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  1. #81
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    Jan. 14, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nezzy View Post
    And i wondered for a long time, why i was targeted twice.
    Nezzy, kids that are molested are far more likely to be raped or molested again for a number of reasons. It is like you have a sign on your forehead.

    I was raped by a 16 year old boy when I was 8. Held down and forcefully raped, not groomed and molested.

    When I was 11 I started riding at a stable owned by a pedophile. My parents were not paying attention to put it mildly. As I learned years later in therapy, I was more susceptible to being abused because of my prior experience at 8. This man had a lot of pedophile friends so lets say that 11-15 were some years of a special kind of hell that probably could fill a book with the telling.

    Later, when a senior in high school, I confided in my physiology teacher some things that had happened and - wait for it - he took advantage of me. He was Massachusetts teacher of the year and of course no one would ever suspect but I was not the only one as he was also having sex with one of my friends. In fact, to make it even better, he told her she would make good money as a stripped and made a video of her stripping and dancing to music. I know this because he had me watch the video to show me how great she would be at it. You just can't make this shit up.

    Later, I was in an abusive relationship with a man 20 years my senior who raped me 2 years into a 7 year relationship. Shouldn't I have known better by the? It took me 5 years to get the courage to leave and that was only because I found myself one night, drunk out of my skull and sitting at the kitchen table with a loaded revolver pointed at my head, trigger cocked. To this day I do not know what kept me form pulling it.

    I was the same way, by the time I got to therapy at 26 I was just shell shocked and wondering why the heck it happened over and over again and of course blaming myself. It was a long time before understood that people who will rape/molest have a special kind of radar for he kids that can be taken advantage of.


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  2. #82
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    Apr. 14, 2007
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    Sketcher i am so sorry you went thru that. What a sad childhood so many of us have been thru.



  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nezzy View Post
    And i wondered for a long time, why i was targeted twice.
    IME-- I was targeted twice before I was 19-- this is a feature of us that is *made* by our screwed up families, plus perhaps some bad luck. Whatever constellation of behaviors put us in the wrong place at the wrong time for Round 2, we didn't choose those. Often, it's a complicated set as your story exhibits.

    For me, it was the being allowed to be abused initially when I'm sure it wasn't my fault and I'm sure adults should have protected me…. and then having to make sense of a world in which they did not. Like you, I assumed it was always my job to take care of myself and never ask for help. That's very, very common for survivors of sexual abuse. IMO, too, a person's "people picker" gets messed up when he/she must find a way to live with and like (or even love) adults who have been perpetrators or part of the cover up. If you can learn to cope with that kind of betrayal, perhaps your standards for morality and loyalty get lower…. and you find yourself accepting skeevier people in your life. So many lies get told around sexual abuse-- the crap that gets you into the situation and what happens afterwards, that it can be hard to keep a clear grip on the truth and an ability to read people.

    For me, there was never physical abuse in my life. My parents didn't do it, I didn't see it, I wasn't subjected to it. So I walk around ASSuming that this won't happen to me and sure that I won't stay 30 seconds with an a-hole who would hit me. I have calm and total clarity about that because I never had to rig up some BS rationalization for coping with it in my family of origin when I didn't have any other choice. I know some really smart, functional and respectable women who had physical abuse done to them in their first families only to choose more than one abusive husband… while they were doing things like going to college and buying houses and other "competent adult" things. What seems obvious to me is not obvious to these ladies.

    But I was sexually abused, emotionally abused and financially abused when I didn't have a choice and didn't know what I was teaching myself to accept as normal…. so I do things that sign me up for that. It's hard to unlearn because, whether or not I "had a part in it" as a kid (and I'm sure I didn't do anything to deserve what happened to me), I have to figure out my part in any continuing victimization that happens to me as an adult. And so many of my behaviors are "within normal limits." If we just look to vindicate me and blame some perp, I'll never learn how to behave "just that much smarter"…. like more normal, non-victim types do. I'd be *psyched* to have a therapist smart enough to help me optimize my shit.
    Last edited by mvp; Jan. 11, 2014 at 11:44 AM.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


