Were you abused as a child and did you tell someone?
Ok, I'll start. My Uncle, my mothers brother, started molesting me when I was 6. I came from a religious family and was ashamed. I knew the family would back him so I kept quite.....for 40 years. Then when I was alone with my mother one day, I finally told her. I know she thinks I am lying and she said she didn't want to say anything as she "didn't want to start any trouble". WTF! I was 6 for Christ's sake and it went on for years! I haven't spoken to her in 2 years and have no desire to. My great grandmother raised me but that's a whole other story. The fact that she thought I was lying and wouldn't confront her brother shocked me. It was worse than the actual abuse.
I posted this on another BB I post on and was shocked at the responses. The denial of the mother was a common theme as was the victim being blamed. It was also common that the perp was never confronted and that the mother (most women went to their mother when they were an adult, usually many years later) kept close relations with the perp. Hearing this from others was the most healing for me. That being blamed or it being swept under the rug was common.
I'm not even posting this under an alter but please feel free to cover your identity if you are uncomfortable.
Yup. By my half brother, my mother's son, for years. When I finally told my parents years later my father wanted to kill him, and my mother blamed me. Spent years telling me that it was my fault and I should just get over it. But that was also coming from the same woman who would beat me when my father was out of town. I finally cut ties with her four years ago and it was the best decision of my life. Looking back there was also some severe inappropriate touching from my uncle, though I was luckier then my nieces that lived with him.
Know this, OP: you are NOT at fault. No matter what you did or how you responded. Same goes for the other folks telling their stories. What these perps did is CRIMINAL and the blame lies with THEM. As for anyone who continues to side with them instead of you, they are a special kind of scum and I hope I never encounter such people in my life, because I will give them less regard then the dirt on my shoe if I know who they are. To act in such a manner is a further obstruction of justice, albeit a moral one, regardless of what the statute of limitations may be.
I was, two of my brothers and four of my cousins by a pair of other cousins.
that is seven children we know of during the sixties and seventies.
I did tell when i was a young mom and while my mom (now deceased) believed me my older sister chooses not to believe any of us. she prefers to be friends with the one cousin and his wife because they are wealthy and she likes their parties.
Yes, by my step-father, from the time I was 9 until I was 15. I have only told two people, my younger step-sister, and only when she told me that he had attempted to molest her as well. She told him if he ever tried to touch her again she would kill him. And I believe she would have. I also told my husband, several years after we were married. He wanted to hunt him down and kill him.
yes, although not sexually.
I was beaten, choked, knife to my throat, thrown out the window, from 5-17 etc by my drug addicted father.
My mom watched and did nothing. When I called the police, twice, she denied everything and protected my dad.
Mom-pretended it wasn;t happening
Grandma- offered my mom money to move out with
School Friends Parents- suddenly they weren;t allowed to be my friends anymore
Police- arrested ME as an unruly child
Ended when I moved out a couple weeks before my 18th birthday. Dad has since had a heart attack and sobered up-he is no longer violent, but none of my siblings will allow him to be alone with the grandkids.
~Former Pet Store Manager (10yrs)
~Vintage Toy Dealer (rememberswhen.us)
Mom to : 1 Horse, 4 Dogs, 4 Cats, 1 Macaw, 6 (Former) Stepkids
Yes. I was 5 and it was a complete stranger. It happened in the blink of an eye. I have only ever told one person in my life. My parents, my husband, etc don't know about it. It was 30+ years ago and I can still visualize exactly what happened. Sometimes I even "see" him in a crowd and it still panics me.
I was molested by one of my aunt's gardeners when I was 4. I went & told my mother, but she told me to stop telling stories and go play. I went and hid under a bed with my teddy bear, my blanket, and didn't come out all that day. No one noticed until supper time, and my youngest aunt came to get me. She was 15 and she did ask why I was under there, what was wrong, etc., but I just said I didn't feel good.
I was also physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by my step-father. My mother married him when I was 9, at which time she basically checked out leaving him to raise me his way. She would be in the same room, reading her romance novels, and never lift her eyes over the book or say a word to him. When I was 17 I left home, and she told her entire family I was a liar. Sadly many of them believed her, so except for my husband and children I've never talked about any of it.
