awkward, because I don't know.
    LarkspurCO: no horse's training is complete until it can calmly yet expressively perform GP in stadium filled w/chainsaw juggling zombies riding unicycles while flying monkeys w/bottle rockets...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
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    Feb. 14, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
    Let him know to not contact you anymore then block his number.......lesson learned, never give out your number to somebody you've just met! Does he know where you live? If not, start to park somewhere a little different, keep your eyes and ears open and if he keeps contacting you after you have told him to stop, then I'm afraid it's time to probably look into a restraining order.

    I've never had to deal with this so I'm not sure if this is the correct steps but if your alarm is going off there's probably a good reason for it!
    I have a very light trigger on my personal alarm and even so, it is seldom wrong.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
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    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Harrisburg, PA USA
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    Quote Originally Posted by HorsefaceDee View Post
    I kind of don't want to block his number as at least I know who it is. It hasn't started to get under my skin that badly yet.
    Ummm....what? You "kind of don't want to" make him go away?

    Oh, dear.

    And really, if he texts you again you're going to the police? The first thing they'll say is "Did you block his number?" and when you say, "I kinda don't want to" they might very well dismiss you.

    I admit I get a baby-girl vibe from that. Pinafore, eyes cast down, one finger to the dimple, mary jane shoe twisting back & forth on the ground as the body rocks side to side. Maybe even a tee-hee.

    You've gotten a lot of good advice. Different opinions on police contact but consistent throughout as to response. Only you can decide what to do. Good luck.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
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    Feb. 14, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by SarEQ View Post
    First, you don't owe anyone anything if you cancel a date because you get a strange vibe. There is no reason to feel guilty. You have instincts for a reason. Besides, if you have a strange vibe are you reall thinking you want a long term relationship with him? It'd be more unfair to let him think he's got a shot by going on a date with him. You don't owe anyone a date, you don't owe anyone a chance... Let go of that thinking.

    Second, how does he know your dog's names and what kind of car you drive... And where you park? That's really creepy.

    I'd reply with a very straightforward response. "I am not interested in a friendship or relationship with you. Do not contact me again."

    I would avoid that park for awhile. It creeps me out that it seems like he was trying to bond with your dogs so that they won't see him as a threat.
    Yep.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique



  11. #51
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    Feb. 23, 2005
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    Spotsylvania, VA
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    NY laws on pepper spray are strict and availability is limited. PLEASE go to your local pharmacy and buy yourself some. I suggest 3 canisters, one by your door, one by your bed and one to carry along with you. Also the same for LOUD personal alarms.
    I feel OK with not having one but you might consider a CC
    I wasn't always a Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



  12. #52
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    Jun. 28, 2010
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    NY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anne FS View Post
    Ummm....what? You "kind of don't want to" make him go away?

    Oh, dear.

    And really, if he texts you again you're going to the police? The first thing they'll say is "Did you block his number?" and when you say, "I kinda don't want to" they might very well dismiss you.

    I admit I get a baby-girl vibe from that. Pinafore, eyes cast down, one finger to the dimple, mary jane shoe twisting back & forth on the ground as the body rocks side to side. Maybe even a tee-hee.

    You've gotten a lot of good advice. Different opinions on police contact but consistent throughout as to response. Only you can decide what to do. Good luck.
    ah no! you are reading that wrong.

    I mean, if I block it and he texta I won't know it's him. I prefer to know who texts me ect and can ignore. Somehow I feel safer knowing who is trying to contact me.... BUT as someone pointed out there is that Mr Blocker thing. AND after reading everyone's advice, I am an idiot for not blocking him...

    I suppose I suffer from "oh that would never happen to me" syndrome. Time to get over that I suppose.

    A little grossed out that anyone here would think I like this....blech


    4 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
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    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Harrisburg, PA USA
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    Depends on where she lives for concealed carry. NYC for example - not easy to get one.

    And let's be realistic: here we have someone who cannot deal with an unwanted casual acquaintance. And you're going to encourage her to pull a loaded gun? In two seconds a creep is going to grab that gun out of her hands and blow her head off or bonk her on the head with it.

    Reality check: if you have a loaded gun, you had damn well better be strong & confident and accurate in using it in times of stress & panic. Very few people are. Dithering will get you killed. And if you pull a gun you had better be prepared to kill someone with it. And fast.


    28 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
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    Mar. 23, 2005
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    SF Bay Area
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    Quote Originally Posted by HorsefaceDee View Post
    A little grossed out that anyone here would think I like this....blech
    Frankly, it was the only explanation I could think of as to why you weren't more concerned about your personal safety.

    Actually, that is not quite true. It also occurred to me that you might be a troll, because I find it really hard to believe you're not listening to your own alarm bells. Look at how you're setting off bells in those of us who are only reading about the situation.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
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    Jun. 28, 2010
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    NY
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    Quote Originally Posted by RainyDayRide View Post
    Frankly, it was the only explanation I could think of as to why you weren't more concerned about your personal safety.

    Actually, that is not quite true. It also occurred to me that you might be a troll, because I find it really hard to believe you're not listening to your own alarm bells. Look at how you're setting off bells in those of us who are only reading about the situation.
    I assure you I am not a troll! My inner voice went off after the first weird text. I have a bad habit of talking myself out of being concerned about things I should be. Hence why I posted here..


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
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    OP has been on Coth since 2010. And the creepy guy story is totally typical of a stalker. They are everywhere, although most people don't realize they are being stalked unless the guy is persistent, like this one.