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  4. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by CindyCRNA View Post
    I almost lost my mind when uncles and neighbors were bathing young children. While I understand dad bathing the kids, I don't think anyone else should.....well, grandma can! But not grandpa. I'm not a parent but I think only females should bathe the kids. Many were horrified when I said that as their own father (the childs grandfather) was above suspicion. Then they started coming out of the woodwork. Women who had been abused by their grandfather. It absolutely stunned some.
    FYI, women can and do sexually abuse children as well. It's very hard for little boys who have a female relative as their molester, given the fact that two major stereotypes have to be overcome in order for him to be believed and protected.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #85
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    Jun. 22, 2007
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    My daughter, now 23, is a talented artist and photographer. When she was 16, Great Uncle Bob (age 74), who always "hugged to hard", but never did anything else (or so we thought), came down from out of state for a visit, with my daughters' favorite Great Auntie... he'd brought photo supplies and wanted to practice photography with DD. This was also Thanksgiving time.

    Day after Thanksgiving, I was in MIL's house with her sister chatting, while Bob was outside with my daughter, doing photography, and showing her the cameras. DD came upstairs, and told me she felt sick, and wanted to go home NOW. Which we did. A few hours later, DD said while "posing" her for photos, Bob had "turned" her, and fondled her breasts from behind, grabbing them from under her arms/rib cage. Incredulous, I asked "Why didn't you say something right then?"...The answer "I couldn't believe my uncle would do that" (he'd always sent her camera magazines, given her his old art supplies, etc).

    Well next day I went over, and there sat Bob and FIL. I told him he if ever touched my daughter again I'd cut his hands off and stuff them down his throat. FIL sat there and said nothing. Later on, MIL asked "if I was sure something happened", and "Bob had better not have touched K---" (other Granddaughter)...Gee, guess it was OK that he did something to my slightly Goth-ish, artsy daughter. Boy, was I pissed.

    Well I took it upon myself to call Great Auntie's daughter, as her 2 girls were often over at Bob's/Aunts house in the other state. Lo and behold, it came out very shortly after he'd been molesting BOTH girls, only 8 and 11 YO...Worse for them, as in digital penetration, etc. Since the older daughter told a counselor at school of course it was reported.

    Uncle was promptly arrested. Tried, and eventually found guilty, and did serve some "light time", about 6 months. Came home after that, not too long after went for a walk and blew his brains out with his old Army pistol. Seems he was now totally shunned in the town where he resided-ya think? HOORAY, didn't shed a tear over it at all.

    I only wish it had been discovered sooner, no way of knowing how many he molested. The year before, he'd shown DD and I his "album" of portraits he'd collected-most of young girls, taken in town. Most couldn't afford professional photos, he was so "proud" he'd helped them. Ick-wonder how many got felt up, or worse...

    By the way, Great Auntie blames me, and HER OWN daughter, for all the trouble. Does NOT believe Bob ever molested anyone. Nice. May he rot in hell with the rest....


    7 members found this post helpful.

  6. #86
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Pedophiles and serial rapists look for the child or person who is neglected, vulnerable, and they groom and attack them. Nothing the child does attracts them, but these sick freaks are like any other bully, and look for people they can prey on. I hope there's a hell for anyone who preys on a child, abuses a child in any way, and especially for anyone who denies this happened, or enables it.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #87
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    Apr. 20, 2013
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    Spurgirl, isn't that amazing his wife still stood up for him!



  8. #88
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    Jun. 22, 2007
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    Cindy, From reading all of these incidents, it seems there is an almost 50-50 chance the molester will have those who cover for them, or remain in denial....In our situation, the Aunt is a manic depressive, and to be honest, for her to admit this truth about her husband would probably send her into a state she would never recover from.

    It is so sad, though, that she is so angry at her daughter-they virtually have no contact, daughters' marriage didn't survive this either. The girls mainly live with their Dad now, the whole family is quite messed up. The girls have had extensive counseling, when I saw them last summer they seemed to be doing well. Hopefully they will not become victims again.