The thing about it all, years afterward, when I was in my late 20's, my step-father apologized to me, profusely. We ended up having a decent relationship, and when he passed away and I went home for the service, my mom had no clue how to pay a bill, make a budget, etc. and so she moved in with us. She's still here and we've managed a working relationship, though it will never be what it should have been...there are days I go out in the woods and beat fallen trees with branches and throw rocks in the creek until my arms are too tired to continue. Though, these times are lesser every year. He passed away 12 years ago this Sunday.
"Life's a bleach and then you dye"
"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet." Roger Miller
It is amazing to me how shared these experiences, from the initial attacks, to the subsequent victim blaming, truly are. I try to rationalize that perhaps it comes from being unable, as a parent or guardian, to admit how much they have failed us on such a basic level. It never excuses it, though.... And as children we internalize all of this into our self worth. These legacies, these echoes, they are there for so very long. I wish every victim could understand that it has never been their fault, and that someone out here believes them about what they have endured.
I was molested by the barn owner when I was 11 or 12. Nothing too extreme, I stopped it before it got out of hand, but yeah, it was completely wrong on his part, dirty old man. This would have been 1981 or 82.
I wrote my mother a note and put it in her change purse. They were going to the river (lake house) so I knew she'd see it, with my Dad there, and they could deal with it alone before talking to me.
They came home, Mom and I talked, and they burned the phone up calling around, and I think my horse spent one or two nights tied to a tree in our suburban backyard, then we moved into another barn and that was the end of it. About a year later I moved to Millie and Tim's barn, Tim shod for me and I ended up riding all sorts of horses and colts for them as a teenager- it's where my roots are in horses.
Mom told me later that DHS or the cops or whomever said basically that unless there's physical evidence, there's not much to do and that I'd be fine. So it was just not talked about. It was like it didn't happen.
That wasn't the best approach. I spent all of Jr High and HS being terrified of any man I wasn't related to, all of them. I distinctly remember the day Tim said Come on, Kat, ride to the store and help me get some drinks. I went, riding in his little Toyota truck and trying not to breathe the wrong way ( you always think it's something you did, of course). He knew, of course, and was a perfect gentleman and always just went about treating me like another hand with horses- similar to how Buck's foster dad just put him to work. Tim's good heart and kindness and steady way was a huge help to me. And the horses, of course.The confidence with horses is what I carry to push me through other things that freak me out... But still I was afraid, I think I failed Chemistry in HS b/c the jock that taught it was all bluster and ego and I was completely freaked out by his 'casual' flirting. It horrified me and turned my brain upside down. Asshat...but that's miles and years in the past.
I'm sorry, OP, that yours and other's stories don't have better paths. I hope you find a way to heal your heart. It helped me to be very open about it, just tell it- it happened to me, it didn't happen because of me.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. (Steven Wright)
I was by several of my sister's boyfriends and male friends, I was 8-10 years younger starting at age 10. One had his fiance find out, he was rather proud of it, she called me I was 16 and it had happened when I was 12. I told her it was true, and asked if she would marry him. She said absolutely not, at first I felt bad but when I got older I understood.
I've never told people about it until now. However, I am a very protective parent because of my own experiences. I have never let my children around strangers without my presence and all playdates required us to know the parents very well, otherwise the playdate would have to be at our home.
For all of you that were hurt, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. No child deserves that. I don't understand it.I only knew love and stregnth and discipline yes, but never abuse from my parents and never knew there could be such ugliness in the world. I am so sorry. For those of you whose mothers didn't believe you, I want to smack them. Shock is ok for an initial reaction, but you don't just discount what your child says happened to them. You check it out and take them to the doctor and you protect them. I am not sure that if it happened to my daughter that I would not kill the s.o.b that did it, and stand before God on judgement day without remorse.((((Hugs ))))to all of you.
Yes and yes. About 5 when it started and 10-ish when I finally told my mom what was happening between me and my adopted father. She immediately called the police, got friends over to the house to help her, and when he came home she kicked him out.
