The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 6 of 11 FirstFirst ... 45678 ... LastLast
Results 101 to 120 of 217
  1. #101
    Join Date
    Aug. 9, 2007
    Posts
    9,075

    Default

    OMG, cattle prod, I love it! Who would think to carry a cattle prod in her purse?

    The police can tell the guy that OP does not want him contacting her again. Cops deliver messages much more effectively than do civilians. As for those who think that he's just "socially awkward," it's better to be very careful than to be attacked. It's not being paranoid. Those of us who have experienced stalkers, not the kind of cyber stalkers that everyone on Coth talks about, but the guys who follow you around and want to "own" you, know that they can be dangerous and deadly. OP, go to your local precinct and file a report. If the cops want YOU to contact the guy, then follow their instructions. If they want to deliver your message, thank them profusely


    4 members found this post helpful.

  2. #102
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,761

    Default

    Before doing anything else, I would make it crystal clear to him that you are not interested. Sooooooo many women are reluctant to just say "no", because we are raised to be "nice". "No" is often, actually, the kindest thing to say. Doesn't matter whether he is socially awkward/inexperienced and bad at taking subtle social hints or whether he is a stalker. The first thing you have to is be clear:

    "I think there has been a misunderstanding. I am not interested in having a relationship of any kind with you. Please do not contact me again".

    If he is just socially unsophisticated, he'll likely stop, now that he knows the story in unambiguous terms. If he is a stalker, you'll have something to take to authorities if he contacts you again. You can't expect anyone to enforce lack of contact, if you haven't told him clearly that you don't want it.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #103
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    17,844

    Default

    I'll say it again, listen to C&C. And listen to yourself, when the hair goes up on the back of your neck, pay attention! The life you save may be your own.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    7 members found this post helpful.

  4. #104
    Join Date
    Oct. 29, 2013
    Posts
    135

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LauraKY View Post
    I'll say it again, listen to C&C. And listen to yourself, when the hair goes up on the back of your neck, pay attention! The life you save may be your own.
    ^Ditto this!^


    6 members found this post helpful.

  5. #105
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2012
    Posts
    1,473

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by J-Lu View Post
    I hear what you're saying! Honestly, and I know this will shock some people, but I'm not nearly as concerned as others here are. Seems to me that the guy has a crush on her. They had a great conversation, they exchanged numbers, agreed to go out then she cancelled. And cancelled again. He lives near her and apparently knows her car (I used to know the cars men I've had a crush on drove), and can see her walking her dog from his window. He's probably been looking for her in the dog park that he can see from his window. In my opinion, this isn't "OMG, call the police!" material. This is either tell him to stop texting/contacting or ignore him material. He *could* be a real stalker. He *could* be a great guy with awkward social manners and a real crush on the OP.
    Even if he is a "great" guy with a "real" crush he is behaving like a creep. I don't see why the onus falls on the OP to make excuses for someone who is clearly (at the very least) breaking the social contract.

    If you're really as concerned about this guy's feelings as you sound, think of it this way: the sooner he learns that his behavior is creepy and inappropriate, the sooner he is going to not totally creep out the next girls he has a crush on. Win-win!

    I know you mean well but I think it's sort of sad and indicative of our "women smooth things over" culture that someone like this can act SO OUT OF LINE (he admits he watches her!!! he knew her dogs' names before he met her!!) and have all sorts of excuses made for him. His behavior is inappropriate. Full stop.

    Just because people harass us all the time doesn't mean that we have to be accommodating, making "I have a boyfriend" or "I'm busy" excuses, etc. This guy should have gotten the message by now. Since he has not, follow Coanteen's advice by sending him a short, brusque text along the lines of, "Please never contact me again" and do not engage beyond that. If he persists, time to get in touch with the police to get the situation on their radar.

    Honestly, I am surprised by the number of responses to this thread that amount to, "I've never personally been stalked so clearly stalking never happens and everyone else is just overreacting."

    We're not saying the OP should try to have him arrested immediately; I think most of us are just recommending putting some groundwork in place in case this situation escalates.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #106
    Join Date
    Jun. 28, 2010
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    360

    Default

    "I think there has been a misunderstanding. I am not interested in having a relationship of any kind with you. Please do not contact me again".

    this....if I hear from him again. So far nothing today. I hope he got the message.


    17 members found this post helpful.