    I was upset that she was angry at me, but personally, now I don't really care anymore. My daughter certainly is NOT a liar, and by coming forward hopefully she prevented more girls from being victimized (I think the cops in his town were investigating his "photography" at the time of his death).


    3 members found this post helpful.

  9. #89
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    I also find it reprehensible that institutions like schools, Boy Scouts, Catholic, and other churches enable, protect, and cover up for pedophiles. Places such as Penn State had the chance to be heroes for children, and to do the right thing, but they did nothing and allowed many children to be raped. I will never understand how someone can ignore a child being hurt and abused, or ignore what a child says about being abused. It's truly disgusting that someone will care more about their own financial, or social position, and allow a child to be victimized.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    6 members found this post helpful.

  10. #90
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    Apr. 25, 2009
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    Frederick, MD
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    I'm just going to leave this here...
    http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to...ouldnt-stop-it

    should read the comments too


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #91
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    Jan. 8, 2013
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    When I was 11 by a neighbor who has a high standing in the community and was a family friend. He was my dad's best friend and his wife was my mom's. He didn't get too far but still got somewhere with both me and my best friend at the time. We ran in the middle of the night to my house. I got questioned over and over but I felt how upset my parents were at potentially loosing their best friends and he was my "best friend" at the time. He even built me an indoor arena on his property and wild mustangs for me to train and got me in the paper. I lied to the detective because I did not want to be responsible for everyone splitting apart. 7 years later and everyone is still best friends my sister turns 11 and she tells us that he had molested her as well. This time I put my foot down. I refused to go over there and talk to those people and re-iterated the night minute by minute to my parents again. They did nothing. My parents feel responsible but they react weird. They kept hanging out with them for a while. He gave my mom money when my dad lost his job during the recession so I could still go to shows and they still went to parties over there. I told my track coach who urged me to tell the police. My mom is afraid if I tell the police after all this time they will blame her for not speaking up. There is still an open case but nothing has been said 10 years later. We do not hang out with them or even talk to them at all anymore. My mom has told the rest of the family while she was drunk. She has actually told a bunch of people. What gets me is she always says my sister had it worse so she is the one that should be focused on. Um we both got molested didn't we? Even this guy's grandson's said he is not as good as a guy as you think he is. His granddaughter was my newest best friend for a while. Dumb blond. My dad HATES pedophiles etc and said if anything ever happened to his kids he would shoot the guy. Well he to this day still waves to the guy when he drives by. I think he is just in denile about the whole thing.
    "People who think their brains are not worth protecting are probably right!"
    - quoted by Martha Drum



  12. #92
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    Feb. 3, 2013
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    Yes, my pediatrician would undo my pants and fondle me. Every visit, with my my mom right there. I don't believe she even knew. I dreaded going to see Dr. 'Happy-Hand'.
    When I was 13, I went in wearing a belt I had braided the ends together, so he couldn't gethis nasty old hand down there. He chuckled and said "Well, you fooled ol' Dr. 'Happy-Hand' today!" It almost seemed that, back then, it was some kind of Dr.'s 'perk.'
    I refused to go back to him again.

    I have definite rage and trust issues to this day, and getting me to seek medical care is like trying to load a trailer-traumatized horse.



  13. #93
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    Apr. 14, 2007
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    Pen Argyl PA
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    Wishful- i think your family is very messed up. I will never understand this nonsense of " oh, She'll be fine" and go back to being friends with your daughters molester. Horrible. i am so sorry. i totally understand the way you might feel, b/c my own family seemed to make me feel like they just did not care. ( of course they never gave a darn about me, so i don't know why i was shocked.) i am so happy that i shut my family out of my life. you have no idea how much better my life is.



  14. #94
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    Apr. 29, 2011
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    Wow, your stories are amazing and heartbreaking. I am in constant awe of people's ability to cope with such imaginable pain and suffering.

    I was never sexually abused as a child, but I was verbally and mentally abused by both my 3rd and 4th grade teachers. I have ADD and mild dyslexia that wasn't diagnosed until I was 27, so my elementary and Jr high years were hellish. Because I couldn't pay attention or complete tasks on time, etc. no matter how hard I tried, I was labeled the "difficult, unmotivated, hopeless student."

    These teachers would berate and humiliate me daily in front of the whole class. The most traumatic incidence involved using the bathroom in the classroom when I had not asked permission first, and my teacher ripping open the bathroom door and screaming at me in front of 20+ kids while I sat on the toilet with my pants around my ankles in plain view of everyone.

    I never said a word to anyone about any of it because I honestly believed I deserved it. My parents also thought I was just unmotivated with a bad attitude and never understood how I couldn't just "get with it" and "try harder." To this day, they still cannot acknowledge my ADD.

    I spent several months in therapy after my dx as an adult coming to terms with the fact that I was not a bad, stupid kid with an aversion to authority. But I still struggle everyday, even in my 30's, with the damage those women did to my self confidence, especially in a group setting of my peers. And my attempts at public speaking are horrific.
    Barn rat for life

    The Big Horse



  15. #95
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    May. 6, 2007
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    for those who haven't reported the people...I urge you too. Please help prevent this from happening again.

    Thank you for sharing your stories.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #96
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    Jan. 8, 2013
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nezzy View Post
    Wishful- i think your family is very messed up. I will never understand this nonsense of " oh, She'll be fine" and go back to being friends with your daughters molester. Horrible. i am so sorry. i totally understand the way you might feel, b/c my own family seemed to make me feel like they just did not care. ( of course they never gave a darn about me, so i don't know why i was shocked.) i am so happy that i shut my family out of my life. you have no idea how much better my life is.
    That is what I don't understand though. My parents are some of the best parents out there and are extremely loving. My mom was actually molested by her uncle so she has been there. I just don't understand why they went back to being friends with them. After my sister it weaned away and shortly became non existant thank goodness and we all refer to him as a pedophile. I think maybe they were just in denile because he was THE NICEST guy ever. Like I said he built me an indoor arena which I never use because it is at his house. I think they understand now but don't understand my dad waving at him when he drives past still.

    I am so sorry that you family acted the way they did and that you have cut ties with them. It is completely saddening.

    All of these posts have made me extremely sad but it helped me to know I was not the only one. I am however disgusted that 1 in 3 women will be molested in their lifetime. Maybe that is why I fail at relationships. I just do not trust most guys I guess. This guy was a 70ish year old grandfather!!
    "People who think their brains are not worth protecting are probably right!"
    - quoted by Martha Drum


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #97
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    That's exactly how these perverts keep operating. No one reports them, no one even says anything because either they don't believe the child or children who tell, they don't believe a 'nice' grandfatherly person did this, they keep letting them around their children, and they deny everything. Oprah Winfrey finally told about being raped by a family member, telling her family, and her mother still had this family member around for years-I guess there's a reason that Oprah reportedly supports her mother very well financially, but apparently has no relationship outside this. It's one thing to not believe it happened to your child, or that someone raped other children, but to let them have access or say nothing and keep associating with that person is unforgiveable. THat's enabling, and being an accessory.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    4 members found this post helpful.

  18. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by JanM View Post
    That's exactly how these perverts keep operating. No one reports them, no one even says anything because either they don't believe the child or children who tell, they don't believe a 'nice' grandfatherly person did this, they keep letting them around their children, and they deny everything. Oprah Winfrey finally told about being raped by a family member, telling her family, and her mother still had this family member around for years-I guess there's a reason that Oprah reportedly supports her mother very well financially, but apparently has no relationship outside this. It's one thing to not believe it happened to your child, or that someone raped other children, but to let them have access or say nothing and keep associating with that person is unforgiveable. THat's enabling, and being an accessory.
    It's part of the MO: Establish yourself as pillar of the community, and nobody will believe the victims, move on before the turf gets too hot.
    Not to mention the tendency to hunt on a baited field (like barns, building indoors...how nice)
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.


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