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  1. #61
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    Feb. 22, 2009
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    Wisconsin
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    Quote Originally Posted by suz View Post
    how many of us have reported our molesters to the authorities?
    I actually called the state to ask about this many years ago.
    I decided not to press charges though I had cause until my mother passed away.
    she was horrified and broken hearted at my info and very conflicted about the nephews she knew and loved as babies and youngsters and their behavior as teenagers.
    but after she died I got busy with life and didn't do it.
    it's been something like 45 years since my cousins touched me and I wonder if there would be any value in reporting it now.
    and of course I worry if they touched children after me---
    No, I didn't. I feared my mother would beat me to death if I called the cops on her perfect son. By the time I was 13 I had my nightly routine of removing my door knob and putting my dresser against the wall down so that it made it to hard for him to come in. As for my uncle he is spending life in prison due to what he did to his own daughters.



  2. #62
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    Oct. 23, 2013
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    King George, Va
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    As a kid I didn't really understand what had happened, I knew it wasn't a good thing, and I didn't really know the boy or have it happen multiple times, in the instance of the guy at the barn as a teenager, he never touched me, but I know it would have escalated if I hadn't done something, but I didn't want to involve my parents because I didn't want to leave my barn and there was nothing to charge him on in any case, after my brother's friend "explained" a few things to him the problem fixed itself and the guy no longer came around. My husband was charged with assault but was given probation. The rape wasn't reported I was so deeply ashamed and broken at that time in my life. He is a horrible person and I still fear for any person that may be in his life.



  3. #63
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    Apr. 11, 2006
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    Southern Ontario
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    I was molested by a priest when I was 13. He had dropped by our summer cottage, and while my mom was running around trying to be a gracious hostess and put out some food and drink, he pulled me onto his lap and started fondling me. I was very naive, very cowed by authority, and I was too shocked to say a word. My mom walked into the room while I was still on his lap. In a very neutral voice, she called me over and suggested that I go to a friend's for the afternoon. She continued to entertain our guest, while I left.

    The incident has come up in conversation a couple of times, but she always brushes it off saying "oh, I think he was a bit drunk" as if that is an excuse. I just dropped it. I was grateful that she never tried to deny that it happened, but it wasn't until much later that I started to question why she never did anything about it. Part of it likely was that my grandmother was worked for this priest as a housekeeper, and my mom was scared of rocking the boat.

    It burns me up to think how many times that disgusting old goat got away with this -- or worse -- while everyone bowed and scraped to him as a man of the cloth.

    There are a lot of very strong and unbreakable women on this thread -- sending a collective hug to you all.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #64
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    Jul. 31, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by CindyCRNA View Post
    This, to me, is very therapeutic. Mostly because other than my mother, I have never told anyone. No my ex husband of 20 years, not my current SO of 7+ years. Oh wait, almost forgot, I did tell my BFF. She has been my BFF for over 30 years. I felt more comfortable telling a female. I don't ever plan on telling my SO.

    Yeah, I find it's really therapeutic.

    Here's the benefits I have gotten so far from this thread.

    I get to learn what normal reactions look like. I'm learning a lot about the normal range of emotions or experiences for both survivors as well as family members more- and less screwed up than mine.

    Because therapists and my family really didn't get it right for me, I thought I was one of those people totally incapable of forgiveness or some kind of "moving on from family of origin issues" that's supposed to happen in therapy.

    Nah, it's just that the therapist trying to convince me of a truth I already knew (That it wasn't my fault) made me doubt the ability of a therapist to "get" the way sexual abuse very early in my life had shaped me. That's too bad because I had (have?) wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what would make me change some of the bad lasting effects.

    Also, Kat_Renee's description of her mom taking up for her and her conclusion that her mom is "amazing" taught me a lot, too. It's not that I'm incapable of forgiving my mom. Rather, her failure to acknowledge what happened to me and the burden it placed on both of us-- not just me--even when I confronted her about it, meant that she continued to take a contemptible position.