    You are in NY, OP? NYC or where? Go to your local precinct and talk to the cops. In person. Don't call. Get your beat cop(s) to come by often. Nothing like a cop in uniform visiting you to change the guy's focus to someone else. And your cops can run his name and DOB on NCIC to see if anyone with that name and birth date has a record. And if there is a cop who works the dog park, ask him to come observe you when you walk your dogs. And alert all the others in the dog park to look out for you. Dog owners stick together and help each other in big cities. Stay alert. You do not want to get pushed into your car and taken off. Or caught outside your door to your house or apt. So tell you neighbors to watch out for the guy.

    Don't carry a gun or knife unless you know how to use it and you are sure you can use it. My father always said NOT to get shot with my own gun. A key held between your figures can help protect you. Go take a self defense course. The eyes and the crotch are the targets women are told to aim for, or the instep, but you don't want to get to a physical state. Get your local cops to help you and keep this guy away from you. Go visit them now. You know, cops love to be invited in for a cup of coffee or to use a clean restroom when hey are on duty. No one messes with a woman with cop friends if the guy sees the cops around you.

    (You don't have to date a cop. One of our deputies in Atlanta bought my sports car and changed the bumper sticker from "A women's place is in the house and in the senate" to "Sleep safe tonight, sleep with a cop." Everyone thought I still owned that car, LOL.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anne FS View Post
    Depends on where she lives for concealed carry. NYC for example - not easy to get one.

    And let's be realistic: here we have someone who cannot deal with an unwanted casual acquaintance. And you're going to encourage her to pull a loaded gun? In two seconds a creep is going to grab that gun out of her hands and blow her head off or bonk her on the head with it.

    Reality check: if you have a loaded gun, you had damn well better be strong & confident and accurate in using it in times of stress & panic. Very few people are. Dithering will get you killed. And if you pull a gun you had better be prepared to kill someone with it. And fast.
    The thing is, if such a time of stress and panic occurs, she's already in deep enough that a loaded gun might well be the only thing that can save her. Unless she's a martial arts expert, which also be good, but if that were the case then she'd already have the answer on what to do.

    Me personally, I'd rather be shot by my own gun getting away from me than being raped, maybe tortured and then slowly killed.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by cloudyandcallie View Post
    OP has been on Coth since 2010. And the creepy guy story is totally typical of a stalker. They are everywhere, although most people don't realize they are being stalked unless the guy is persistent, like this one.

    You are in NY, OP? NYC or where? Go to your local precinct and talk to the cops. In person. Don't call. Get your beat cop(s) to come by often. Nothing like a cop in uniform visiting you to change the guy's focus to someone else. And your cops can run his name and DOB on NCIC to see if anyone with that name and birth date has a record. And if there is a cop who works the dog park, ask him to come observe you when you walk your dogs. And alert all the others in the dog park to look out for you. Dog owners stick together and help each other in big cities. Stay alert. You do not want to get pushed into your car and taken off. Or caught outside your door to your house or apt. So tell you neighbors to watch out for the guy.
    If you're in NYC and have a building superintendent and/or doorman, maybe give them the heads-up as to what is going on too, if you trust them.
    Proud Member of the "I Don't Do Facebook" Clique


    5 members found this post helpful.

  19. #59
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    Jun. 22, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by RainyDayRide View Post
    Frankly, it was the only explanation I could think of as to why you weren't more concerned about your personal safety.

    Actually, that is not quite true. It also occurred to me that you might be a troll, because I find it really hard to believe you're not listening to your own alarm bells. Look at how you're setting off bells in those of us who are only reading about the situation.
    This isn't entirely fair. Women are conditioned to downplay these things and are afraid to ruffle any feathers or embarrass anyone (including themselves.)

    Semi-recently a man full on grabbed my butt while passing me on a crowded public staircase. I immediately started making excuses for him to my aghast boyfriend, who had wanted to call attention to the situation. "It's so crowded, maybe he just accidentally got too close and brushed by me!" "Yeah, that explains the perfectly-aimed open-handed grab and squeeze," my BF deadpanned.

    Again: we are trained to ignore our instincts and "keep the peace."

    OP, knowing that you don't want to make a stir on the off chance that he's a socially clueless but harmless guy, here's what I'd recommend:

    1. the aforementioned cease contact.

    2. If he approaches you on the street and you cannot ignore him, calmly say,
    "You are making me uncomfortable, I need you to walk away from me." (Pro tip from my BF: absolutely NO decent guy, socially inept or not, wants to make a woman uncomfortable. They do have some knowledge of what we have to go through on a daily basis and do not want to be responsible for freaking you out. A normal guy will HIGH-TAIL it away at this point.) If he persists, broken record, "You are making me uncomfortable," escalating your volume and level of intensity if needed to attract attention from those around you while getting away from him to safety. I hope this is obvious but if he makes some sort of physical advance or otherwise threatens you, drop the "you're making me uncomfortable" and swap it for, "HELP!!!"

    3. Call the non-emergency police line and ask for someone to speak to re: potential stalking. Be calm and unbiased; you don't need to interject your opinions or make this guy sound more/less creepy. Just a calm recitation of the facts, ending with the question, "How do you think I should proceed?"

    Whether he means to or not, he is making you creeped out and uncomfortable and he has no right to do that. You do not have to consider his feelings.


    25 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
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    When was the last time you responded to his text? I'd say if he's still texting you say a week after your last response, may be time to talk to the police. If you run into him be very cool & unemotional. Short to the point words. Busy, have to get things done. I call it "the freeze". It's worked the couple times I've found myself in that situation.

    But definitely be prepared, you may have a bigger problem on your hands. I would get the pepper spray. Become super aware of everyone around you. Plan what you will do if he shows up at your door. Or walks up to your car. Cold, unemotional on the outside - ready to bolt if needed on the inside. Stressful but necessary for at least a month or two after his last contact with you.

    Not fair indeed, but reality. We have to deal with what is happening, not what should be happening.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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