  7. #107
    Join Date
    Apr. 18, 2010
    Posts
    1,684

    Default

    I hope so too! Keep all messages and texts saved on that phone in case you need a record for police. But maybe this will work (hope so! ) best of luck keep us informed


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #108
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    17,844

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by french fry View Post


    I know you mean well but I think it's sort of sad and indicative of our "women smooth things over" culture that someone like this can act SO OUT OF LINE (he admits he watches her!!! he knew her dogs' names before he met her!!) and have all sorts of excuses made for him. His behavior is inappropriate. Full stop.

    Just because people harass us all the time doesn't mean that we have to be accommodating, making "I have a boyfriend" or "I'm busy" excuses, etc. This guy should have gotten the message by now. Since he has not, follow Coanteen's advice by sending him a short, brusque text along the lines of, "Please never contact me again" and do not engage beyond that. If he persists, time to get in touch with the police to get the situation on their radar.

    Honestly, I am surprised by the number of responses to this thread that amount to, "I've never personally been stalked so clearly stalking never happens and everyone else is just overreacting."

    We're not saying the OP should try to have him arrested immediately; I think most of us are just recommending putting some groundwork in place in case this situation escalates.
    Thank you. There's the problem, many of us women have been trained from birth to be accommodating, to not rock the boat, to not hurt someone's feelings. Many times, we fall into the trap and we put ourselves in danger because we're afraid of confrontation or afraid to hurt someone's feelings.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    5 members found this post helpful.

  9. #109
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2001
    Location
    Center of the Universe
    Posts
    6,902

    Default

    try reading the "gift of fear"- it's a bit old at this point, but very dead-on and helpful, all people, particularly women, would benefit from reading it.

    it's not that hard to train dogs to bark loudly in response to a subtle hand signal or cue word, and even a small dog can make quite a racket such that an attacker might hesitate to proceed with his plans. Much safer and more likely to work than carrying weapons around. Unless you train extensively in use of your chosen weapon, most likely it will just be taken from you and used against you. Plus if you mistake the situation and attack some innocent person with a weapon, guess who gets in trouble. No one gets in trouble if your dog shows off his barking trick and attracts lots of attention from passersby.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  10. #110
    Join Date
    Jun. 28, 2010
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    360

    Default

    great idea Wendy! I actually have been working with my large scottie to bark on cue. They are pretty stubborn and not food motivated tho..slow going..haha

    I would never carry a weapon. I would be useless with it. My weapon is my size and secret strength. I am 5'11" and built like an ox..haha


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #111
    Join Date
    Sep. 15, 2003
    Posts
    440

    Default

    I haven't read the whole thread, but I'll toss this out there in case anyone else hasn't--check out the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. Basic premise is that your gut feeling is usually right and will carry you out of trouble if you let it. He also says, as someone else mentioned, that sometimes a relatively harmless but annoying stalker can be incited to more aggressive behavior by any response from you--just like the dog begging for treats, if you respond after X number of weeks or X number of texts, you've just established that persistence works. Give ONE very clear message, no thank you, please go away, and then do not respond at all ever.

    And please don't feel guilty. You don't owe him a date or a text or an explanation or an excuse or anything else. You didn't lead him on, you're not in a relationship with him, regardless of what he seems to think. Even if he is just socially awkward and doesn't realize he's being weird and creepy, it's not your responsibility to fix his social issues.

    This is a hot button for me right now; I just learned this week that one of our staff members got a really creepy letter from a prison inmate, going on for several pages about a photo he saw of her (thumbnail size head shot) next to a short article she wrote in the newspaper. This is the second time this has happened to someone on our staff in the past year. There are some really, really scary people out there.
    The hooves of the horses! Oh witching and sweet is the music earth steals from the iron-shod feet. Will Ogilvie


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #112
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 1999
    Location
    Harrisburg, PA USA
    Posts
    6,062

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by HorsefaceDee View Post
    "I think there has been a misunderstanding. I am not interested in having a relationship of any kind with you. Please do not contact me again".

    this....if I hear from him again. So far nothing today. I hope he got the message.
    Not "I think."

    "There has been a misunderstanding" etc.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  13. #113
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,315

    Default

    Yep, I was going to say, strike the first sentence on that text. Don't try to soften it up, just say the last two sentences.

    Hopefully he's gotten the hint and wandered off but BE VERY AWARE. Look in your mirror, have a plan if he shows up unexpectedly, don't open your door to any knocking, look around before you go to your car.