    I do think my ability to forgive has been screwed up and I don't know if it will ever be normal. I understand intellectually that this is something one does for one's self. But I can't get past the part where I directly asked my mom to do the right thing and she directly refused. I won't co-sign some logic that says a kid gets to be sexually abused so as not to inconvenience her parent with bad feelings or some tough actions to take.

    Not cool, but at least I understand where my stick-in-the-mudness comes from AND that that could have been different had my parents manned up and told the truth.

    I should say that this was a pattern repeated in other parts of my life-- mom backing down and selling out kids rather than taking risk. So I wasn't warped by just one bad episode. I'll bet that families in which abuse is tolerated have wider legacies of dysfunction, too.

    The kid who molested me was just 12 at the time. No adult every knew about this. I felt neutrality toward him-- as a kid and as an adult. I put the abuse itself into "bad things happen to good people" category: This was just the particular bit of tragedy I had been given; some people get less, some get more, some get different. The refusal by my family to do jack about it when confronted was, I think, the optional suffering that I feel I didn't deserve.

    As an adult I felt an additional horror in that my parents' decision to do nothing meant that kiddo with some bad proclivities didn't get those addressed. Did they contribute to more children's abuse? It makes me sad to think that the little boy may have been abused himself.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #65
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    Mar. 24, 2004
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    Pottstown, PA (East Coventry)
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    I was around 14 years old when one of my friends, S, told me and another friend, L, that S had been sexually molested for years by her mother's live in boyfriend. She made us promise not to tell. I think it took L and I two hours before we told my mother.

    My mom called S over to the house for a chat and made L & I take a long walk around the neighborhood. My mother went with S while S told her mother. Thankfully S's mother believed her and kicked the boyfriend out of the house. They moved shortly after that and I lost touch with her. I was so grateful to my mother for helping out S, for believing her and for being willing to help S get help.

    Looking back I think subconsciously I knew the boyfriend was bad news. I was always comfortable with adults. But for some reason I was very uncomfortable with him. I wouldn't make eye contact with him. If he was home I would find any excuse to not go in her house. I would actually go the block back to my house to pee at home rather than go into the house with him.
    Oh, well, clearly you're not thoroughly indoctrinated to COTH yet, because finger pointing and drawing conclusions are the cornerstones of this great online community. (Tidy Rabbit)


    5 members found this post helpful.

  6. #66
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    SonnysMom-What a wonderful and brave thing your mother did for that child. As shown by the Penn State molestations, some people choose to ignore the plight of children, but your Mom saved someone, and that is truly courageous, and heroic.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    11 members found this post helpful.

  7. #67
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    Sep. 24, 2008
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    All 3 of my sisters were abused by my father in the 50's/60's. We don't know about the boys.
    Luckily for me, he died before I was born.God got that one right.
    My sisters have all remembered the abuse all along and that my Mother knew about it. They didn't tell anyone.
    None of them ever confronted my Mother, although they did eventually begin talking to each other about it as adults and each had their own times of crisis coming to some sort of terms with the abuse.
    I'm in awe of those of you who have gone through this and are working your way through to the other side.

    NJR
    Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #68
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    Apr. 14, 2007
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    Pen Argyl PA
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    i was molested by a kid in my neighborhood when i was 10 and he was 13. I was told beforehand not to go into his house, yet i did, b/c his dog had puppies, and i wanted to see them. Once he got me in the house, he almost did the deal , but never entered.

    i was visibly upset when i rode my bicycle home, but i could not tell my parents the truth, since i was the one who broke the rule, i figured i was the one who would be in trouble.

    Then we moved and things were fine until i was almost 18, a neighbor( ex-wife lived across the street with their 3 kids) Started following me around and eventually-once i did turn 18, did rape me in my living room when he knew my parents were out of town. I could not tell my parents, b/c they were never there for me, the kind of people who should never have kids, and i could not talk to them about anything. My father was always emotionally abusive and had told me i was worthless on more than one occasion.