Long story short, his sentence was 40 years without parole. He has 20 years left. I hope he dies in there.
He was abusing me (mentally, physically, and sexually), my mom and my brother (mentally and physically). For my mom to do what she did to protect me when I told her was amazing. He would have killed her if she was alone that night. She shoulders a lot of the blame but we always tell her it was not her fault. If it wasn't for what happened and for my mom being a constant in my life, who knows how my life would have ended up. I try to tell her that all the time. It is because of her that my life and my brother's life are good. She is an amazing woman.
I'm a member of this unfortunate club as well. I was 12 and it was the barn owner who also happened to be a good family friend. It went on for almost a year and a half. I was extremely shy, almost dysfunctionally shy, as a kid and very much afraid of adults due to being in and out of the foster care system since I was 7 (That's a whole nother hell but also for another thread).
I use to go to school and just silently beg for one of my teachers to notice something was wrong and maybe someone could help me. I didn't have the courage to approach them on my own but felt that if someone would just ask me, I'd spill the beans (even though I was deathly afraid of the guy and his threats of what would happen if I told). It would make your heart scream if I told you some of the sick things he did. I survived it by retreating into my mind, and literally have huge blank spots in my memory.
I even stopped talking for about 8 months towards the end. When I say I stopped talking, that's what I mean. Nothing, nadda, zip. I would nod if someone asked me a question but I wouldn't speak. Everyone just thought it was due to my extreme shyness and did nothing.
Finally, when I was 14, someone figured it out and alerted the authorities who literally took me out of class one day and grilled me about it and I admitted that yes, the rumor was true.
However, they were positive it was all a mistake ( he was a very well respected member of the community) and I must have been covering up a relationship with a boyfriend or something. This despite the fact that I had never been seen with a boy, and would have died on the spot if one even tried to talk to me. So, they forced me to take a polygraph exam and a physical exam. You can imagine my horror with that last one. Obviously both proved me right but the case was dropped because they said there wasn't any physical evidence.
My mother insisted that I was lying, there was no way this person would do this ( of course he denied it too) and it was all a big mistake. I was simply trying to get attention. I was so crushed and humiliated by the whole thing that I begged them to send me to another foster home again, anything to just get away.
To this day my mother still refuses to believe any of it despite it coming out years later that I wasn't the only young girl he'd assaulted through out the years.
Her response is just one of the million reasons why she is no longer a part of my life.
I'm 50 years old now and it still colors how I see men. Lots of therapy through the years has helped me deal with it. You know the abuse was bad when the therapist says they can't understand how I didn't turn out either a drug addict or serial killer, lol. While it's easier to think about it now, I will always mourn for that little girl who was so terribly hurt and had no where and no one to turn to.
Last edited by Fourbeats; Jan. 3, 2014 at 11:27 PM.
Yes, an older brother. Never told anyone in the family - they would not have believed me anyway. Interesting to note our Mom who heard everything, never heard him picking the lock to my bedroom. . . .
I went to counseling and highly recommend it. It helped me get rid of most of the guilt. It was good to get all of the hurt and anger out in a neutral/ non-judgemental environment.
The great sorrow was group therapy, too many people have lived thru this. People from all social, economic groups and from all over the world. It is an insidious problem.
Watch the kids around you for any massive changes in dress, attitude, school work, play, anything. Not always because of abuse, but all to often it is.
"Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
Courtesy my cousin Tim
What Mashfield said times 100. You are strong and brave.
About 10 years ago my husband was on the jury for a horrible case in our small town of 6,000. A 13 year old girl had a baby boy. The baby's father was the 13 year old girls father. He had a white collar job and worked for the city. During the trial more news came out. The girl's brother, then 17, had also been molesting her. There are no words. The child's Mother, yeah, she was a case too. She would leave the house when the Dad and brother wanted to molest their daughter/sister. <Shudder>
There was a separate trial for the brother. I don't know what became of the Mother, using that word loosely. The jury convicted the Father on the charges the DA used. My husband, the jury foreman, lost a lot of sleep after the trial because something this wicked happened under our watch in our town. A town that could be the backdrop for Mayberry both emotionally and physically.