    I had a creeper ex that followed me around for a while; he was always parked somewhere watching me. He quit it after a while and it was never worse than that. I saw him in a bar years later though and he was just as creepy; I was glad to have my husband with me.
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #114
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2009
    Posts
    700

    Default

    To me, it doesn't matter if he's just a socially awkward guy with a crush. He's acting weird and creepy. To me socially awkward with a crush doesn't automatically mean he's a safe guy. If he doesn't recognize that it's strange to watch for her car and say he misses her after one chat or to watch where she parks to to text her a lot despite her failure to answer, how do you know he won't ignore social cues in other ways? Socially awkward and not knowing boundaries and making OP unsafe isn't okay and so him possibly being "just a guy with a crush" is irrelevant. Crush or no, there is no relationship and he's crossed the line several times. It needs to stop.

    Either way, telling him to leave you alone is the big step. His reaction from there will tell you a lot.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #115
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2005
    Location
    Spotsylvania, VA
    Posts
    13,142

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cowboymom View Post
    Leave it to COTH to go straight to a conceal carry and pepper spray! LOL

    I think the guy is weird but he should at least get the social cues spelled out in plain speak once. Considering where this has gone I would text him and say "I won't be texting back; life changed. Wish you luck but don't text me any more"

    To the point, clear, but not all freaky. If he needs to be hit with a brick wall at least do that. And THEN you can threaten.

    But no matter what, you should be as prepared before as you are now to have a creeper bother you. It can happen any time, you have your radar up now but you should always be careful. Raise your awareness now in case he is a nutjob. More likely he is someone that noticed you more than you noticed him and he's weird and he can't believe that you talked and everything and now you won't answer.
    Better be safe than sorry. I carry pepper spray, my weapon of choice, though I have never used it.

    I've seen estimates that say one in four women have been assaulted. I am one of them. Luckily my assailant thought he was being "funny" and didn't physically harm me. I bet there are women here who could say a lot worse.
    I wasn't always a Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #116
    Join Date
    Mar. 15, 2007
    Location
    (throw dart at map) NC!
    Posts
    4,786

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by french fry View Post
    Even if he is a "great" guy with a "real" crush he is behaving like a creep. I don't see why the onus falls on the OP to make excuses for someone who is clearly (at the very least) breaking the social contract.

    If you're really as concerned about this guy's feelings as you sound, think of it this way: the sooner he learns that his behavior is creepy and inappropriate, the sooner he is going to not totally creep out the next girls he has a crush on. Win-win!

    I know you mean well but I think it's sort of sad and indicative of our "women smooth things over" culture that someone like this can act SO OUT OF LINE (he admits he watches her!!! he knew her dogs' names before he met her!!) and have all sorts of excuses made for him. His behavior is inappropriate. Full stop.

    Just because people harass us all the time doesn't mean that we have to be accommodating, making "I have a boyfriend" or "I'm busy" excuses, etc. This guy should have gotten the message by now. Since he has not, follow Coanteen's advice by sending him a short, brusque text along the lines of, "Please never contact me again" and do not engage beyond that. If he persists, time to get in touch with the police to get the situation on their radar.

    Honestly, I am surprised by the number of responses to this thread that amount to, "I've never personally been stalked so clearly stalking never happens and everyone else is just overreacting."

    We're not saying the OP should try to have him arrested immediately; I think most of us are just recommending putting some groundwork in place in case this situation escalates.
    Hi Frenchfry,

    It's OK if we agree to disagree, but I'd like to clarify a couple of things. You'll notice in the OP's posts that she never told the guy to go away and not contact her. In fact, she agreed to go out with him. He's not "stalking" her, he's texting her too much. Some people do this - I know people who do this. No crime has been committed until the OP makes it clear that further texts/contact will be considered "harrassment" AND the guy continues to bother her. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and the law does, too.

    I'm not "smoothing over" anyone's behavior. I know alot of women and men who are single (I'm one) and date. I know people (women, too, evidenced by a recent thread where a woman was "internet stalking" a guy she just met and accidentally posted his name as her "facebook status" and he saw it) who do really stupid things *at the time*. It's not unheard of for a woman to "check out" a guy (i.e. "stalk" by the standards of some here) to see if he's actually single and/or seemingly sane and/or to devise a way to meet him (esp. if you live in a city). It doesn't mean that they're bona-fide stalkers or criminals.