    I told some friends, and they called the police which opened a big can of worms. This guy was a volunteer paramedic, and nurse, and i was just white trash, so why would anyone believe me? so i did not press charges. But i had to live with the fear every single day. He was still living down the street at his parents house. His kids lived next door, and i felt the need to stay out of sight.

    it was horrible. i wish i had NOT told those friends of mine who called the police. Nothing good ever came of it, and one of our dogs was poisoned a few years later. I guess i'm angrier at my parents for not being there for me as parents in either case. And i wondered for a long time, why i was targeted twice.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #69
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    Apr. 20, 2013
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    Kansas City
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    Nezzy, I'm so sorry! I take it your parents did find out at that point. It is not uncommon to regret telling anyone. I don't think you did anything to be a target. What are the statistics? 1/4 of all females in the US?


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #70
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    In Trouble with Dad...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nezzy View Post
    And i wondered for a long time, why i was targeted twice.

    I was not going to say something as I let a blissfully sheltered life...

    But there is an observation a friend of mine made. It was in regard to 'A child named 'It''. It seems guys have it easier finding a nurturing woman to heal them, while girls seem to be damaged goods, continuously attracting sharks.

    To clarify, she had been raped by an older brother as a small child, married an abusive guy, then, after divorce, apparently also had an incident with date rape, before hitching up with a guy who turned out to be a cheater. As if there remains some blood in the water...predators zero in on that vulnerability.
    ( http://www.amazon.com/Predators-Pedo...ords=predators is on her list of recommended books in this regard)


    On a personal note, I had a class mate from elementary class come over a couple of times to play. We ended up butt naked in the dark, playing 'friend'
    Now, in my family snuggling and nakedness was never a big deal, so I never thought of any of this, until well into my adult years. but once the innocence was gone I began to wonder. I can't remember her name though, I would like to find her again. 6, 7 year old kids don't know these kinds of 'games'

    I never went to this girl's house and she only came over twice, so I might have dodged a huge bullet there.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #71
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    Nezzy you did nothing wrong, and did nothing to deserve this. No one deserves to be raped or abused, and it's not too late to call a hotline, and find a counselor. There are support groups, and counseling available. Your friends did the right thing, but sometimes because of favortism, or other reasons, women are not believed.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    6 members found this post helpful.

  12. #72
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    Aug. 13, 2013
    Location
    Austin, Texas
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    18

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    Part of the reason I have a hard time people is because I've never heard of it happening the way it did to me. I mean, it was another girl 1 or 2 years older than me and I was 5 or 6 at the time. She was pretty forceful. She took me into her room, closed her door, pulled my pants down, and put a foreign object (for lack of better words) up me. I remember it hurting quite a bit. I didn't tell my mom but she figured it out the next day. I freaked out when I was asked to go over and play again. My mother called her parents and they dismissed it as no big deal.

    Then, later in elementary school I had a baby sitter that was very inappropriate. That situation still confuses me. She didn't touch me but completely undressed in front of me in a provocative manner and tried to get me to touch her.

    The female to female in just something I haven't heard of before. :/


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #73
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    Oct. 18, 2000
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    NE Ohio
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    470

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    Wow. I commend all of you and these stories all tug very hard at my heart. So much so, I had to text my daughter to tell her how much I love her.

    I was not abused. My daughter was abused (physically and mentally) by a boyfriend of mine. She never told me until the relationship ended. And when she did... boy... all hell broke loose and I was looking for him, EVERYWHERE. It's probably a good thing I never found him because I would have gone to jail. I would have definitely attempted to kill him with my bare hands. He never, ever tried anything physical with me (I am a strong horse person) and hid what he did to my daughter very well.

    I now have a neighbor who has a young child who told me of something happening at her house. I called the authorities. Unfortunately, this guy's mother has a friend who works for the authorities, and he was not investigated. I'm sorry, but 4 year old children do not just "make this shit up"... something happened, and I believe her. I just wish there was something I could do. I am so angry that I tried and it was just brushed off. I fear for her and her little brother, what might be happening to them now.
    ******
    RIP Shadow Dancer 2/17/91-12/23/10
    You were the best girl I could have ever asked for ~ Run Free my Friend, 'til we meet again.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #74
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    Feb. 6, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by BadKarma View Post
    Part of the reason I have a hard time people is because I've never heard of it happening the way it did to me. I mean, it was another girl 1 or 2 years older than me and I was 5 or 6 at the time. She was pretty forceful. She took me into her room, closed her door, pulled my pants down, and put a foreign object (for lack of better words) up me. I remember it hurting quite a bit. I didn't tell my mom but she figured it out the next day. I freaked out when I was asked to go over and play again. My mother called her parents and they dismissed it as no big deal.
    Being so young, she was probably being abused as well, and doing it to someone else was the only way she knew how to express her anger, hurt and confusion about the situation. It's not uncommon for young victims to lash out in this way.

    It's really a shame, her parents dismissed it, that is NOT NORMAL, regardless of whether they are aware of what is going with their daughter and shouldn't be brushed off. The fact that they just dismissed it so easily and quickly means that they we're probably aware of what was going on but refused to be advocates for their daughter, which sadly is not all that uncommon.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #75
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    Oct. 26, 2005
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    Deep South
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    My best friend had the magical kind of marriage we all hoped for as young women. He was a dentist who was in a practice with her father. They had three great children. He was a deacon in church. We called him Saint Randy. Well, he was caught cheating and as the divorce progressed two of the kids (now teenagers) came to the mom, my best friend, and told her their dad had molested them for years until they reached puberty. My friend had not the first clue. I would never have believed it. But I see now what it did to the kids who are now adults, and each still suffering in relationships. It is a certain kind of sick monster who does this to children, and one of two types of criminal that cannot be rehabilitated.
    "While people are arguing over whether the glass is half full or half empty, I'm just gonna drink it and be thankful." - Cowboy

    Track to Trimac Thoroughbreds on Facebook!!!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  16. #76
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    Apr. 14, 2007
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    Pen Argyl PA
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    Quote Originally Posted by JanM View Post
    Nezzy you did nothing wrong, and did nothing to deserve this. No one deserves to be raped or abused, and it's not too late to call a hotline, and find a counselor. There are support groups, and counseling available. Your friends did the right thing, but sometimes because of favortism, or other reasons, women are not believed.
    Oh thank you, but it was many years ago. about 1987. I am fine now. I have estranged myself from my family, they were never good for me. a very toxic family. My husband is amazing, and i never wanted kids, neither did my husband. So we live a happy life and things are great now. But my youth was Hell, and I wish i could help other young girls who go thru this.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  17. #77
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    Apr. 20, 2013
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    Kansas City
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nezzy View Post
    Oh thank you, but it was many years ago. about 1987. I am fine now. I have estranged myself from my family, they were never good for me. a very toxic family. My husband is amazing, and i never wanted kids, neither did my husband. So we live a happy life and things are great now. But my youth was Hell, and I wish i could help other young girls who go thru this.
    I estranged myself from my mother for a string of reasons but this one tops it.
    I think one reason I re-visted this subject by starting this thread to just to show others how so very careful they need to be with who they let into their childs life. But some of these stories, it was a parent. How this all came about on another BB was a question was asked who should be allowed to bathe their children. I almost lost my mind when uncles and neighbors were bathing young children. While I understand dad bathing the kids, I don't think anyone else should.....well, grandma can! But not grandpa. I'm not a parent but I think only females should bathe the kids. Many were horrified when I said that as their own father (the childs grandfather) was above suspicion. Then they started coming out of the woodwork. Women who had been abused by their grandfather. It absolutely stunned some.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #78
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    Jan. 28, 2013
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    Yes and yes.

    I was in survival mode until about age 12. Then life got less complicated. I told a priest before I was baptized (as an adult). It was very helpful to talk to someone.
    Where the short cows roam.

    War veteran


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #79
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    Jul. 14, 2000
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    midwest
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    CindyCRNA- so much heartfelt honesty has come from this thread for victims and non-victims, to take away and take to heart. Thank you for starting this uncomfortable conversation. We are all a little wiser, a little keener to the possibilities that seemed impossible. I sure have learned a lot and am in awe of you amazing women who have lived through this certain hell.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  20. #80
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Good for you Nezzy! I think the old saying about "Living well is the best revenge" is right

    I think every person who tells, even here on an anonymous BB, helps others who have been abused, and make them feel less alone.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    3 members found this post helpful.

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