    There is no reliable "social contract", and one can never expect someone to "get it" unless it is spelled out to them. I've lived all over the U.S. and interact with people for a living. I know that making assumptions is always a bad idea, and clear communication is always a good one. I also know that people are people, and many don't think the way I do. Thus, i wouldn't involve the police because a guy I gave my phone number to keeps texting me unless I told him point-blank to stop and he didn't. It's not up to the police to do what the OP can't do herself - tell the guy to leave her alone. Again, no crime has been committed and "the social contract" isn't a legal document.
    Proud member of the Colbert Dressage Nation


    9 members found this post helpful.

  17. #117
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2012
    Posts
    1,473

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by J-Lu View Post
    He's not "stalking" her, he's texting her too much.
    You have absolutely no evidence that he is not stalking her. Why would you even make a claim like that?

    I'm not saying the OP should prosecute him for breaking the social contract; are you being deliberately obtuse? I am saying that he makes unwanted advances towards her via text as well as watching her and gleaning information about her when she is unaware and she does not have to passively put up with that. That could very well be stalking and having a bunch of people tell her that SIMPLY BEING NERVOUS is overreacting is not helpful to the OP.

    I would love to see the post where I said she should prosecute him for stalking.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #118
    Join Date
    Mar. 15, 2007
    Location
    (throw dart at map) NC!
    Posts
    4,786

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SarEQ View Post
    To me, it doesn't matter if he's just a socially awkward guy with a crush. He's acting weird and creepy. To me socially awkward with a crush doesn't automatically mean he's a safe guy. If he doesn't recognize that it's strange to watch for her car and say he misses her after one chat or to watch where she parks to to text her a lot despite her failure to answer, how do you know he won't ignore social cues in other ways? Socially awkward and not knowing boundaries and making OP unsafe isn't okay and so him possibly being "just a guy with a crush" is irrelevant. Crush or no, there is no relationship and he's crossed the line several times. It needs to stop.

    Either way, telling him to leave you alone is the big step. His reaction from there will tell you a lot.
    I agree with you. But acting creepy doesn't mean he's automatically a criminal, either. And it doesn't mean he's stalking her because he notices her. I would just ignore the guy, personally. My larger point is that the OP can't go to the police until she actually tells him to stop contacting her in any way and he continues to contact her. Right now, he's overly annoying. That's not a crime.
    Proud member of the Colbert Dressage Nation


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #119
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2012
    Posts
    1,473

    Default

    I will also say that something similar recently happened to someone very close to me. She had no hard evidence that she was being stalked but a few weird things happened to her and she knew of someone who would have potentially had a motive to stalk her. She finally got freaked out enough to talk to the police (informally, at the station in person) and was told in no uncertain terms that she should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS report these types of things. You don't have to wait until you want to officially prosecute/get a restraining order when you go the police; in fact, by then it is often too late.

    The police need as much info as possible in order to establish patterns and put larger incidents into context. In the person I know's case, guess what? More than one person had reported the guy doing exactly what she was reporting.

    Maybe it's radically different in different states, but no one would have laughed her out of the precinct no matter what evidence (or lack thereof) there was. Nor would they have busted down a potentially innocent guy's door and arrested him without evidence, citing, "So-and-so told me there's a slight chance you might be stalking her based on zero evidence!"


    4 members found this post helpful.

  20. #120
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,315

    Default

    I agree, J-Lu.

    I can see where one's own experiences can influence how they are reacting to the OP's scenario.

    I'm sure the cops don't want to break up with this guy for her! She has it handled, nobody is going to jail yet and she is aware, as she should be anyway.
    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey



Similar Threads

  1. Creepy CL ad?
    By Murphy's Mom in forum Off Course
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: Mar. 30, 2012, 02:18 AM
  2. Creepy or not?
    By ptownevt in forum Off Course
    Replies: 62
    Last Post: Mar. 5, 2012, 09:47 AM
  3. I think this ad is creepy.
    By ExJumper in forum Hunter/Jumper
    Replies: 44
    Last Post: Sep. 27, 2010, 11:02 AM
  4. A Creepy Man in the pasture.
    By chai in forum Around The Farm
    Replies: 38
    Last Post: Sep. 13, 2010, 08:54 PM
  5. This is really creepy
    By Isabeau Z Solace in forum Off Course
    Replies: 62
    Last Post: Aug. 27, 2010, 02:24 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness